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When should I contact her?


Someone1

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To make a long story short

 

In the beginning she is crazy in love with me

After 7 months she starts to loss interest because I don't appreciate her enough

After 1 year she dumps me (because of insecurity and fear)

She then still keeps the relationship status unchanged on facebook

But after a week plays the jealousy game on me by hanging out with the guy I hate most and that is the big reason for our break-up. (she knows I don't like her hanging with him because I know she likes him a lot)

 

 

What I think has happened here:

She has over time, lost interest because of my not giving her enough, she even told me that that, and some of it is true, she could ask me things like hey babe would you like to have an extra key to my apartment and I would respond naw that’s cool for now, I was a bit scared to commit myself to her completely and she felt as if I was dissing her. And I think that disinterest in here grew to the point where she just couldn’t take it anymore and this is the reason why she is dissing me. Now afterwards I realize it and miss her a lot.

 

And here jealousy games action could be the reason for my NC she is trying to get a reaction from me, I really want to respond to her, call her up and talk to her, but I am to scared it might push here away since she said she needed some space. So I’m really confused.

 

I think these jelousy games comes from a point of insecurity and fear, she knows what she did is wrong and she still has strong feelings for me therefore she is trying to provoke me. Because if she diden’t care she woulden’t do it right?

 

So how would I contact her?

 

Question

I need to figure out how to approach her without scaring her off and show here that I still care.

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I can't lie....It would have hurt me too if i offered my boyfriend a key to my place and he turned it down. Yeah! That would sting a little.

 

After only 7 months you started appreciating her less? That's a pretty quick turnaround.

 

So she dumped you out of insecurity and fear. She felt that you weren't giving her enough.

 

Has that changed? Would you give her more in the relationship should she say yes and decide to try again?......because there would be no point in asking her back if you don't make the effort in giving her what she wants.

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I can't lie....It would have hurt me too if i offered my boyfriend a key to my place and he turned it down. Yeah! That would sting a little.

 

After only 7 months you started appreciating her less? That's a pretty quick turnaround.

 

So she dumped you out of insecurity and fear. She felt that you weren't giving her enough.

 

Has that changed? Would you give her more in the relationship should she say yes and decide to try again?......because there would be no point in asking her back if you don't make the effort in giving her what she wants.

 

Yes I have changed I want to prove myself but she won't give it a chance! She says the relationship is destroyed I say no babe just give it a chance let me prove to you that I can do it, and if I can't then feel free to leave.

 

She then said that she didn’t wanted me to have hope because it would feel like a lie for her if she told me that there was still hope left for us. I kept talking to her apologized cried, I spilled my guts over the phone for 2 hours, she was stone cold, monotone voice, but still wanted to talk to me, because every time the phone would hang up because of the network since she was on a train, she would call back immediately after a while her voice softened but she never changed her mind about it...anyways at the end of the convo I hade to leave so asked her can I call you back later? she sad no, I was like ok, I'll hear from you later then maybe...click I hang up.

 

Now today after that call and that was 3 days ago I texted her "Hi how are you?" and she hasn’t replied yet and that was 3 hours ago.

 

I'm thinking of calling her, but I am afraid it will only push her away, I am also thinking of talking to her sister and parents just to see how she really is but she blamed me last time for doing so.

 

What should I do? :s I really love this girl I want to show her I still care without pushing her away. And having NC is not going to help since we would never go a day without talking to each other, it would only send the signals that I am dissing her, which is not true.

 

When I asked her how she could “make me from everything to nothing to her” she was quite and then said It’s not like that. So clearly I must still mean something, she is dissing me because she has feelings for me, but how can I reach her?

 

Giving her time which she says she wants is contradictory because she will probably then feel as if I don’t care.

 

What options do I have left here?

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at this point there is nothing you can say or do to get her back.. i know you feel like you want her back and you have to do something asap before shes gone for sure.. but if you keep contacting her you will only push her away, give her time to figure things out and show her you can be fine with out her... and she will wonder if you have moved on and she will miss you, she wont miss you if your always there for her, give her space.

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at this point there is nothing you can say or do to get her back.. i know you feel like you want her back and you have to do something asap before shes gone for sure.. but if you keep contacting her you will only push her away, give her time to figure things out and show her you can be fine with out her... and she will wonder if you have moved on and she will miss you, she wont miss you if your always there for her, give her space.

 

Please consider this seriously. You are doing nothing to help yourself by continuing on the path you are. I know you feel helpless and with that comes panic. Panic is your ego saying you are losing control and need to step in to control the situation. This is when a few learn the hard way that it is the wrong thing to do.

 

Read this thread. It is probably one of the best advice threads in this forum -

 

For now, breath, go NC and start working on yourself.

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at this point there is nothing you can say or do to get her back.. i know you feel like you want her back and you have to do something asap before shes gone for sure.. but if you keep contacting her you will only push her away, give her time to figure things out and show her you can be fine with out her... and she will wonder if you have moved on and she will miss you, she wont miss you if your always there for her, give her space.

 

But I believe she wants me to contact her, she has always been the one to reach out to me every time to make sure I was there for her and I admit sometimes it was too much. So by not contacting it would probably make things worse because she might think I don’t care for her enough.

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The others have given you good advice, now you might think its wrong and you know her best but have a good think before doing anything. You have looked at the mistake you made while you were together and are now trying to change. It's up to her who she spends her time with and whether you get another chance.

 

It seems counter intuitive to you to leave her alone but it's not. She wasn't happy and ended it. If she wants you back or to see if you have learned your lesson , she will be in touch with you.

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But I believe she wants me to contact her, she has always been the one to reach out to me every time to make sure I was there for her and I admit sometimes it was too much. So by not contacting it would probably make things worse because she might think I don’t care for her enough.

 

One thousand times no to this thought process. This is literally the worst thought process you could have short of being a stalkerazzi. Right now she has herself convinced that not being with you is the only answer and nothing you say or do can convince her otherwise. In fact, it can only dig your hole deeper. You need to back off, let things settle and let her move past the ugly end to your relationship. Once she does that, she'll be more likely to think about the good parts of your relationship, more likely to wonder what you are up to because you haven't been in contact and more likely to eventually send out a feeler and contact you. But your current impulses, while they seem logically like they are the better solution, are not at all. You are basically throwing a lit match into a vat of kerosene if you follow through with what you want to do.

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crazy in love with me

loss interest because I don't appreciate her enough

she dumps me (because of insecurity and fear)

plays the jealousy game on me

my not giving her enough

scared to commit myself to her

felt as if I was dissing her

she just couldn’t take it anymore

she said she needed some space

So I’m really confused.

jelousy games comes from a point of insecurity and fear

 

To me those are all symptoms of a bad relationship.

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The others have given you good advice, now you might think its wrong and you know her best but have a good think before doing anything. You have looked at the mistake you made while you were together and are now trying to change. It's up to her who she spends her time with and whether you get another chance.

 

It seems counter intuitive to you to leave her alone but it's not. She wasn't happy and ended it. If she wants you back or to see if you have learned your lesson , she will be in touch with you.

 

I diden't get in love with her by falling out of love with her so of course it is counter intuitive. But has any if such advice ever worked? What goes on in the mind of the dumper?

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Well what led her to believe it was a good choice was me not playing my part so well in the relationship, she even told me that "you just don't have a relationship you work for it." So that means if I go NC on her she will probably think I never loved her since she already was insecure about weither or not I loved her to begin with, does that make sense?

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crazy in love with me

loss interest because I don't appreciate her enough

she dumps me (because of insecurity and fear)

plays the jealousy game on me

my not giving her enough

scared to commit myself to her

felt as if I was dissing her

she just couldn’t take it anymore

she said she needed some space

So I’m really confused.

jelousy games comes from a point of insecurity and fear

 

To me those are all symptoms of a bad relationship.

 

Yeah well, love ain't always perfect, you can't assume a relationship is bad if someone is insecure of themselves. I tried to help her as much as I could and she did like me a lot for that.

 

Problem is she wanted more, more then what I could give her at the time. Now I realize all the things I took for granted like not accepting her house key for example was defeating for her in terms of us being together.

 

She felt the relationship wasen't going as it should have, and we we had a couple of forks in the road as well, she then started investing her feelings in this other guy whom she only clames was her "friend" because he was nice to her, not realizing she was actually pushing me away at that time, which made it harder for me to like her which then made it harder for me to like her back or trust her to be able to invest more in her in which she wanted from the beginning.

 

Now she probably feels like she can't take me back because she feels ashamed of what she done, she told me that too.

 

So what I am trying to do is, make her realize that there is still hope if she want to let go of the problems and focus on improving the situation instead.

 

Any ideas how?

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Well what led her to believe it was a good choice was me not playing my part so well in the relationship, she even told me that "you just don't have a relationship you work for it." So that means if I go NC on her she will probably think I never loved her since she already was insecure about weither or not I loved her to begin with, does that make sense?

 

No. She'll think you are just saying things you don't mean to get her back and that you haven't changed at all. That you are making empty promises. Right now nothing you say will be right, so it's best not to say anything at all.

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No. She'll think you are just saying things you don't mean to get her back and that you haven't changed at all. That you are making empty promises. Right now nothing you say will be right, so it's best not to say anything at all.

 

Then how do I make her think I am not just saying these things? How is leaving her alone going to make her think otherwise?

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Then how do I make her think I am not just saying these things? How is leaving her alone going to make her think otherwise?

 

Because it allows her to settle down and think more rationally and less emotionally. Right now you are stress to her and you cause anxiety. Your presence is a negative. You need to let her work through the issues internally and settle down and you need to work on improving yourself without her. The first instinct for most is to try to rally back and win her back, but that doesn't work. Life isn't a teenage romantic comedy.

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Because it allows her to settle down and think more rationally and less emotionally. Right now you are stress to her and you cause anxiety. Your presence is a negative. You need to let her work through the issues internally and settle down and you need to work on improving yourself without her. The first instinct for most is to try to rally back and win her back, but that doesn't work. Life isn't a teenage romantic comedy.

 

Yes I know, well anyways I sent her a message yesterday saying "Hi how are you?" she never replied, now today she wrote to me on facebook the chat conversation looked like this

 

She: Hi I saw your message yesterday, I didn’t know what to answer

Me: It's ok, I was just worried that's all

She: Worried about?

Me: About you’re health and how you are really feeling.

She: Well I’m not feeling great, and I should feel this way because it's not fun.

Me: mmm

 

Then the convo ended she wen't offline, I didn’t want to be pushy and ask her what she had been doing and when she was coming back or when we could talk, I just wanted to keep it natural, as if nothing has happened. I believe she made a hasty decision when she broke up with me and might want to work it out, but at the same time it could be that she just wants to be friends, she still has her “In a relationship status” on facebook though so it must mean something.

 

Anyhow, do you think I did well? Is there something ells I can do? Next week I’m planning to just send her a text about something we both like, it's about one of our favourite restaurants just to remind her, it's something we talked about before all of this happened it's an update.

 

I just don’t want to be pushy, I want to give her the time she needs, I know we got a special bond together we care to much about each other to hurt each other this way. I'm just emphasizing I might be wrong too, I don't know, that's why i'm not keeping my hopes up all to high.

 

And I'm also working on myself and my life, i'm not just "waiting there" i've already started to talk to other girls too just in case it never goes right with us.

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did u really reply with .... mmm .... what the heck?

 

Yeah? I thought I wanted to show her I wasen't ok with this but still accepting.

 

Was that wrong? What should I have wrote back? I really just wrote it because I diden't know what ells to say. I diden't want to come off as needy.

 

I wanted actually to tell her how much I missed her and how I was resisting the urge to call her yesterday, but it would have come off wrong maybe and as needy, she would have felt guilt and she would have assosiated those feelings with me and I don't think that is any good.

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Give her time for herself. If you're still there she won't be able to think things through and see whether she wants you or not.

 

If you say you are working on yourself then do so. I know it's hard, I'm going through the same. The more you back off the better though. Don't over analyze things, this will not let you move on as you should. Just keep yourself busy with other things.

 

Also, in my opinion, talking to other girls or flirting in your state is not a good idea. Eventually you'll end up missing her more. Start going out with other girls or meeting new girls when you're feeling better with yourself. It's not fair for you nor them.

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Yeah? I thought I wanted to show her I wasen't ok with this but still accepting.

 

Was that wrong? What should I have wrote back? I really just wrote it because I diden't know what ells to say. I diden't want to come off as needy.

 

I wanted actually tell her how much I missed her and how I was resisting the urge to call her yesterday, but it would have come off wrong naybe,

 

Replying "mmm" translates to "I don't care" or "I don't know what else to say, but I'm just gonna say something just because". If you don't wanna come off as needy you should've asked why is it not fun or something.

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