When should I contact her?

[Someone1]

Well she is going to whether you like it or not. Dumper can always see the dumpees cards, because they dealt them

 

She dumped me because she was afraid I was going to dump her first, I think that is where it all is set. Because I have not been all happy with her behaviours lately and she kind of saw it coming so she did it instead out of fear and insecurity. That is why I think she regrets it and that is why I can't go NC on her because she will only think I never cared and it will only make things worse.

 

Another thing is, she told me, this might be a good opportunity for you to figure if you want me as well. Because she felt I wasen't 100% satisfied with her all the time.

 

Geesh this relationship sounds crazy now that I write it out.

[Vegetable]

So basically whenever a couple has disagreements and problems, they need to go NC and forget about each other and find someone new? Not work it out? Is that what you are saying?

 

Plus by showing I am not ok with something only shows I am a man of value and not someone she can just play around with, women don't even like those type of men without boundaries and set of values.

 

You are not a couple. THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE. You're broken up, you're not together. She's gone to another town. She dumped you, so the ball is on her court. You don't run to her side of the court and take the ball just because you think it's your turn and not hers.

 

What you are showing her is that you're desperate and that your ego is extremely high. She already knows you disagree with her behaviour, reason why she broke up with you. You don't need to keep reminding her. You're only making her angrier with you and she's probably very stressed at this point.

 

Leave her alone. Move on.

[Shane Falco]

This wasen't our first exchange after the break up, I talked to her last time on Tuesday when she was going to that town on the train, I cried on the phone, spilled my guts and told her how much I loved her.

 

So this was the second time we talked.

 

That didn't help either. I don't mean to seem mean because I realize you are going through a tough time -- we've all been there which is why we are on this site -- but you are really doing yourself zero favors right now.

[Someone1]

You are not a couple. THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE. You're broken up, you're not together. She's gone to another town. She dumped you, so the ball is on her court. You don't run to her side of the court and take the ball just because you think it's your turn and not hers.

 

What you are showing her is that you're desperate and that your ego is extremely high. She already knows you disagree with her behaviour, reason why she broke up with you. You don't need to keep reminding her. You're only making her angrier with you and she's probably very stressed at this point.

 

Leave her alone. Move on.

 

She is confused, I will giver her time, but If I go NC on her I am sure she is not going to like it.

 

I don't see the benefits of going total NC on her.

[Shane Falco]

So basically whenever a couple has disagreements and problems, they need to go NC and forget about each other and find someone new? Not work it out? Is that what you are saying?

 

Plus by showing I am not ok with something only shows I am a man of value and not someone she can just play around with, women don't even like those type of men without boundaries and set of values.

 

You are displaying no value right now. And this wasn't a fight, this was a breakup. She broke up with you. There's a difference.

[Someone1]

That didn't help either. I don't mean to seem mean because I realize you are going through a tough time -- we've all been there which is why we are on this site -- but you are really doing yourself zero favors right now.

 

You know what, I think it helps, because then she knows how I truly feel about her and not go and assume I never cared as in which it was the reason she broke up with me in the first place.

[Vegetable]

She is confused, I will giver her time, but If I go NC on her I am sure she is not going to like it.

 

I don't see the benefits of going total NC on her.

 

Yeah, I was in denial a week ago after my boyfriend broke up with me too.

 

All of us think that NC will not help. But it does. If she's gone to another town I think it's because she needs time and space for herself.

 

And you're missing the point here. She's the one who has to choose to talk to you, not the other way around. If she contacts you then reply to her. And stop being so stubborn. If you can't accept how she is really just move on. Don't try to change her behaviour, it doesn't work that way.

[Someone1]

You are displaying no value right now. And this wasn't a fight, this was a breakup. She broke up with you. There's a difference.

 

She probably regrets it, if it truly was a break up she would have changed her facebook status to single, forgot about me completely and never talked to me again.

[Vegetable]

She probably regrets it, if it truly was a break up she would have changed her facebook status to single, forgot about me completely and never talked to me again.

 

Let's see. What's truly real? Her leaving somewhere else or her.......... not changing a status on a website? It's true, you're broken up.

[Someone1]

Yeah, I was in denial a week ago after my boyfriend broke up with me too.

 

All of us think that NC will not help. But it does. If she's gone to another town I think it's because she needs time and space for herself.

 

And you're missing the point here. She's the one who has to choose to talk to you, not the other way around. If she contacts you then reply to her. And stop being so stubborn. If you can't accept how she is really just move on. Don't try to change her behaviour, it doesn't work that way.

 

I'm not going to be stubborn, I am going to have my values and if she don't want to respect them she dousen't have to be with me, it's as simple as that.

 

If she contacts me I will talkt to her normally, if she don't I might not talk to her, I don't know we'll see.

[Shane Falco]

You know what, I think it helps, because then she knows how I truly feel about her and not go and assume I never cared as in which it was the reason she broke up with me in the first place.

 

It doesn't. At all. Not only are you digging yourself a bigger hole, but you are shoveling the dirt onto your head at the same time. I've tried what you are doing right now (well, without the crying) and it completely nuked any chance I've had at a reconciliation. This doesn't work. Get the romantic comedy stuff out of your head, it doesn't apply to real life.

[Vegetable]

I'm not going to be stubborn, I am going to have my values and if she don't want to respect them she dousen't have to be with me, it's as simple as that.

 

If she contacts me I will talkt to her normally, if she don't I might not talk to her, I don't know we'll see.

 

I think you know she's not going to respect them. Hence why she left with people she knows you dont like.

[Shane Falco]

She probably regrets it, if it truly was a break up she would have changed her facebook status to single, forgot about me completely and never talked to me again.

 

If you keep going like this, the only thing she is going to regret is spending as much time as she did with you. Please stop with this. I'm sure she has doubts, all dumpers do to some extent, but the way you are acting is not going to help you convince her that those doubts are real. Right now she's looking for confirmation that she did the right thing and everything you do she'll spin as confirmation that she made the right choice. If you do nothing and let her be, she can't do that.

[Someone1]

Let's see. What's truly real? Her leaving somewhere else or her.......... not changing a status on a website? It's true, you're broken up.

 

The only reason she was in this town was because of me, she hates the capitol city, that other town was a magnet for her, so as soon as it got bad between us her first reaction was of course to go away there and try to sort it out for herself.

 

Before we were breaking up when she was confused and crying because she diden't know what to do, she feelt split and nedeed time, I asked her, are we still together? She said we are or else I woulden't have my facebook status. So to her it means a lot to have it, maybe as a security that she can try to come back to me if she decides to.

[Someone1]

If you keep going like this, the only thing she is going to regret is spending as much time as she did with you. Please stop with this. I'm sure she has doubts, all dumpers do to some extent, but the way you are acting is not going to help you convince her that those doubts are real. Right now she's looking for confirmation that she did the right thing and everything you do she'll spin as confirmation that she made the right choice. If you do nothing and let her be, she can't do that.

 

How do I let her be? What do I do when she contacts me then? Not reply?

[Someone1]

I think you know she's not going to respect them. Hence why she left with people she knows you dont like.

 

True, and that is the reason why I am mad and will not show her I am okay with it.

[Shane Falco]

The only reason she was in this town was because of me, she hates the capitol city, that other town was a magnet for her, so as soon as it got bad between us her first reaction was of course to go away there and try to sort it out for herself.

 

Before we were breaking up when she was confused and crying because she diden't know what to do, she feelt split and nedeed time, I asked her, are we still together? She said we are or else I woulden't have my facebook status. So to her it means a lot to have it, maybe as a security that she can try to come back to me if she decides to.

 

a) she can't sort if you don't let her sort

b) she is basically saying that if everything else doesn't work out, then maybe she'll come back to you. That's not exactly a ringing endorsement.

[Shane Falco]

How do I let her be? What do I do when she contacts me then? Not reply?

 

If she contacts you then talk to her. But the last conversation you had you initiated. If she wants to talk, talk, but don't spill your guts and don't sell her on coming back to you. Just get over yourself and be friendly to her.

[Vegetable]

The only reason she was in this town was because of me, she hates the capitol city, that other town was a magnet for her, so as soon as it got bad between us her first reaction was of course to go away there and try to sort it out for herself.

 

Before we were breaking up when she was confused and crying because she diden't know what to do, she feelt split and nedeed time, I asked her, are we still together? She said we are or else I woulden't have my facebook status. So to her it means a lot to have it, maybe as a security that she can try to come back to me if she decides to.

 

Then do what you think it's best.

 

Personally I don't think it's a good idea to keep bothering her. But finally, you're the one who will choose what to do regardless of all the things we're telling you.

 

Good luck and I really hope you think through the things Shane and I have told you. You're not helping yourself if you keep doing what you're doing.

[Someone1]

a) she can't sort if you don't let her sort

b) she is basically saying that if everything else doesn't work out, then maybe she'll come back to you. That's not exactly a ringing endorsement.

 

Well should I just diss her completely then? Because she did what she did, disrespected my wishes and wen't there anyways? Or should I try to be forgiving if she can realize her misstake, and that the only time she can be with me again is if she respects my limits.

[Someone1]

Then do what you think it's best.

 

Personally I don't think it's a good idea to keep bothering her. But finally, you're the one who will choose what to do regardless of all the things we're telling you.

 

Good luck and I really hope you think through the things Shane and I have told you. You're not helping yourself if you keep doing what you're doing.

 

Thanks I appreciate it, I will probably not contact her, problem is if she does start to contact me...what should I do then?

[Vegetable]

Thanks I appreciate it, I will probably not contact her, problem is if she does start to contact me...what should I do then?

 

As it's been already told, you reply to her. As a normal human being. Not as the ex boyfriend who is hurt and upset cause you can't accept her.

[Someone1]

If she contacts you then talk to her. But the last conversation you had you initiated. If she wants to talk, talk, but don't spill your guts and don't sell her on coming back to you. Just get over yourself and be friendly to her.

 

Cool that makes sense.

[Shane Falco]

Well should I just diss her completely then? Because she did what she did, disrespected my wishes and wen't there anyways? Or should I try to be forgiving if she can realize her misstake, and that the only time she can be with me again is if she respects my limits.

 

Well, what's more important, being with her or your limits? All we are saying is do not pursue, do not send her "Hey, how's it going" texts, do not cry and try to win her back. When she initiates, you can respond if you want, but under no circumstances at this point should you be initiating conversation or appealing to her to give you another chance. It's up to her to introduce those topics.

[Someone1]

As it's been already told, you reply to her. As a normal human being. Not as the ex boyfriend who is hurt and upset cause you can't accept her.

 

And what will happen from there on?