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perplexed and hurting-long thread

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Hello everyone. I'm new here and this is a long intro post, so please bear with me. I'm in the midst of trying not to have an emotional breakdown after the events of the past few months.


I met someone online through an alternative lifestyle site (this will be significant later) this summer. He and I are both in our late 30s and single, or this according to his profile. Immediately we hit it off famously. He was a single father of two, incredibly easy on the eyes with this amazing personality that shone through in his emails. I'd had my heart broken about a year ago and hadn't been able to jump into the deep end of the pool. so to speak. Instead, my profile stated that I just wanted an exclusive partner with whom to explore sexually as our schedules allow aka FWB. I could tell he was immediately into me from about our fifth email exchange (we exchanged about 20 emails the first day whilst working) and that evening we decided to chat online for about three hours after he put his kids to bed. The next day, same routine, though he wanted to start texting. By day four, a random times throughout the day, I'd get the occasional "miss u" email, which was incredibly sweet, in addition to a gorgeous photo of him if I asked about what he was wearing. He eventually confessed that he is going through a separation and has partial custody of the kids. OK...not a deal breaker for me, though I can understand why he would be a bit worried that I'd say "no thanks" to that bit of drama. I my only question was if he ever cheated on his wife, to which he confessed he did a few months before the end of his marriage. It was this woman who pressured him to leave as he was unhappy and after he did, they didn't work out. OK...I wasn't happy to hear about this and it stayed in the back of my head, but I also wasn't going to judge his circumstances.


We met in person on day 7 for lunch and it was instant electricity. We even had an incident where a woman walked passed us and said "You both make a good-looking couple." He walked me to my car and we made out like teenagers before I had to leave to go back to work. Again, we are adults in our late 30s. Two days later we had sex for the first time. I'd been celibate for a year up to this point and just couldn't wait, I guess. Again, what brought us together was our interest, um, edgier sex, so this was a dream guy for me. After a few weeks, I found myself really caring for him and wanting him in a capacity other than FWB. To that end, he'd already sent me signals that he felt the same way from day one. He left town for a week for work-related reasons and when he returned, things seemed to change. Though we kept in touch in the beginning of his trip, with his usual "miss u" texts, toward the end contact waned. I chalked this up to his being busy leading a few seminars. He's an artist in addition to his career and he lost quite a bit of his art posted on blogs from about 10 years ago. As a surprise, I spent the week that he was out of town gathering all of this art in the web archives, about 125 pieces, and building a web page for him so that he would now have these pieces. I greeted him at his place when he returned in town and we just kept telling one another how much we missed each other. Still, contact going forward was strange, with him suddenly replying to my emails instead of initiating them and his texting slowed to nothing. I was beginning to become upset that suddenly he wouldn't invite me over for a slumber party nor go to my place, though we talked about it when he had a weekend with no kids. Oh, and the artwork? He looked at the page for 30 seconds.


The next week I came over and he basically treated me like a prostitute. I was truly upset and and afterwards, he didn't even want me to hold or kiss him. He asked me to rub is back, which I did, of course, and it seemed as though he was rushing me out the door. At one point, I said "I thought we'd sit on the couch a bit more" and he said OK, but pretended to yawn and fall asleep. Upset, I stormed upstairs, not wanting him to see me out, and he followed me up. He hugged me goodbye...hugged...and I left..holding back tears until I could get to the privacy of my car. Meanwhile, earlier that day I sent him an erotic story that he promised to read and stay up until I was home. I get a message along the lines of "Hey U. Good Story!" No way did he read it. So, I said "Hey U? Nice that my services tonight received such a loving term" and he flipped out! Said he didn't want me to contact him for 48 hours as punishment and became angry when I did to explain why I was so angry at the time. He decided, after asking me earlier in the week to spend Sunday with him, that he suddenly had a wedding in PA (weddings don't usually pop up) to go to and that on Sunday a friend of his was taking him tor dinner and drinks to celebrate getting a new job. I was annoyed and suggested that maybe he step back and analyze if he wants me. While he was "deciding", he made another trip in the daytime, something that he doesn't know that I know, and suddenly doesn't even want to have me over in his house.


The next couple weeks were spent with him telling me that he's wrestling with his issues of our kinky sex life (I know, TMI) and that he's had to consult with his pastor at the encouragement of his father. This man is an Atheist. While I was obviously suspicious, I supported him and even bought an online book for him on christianity and sexuality, hoping it would help. I told him that I loved him and that I'm in his corner and that I'd wait for him while he sorted this out and sorted out his divorce,etc, but to please not shut me out completely. I'd make contact via email once a day and get a one line response. After a while, I became both more and more disillusioned and suspicious that he found someone else but lacked the balls to tell me. I decided it best to maybe go away for a while to let him sort things out. When we spoke on the phone, he was find with out continued contact. Via email, however, he said he wanted no contact while he sorted things out.


Last Thursday evening, I wanted to meet just to get closure and to get an item back from him and he started stating how I was truly scaring him (this man is 6'2", 190 and I'm 5'2", 135) and how he didn't want me to come over but to bring the item over. I agreed and said I'd tell him when I was finished cleaning. Suddenly, he says that he doesn't want to come over because he's scared of me and wanted to mail the item. I became angry. At no point was I ever disrespectful to this man nor rude. Not even now. I went to bed angry and woke up to more hateful emails. After a while, he says "lets meet at a coffee shop, so I can see you and apologize in person and we can give each other closure and end as friends." FIne. Sure. I met him Friday evening and he was pleasant, like the man I first met, and he was apologetic and said that he did care for me. He said there was no one else in the picture and that he needs time to concentrate on his children, but I don't believe him. He's a very sexual man and has found that balance of relationships and his children before. I realize we may have moved too fast in the beginning emotionally.


So, I'm trying to get through the pain of all this happening and trying to parse what the hell just happened. I'm really hurt, deeply depressed and I can't understand why the sudden 180 and going from not wanting to be without me to throwing me away like garbage. Any thoughts whatsoever are welcome. I'd especially welcome those from men who have or are going through a divorce.

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You got far too deeply involved with someone who was effectively a stranger; you knew nothing about this guy apart from his carefully-crafted contact. In the beginning, you offered FWB and an erm, unconventional, sex life - and he took you at your word.


I also think YOU need to rethink your offer of FWB. The fact that you did fall so deeply for him suggests that actually you are looking for a deeper, more emotional connection - and this would have scared the hell out of someone who thought you were just offering your body. In a way, you had set yourself up to attract a douchebag; no nice guy would have responded to a profile like that.

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OK, no offense meant...but you met on a "lifestyle" website and you both stated upfront that you were looking solely for a FWB situation. You knew he was in the middle of a separation, as well. Yet, despite all that, you proceeded to meet him, have sex with him, and immediately change the terms of your arrangement after developing feelings for him - which, in all honesty, sound borderline obsessed and totally one-sided. I suspect he got more than he bargained for and is pulling back. If you're scaring him, I don't think he means physically.


You need to let this one go. There's nothing here but a fantasy.

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