That bittersweet feeling - Anybody else feel it?

[Knightrider12]

I broke up with my g/f a few months ago. I didn't want to - I loved her a lot - but our 12 month relationship was toxic to say the least. I wanted more, she didn't, push, pull, push, pull. The WHOLE year we were together, I didn't have a job as I was waiting to start a grad scheme i'd been accepted on in September. After we broke up and I realised that this could have been the cause for the strain on our relationship. I wrote her a long letter, apologising, opening up and asking to give us another chance. She said no - cue 10 weeks of terrible grieving.

 

Anyways, I went through the post break up changes. I read books on life & love, started working out harder, yoga etc. I also started the grad scheme 2 weeks ago and I LOVE it. My whole mood has changed, i'm busier, richer, happier, have new work friends, have my own life - everything I said in the letter. I'm happier than I have been for a long time. It's just so bittersweet that there's now a (insert her name here) hole left in my life now. I'd be SO much happier with her.

 

Part of me wants to call her and be like 'I'VE CHANGED' but it just won't work? (that's a question as i'd appreciate some advice actually). I know she still loves me, but I also know she just wants to be alone and enjoy her freedom now. I have a new sense of clarity now i'm in her shoes which says that I was too needy when out of work and I pushed her away. I f*cked up. Obviously our lack of communication was the real big factor here so it is a two way street.

 

 

Anyways, has anybody ever succeeded in the post-break up changes to themselves, only to have that bittersweet feeling of wishing you could be the NEW YOU but still with them?

[Lambert]

You've done such a good job of making yourself happy and moving forward with life. CONGRATULATIONS! That is really awesome.

 

Do you really want to subject yourself to her rejection again?

 

Isn't it possible the new you will meet someone new that won't have all the old hurts/problems?

 

I say this because as much as we want to change and be different with an ex, it has been my experience that things will go back to the way they were. Let's say you get her back, which is a huge hurdle to begin with because she already rejected you once. And mind you, she has probably been moving on in her life too. So don't expect her to be just sitting there waiting for you.. but anyway, let's pretend you get her back.... At first, it might be great and you will be thinking-- this is great! We belong together. But I am telling sure as the sun will set, old hurts, arguments, insecurities will creep back in.

 

Not only will you be hurt, but you will be kicking yourself... here you were enjoying your new life but you had to go back, you had to be with her.

 

Sorry to be so blunt... but seriously, keep moving forward. It's okay to look for girls with similar traits and just hope that next time you find a good girl, you do the right things.

 

Good luck!

[LadyCaCa]

I actually don't want him to respond. I have taken this job and even if he wanted to take me back, I can't stay now. I am being dramatic. He knows I want him back and he's been stringing me along for weeks trying to make up his mind. I've had enough and I have to make a decision. I guess I want him to know that it's him I want, I'm not giving up on us, but I can't take the pain anymore, I have to move on.

[LadyCaCa]

sorry, I posted that in the wrong place ...

[Stevonymo]

Hi. When you examine your heart, your needs then you know it won't work! I had to end a relationship recently because deep down I knew we had no future. Yes we loved each other but were not compatible when trying to live together. It's just how it goes, you can love someone but not be on the same page in life.

[markie6]

When I am in a contemplative mood , I often find myself smiling slightly and shaking my head and saying " how did it come to this ?" ... similar feeling I guess, definitely bittersweet , at times more bitter and others more sweet. I am at sadly at the point of no return, when it would go against my better judgement to even contemplate a reconciallation. Not sure if it's a good place to be or not... undecided

[Knightrider12]

Thanks for the responses guys.

 

Yeah, I can't look back I guess. Just to use that word again - it's so bittersweet that I really think she'd like the new me so much more than the old!

It's a massive shame as she was an incredible catch in the first place. She wasn't always a perfect g/f but a great girl nonetheless. We had our incompatibilities somewhat, but these were completely amplified by my work situation and my general negative mood because of this. I guess i'll never know now whether it could have worked out better. That hurts, i'm not gonna lie.

 

I guess I should just keep focusing on me and give it the test of time. If in a few months, I still have regrets, then I guess I should act?

[markie6]

We change all the time, there is often the chance that as we change people won't like the new you .. but you are constantly evolving , people often make the mistakes in a relationship , that they realise afterwards. we have all done it, but it's a lesson most are forced to learn. The other fact is , the change in her, you are probably noticing it right now... she isn't as trustworthy or sympathetic as she used to be

 

 

test of time sounds good, wait for justin bieber to collect his grammy, then act Look after number 1 and make yourself the best you...for you

[Knightrider12]

Bump. Anybody else know the feeling?

[secondchance67]

I know it all too well.

 

The difference is, the "new me" wouldn't want the "old / current" her.

 

I have changed so much, regained my perspective and really examined my needs and wants in a partner.....if she came back tomorrow she wouldn't come close to the person I want in my life, and more importantly, the person I deserve.

[TalkThatTalk9]

honestly, I do think how the ex would love to be with the new me. I am everything he wanted me to be while we were together.

 

I am becoming independent, I am happy, I am free spirited, I am easy going, I am kind and I know what I want in life.

 

and I have only become those things by ridding my life of him

 

But guess what? he does not deserve to have the new me.

 

A person should not have to change for someone. It has taken me SO long and a hard road to realize this.

 

I have several guy friends and a few new guys I am getting to know. and they all think I am so GREAT to hang with (I sometimes wonder why lol) they just think I am funny, and nice, and smart. My ex never called me those things.

 

I was starting to think about why it was these guys were cool with me but my ex wasn't and wanted me to change so bad.

 

I realized nothing I would do would make him happy, I had to change for myself. and I did. and now I don't want him to even have single bit to do with it.

 

after years of abuse, sadness, his hurting words, and vicious insults, why should he get to enjoy a single bit of happiness I have?

 

I of course miss him and would love to be back with him... but that was teh OLD him. he has changed too, and not in a good way at all. and it has only taken him 6 months to turn into the jerk he is.

 

so think about it... you could use all those changes on a person who is worthy of your time and love, or try and waste it on a person who was not happy with you to begin with and won't appreciate the change.

 

my next boyfriend will appreciate what my ex didn't.... and it is my ex's loss.

[Knightrider12]

it's great how far you've all come! I'm happy that you've all seen the light. Great to see for us with more recent breakups.

 

My situation is sort of different. There was no infidelety, abuse etc. She really was a great catch. We argued constantly over things that I can now see shouldn't have been a big deal. I messed up and I lost her. I know I can't have any regrets for the break up as it was the break up which helped me grow and discover what I want, need and deserve. So otherwise nothing would have changed anyway.

 

But what am I meant to do when I get the space to grow and realise what I want, only to realise I already had that?

[Knightrider12]

Just to add. I'm 22 and this was my first relationship. From my own experience and from others I've read, one matures a lot emotionally in their first real relationship and I feel like I have done. I just wish she was my second!

[Knightrider12]

Hey guys. Me again. Sorry to bump this up again but I don't want to make a new thread.

 

I kinda need some advice. I really appreciate all the positive advice so far but I just don't think it's hit me in the right place.

 

I'm not gonna pretend i'm past the grieving stage. I still feel slightly down at times and I do still bargain a bit - I still practice in my head what i'd say to her if I had the chance. I also still think about her a lot. But I have made a lot of progress - I smile and laugh a lot again and I feel happy very often. I know longer feel despair about the break up, just a lot of regret. I no longer feel like I need her to be happy, I feel confident about myself again. I can even think of her dating others without having a breakdown.

 

I genuinely believe I have changed. My moods changed and my whole attitude towards other people and life has changed. My life has direction with a new career and after evaluating my life, i've started to develop my own ambitions and dreams (to travel to new places and cultures 3 weeks a year). On top of that, I've discovered a few new hobbies and potentially passions (amateur photography - on my travels, and lots and lots of live music).

 

ANYWAYS, I need advice on how to cope with these feelings of regret and of still missing her. Saying 'i'll find better eventually' just isn't working. I ended it with her due to her not cooperating with what I thought was important, I made mountains out of molehills, the old me pushed away a great girl and my first love.

I DO want her back, not to find somebody else. Not because I believe she's the only one for me or the only girl that will ever love me, but because I believe it could work now. I know better than to call her and tell her i've changed - she won't believe me and of course, 3 months on, it just looks pathetic. I need to show her, but when i'm in NC and continuing to heal, it's kind of impossible. Besides tactically showing her is a passive form of manipulation and is not healthy. Catch 22.

 

Truthfully, i'm 99% that she just will not change her mind whether she believes i've changed or not. She has her head set on moving on and not going back and you know what - fair enough. So what can I do to get her back - if anything? How do I deal with the regret when I can't help but feel like I was the one to ruin it with an incredible girl?

[Knightrider12]

BUMP. Wow i've posted the last four times.

 

Please can I just get some advice on this. I feel like i'm really at a crossroads in the healing process - just need to know what the next step is and how to make it.

[markie6]

If you are waiting and hoping for somebody to chime in with.... yeah get in contact with her, show her you have changed.... I think you will be out of luck. Sadly you want her to notice your change , you think it will make up the 99% difference and she will take you back...You are asking us over and over again.... I just don't think it's a good move. The only thing you can do , is carry on improving yourself.. for you

 

If she changes her mind in the future, gets curious... who knows? She has made her choice and there is no point waiting for her to change i her mind , because lets be honest she may never.

 

Sorry mate, I know why you keep asking... but the answer is no from me.

[Capricorn3]

So what can I do to get her back - if anything? How do I deal with the regret when I can't help but feel like I was the one to ruin it with an incredible girl?

 

Please can I just get some advice on this. I feel like i'm really at a crossroads in the healing process - just need to know what the next step is and how to make it.

The next step is acceptance. As long as you keep on obsessing about how to get her back to prove to her how much you have changed, you will never move on and will forever be stuck in the same place you find yourself right now.

 

You have to learn to accept that it didn't work out. Accept you made mistakes. Accept she has moved on. Accept that it's now over and learn from this experience and know what NOT to do in future relationships. Time to let it go for good and stop obsessing about it. Accept it.

[Knightrider12]

Thanks guys. I suppose that's all I needed to hear. They say advice is having somebody tell you what you already know and I certainly don't disagree - just needed to hear it. I was certainly anticipated being told to give up but just wanted some mind tricks/ thoughts to assess on how to reach acceptance?

 

 

It's a bit strange. It's certainly an ego thing but its hard to accept when a RS goes sour. It's a bit like screwing up a job interview and knowing you could have done better, and wanting to have another go.

 

Anyways, thanks for all the advice guys. This forum has absolutely saved me from breakdown (and a restraining order ha) throughout this breakup. Keep it up, what you're doing is great!