Shy girls: Need some input please

[thatguy80]

Hey all!

 

I'm no stranger to dating at all, but I'm very inexperienced when it comes to dating an introverted, inexperienced and shy girl. I've always dated the very outgoing type of women, which are SO much easier to read. Anyways, I met her about 2 months ago and we've been out around ~10 times. I'm very careful in this area of my life and while dating, I prefer to keep it to once a week and not really contact her other that to setup a date. So we very rarely talk in between dates, when we do it's via text because that's just her communication method.

 

She has never cancelled a date, been late, or given me any signs she did not want to see me. She planned and paid for a date one time as well. She's been over to my place a few times and has taken the time to bake us a dessert both times. She's never been in a relationship before and I'm the first guy she's ever kissed. On our 3rd date I told her I did not want to see her again when she turned her head when I went to kiss her, this is when she told me her relationship history. We're in our late 20's. She said she never had a desire for a relationship in the past. Her personality has really started to show now, and I like her more and more each time I see her.

 

I'm running into a few problems here though. These might be things in me that I need to take care of or possibly red flags, I don't know. I'm a pretty cautious guy when it comes to opening up, and like to be sure when I "put myself out there".

 

1. I understand that it's my job as the guy to kinda set the pace and ask her out each time. However, after 4-5 dates I've ALWAYS had the girl contacting me quite a bit. This girl does not do that, she has reached out a few times but very rarely, and we've been seeing each other about 2 months. So as it stands, I'll contact her usually 3-4 days after a date, setup another one for 3-4 days in advance. She is just different than I'm used to and I'm not sure how to proceed (will it stay like this for as long as I date her? lol). Yeah, the obvious thing might be for me to ask her out more often, but I feel it's the woman's job to move the relationship to the next level, or at least give me a clear signal to do so.

 

2. She very rarely initiates any sort of affection. She will reciprocate when I make the first move, but will never touch me or anything if I don't start it. I can think of ONE time she did, and that was laying her head on my should during a movie. Like for example, when she left my place the other day, she put some stuff in her car came back over to me, thanked me for the evening and just stood there. I waited for a bit hoping she would initiate, but it ended up being me that pulled her in. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind it, but it would be awesome if she would every now and then. Maybe this is just insecurity on my part. She did mention one time that her family shows affection through sarcasm, which I DO get from her. Is this something that might change if she warms up to me more?

 

Thanks for reading my LONG post!

[Lily McFly]

Hi, thatguy80. It sounds like she likes you, she keeps accepting dates. Maybe she was raised, like I was, to not initiate contact, etc... and I'm sure that has to be hard to deal with to ALWAYS initiate everything. Maybe you could ask her stuff to draw her out as to how she was raised with that. It's likely it's going to always be this way, but if you really like her, and there are no huge problems, don't give up on her! She might have been raised with a family that isn't demonstrative of physical affection either...it's next to impossible to step out of the mold we were raised from. I wish you luck, but from everything, it sounds like you've 'got' her. The laying her head on your shoulder, to me, was pretty good. I doubt she was sleepy.

[Alicex]

She's just nervous. You're the first guy she's been with. Everything that's going on between you two is completely new and unreal to her, even if it's not a big deal to you since you're more experienced. It might get better as she gets more comfortable with you but right now she's probably somewhat terrified (in a good way). I mean, living 20+ years of your life without ever being with someone and all of a sudden you're kissing and cuddling and dating and doing all those things, that's a huge change and it's going to be a while before she gets used to it. You just gotta see it from her perspective

[happpybear]

ya she just needs more time, just be patient

[Aggawam]

For the affection thing.... try this: fake that you are going to kiss her and pull back, just tease and see if she will respond to that.

 

You've asked her out a lot of times, so you have "credit". Text/say her something like this: "I want to see you next week but you are going to set/plan the date. Surprise me!"

[Capricorn3]

On our 3rd date I told her I did not want to see her again

Maybe this has got something to do with why she's holding back. Other than that, I didn't think she was doing too badly according to your description: "She has never cancelled a date, been late, or given me any signs she did not want to see me. She planned and paid for a date one time as well. She's been over to my place a few times and has taken the time to bake us a dessert both times." - sounds like she likes you.

[purple_haze]

Hi thatguy80. This is an interesting situation you are in, and I wanted to answer your post because I am in the exact same predicament. I'm like the girl you are speaking about only with a tad more experience as i've had a few relationships, but what rang bells for me is the comment you made about how you approach dating, and I am wondering if maybe she is feeling mixed signals from you so doesn't know how to be/act. Can you elaborate for me why it is you only contact a girl to set up dates but not for any other reason, like just to say hi, etc. After 10 dates are you still being like this with her? I can understand being like this with someone you just started to date, but once you've had 10 dates I would think that you see her as a potential gf who you care for and want to talk to on a more frequent basis.

 

The reason for my questions is because , like I mentioned earlier, I am encountering a similar experience with a guy who i've been seeing for the last 2 months. There hasn't been much small talk in between dates. We've seen each other at least 8-10 times now and just recently he kinda fell off. I haven't heard from him in over a week and a half. The last time we spoke he asked me how my new phone was. The reason for that was because a few days prior to that he wanted to get together with me and texted me and because i had just got a new phone, i missed his text and didn't see it until the day after he texted wanting to see me. I replied to his text and then didn't hear from him since. I know he's been busy lately with a music gig he has coming up at the beginning of october so if you were pre-occupied/busy with something in your life would you not contact the girl you've been seeing until you have time to go out with her again? I'm just wondering if I should send him a text just to say hi, or leave it becuase he lost interest? Because he's been like you with contact, I feel like he's been giving mixed signals and therefore I wait for him to ask me out most of the time.

[thatguy80]

Hi Purple,

 

That's crazy, our situations are parallel to one another just from the other side. Even the last part where he has not contacted you, because I'm trying that with her now.

 

I'll try to explain why I do dating the way I do. There are really 2 reasons I do it. The main reason is I'm a pretty deep-feeling and emotional guy when it comes to this area. I get attached. I want to know the girl is invested in me before I make any sort of investment myself. If she's not contacting me, I chalk it up to low interest. Basically it's to avoid pain at the start by not make her a day-to-day part of my life. The other reasons are that it works and sometimes I'm dating multiple people at the start (I'm only seeing this one now). In my experience, the girl will start reaching out to me about 4-5 dates though, this girl did not do that so we're kinda stuck in the same routine now.

 

One thing about a lot of guys, its that we are insecure in some ways the same as women. We just don't show it and will NEVER admit it lol. I'm wondering if the missed text set off something in his head. I'm curious what you said when you responded back the next day.

 

Maybe this will help: Ok, so today I texted her that I was going on a "spontanious mini-adventure" this afternoon and that she was welcome to come if she'd like. She already had plans, which is fine. She did not ask what I was doing any other day, no counter offer. She has a life and I'm not holding that against her in any regard, don't get me wrong. I just now expect HER to contact me next. If she doesn't, then I will move on. 10 dates is enough time for her to show some initiative and plan something with me, or AT LEAST contact me and hint at it. I've been in a one-sided relationship before and I'll never do it again. I had actually made it easy for her since I invited her to a concert on October 1st, to which she said she'd have to make sure she did not have any tudoring going on (she's a teacher).

 

Me and your guy might be totally different. I'm a busy guy as well, but I MAKE the time if I see a possible future with the person. But, that's only if she's showing she's invested. I fear that in my situation, she's just "going with the flow" and does not really care. I'd say try asking him out for something, or maybe cooking him dinner (that scores big points). It will show you do care and you're not going with the flow. I really wish the girl in my situation would do that... =/

[thatguy80]

Maybe this has got something to do with why she's holding back. Other than that, I didn't think she was doing too badly according to your description: "She has never cancelled a date, been late, or given me any signs she did not want to see me. She planned and paid for a date one time as well. She's been over to my place a few times and has taken the time to bake us a dessert both times." - sounds like she likes you.

 

True, I'm just more or less worried that she's going with the flow and does not really care. Since the whole thing is such a new experience for her she's enjoying a guy paying her attention.

 

I'm pretty sure we got past my rejection speech. When she gave me the cheek (which I take as a rejection), I told her "Maybe we should not see each other again. I don't want to waste either of our time if you have low interest. I only want to see someone that's really into me." This is when she told me that was not the reason at all, and then kissed me. I had no clue it was her first kiss. About 4 days afterwards is when she contacted me and took me on a date. She then explained her realtionship past to me. Besides baking the desserts when she's come over for dinner, which she loves to bake anyways, that's the only time she's initiated anything.

[purple_haze]

Hi again thatguy80. First off, I want to apologize for hijacking your thread. I tried to PM you but it wouldn't let me??!?!?

 

BTW, you gave me some interesting things to think about. I never really thought about a guy being afraid emotionally to become attached. Also, that comment about avoiding pain at the start by not make her a day-to-day part of my life could also be true. I do also wonder if maybe he was multi-dating as well since around the time that he fell off he went AWOL from the dating site we met on. He has not logged in for over a week and a half either. Maybe he decided on making it official with another girl and not me, but then I have to wonder why he'd carry on dating me for as long as he did. On the flip side, maybe he hasn't gone onto the site because he is too busy and decided to take a rest from dating. Damn us girls and our over-analyzing!

 

Actually, there were two parts to his last text message to me. He asked how I was doing, and am i getting used to the new phone, to which I responded only to the second question by saying that I have some learning to do since I'm an iphone girl (and this is an android phone). So could it be possible that he thinks that I'm not interested in him any longer because I avoided the first question and didn't say much in my response to the second question. Hmmmm. Now, the last time we physically saw each other, I made us brunch. A week had gone by and I didn't hear from him so I sent him a text telling him how much i missed him and that i wanted to see him soon, so he suggested the next day and i offered to make us brunch. The week prior I invited him out for ice cream. Now here's the thing, he's never once bailed, always contacts me to firm up plans closer to the time, and is never late. The times when he wasn't able to commit to seeing me he always suggested another time. Also, another thing I noticed was that he'd always call to let me know how close he was to arriving at my house. I mean, there are no other indications that he isn't interested because he has always been courteous and never ignored my calls or texts (although the odd time there was a few hours delay in his reply).

 

Ok, now as for what you posted about texting your girl about the mini-adventure, it sounds to me that she may be a "rules" girl, in other words if this is her first foray into the dating world she may be sticking to the notion that a guy should do all the contacting, dates should be planned in advance and not spontaneous, don't get intimate with a guy until you are official, play hard to get.... do you see what I am getting at here? Does that sound like a possibility? Did she tell you why she never dated before?

[thatguy80]

Not sure on the PM thing, I tried it as well and it did not work.

 

Yeah, well it's going to depend on the guy a lot of times if he has a fear of getting attached. For myself, pain from my past will pop into my head and make me withdrawal if I'm seeing anything that could be a warning sign or if I'm just not seeing her make the same amount of effort. It's something that is actually a fault of mine, and I need to look into changing this as we have to sometimes take a leap of faith if we are to have anything in this world. It can be extremely hard though. Disappointment does not even come close to a broken heart on the pain scale.

 

It's hard to tell if a guy is multi-dating. Well, I got caught a while back when the two were friends and I was not aware of it lol. Seems like a lot of women are not cool with it. Trust me, there is just as much over-analyzing on the other side too!

 

Not answering the first question should not matter, cause it's just a vague pleasantry type of question. Wow, I wish I'd get a text saying "I miss you" lol! The fact that he's dependable and prompt is a good sign. Hmm, interesting on the call he makes when he's coming over. I could be off base, but that might show maybe some insecurity? Making sure you're there, like he's worried you might have forgetten or something. I'm not sure on that, I've always just shown up at a woman's house/apt at the time we agreed upon.

 

From what you wrote, he does not seem to be the type of guy to just go poof. A week and a half does seem like a long time with no contact after you've been dating two months. I personally think you both are now waiting for the other to contact. Like a standoff! I recommend texting him and invite him for dinner or something. I would not even mention the 1 1/2 week silence.

 

On my issue: She told me that she never had the desire for it, and one of her friends used to even call her the "man hater". She's not like the really career-oriented prudish type at all. She's very feminine and submissive (as in wants me to lead). She does seem to have a low self-esteem. I asked what her favorite thing about teaching was one time and she said "Kids don't judge". I still don't know what she meant by that. We were playing board game where you answer question and one of them was "Name your most attractive quality". She could not answer it. It baffles me because she comes from a GIANT family of 7 kids with a preacher father, her being the oldest.

 

So that being said, I guess she might have some rules in her head. There have been several instances when she did not follow them though. When I met her I was dating the two friends (the ones I mentioned earlier in this message). I really did not care if I went out with her for not. She did not seem shy at first, when I called her the phone conversation really sucked so I threw out her number. It fell apart with the other two girls (one of which I liked, one I grew to despise..lol) and the current girl texted me actually on the same day that happened. This was like 10-15 days after I had called her the first time. She also reached out to me another time after she got back from an out of town trip. So she's contacted me before.

 

I don't have a problem at all with her not being able to go today, but it did put the ball in her court. If she does not contact me about the concert I invited her to then I'm just going to say she's not interested. I have a pair of her shoes that she left in my car that I guess I'll drop on her porch next week if I have not heard from her.

[Iloveshyguys]

One thing about a lot of guys, its that we are insecure in some ways the same as women. We just don't show it and will NEVER admit it lol.

 

Thank you for "admitting". It's really helpful to me to know this

[Capricorn3]

Not sure on the PM thing, I tried it as well and it did not work.

You both need a lot more posts before PM's can be activated.