Hopless in Bahamas

[bonnieandclyde]

I am 29 and have been married for 7 years. I have alot of regrets in that i didn't date enough or got a college education but with all my regrets I think i've found myself an awesome guy. Great dad but a horrible romancer and horrible work ethics. He stays on a job for a long time so commitment isn't his problem. the problem I have with him is inability to want more for himself and his family. He's prepared to work for people all of his natural life while my attitude has always been find a stepping stone get higher and break free from the bondage of employment to entrepreneurship. he thinks i rattle about work work work and i think he doesn't rattle at all. I have to mention that while i have no college degree I was afforded a high level education so my command of the english language is top notch and I am great at marketing and public speaking so while i am not educated I blend in well with the likes. Lately ive found myself in an affair with a married man that is exactly his opposite and vice versa. Very career driven..a work a holic for lack of a better word, extremely educated and well established. I find though that I am at a rock in the road because i value the father in my husband and know that the business in my lover is temporary but I desire that in my own marriage. I am dreadfully unhappy and am thinking that perhaps in leaving him I will be able to find a husband that will be all three an excellent lover, amazing provider and an awesome father figure....hard to find....lol from the word in the market but these are very important to me and i doubt ill every be truly happy if i am unsuccessful in becoming work free ....what do i do divorce him?

[RedDress]

He's prepared to work for people all of his natural life while my attitude has always been find a stepping stone get higher and break free from the bondage of employment to entrepreneurship.

 

If you want to do this... why don't you do this? Why do you care what your husband does or who he works for? He is not you.

 

I think you should tell your husband about this affair.

[elcie]

You both have very different priorities!

 

From what you've said, your husband values his family more than his career. You seem to be the opposite!

 

Your ambition has blinded you so much that you find a career-driven workaholic lover more attractive than a reliable husband who is a loving father.

 

I mean, you say that your husband is a great father....does that mean you have children? You haven't even mentioned them!

 

I just think you need to take a good hard look at yourself and figure out what is really important. Money, career etc can become very empty if you're not loved and loving.

[Moontiger]

He's prepared to work for people all of his natural life while my attitude has always been find a stepping stone get higher and break free from the bondage of employment to entrepreneurship.

 

If you want to do this... why don't you do this? Why do you care what your husband does or who he works for? He is not you.

 

I think you should tell your husband about this affair.

 

This. 100%.

[Natasha24]

So what I'm reading here is..

 

Your husband is a great dad. He works hard to provide for your family, and he prioritizes your family above everything else. So you went and cheated on him with another man, simply because the other guy is a workaholic?

 

Your husband is not the problem here. He sounds like a wonderful man. You need to tell him about the affair and let him decide what he wants to do.

[agent1607307371]

If this guy has none of the qualities you were looking for in a mate, why did you marry him and have children with him in the first place?

 

And you did not "find" yourself in an affair. You deliberately started one.

[bonnieandclyde]

Geez. I feel like im being attacked for wanting an easier life for my family. I did mention that he's not a good romancer in fact not at all! A woman needs romance and affection. he provides for the family as do I. Infact I lock down regular work at a bank as well as a small business i opened in 2010 (marketing) as well as a business I opened to help him become more independent of his job (cleaning company) that he seems disinterested in so I operate myself. I think every one has me painted as a grewling wife with a knife at my husbands throat. Hes great at being a dad but hes not only a father her's also a husband and a provider the other two are being abandoned heavily. Your responses however are very sobering!

[eggsandcheese]

Stop the affair and start working on your marriage. For the kids' sake. You won't find a better man -- everyone has a different drive. Some people are happy working for someone, and he's shown commitment keeping on a job. Be happy for that. Do you know how many guys there are that can't keep a job? OR that are terrible fathers? Why don't you start a business for yourself, or work to be a better wife. This is the 7-year itch. Did they teach you about that in school?

 

It's also never too late to get the college degree you want. Go back to school or regret not doing so and ruin this marriage because of it all. And ruin the other marriage involved. There's no contest, really. You are making a mess, now with all your drive and entrepreneurship you should be smart enough to fix it.

[Natasha24]

Geez. I feel like im being attacked for wanting an easier life for my family. I did mention that he's not a good romancer in fact not at all! A woman needs romance and affection. he provides for the family as do I. Infact I lock down regular work at a bank as well as a small business i opened in 2010 (marketing) as well as a business I opened to help him become more independent of his job (cleaning company) that he seems disinterested in so I operate myself. I think every one has me painted as a grewling wife with a knife at my husbands throat. Hes great at being a dad but hes not only a father her's also a husband and a provider the other two are being abandoned heavily. Your responses however are very sobering!

 

You're cheating on your husband because he doesn't have the same work ethic as you do. What kind of responses were you expecting here?

 

I doubt anyone here is trying to "attack" you. We are just trying to help you understand why it is so very wrong to cheat on a man who clearly lives and breathes for his family.

 

There are many ways to go about fixing this issue (talk to him, go to counselling, etc). Choosing to have an affair is not the right way to fix this.

[agent1607307371]

did you ask him before you openend the company for him?

 

 

Being a bad romancer is no reason to be cheated on. I wonder why you are able to put so much effort into cheating on your husband and into work but so little into communicating with him?

[DN]

You can hardly blame people for a negative view when your posts seem to present you as something of a gold-digger who cheated on her husband to be with someone who can provide more gold. That may not be who you are but it is the impression you are giving.

[luminousone]

You feel like you are being attacked but everyone is being very honest with you.

 

You talk about his "work" ethics but wouldnt you say that "honesty" ethics are more important in the scheme of life.

 

I also believe that loving and bringing up a child is the single most important responsibility in life, if one is able to or finds themselves in that situation. More important than all of the material things in life.

 

Part of bringing up a child is teaching them to be honest and being a good role model, as well as modeling for them a healthy marriage.

 

Cheating hurts your child, it hurts your spouse, it hurts your marriage, it hurts your reputation, and it hurts you!

 

You can try to rationalize it any way you want but it all boils down to this- your marriage has issues and rather than working them through or leaving your marriage you have chosen to sneak and lie and then blame your husband for doing so.

 

Maybe your marriage does have problems but the BIGGER problem is your dishonesty and the fact that you are trying to rationalize your disastrous decision.

 

When you are in a committed relationship then you either stay committed and work on it or you break up and then have your flings. It is selfish and wrong to try to have it both ways and I bet you will regret it in the years to come.

 

Think about your child- think about what you want to teach him- fill yourself with the love you have for your child and then do the right thing.

[sara-pezzini]

did you ask him before you openend the company for him?

 

 

Being a bad romancer is no reason to be cheated on. I wonder why you are able to put so much effort into cheating on your husband and into work but so little into communicating with him?

agree 100% not everyone has your drive to have their own business, a lot of people are happy working for people and that should be okay, not being forced to change that, and then to cheat on him with a workaholic is just plain wrong......also not all men are very romantic, i assume you knew this before you married him? he sounds like a good man, some women would give anything to have a good man in their life, yet you are not satisfied because he is bad at romance and is satisfied in a job working for people.....i think you should tell him you cheated and give him the option of wanting to leave

[Lily McFly]

Why do you say you 'found yourself' in an affair? No, you willingly walked into an affair, and if you did that because your husband isn't a real go getter in his work life, shame on you. At least he is employed. That's disgraceful that you will throw a marriage with children away and pin all your hopes on a guy who is knowingly sleeping with a married woman - hello - are there any issues there???, (because hopes is all it will be), because you can't know that the next guy you marry is going to be 'better' for you than your husband. TRUST ME, I don't care WHO you marry next, THERE.WILL.BE.ISSUES. And sorry, but you sound like you're 'high maintenance' and cannot be satisfied. As far as him not being a great romancer, neither are most men, and NO MAN is going to be able to sustain any great level of romance throughout a lifelong marriage, so if that is another reason you want to see if the grass is greener on the other side, well, good luck. Start counting the blessings you have and quit worrying so much about status, and education, etc....the most important things in life...aren't things.

[Lily McFly]

And if you fess up to the affair like people are suggesting...PLEASE THINK CLEARLY BEFOREHAND AND DO NOT TELL HIM IT WAS BECAUSE OF HIS WORK HABITS. You could destroy him, because there is nothing wrong with his beliefs in work. He deserves better and truthfully, there are a lot of women out there who would not treat him or be harboring these thoughts of him that you do.

[bulletproof]

Geez. I feel like im being attacked for wanting an easier life for my family.

 

I question whether you want an easier life for your family, because having an affair just made it a hundred times harder for them.

 

Agree with all those that are saying you need to end the affair and work on your marriage.

[Moontiger]

I question whether you want an easier life for your family, because having an affair just made it a hundred times harder for them.

 

Agree with all those that are saying you need to end the affair and work on your marriage.

 

Ya, having an affair, disrespecting, and lying to the man who gave your children does not equal wanting an caring about your family. You knew who he was when you married him. If you are unhappy with him you either get therapy together or get divorced. You don't start bonking some other guy.

 

What you want is a fantasy a guy who is a perfect father, makes a ton of money, and buys you flowers every week and takes you out to fancy expensive dinners. This does not exist. You have a guy who loves you and your family, who works hard to provide for them. And you upset he doesn't give you more attention??? Seems petty to me.

 

Did you every try telling him what you want? Or did you expect him to be a mind reader?