totally confused about my ex

[dstar]

Recently my boyfriend moved out of his parents home at 38. I know he has always been ultra close to his mum but after he moved in to his flat we had our first disagreement over something trivial and he totally went to peices like it was the end of the world. I later found out that when we had overcome this that his mother who i have never met hated me and basically told him he had to choose between her or me. He again totally went to pieces to the extreme like it was the end of the world. I did my very best to support him but i was also hurt and offended that his mum had judged me before even meeting me and was a bit upet about it myself. In hindsight i think perhaps due to that fact that he was wallowing in his own self pity he thought i had no right to be upset. Apparently he pleaded with his mum to accept me and he feels i should be graceful for that ?!?! I disagreed as i felt that his mother was out of order for not only telling him he had to choose but for judging me unfairly. I asked for one evening to myself to try and get my head round to the situation we were in as he just could not understand that i had any reason to be upset.... she didn't even know me or our relatnship. and i was angry. Anyway he basically dumped me by text message because i wouldn't go out and see him that eve when i had already said id had plans with a friend. I am totally heart broken as before this episode we got along so well i really thought he was the one. apparently he had intended to ask me to marry him on the eve i was out with a friend??? But im confused if u really really love someone surely that is a contradiction... As he ended it that night by text cos i didn't go round his?!?! I love him so much still but am angry that he has been so immature. Apparently i have ruined life and he is dwelling in his own self pity. just totally meant make sense am so confused. Help me please

[gravitywave]

Hi dstar,

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. To be frank, I feel that there are way too many issues going on here with him and right from the outset too - didn't sound like you had the best of starts with this relationship.

 

I had a similar situation at the beginning of my relationship, where my mother was quite rude to my g/f; I stuck by my g/f and backed her up, even though we had only been seeing each other for a short time. My g/f had every right to be upset and I totally understood. Eventually the situation sorted itself out.

 

To me, it sounds like he isn't validating your feelings, or is mostly oblivious to them and thinks he was doing you a favour by trying to get his mum to come round to the fact that you were with his son. Sounds like his mother has some issues too - not sure how anyone can make up their mind about someone, when they haven't even met them. I can speak from personal experience here and say that it isn't right to do that - I know, because I did it myself and acknowledge that now. (long story!).

 

It also seems that the whole proposal thing was some last-ditch attempt at getting you to come out with him. Emotional blackmail, basically. He wasn't getting his way and you are right - it doesn't stack up to be planning on proposing and then dumping you, just because you couldn't go out with him on a particular night. Quite an irrational reaction; and dumping by text message is inexcusable!

 

Also, the way you described how he reacted to these situations doesn't sound particularly stable to me. My personal feeling is that you are better off without him, as this relationship has caused you a lot of distress.

 

Not sure how long you were with him, but if it's only been for a short time, then I would definitely cut your losses and move on regardless.

[FabulousGrace]

Yaknow...it sounds like he's spoiled and over-emotional, plus his breaking up with you by text is really childish. How long have you been together ?

 

Having said all that, probably if you leve him alone, he'll come back. When it's a rash decision, they usually do. But my advice is, do not ever, ever complain to him about hs mum. Be tactical and take her side, suggest meeting her and then charm her socks off with your wonderfulness. In his eyes, you haven't 'earned' the right to be negative about his mum and by doing that, you're forcing him to choose between you...at this point, blood is thicker thn water

 

I predict he'll be back once he's calmed down....and your first task is to meet his mum. Take flowers!!!!

[dstar]

Thank you both. Helped me loads xxx