When should I contact her?

[infinitesigma]

Mate, I feel for you and it sucks that you had such a rough day. Unfortunately, a few of those here and there are to be expected when dealing with the ending of a relationship. But that is all they are, days. They'll come and go, never be permanent. Thankfully, each one helps build on our inner strength and resolve, and we soon learn that if we can make it through today, then we can do the same for tomorrow.

 

The feeling of hurt and despair is normal. I've been through it and so have a lot of other people cruising around these forums. What you need to realize is that it will pass. That is your hope, the light at the end of the tunnel. IT WILL GET BETTER. A lot of us are proof of that. We have survived, earning our badge. And we will be here to help you survive so you too can earn your badge. All we ask in return is you don't give up and allow us to be here for you.

 

I personally do not know you, but I can assume you had a good life before she came into it. Well, that has not changed. She was only an addition to it all. Take her away and all the pre-relationship you is still there. But now, you have an amazing opportunity to do something great and that is become a better you. A few make the choice to waste this second chance by not reflecting, learning and building. Do not fall into that category. Use this time, take advantage of it to be a better you.

 

If you want revenge, then do it right by not giving up on yourself and, most importantly, live well.

 

This is your thread. You do not have to go through this alone. If you need support, someone to listen or just to let out what is on your mind then by all means feel free to do so. Listen and take in the advice given to you. We will treat you with compassion and respect as most of us know what it feels like.

[Someone1]

Thanks,

 

I miss her really badly now, I haven't talked to her since Thursday, that's 5 days ago, I really want to talk to her, what should I do?

[Shane Falco]

Thanks,

 

I miss her really badly now, I haven't talked to her since Thursday, that's 5 days ago, I really want to talk to her, what should I do?

 

Hold strong and do not contact her. If you aren't sure why, just go back and in this thread and read how despondent your posts were after you tried to contact her before. NC sucks, but it's the best thing. It's a hell of a lot better than the hell you put yourself through last week.

[Someone1]

It's been a week now of NC from my part, it's been hard, but I know kinda get the point that it lets you heal from the emotions, but i've been feeling down quite a lot too..and have many times been close to sending her a text...

 

I wonder if she is thinking about me or have moved on...worst thing on my mind is if she thinks I don't care just because I've wen't NC on her...she hasen't contacted me either after she told me it would take her a long time to forgive me for that suicide threath I made a week ago...I don't know if she is using that as an excuse or if she means it.

 

Because if she really cared she would have at least asked me how I feel right or is she scared or something and avoiding it that way? Or perhaps she is using it as an excuse all together?

 

What do you think?

 

 

Her birthday is coming up soon , 15th of october, I don't know if I should stay NC or if I should contact her.

[Cope and Hope]

I'm going to be as blunt as possible here because what you DON'T need right now is someone patting you on the back telling you it's all going to be okay. What you REALLY need right now is a reality check.

 

You neglected her, she was hurt, she moved on, now your ego is bruised. In short, that's what happened right there. Even if you guys were to get back together now you would probably revert back to the same behaviour in a month or two once you're feeling better. Just learn from this, let go, and do your best to not do it again it you actually have learned anything from this mess.

 

Here's some more bluntness that you really do need. She more than likely is not thinking about you. You're trying to convince yourself to contact her despite her not wanting you to by telling yourself she'll think you don't care if you stay NC. She already doesn't really care, hence the breakup. You don't get hurt if you don't care; this was the time for you to show her you cared, while she was hurting. Once she decided to break up with you, she pretty much stopped caring right there. She's not avoiding her true feelings or anything of the sort, you're just trying to convince yourself that to avoid reality.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through some pain, I'm sure we've all been there but the reason I'm being blunt with you and I'm telling you to check yourself is because out of everything I've read from you NOTHING has really seemed sincere. All of your threats, attempts to get her back, hostility, considering "ruining her life with dirt" and so on all scream bruised ego and everything you've done just looks like they're desperate attempts to mend your wounded pride. How can I say this? Because I've seen it before. Someone dates someone, thinks they're better than their partner, thinks they can do better and their current partner is just a placeholder until someone offering more comes along, person gets dumped for neglect, person dumped thinks "how could they dump ME?!". Sorry buddy. Learn and move on.

[Shane Falco]

Continue to stay away. Please. Everytime you have contacted her has been a disaster, both in the way you two interacted and your emotions afterward. You need months away from her at least. And no to the birthday thing -- her reaction, or non-reaction, at this point will drive you crazy. I wished my ex a happy birthday a couple weeks ago. She responded "hey thanks!" but then I tried a followup question and got nothing. And it put me back to the bad place I was right after the break happened. Since then I've decided that life is too short to be wondering what she's doing and hoping she'll call/text me back and I've been much better because of it. I'm almost back to normal and it's great. If she wants to get ahold of me I'll cross that bridge when it comes, but I don't care what she is thinking because a) I don't know and won't know and b) unless that thought turns into her talking to me, it doesn't matter.

 

But yeah, like I said before, if you are having doubts, reread this thread and your emotional state every time you tried to contact her. You seem to be doing better, but you have to stay strong and keep it up.

[Someone1]

Some of it might be true, but not all of it, first of all, she was the one pulling all the strings in the relationship I never had the chance to get a breather and do things to show my appreciation back so of course I was taking her for granted.

 

She was not perfect, she had her moments where she doubted, I think she was desperate to make it work, her desperation made it harder for me to appreciate her, I was just chilling, then when I started to consider taking her more seriously she started to loose interest and this happened.

 

So you can't blame me for causing all the neglect, I just don't understand how she could turn 180 on me. It's really hard to understand.

 

Plus if we were to get together now It would be different, now I don't know if it would be different in a good way, that depends on how deep the love is.

[Someone1]

That's hard, in order for me to let go of a person like that I have to dislike them, and I don't want to feel that way towards her.

[Shane Falco]

That's hard, in order for me to let go of a person like that I have to dislike them, and I don't want to feel that way towards her.

 

Of course it's hard. Doing the right thing almost always is. You don't have to dislike that person, you just have to know that right now they are a negative in your life. It's clear from this thread that it's a huge negative right now. Seriously, go back and read what you wrote last week/two weeks ago. Why the hell would you want a repeat of that?

[Someone1]

Long update short, after 2 weeks of NC she called last week on Wednesday to see how I was doing (bs I say she was just trying to ease of her pain) we talked on the phone It felt good I got a lot of stuff said, It felt like she got another picture of me rather then the negative one with all the stuff that happened it helped a lot and it feels better with certain things being said then not.

 

Then on Sunday we talked again on the internet she initiated all the contact and I got to get accross a clearer picture of what happened.

 

Then today on Monday it was her birthday so I sent her a text wishing her happy birthday and telling her how much I was looking forward to this day in the beginning.

 

Got a short answer back where she said, “Thank you so much but we never celebrated anything either.”

 

I immediately interpreted that as she was dissing me as she was taking me as a friend and not someone special she would want to spend time with.

 

So I sent back, “Uhh ok I give up bye” - As in I am not interested to be your friend and if you don't want to date me I'm out.

 

She then responded "This might sound selfish but do you want to take a walk or something? Meaning now...and this was about 1 hour ago I didn’t respond 15 mins later, she wrote back, I am sorry that was low of me - meaning that her intentions with the meet up was only for her own conscience and had nothing to do with us.

 

So far I haven't responded I don't know, what should I do or say? I Feel really angry now for putting myself out there and for her to diss me like this.

 

I was thinking of writing back, “If you think it's low of you to meet me then frankly I don't think you are ready to meet yet because I actually value the time with you” Is that good or should I write something ells back or not even respond?

 

I mean the only reason I would like to meet her is because it’s actually her birthday and I had really looked forward to it but if it's for her own good to just ease of some of her pain so she can move forward i aint so keen on letting her do that and dump more emotional bagage on me.

 

So should I meet her up or not? And what should I respond?

[FrenchFries]

I think you are still emotionally tied to her, while she is not feeling the same for you...so, no, I do not think it benefits you at all to go meet or continue corresponding with her. It's not going to lead to anything but you missing her even more, or the dreadful mixed signals everyone talks about. IMO She's only doing it because she thinks it will make you feel better, or it will make her feel better for hurting your feelings, like a pity meet-up. Sorry.

[Someone1]

Ok another update

 

So I didn’t go but we had a text conversation that basically ended up in her admitting she was unsure about the whole situation to my surprise I didn’t feel any big relief as if I would have felt 2 weeks ago but more sure of why I shouldn’t be with her as with how she could even expect me to trust her again after all that she has done...

 

Now I got mixed feelings and I told her I am sorry but I don't know what to say, I have to many feelings inside right now...she replayed with

 

I'm still not sure if this is a trick from her side to lure me in to the friend zone or if she is genuine about it, but she asked me if I wanted to hear what she had to say, that's when I said I was sorry and that I didn’t know.

 

The text conversation went something like this

 

Me

Congratulations! Hope you have a good day, It's sad that I can not celebrate you properly as I had thought in the beginning had really been looking forward to it actually

 

She

Thank you so much there was no celebration at all anyways.

 

Me

yuk ok I give up bye

 

She

I was going to ask if it wouldn’t be too selfish to meet up and take a walk or something.

 

She

Sorry, that was low

 

Me

If you already knew what you wanted and that it was not positive why did you ask?

 

She

Because I sometimes forget that you have every right to hate me and I just want to be in a little bubble where everything is the way I wish it was.

 

Me

You know I do not want to hate you but you force me to it, I do not want to

 

She

Just thought you might like to : ( sorry.

 

Me

Yes but why do you want to meet up?

 

She

I'm having a hard time knowing how it all should be fine. It's hard to be by myself today when I have for long time thought that I would not be. I know you have had to adapt yourself a lot so I’m sorry.

 

Me

What do you want me to do then?

 

She

I don't know, sorry it was a incredibly stupid question.

 

Me

No question is stupid and you know what I really think

 

She

Nope I do not know

 

Me

I think you do

 

She

I'm not sure.

 

Me

What do you mean?

 

She

Do you want me to call you, should I say what I think .. I do not even know what you want

 

Me

Sorry I don't know what to say there is to much emotions in me right now

 

She

 

 

 

So what do you think she is trying to do here? Is this genuine or is she just playing some game on me? Has she come to some form of realization about the fact that she thought she wouldn’t be by alone herself on her birthday and now is and is doubting why she broke up with me when we had great plans for it? Is she finally seeing all the good times we had instead of the messed up break up and my crazy chase after her?

 

What is really going on here?

 

Let me point out that our last conversation we had on the internet actually did clear some things she thought about me that was wrong, as with why the break-up occurred, I think that kind of set of some chain-reaction, I was kinda expecting this and maybe that is why she is doubting?

 

Or I don't know

 

I see 3 options here

 

1.) She feels really bad for hurting me and wants to feel good about herself by seeing I’m fine

 

2.) She wants to keep me around as a friend so she is desperately trying to hold me by acting this way when she knew I wouldn’t accept anything less then a relationship

 

3.) She genuinely doubts her decision and wants to know where I stand so she can consider giving it a try.

 

 

That's the 3 options I see here...anyone ells agree? Could there be other motives?

 

If you ask me where I stand in this I’d say I don’t know I have mixed feelings about it now…I started to feel like I was getting over her last Saturday, I guess I have a hard time believing anything she says right now, It would take me a while to trust her…because she left me once, what says she won’t do it again? What’s the guarantee? How can I ever feel secure with this girl and honestly I expected more from her then just being "unsure"

 

What can I make out of this? Any ideas?

[Ms Darcy]

You are kinda mean to her in your communications. Even though she may feel bad for breaking up, from the way you treat her it doesn't sound like she is moving towards getting back together.

[Someone1]

You are kinda mean to her in your communications. Even though she may feel bad for breaking up, from the way you treat her it doesn't sound like she is moving towards getting back together.

 

Well I'm not going to treat her this way all the time of course...I'm just having a really hard time believing anything she has to say right now that's why I am this mean in the conversation.

 

Because everytime I have opened myself up in a conversation with her these last weeks she has continuously put a spear through my hearth.

 

So I think I am entitled to reserve myself in the conversations until I know what her real intentions are.

 

It's not that I want to be mean, but I got to protect myself as well and not just let her drive over me again and again.

[FrenchFries]

Well I'm not going to treat her this way all the time of course...I'm just having a really hard time believing anything she has to say right now that's why I am this mean in the conversation.

 

Because everytime I have opened myself up in a conversation with her these last weeks she has continuously put a spear through my hearth.

 

So I think I am entitled to reserve myself in the conversations until I know what her real intentions are.

 

It's not that I want to be mean, but I got to protect myself as well and not just let her drive over me again and again.

 

So...why keep communicating with her then? You acted like you didn't care - that's why she broke up with you...and now you're just mean. I don't think that it would change her mind, if you acted any differently, but the angry man response isn't going to get you anywhere either. Doesn't matter to me, I understand you're angry, but maybe that means you shouldn't be communicating with her at all right now.

 

Maybe she will catch the hint and just stop talking to you entirely.

[Someone1]

So...why keep communicating with her then? You acted like you didn't care - that's why she broke up with you...and now you're just mean. I don't think that it would change her mind, if you acted any differently, but the angry man response isn't going to get you anywhere either. Doesn't matter to me, I understand you're angry, but maybe that means you shouldn't be communicating with her at all right now.

 

Maybe she will catch the hint and just stop talking to you entirely.

 

I don't know I'll probably going to talk to her normal again, but will ask her the question, how do you expect me to trust you again?

[FrenchFries]

You are broken up...are you ok with being "friends?"

[Someone1]

You are broken up...are you ok with being "friends?"

 

No I don't think so and she knows that, at least that's not how it feels right now...right now i'm having a hard time trusting her and I'm not sure of her intentions either so..I don't know it dousen't feel like she want's me back really, I think she just feels alone and that things diden't turn out the way she planned after breaking up with me and that just upsets me even more that she has the guts to tell me that she is sad and unsure about her decision when it's not a decision to get back with me but to make herself look like a victim so I can feel sorry for her.

 

It might have worked in the beginning of the break-up but not now after weeks of rejection from her side and telling me not to hope for anything and just forget about her it feels better to not give in to whatever she is trying to do now.

 

She seems to want too "Have one's cake and eat it too" and that's very selfish and she knows it.

[Someone1]

Ok I thought i'd update this a bit

 

We have both cooled down and she says she needs me as a friend because she feels lonely, I said to her but you have friends? she then said "yeah but I feel alone, I didn’t feel that way with you." So she is conveying she misses me somehow.

 

I've started my healing process so i'm not going to have so much hope up if she won't let me fight for her. She doesn’t want me to try to win her back she can feel it when I try and don't like sometimes but somehow I feel she wants it.

 

She also might be planning to move from this town to another if she gets in school and because she feels she needs to get away from the history she has here so anything can happen from here..I just need to stay ready in case she does move and we can't be together

 

I've only meet her once after the break-up and it was for 15-20 mins when she was leaving town for a week and half. I hugged her, held her hands, was close, she looked sad, she had gained a lot of weight and said that she felt really bad these weeks with constant headaches and stuff. She felt a bit off but she still wanted me to be close to her.

 

I don't know my next step might be to try to get closer to her without pushing her away, I've given her some space and I think she respects that but I don't want to end up in the friend zone so I will keep myself as close as possible.

 

Any ideas on what I could do to make her open up to me more?

 

 

Thanks,

[Shane Falco]

The closer you stay to her, the more likely you'll be put in the friend zone. You don't need to go NC necessarily, but you can't be readily available.