When should I contact her?

[Ms Darcy]

You haven't respected the fact that you are not a couple anymore and she is free to do whatever she wants. If you feel disrespected by her behavior then move on from her to someone with similar values. Don't ever tell an ex who dumped you you don't approve of their behavior because that will drive her further away.

 

You struggle to really listen to people in this thread. This may be one reason she left the relationship.

[Someone1]

If you are resentful, why would you want to take her back? Honestly the more I read your responses, the more it seems like you and her are completely incompatible. I think avoiding her on Facebook is probably for the best -- your head seems pretty scrambled right now.

 

It's mixed feelings, it depends on what I focus on, If I think it's lost then I feel resentful if I feel there is hope I remember how much we love each other, right now It's hard for me to focus on any of those things because I don't know how she really feels about this whole situation for sure.

 

Is she avoiding contact so she dousen't hurt me? Or is she avoiding contact because she is afraid what will happen if we talk?

 

Maybe she is avoiding it because she is trying to forget? Or maybe it's just too painful for her right now? Honestly I don't know and that is what is driving me nuts right now! maybe I should just show her this thread and then she will understand LoL

 

I just want her to understand that I am not dissing her by going NC on her, I know she is the type of girl who would later on say, why diden't you contact me if you wanted to do it so bad? And i'll be for foke sake!

 

The only reason why I would go NC is for to give her and me some time to think it over, but it's not the way to go either, I think the best way is to keep communication open instead if possible.

 

I'm just trying to figure out how to do that.

[Someone1]

You haven't respected the fact that you are not a couple anymore and she is free to do whatever she wants. If you feel disrespected by her behavior then move on from her to someone with similar values. Don't ever tell an ex who dumped you you don't approve of their behavior because that will drive her further away.

 

You struggle to really listen to people in this thread. This may be one reason she left the relationship.

 

Yeah true, might be the case, I’m stubborn I hardly listen to people if the advices are counter-intuitive, you should see her she's 10 times worse sometimes.

 

But seriously I respect her choices, but I still got myself to think about and I can't let someone just step on me like she has done now, it just shows how low she can go, I mean what she did is pretty much selfish, she choose to follow her own feelings without giving it a logical thought that what she was doing was damaging our relationship, I mean if anything it just shows how much she values it after 1 year together.

 

I’ve had chances to fix it when I noticed she wasn’t as happy as before, and she told me that, but she never declared it to me what she was unhappy about I thought it was just her normal feelings, now that I think about I should have payed more close attention to her when she was feeling like that.

 

I mean this girl has been very loyal to me all the way always there when I needed her and the same for her, at the end I don’t know we started taken each other for granted, I was landing my plane after the honeymoon phase but she was still up there in panic too afraid to land (metaphorically speaking)

 

She even told me a couple of days before we broke up, that she was missing excitement in the relationship, I was like I can’t take you to Disney everyday…this is reality, but in her mind it was as if there was a perfect adventures relationship out there for her to find that’s a bit delusional in my opinion and of course in the beginning she was crazy in love with as if she was dreaming it all, I don't know what expections I let down for her, but there are some things I could work on in my life now that I see clearly is needed for any relationship to work properly and fine.

[Shane Falco]

First of all, stop trying to guess what she's thinking. There's no way to know, so stop planning your reactions around thoughts she might or might not have. That's really f-ing stupid. Second of all, keeping lines of communication open right now is a horrible idea for you because you have no idea what the heck you want. Hell, you have been dumped and you feel compelled to try to tell your ex that some of her behaviors are wrong. Do you honestly think that's going to work? If you do, you aren't very bright. You should not talk to her until you know what the hell you want. Do you want her or do you want a girl who will act in a way you deem acceptable? And don't answer both -- that's not a realistic answer right now.

 

Either way, you seem compelled to do really moronic things because you haven't listened at all in this thread. You want us to approve of your terrible methods and keep arguing for them even though they are terrible, as if you'll somehow convince us that we are wrong by continuing to repeat yourself. Plus, after reading your assessment of the relationship and how it ended, I don't even know why you want to try to get it back in the first place.

 

Anyway, if you want advice, we'll give you advice. If you want someone to agree with you even though what you are planning on doing is foolish, this isn't the place for you.

[Someone1]

That's pretty harsh man, all the advices seem the same as if nothing ells has worked in this world. I'm just looking for new perspectives that's all.

 

Our relationship might have ended very badly and wrong but I believe it can be fixed or ells I wouldn’t even try it, regarding the question on why I want her back? Well because I like her and because it feels as if there was still more to give too that relationship.

 

How am I going to get her back? I don’t know, I want to keep communication open if possible because I know she will come to resent me if I don’t talk to her. My lack of attention towards her and the relationship is what eventually lead to the break up, so how am I going to prove I care for her by going NC? That doesn’t make any sense in this case.

 

On the other side, going NC might give her time to think and realize what she has done, but I know her too well, that she would rather keep her pride then swallow it, as I have seen how she treats people that do her wrong, she basically just ignores them.

 

She even told me the story of her ex boyfriend which she was with for 5 years and engaged with in the end, how she just one day decided to break up with him because she thought he wasn’t happy. It’s kinda the same here with me, she even told me that even though I hate saying this maybe this is a good time for you to think over me as well.

 

But honestly I don’t think that might be the whole truth, maybe she is the one who wants to break up and not the other way around, I can’t tell really right now.

 

All I know is she is good at hurting the people around her that care for her and that she is typically not the one to come beg for forgiveness if it’s not In her favour.

 

So what am I going to do? I don’t know, I’m trying to figure it out whether or not she’s worth pursuing and the only way I can find that out is if I can talk to her or something. Right now this NC thing I think it’s childish and stupid, no one ever solved anything by not communicating.

 

So if you got new advice other then 99% of what's being said out there that barely work I would like to hear it. I'm looking for new perspectives.

[Someone1]

Omg we just talked again on facebook, she msged me asked me about a program I had installed on her computer and asked me if I needed it or if she could uninstall it. The convo wen't like this

 

2:03pm

"She

Yesterday something popped up on my computer were it said something about needing a permission for a file and your name was there

do you know anything about it?

 

2:05pm

Me

ehh no?

what kind of file is it?

 

2:05pm

She

No idea.

 

2:06pm

Me

what did it say?

 

2:06pm

She

I think it was something you downloaded

 

2:06pm

Me

ok?

exe file, picture or something ells?

 

2:07pm

She

could be something from filezilla

 

2:07pm

Me

oh filezilla, yeah I did download that program once, it's a ftp program

 

2:08pm

She

ok, can I remove it?

 

2:09pm

Me

If i'm never going to use your computer then...yes

 

2:09pm

She

...?

 

2:09pm

Me

i'm using it to upload files to *****

on the server

so i'll probably going to use it sometime later on, but do as you like

 

2:10pm

She

 

 

2:10pm

Me

?

 

2:10pm

She

how are you?

 

2:10pm

Me

whatsup?

I don't know (her name) it's up and down for me right now

I want to talk to you but I am afraid of it

 

2:11pm

She

I understand

but I don't know what to say to you

I don't want to hurt you

 

2:12pm

Me

it's exactly that, I don't want to take it here either

id rather meet you up if it's possible

 

2:13pm

She

I don't want to see you sad

I feel to bad then

 

2:13pm

Me

I will not be sad

 

2:14pm

She

 

 

2:14pm

Me

when are you coming?

 

2:14pm

She

tonight

 

2:14pm

Me

do you want to meet up tomorrow?

 

2:15pm

She

I don't know if I dare too

 

2:15pm

She

what are you afraid of?

 

2:15pm

She

what I am going to say, what you are going to do

 

2:16pm

Me

I will not do anything, you know that

 

2:16pm

She

you always do something

 

2:16pm

Me

you only need to say what you need to say

 

2:16pm

She

i've said what I wanted to say

 

2:17pm

Me

ok..

are you sure?

 

2:18pm

She

no how am I suppose to be sure+

it's not like I can see into the future

 

2:18pm

Me

true

but we don't have to make a big deal out of it

I just want to see you, if it's ok for you

 

2:19pm

She

no it's not ok,

 

2:19pm

Me

ok..

has something happened?

 

2:20pm

She

happened?

a lot has happaned

 

2:21pm

Me

yeah

but besides that thing on thursday

 

2:22pm

She

yes

 

2:23pm

Me

ok

like?

 

2:24pm

She

that I have been hurt

 

2:24pm

Me

 

I apologize for hurting your'e feelings...

 

2:25pm

She

it's not just you

I am sorry too

 

2:26pm

Me

I understand"

 

Then she wen't offline without reading that last msg from me to her, maybe she got overwhelmed or something?

 

I need to know what to do next? Should I meet up with her tonight, tomorrow or later on? I know last time I diden't meet up with her the same day she came back she was hurt by it, I had told her i'll meet you up tomorrow, she then said you could have at least helped me with the bags...and I was like ohh..

 

But maybe this time it's different, would it be akward If I meet up with here tonight and helped her home with the bags?

 

What should I do, it seems she dousen't know what to do or say, what should I do now?

 

It seems as if she still wants me in her life, and that it's just her feelings confusing her for the moment.

 

Should I give her time to think for herself or should I be there for her? What is best? She don't like it when i'm not there for her otherwise...

[infinitesigma]

That's pretty harsh man, all the advices seem the same as if nothing ells has worked in this world. I'm just looking for new perspectives that's all.

 

Our relationship might have ended very badly and wrong but I believe it can be fixed or ells I wouldn’t even try it, regarding the question on why I want her back? Well because I like her and because it feels as if there was still more to give too that relationship.

 

The advice you are being given comes from the experience of so many before you that have dealt or are currently dealing with a breakup. You really need to listen. We wouldn't be saying it if we didn't believe it.

 

I have gone through three major breakups in my 36 years. First one, I fought tooth and nail believing I could change her mind. If I said this, or did this, she would come around. Six months! Six months of doing so and in the end I was left with her not ever wanting to speak to me again and me wasting six months of my life on nothing positive, and worse, not healing. The other two I accepted their decision, wished them the best, and started focusing on myself from day one. It was extremely difficult to fight with my ego that I could change the situation. But I kept strong and in return I had the best reward I could imagine - I became a better person.

 

You came to us asking for advice and we have given you advice. You may not like it, but it is the best advice you will hear. Shane is right, no one else is going to agree with you because most of us have gone through and seen it all.

 

In the end, do what you feel you want to. But please do not ask us what your next move should be when the only options you WANT to hear are talk to her, meet up with her, or fight for her. Because you will not get that.

 

So when you are ready to have us help you out with the hurt and pain from this, or dealing with the aftermath of the path you are intent with staying on, then we will be here. We won't abandon you, but you have to be willing to join us.

[Shane Falco]

She doesn't want to meet with you. She said as much and then she left with the quickness without saying bye. This is precisely what everyone in this thread has been telling you -- she's not ready to talk about this and it's not going to be a positive thing for either one of you if it happens right now. She was asking "How are you?" to be polite, you shouldn't have gone into anything regarding the relationship. It's too soon. Just say "Good", "Hanging in there", etc. If you wanted give her a quick, non-threatening update "I just listened to the new album of (random band both of you like). It wasn't bad." But bringing up the relationship just killed that conversation and put it in a negative light in her perspective. She threw you a bone and you basically spit it right back in your face.

 

I'm not trying to be a d--k, it's just frustrating when someone seems so intent on doing things wrong despite good-hearted people trying to help them do things in a positive light. Please listen now and back off and if she does contact you, go slow. Don't jump right back into relationship talk. And if you are just going to do what you want to do anyway (which is apparent) don't ask for advice.

[ZhaoZilong5]

You haven't respected the fact that you are not a couple anymore and she is free to do whatever she wants. If you feel disrespected by her behavior then move on from her to someone with similar values. Don't ever tell an ex who dumped you you don't approve of their behavior because that will drive her further away.

 

You struggle to really listen to people in this thread. This may be one reason she left the relationship.

 

I'll add a different point of view. I don't think resentment always means disrespecting that the relationship is gone. In my case, I resent my ex not even as an ex, but because she wants to try and be friends with me. Friends don't hurt friends, and they sure as hell don't leave and come back when it's only convenient for them. Also, she got pissy at me because I don't want to talk to her. I respect her desires and the break-up, but I resent the fact that she's so selfish that it's all about her and her needs. Maybe it was wrong of me to point out that she wants something emotionally from me without reciprocation, but she doesn't even understand that alleviating her missing me is emotional support. Chalk it up to her being immature, and my easiest way to let out my frustration is calling her out on everything, but then I would no longer be taking the high road.

 

I don't know how such a nice and caring person can be so subconsciously "dumb" and immature. I don't like stereotypes, but holy crap, a lot of women fit the "young, stupid girl" stereotype.

[Someone1]

What am I suppose to do then? Wait? She just came and she's going back on Sunday and she might be away for a month! Should I not meet her before that?

 

What do you mean by

 

 

 

When and how did she trow me a bone?

[Shane Falco]

What am I suppose to do then? Wait? She just came and she's going back on Sunday and she might be away for a month! Should I not meet her before that?

 

What do you mean by

 

 

 

When and how did she trow me a bone?

 

She threw you a bone by talking to you over Facebook, then you ruined it by bringing up the break. And yes, you are supposed to wait. If you wait and don't hound her, then that month might actually work in your favor. Being away from you and getting a chance to decompress from the break might make her more open to trying to communicate with you when she gets back. She can't miss you if you don't step back from her life.

 

If she contacts you, go slow. Do not suggest a meeting of any sort and do not talk about the relationship and break unless she brings it up. If she doesn't contact you, let her be. But yeah, the conversation that you just had with your ex went badly. You made your position worse by going about it the way you did.

[markie6]

Ok , last shot at this one... If you undertsand that neither of you knows exactly what you want. Any arguments will push each other further away , chatting about something the other is confused about, or plain doesn't want to talk about right now, creates the possibility for another argument which hurts the situation.

 

You both feel you have disrespected each other and need some time apart to work out what you want.. both of you. You are pushing for a talk because you are impatient , you are second guessing everything ( like most do ) and it creates more confusion. Therefore in my humble opinion, time apart with no contact , could give you both time, to cool down , work out what is best for you as a couple without risking any more tension from poor communication.

 

Anything else is possible of course, everybody is different and nobody can predict the future, but I would warn you that your present attitude towards her ( dissing me.... i want to know now) and your impatience run the risk of it all imploding. I am not typing here trying to wreck your relationship , rather point you towards the possibilty that you are wrong in the assumption that nothing gets fixed without talking about it. Try not talking about it for a few weeks or whatever and see what happens. Maybe she misses you not being there , maybe you work out she isn't worth the bother... or you work out you both want to give it another chance.

 

Plan to leave each other be for a set period so you can both cool down , work out what you want. All this confusion breeds more confusion, you are pushing for an answer and she may not even know at this point what she wants, so how can she tell you now..

 

 

good luck

[Someone1]

Talk to her twice on the phone today, both times was hard, I could barely communicate with her, it was like talking to a wall.

 

Problem is, nothing is going to happen, her feelings are like dead to me, she has started to invest her feelings in a new guy, I’m just the past for her, I don't think NC will do it at all, only shot I got is if I try to say whatever I want to say now and then hell with it.

 

I'm seriously really sick of it right now. I just don't understand how a person you've been with for a 1 year can change to this cold hearted monster that acts as if you are not there and she even told me that the reason she is avoiding me is because she don't want to see me hurt or sad. I mean what kind of bull**** is that, I'm just so sick n tired of it.

 

She’s following her feelings willingly without thought, she says she can't see a future with me, it's as if the person she was for me isen't there anymore, what a load of crap this love **** is.

[Shane Falco]

Sorry man. Unfortunately this is a completely predictable and textbook reaction on her part and coming clean and saying what you have to say won't change it a bit. If anything, it'll continue to make it worse. This is why I, and many others, have tried to keep you away from doing this. Exes emotionally shut down and especially with women, feelings are what determines their behavior, not logic. You can't convince a girl that you are her best option in this state, she has to come to that decision on her own. And you continuing to communicate with her just pushes her further and further away. You wanted to learn the hard way and unfortunately, you are learning.

 

The whole deal with no contact isn't to make her see the error of her ways -- it's to prevent you from trying to save the relationship when you aren't in a state that you can do that. You are a mess mentally right now (as we all are at that stage), and they sense it. And it turns them off. I would encourage you to not come clean and spill your guts, but I doubt you'll listen to that. So I expect a similarly depressed and angry message coming soon. I feel bad for you bro, but everyone in this thread saw this coming.

[Someone1]

What a hell am I suppose to do now? I've thought about contacting that dude and telling him to back off, they are just friends but she is having feelings for him hoping he will make a move, she's going back on sunday to that town again to spend as much time as possible with him, should I meet her up before? Talk to her? She will probably be gone for at least a month if she goes now, who knows she might be away even more then that and never come back...

 

It's as if she has decided to end it without even discussing it with me, without even asking me how I feel about it, how can a person just do that to you! I'm so hurt right now, I really thought she had more dignity in her. She is too afraid to meet up because she probably don't want to face the facts of what she has done, I'm thinking I rather see her hurt by like that then to let her get away with it. So i'm thinking maybe I should plan a meet up anyways, I mean what other chance do I have anyways, it's not like she's gonna come back regretting it, not when she's like this.

 

I even told her I wanted a dignified break up where she could tell me this in person and not in a text. I mean after a year together is this all I mean to her? A breakup through a text c'mon that's some bull****!

 

She was so committed in the relationship and she wanted it soo bad! and now just turned 180 degrees how can you ever trust a person again if they can just turn their back on you completely like that.

[Shane Falco]

Do nothing. At all. Everything you have tried has been awful and made things worse. You need to stop doing anything and let things settle. And for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT CONTACT THE OTHER GUY!! That might be your worst idea yet and you've had a ton of horrible ones so far. If you tell him to back off, you are basically guaranteeing that she'll hook up with him. You might as well be giving him a condom if you do that, because she'll f--k the **** out of him to spite you for trying to meddle with her. But seriously, you need to stop making any moves for the time being. But I'm sure you won't. You feel compelled to do all this in the most awful, most painful, most destructive way possible.

[Ms Darcy]

Come on guys - quit it with the "girls are young and immature" or "women tend to shut down." Dumpers of either gender do things that you don't like, can't understand, resent. It is not just women; it's about who is ending the relationship.

[Someone1]

Do nothing. At all. Everything you have tried has been awful and made things worse. You need to stop doing anything and let things settle. And for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT CONTACT THE OTHER GUY!! That might be your worst idea yet and you've had a ton of horrible ones so far. If you tell him to back off, you are basically guaranteeing that she'll hook up with him. You might as well be giving him a condom if you do that, because she'll f--k the **** out of him to spite you for trying to meddle with her. But seriously, you need to stop making any moves for the time being. But I'm sure you won't. You feel compelled to do all this in the most awful, most painful, most destructive way possible.

 

Doing nothing at all feels like i'm handing her over to him, that I approve of this, what a hell am I suppose to do now? I can't just do nothing, she's going back on sunday and who knows when she will be back, she made her "in a relationship status unvisible" yesterday and that son of a ***** wrote a msg to her wall saying "even thought we are going to see each other soon, I miss you my dear friend (her name)"

 

She wrote back: "even though I'm not with you I need my coffee, do you know how hard that is?"

 

And then the conversation continued, I'm seriously in a revenge mode right now, I mean I got enough dirt on her to mess up her whole life if I wanted to.

 

She won't even meet me because she can't face the fact that she has hurt me! What kind of coward is that! I need to talk to her so I can get a closure, I need to ask her a couple of questions. She also said she diden't want to meet me up because she diden't want to make all of this more complicated.

 

She also told yesterday on the phone that she mentally had broken up with me on saturday almost a week before the actual break up on thursday. And she blames mostly everthing on that day when I came over to threaten that guy, thats total bs because that's just pretext from her side.

 

I don't know how to get through this seriously, she was my first real relationship and she just messed up my life routines, I can't eat, sleep, work, study good enough.

[Ms Darcy]

Closure comes from within.

[Capricorn3]

she has started to invest her feelings in a new guy, I’m just the past for her,

 

she says she can't see a future with me

^^ There's your answer right there. That's all you need to know. Read it. Take it in. Absorb it. Leave her alone.

[Someone1]

^^ There's your answer right there. That's all you need to know. Read it. Take it in. Absorb it. Leave her alone.

 

I can't, I just can't believe it, it's too unreal for me, I don't honestly think she really feels that way.

[infinitesigma]

I can't, I just can't believe it, it's too unreal for me, I don't honestly think she really feels that way.

 

Sorry mate, but honestly it really does not matter what you think. This is what she verbally said to you. Accept it and move on.

 

One more thing, you have no control over her, period. So please get whatever thoughts about her and the guy out of your heard. I, we, understand you are angry and hurt. But your thought process about the other guy is unhealthy and threatening.

 

For a minute, put yourself in her shoes. Would you want to be with a guy who doesn't respect what you say, is controlling and threatening?

 

Leave her be and do not contact her for any reason. Take the full ending of you two day by day. If you start to feel negative emotions, write in a journal (this helped me out so much) or tell us (there is a thread over on healing to do just that). Start doing positive activities in your life - reconnect with friends, start a new hobby, take some community classes.

 

Breath and realize it WILL get better. Today is the start.

[FrenchFries]

You acted like you weren't interested in committing to her while you were together, and now that she's dumped you and is moving on, you have realized it was wrong, so now she should just open up her heart, and meet up with you and give you another chance? She doesn't want to...and you can't and shouldn't try to force it. Accept that it's over, learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them again. Her feelings died over time and you were partly responsible for that. She probably doesn't want you dumping a bunch of guilt on her. There's no reason to meet up with someone you've dumped when you have no desire to reconcile. Now you want to try to ruin her life just because she doesn't want to be with you anymore. It won't work, and will only make her resent you even more.

[Someone1]

I screwed it up badly,I wen’t to the hospital to get some help because I was really feeling anxiety attacks over the fact that she had let me go just like that, I told her I was at the hospitol and I needed her she still ignored me, I wen't home, as the evening came, I got more anxiety attacks I was talking to her on the phone she was cold to me and still diden’t want to meet up, the conversations got so intense and at one point I started hyperventilating I felt numb in my whole body, couldn’t move, she still didn’t care, I then told her I would kill myself and see if she would still care, she got worried and called 911, all I needed was for her to meet me up and talk. They came looking for me all over the place, everyone got worried, the cops then did a search for me in the area and they found me walking on the sideways and pulled me over talked to me, were very helpful and drove me to the hospital, I talked to the doctor, got some sleeping pills and then they sent me home.

 

And now I’m here all screwed up still with anxiety and feeling worse then ever…worst part is she and her mother blames me for making her feel bad by threatening to kill myself, not giving a single **** how I actually feel and why I went that far, I was close to kill myself if I had a easy way out.

 

She also told me that she unfriended me on facebook because I said she was evil because she didn’t care about me at all. Everything just pointed at me as If I am the villain here and she is the victim when she in fact drove me to feel this way simply by ignoring me this bad.

 

Right now I’m really depressed and I really feel there is no hope in life at all, seriously if I had an easy way out like a gun I would kill myself.

 

You might wonder why I feel this way? Well because my life was hectic, had a busy schedule to keep up with, then she breaks up with me out of the blue which came unexpected and just drove me over the edge, what made things worse was that the break up was bad and she never gave me chance to meet her and talk to her after so I could vent out, I feel so lost right now, I just want to meet her and talk to her. I seriously don’t know what I should do, I have a hard time letting go of her, I didn’t know she meant that much for me, I never knew I would feel this strongly about her.

[markie6]

Hey man, no need to think you are alone or things are that bad. Like you I was done out of the blue ( loads of us have similar experiences ) ..as for Facebook, well it's more of a hindrance at times like this , best to try and do without it if you find it hurts to look at stuff.

 

Many times we are forced to accept we didn't know what we had until it isn't there , which was part of the reason we were trying to get you to pull back. You need to heal up now, concentrate on good friends, family , hobbies and exercise and try and settle yourself down. Write here , about your thoughts ...what you are doing.... what you think would be a good plan for the future, just try your best no to drive yourself round the bend.

 

we're here , you are not alone and even if you can't see it right now , the world is a better place with you in it...