When should I contact her?

[Someone1]

Give her time for herself. If you're still there she won't be able to think things through and see whether she wants you or not.

 

If you say you are working on yourself then do so. I know it's hard, I'm going through the same. The more you back off the better though. Don't over analyze things, this will not let you move on as you should. Just keep yourself busy with other things.

 

Also, in my opinion, talking to other girls or flirting in your state is not a good idea. Eventually you'll end up missing her more. Start going out with other girls or meeting new girls when you're feeling better with yourself. It's not fair for you nor them.

 

I'm just trying to keep our communication open, I don't want her to hate me for not being there for her, I'm trying to make her feel me again as she did before we broke up, what she liked about me was that I cared about her in fact.

 

I'm just trying to re-establish our bond and it must start by communication, I can't go NC on her she will think I'm dissing her, it would only end bad.

 

And i'm working on myself, i'm trying to improve my life so that I can be a better man for any women out there, and I have to sharpen my social skills with girls that is why i am talking to them, I can't just "wait" and then nothing happens and i'm left there as a fool all alone.

 

Fair or not fair, she hasen't been fair either, hanging out with guy friends when she knows I don't like it.

[Someone1]

Replying "mmm" translates to "I don't care" or "I don't know what else to say, but I'm just gonna say something just because". If you don't wanna come off as needy you should've asked why is it not fun or something.

 

Well then we would go right back into the problem again and start disagreeing, i'm trying to avoid the problem and create solutions, look forward instead of backwards. I don't want her to associate problems with me when she talks to me.

 

But I must still show I am not okay with such behaviours or ells she will lose respect for me for not standing up for what's wrong.

[Vegetable]

I'm just trying to keep our communication open, I don't want her to hate me for not being there for her, I'm trying to make her feel me again as she did before we broke up, what she liked about me was that I cared about her in fact.

 

I'm just trying to re-establish our bond and it must start by communication, I can't go NC on her she will think I'm dissing her, it would only end bad.

 

And i'm working on myself, i'm trying to improve my life so that I can be a better man for any women out there, and I have to sharpen my social skills with girls that is why i am talking to them, I can't just "wait" and then nothing happens and i'm left there as a fool all alone.

 

You're very confused.

 

What do you want? Do you want to be her friend? Do you want to get back together? You're not together anymore, and by talking to her as if nothing happened you're making things worse. If you keep being her shoulder to cry on the only one that's gonna end up hurt is YOU. Because she will have support, while you're there wanting her and all that. She will move on and you won't.

 

I understand you want to improve your social skills, there's nothing wrong with that. But you haven't moved on, and you still want her. You have to be genuine, you can't start going out with other people so that you don't end up alone. As a matter of fact, a time for yourself is what you may need.

[markie6]

Fair or not fair, she hasen't been fair either, hanging out with guy friends when she knows I don't like it.

 

you are split up ? she did dump you for not being interested enough in her ?

 

go easy on the communication , until she says otherwise you are a reminder of the unhappiness she experienced. If you push too far...she will go the other way and you want to be mirroring her contact

[Vegetable]

Well then we would go right back into the problem again and start disagreeing, i'm trying to avoid the problem and create solutions, look forward instead of backwards. I don't want her to associate problems with me when she talks to me.

 

But I must still show I am not okay with such behaviours or ells she will lose respect for me for not standing up for what's wrong.

 

I know you want to solve things. Believe me, I'm on the same boat right now. Tell her she can count on you whenever she wants to talk. Let HER choose when to talk to you. There's nothing else you can do at this point if you don't want to ruin things. If you keep trying to talk to her, talking about her problems you're going to stress her even more. Let her be. She will come back if she wants to, that's not a decision for you to make.

[Someone1]

You're very confused.

 

What do you want? Do you want to be her friend? Do you want to get back together? You're not together anymore, and by talking to her as if nothing happened you're making things worse. If you keep being her shoulder to cry on the only one that's gonna end up hurt is YOU. Because she will have support, while you're there wanting her and all that. She will move on and you won't.

 

I understand you want to improve your social skills, there's nothing wrong with that. But you haven't moved on, and you still want her. You have to be genuine, you can't start going out with other people so that you don't end up alone. As a matter of fact, a time for yourself is what you may need.

 

It's not easy, and yes I want her back! But I can't force her back! She must come by herself, all I can do is show myself to her and be there and if nothing works out then I'll find someone ells.

 

I know what you are saying about working on yourself, so that means I should not talk to any girls at all? What kind of help would that be?

[Someone1]

you are split up ? she did dump you for not being interested enough in her ?

 

go easy on the communication , until she says otherwise you are a reminder of the unhappiness she experienced. If you push too far...she will go the other way and you want to be mirroring her contact

 

She did dump me for stupid reasons, she needed to follow her feelings and by that she moved from town to her favourite town with her girl friend and that male best friend which is the reason for our break up, because I diden't like them hanging out.

 

She feelt as If I diden't appreciate her enough, well maybe I did some misstakes, but she also wanted a lot from me.

 

And exactly that is why i am going to go very easy on the communication until she wants to talk more.

[Vegetable]

It's not easy, and yes I want her back! But I can't force her back! She must come by herself, all I can do is show myself to here and be there and if nothing works out then I'll find someone ells.

 

I know what you are saying about working on yourself, so that means I should not talk to any girls at all? What kind of help would that be?

 

Yeah, you can't force her back, and by being there asking her how's she's doing, trying to stay in touch you are not helping the situation at all. As I already said, offer your help so she can choose when to come to you. She will make the decision to talk, not you.

 

There's nothing wrong with talking to other girls... For the sake of talking. Not because you're scared you'll end up being alone and hoping you'll fall for one of them or something. Don't fool yourself.

[Shane Falco]

No, that exchange didn't help at all. It more than likely hurt you. She went offline probably because having that particular conversation pissed her off. You need to let her be for the time being. Don't talk to her at all. Let her process her feelings without getting pressure from you. And any communication from you right now is pressure. If you keep stubbornly trying to do this this way it's going to end badly for you.

[Someone1]

I know you want to solve things. Believe me, I'm on the same boat right now. Tell her she can count on you whenever she wants to talk. Let HER choose when to talk to you. There's nothing else you can do at this point if you don't want to ruin things. If you keep trying to talk to her, talking about her problems you're going to stress her even more. Let her be. She will come back if she wants to, that's not a decision for you to make.

 

Well she was the one that communicated with me? Okay maybe after I sent that message, at the same time, I can't go NC and then take her back, it will only show how weak I am, so it's either that or keep communication open and show her I am not that satisfied with her behaviour but I can accept the fact that she can make her own choices in life and that she is free to cross any boundaries she likes but that she won’t get my approval then.

[Someone1]

Yeah, you can't force her back, and by being there asking her how's she's doing, trying to stay in touch you are not helping the situation at all. As I already said, offer your help so she can choose when to come to you. She will make the decision to talk, not you.

 

There's nothing wrong with talking to other girls... For the sake of talking. Not because you're scared you'll end up being alone and hoping you'll fall for one of them or something. Don't fool yourself.

 

Okay i'm not fooling myself, I just want to talk, if that is fine, because i'm getting pissed off of the fact that I can't have female friend while she can have male friends.

 

And this is also for a reason, because I don't actually believe male and females can be friends and she knows that, I told her what I thought about it, so she is worried when I have female friends.

[Someone1]

No, that exchange didn't help at all. It more than likely hurt you. She went offline probably because having that particular conversation pissed her off. You need to let her be for the time being. Don't talk to her at all. Let her process her feelings without getting pressure from you. And any communication from you right now is pressure. If you keep stubbornly trying to do this this way it's going to end badly for you.

 

I'm not going to try anything other then what seems reasonable, It was ok for me to show her I still care, so she woulden't think I have given up or is that a good thing?

[Vegetable]

Well she was the one that communicated with me? Okay maybe after I sent that message, at the same time, I can't go NC and then take her back, it will only show how weak I am, so it's either that or keep communication open and show her I am not that satisfied with her behaviour but I can accept the fact that she can make her own choices in life and that she is free to cross any boundaries she likes but that she won’t get my approval then.

 

You need to get over yourself. You realize that the reason she broke up with you is the very same thing you're doing right now.... Right? If you want to fix things, accept her as she is. You want her to change? You want her to be a better person? Ok, this has to be a decision she makes on her own. And you can't make any influence on that.

 

You can't accept it? You don't give her your approval? Move on then, she's not for you.

 

Once again, leave her alone and let her know she can talk to you whenever she wants. But if you don't plan on changing yourself for good then really don't even bother. Find a girl that meets the requirements you are looking for.

[Shane Falco]

I'm not going to try anything other then what seems reasonable, It was ok for me to show her I still care, so she woulden't think I have given up or is that a good thing?

 

It was not a good thing at all. If you want to show you care, respect her boundaries and back off completely. That first exchange was bad. If you keep going right now, it's not going to get better. Nothing you say right now will come off in your favor. You could call her the best person in the world and she'd think you were an a-hole right now.

[Shane Falco]

You need to get over yourself. You realize that the reason she broke up with you is the very same thing you're doing right now.... Right? If you want to fix things, accept her as she is. You want her to change? You want her to be a better person? Ok, this has to be a decision she makes on her own. And you can't make any influence on that.

 

You can't accept it? You don't give her your approval? Move on then, she's not for you.

 

Once again, leave her alone and let her know she can talk to you whenever she wants. But if you don't plan on changing yourself for good then really don't even bother. Find a girl that meets the requirements you are looking for.

 

Exactly. This guy just doesn't get it.

[markie6]

When tensions are high.... reduce the chances of more tension... if she calls ..reply.. but every time you push her to talk... it runs the risk of pushing her further away. She holds all the cards , if your pride and ego are giving you problems with how she is behaving and you want her back, it's going to be on her terms.

 

So reply, keep it light, if she brings stuff up, that's ok, but don't run the risk talking about what you want...because if she doesn't want to, the conversation will end .. abruptly

[Someone1]

You need to get over yourself. You realize that the reason she broke up with you is the very same thing you're doing right now.... Right? If you want to fix things, accept her as she is. You want her to change? You want her to be a better person? Ok, this has to be a decision she makes on her own. And you can't make any influence on that.

 

You can't accept it? You don't give her your approval? Move on then, she's not for you.

 

Once again, leave her alone and let her know she can talk to you whenever she wants. But if you don't plan on changing yourself for good then really don't even bother. Find a girl that meets the requirements you are looking for.

 

I am afraid that if a say, that she can talk to me whenever she wants and that I am ok with her behaviour, she will take me for granted and to anything because she thinks I will always be there for her no matter what, and that is not the truth! I won't be there for her if she disrespects me and hurts me, she must know where I stand, I can't tell her something is ok when it's not, i'm not being honest with myself then.

[Someone1]

It was not a good thing at all. If you want to show you care, respect her boundaries and back off completely. That first exchange was bad. If you keep going right now, it's not going to get better. Nothing you say right now will come off in your favor. You could call her the best person in the world and she'd think you were an a-hole right now.

 

This wasen't our first exchange after the break up, I talked to her last time on Tuesday when she was going to that town on the train, I cried on the phone, spilled my guts and told her how much I loved her.

 

So this was the second time we talked.

[Vegetable]

I am afraid that if a say, that she can talk to me whenever she wants and that I am ok with her behaviour, she will take me for granted and to anything because she thinks I will always be there for her no matter what, and that is not the truth! I won't be there for her if she disrespects me and hurts me, she must know where I stand, I can't tell her something is ok when it's not, i'm not being honest with myself then.

 

You just found the solution for your problem yourself. She left you, she went away. She's the person she is. You're the person you are. Obviously, it's not working out. You can't change her. Please understand this.

 

If she wants you back she will go back to you. Don't talk to her again unless she talks to you and wants to fix things. This is her decision, not yours!!!!!

[Someone1]

You need to get over yourself. You realize that the reason she broke up with you is the very same thing you're doing right now.... Right? If you want to fix things, accept her as she is. You want her to change? You want her to be a better person? Ok, this has to be a decision she makes on her own. And you can't make any influence on that.

 

You can't accept it? You don't give her your approval? Move on then, she's not for you.

 

Once again, leave her alone and let her know she can talk to you whenever she wants. But if you don't plan on changing yourself for good then really don't even bother. Find a girl that meets the requirements you are looking for.

 

Yeah I realize it's the same reason, I am going to be the better person and if she don't want to be with me fine, i'll find someone ells.

 

And it's not easy to find a girl that you like so much.

[Someone1]

You just found the solution for your problem yourself. She left you, she went away. She's the person she is. You're the person you are. Obviously, it's not working out. You can't change her. Please understand this.

 

If she wants you back she will go back to you. Don't talk to her again unless she talks to you and wants to fix things. This is her decision, not yours!!!!!

 

What a hell? I'm not trying to change her and how is NC going to help?

[Someone1]

When tensions are high.... reduce the chances of more tension... if she calls ..reply.. but every time you push her to talk... it runs the risk of pushing her further away. She holds all the cards , if your pride and ego are giving you problems with how she is behaving and you want her back, it's going to be on her terms.

 

So reply, keep it light, if she brings stuff up, that's ok, but don't run the risk talking about what you want...because if she doesn't want to, the conversation will end .. abruptly

 

Exactly and that is why I am trying to keep the conversations light and that is why I won't give away to much about how I feel and what I am doing. She has to deserve it back, I gotta set it equal, she can't have all the cards and play me off like that.

[Vegetable]

What a hell? I'm not trying to change her and how is NC going to help?

 

By telling her "I disagree with your behaviour" you are sending a signal that means I want you to change. She won't.

 

NC will help because you need to heal. She needs to heal. The time apart will make her see whether she's done the right thing or not. If you are there after her, she won't miss you. She won't value you and what you had. Leave her alone and you will find your answers. You will hopefully get better, and find someone else. Probably she will too.

[markie6]

Well she is going to whether you like it or not. Dumper can always see the dumpees cards, because they dealt them and that is why I am trying to keep the conversations light and that is why I won't give away to much about how I feel and what I am doing. She has to deserve it back, I gotta set it equal, she can't have all the cards and play me off like that.

[Someone1]

By telling her "I disagree with your behaviour" you are sending a signal that means I want you to change. She won't.

 

NC will help because you need to heal. She needs to heal. The time apart will make her see whether she's done the right thing or not. If you are there after her, she won't miss you. She won't value you and what you had. Leave her alone and you will find your answers. You will hopefully get better, and find someone else. Probably she will too.

 

So basically whenever a couple has disagreements and problems, they need to go NC and forget about each other and find someone new? Not work it out? Is that what you are saying?

 

Plus by showing I am not ok with something only shows I am a man of value and not someone she can just play around with, women don't even like those type of men without boundaries and set of values.