Day 1 of Your Break-Up is Day 1 of your Second Chance

[Sparkleeyes]

Like most females, I spent the immediate days following the break-up thinking about how I would change if I was given a second chance.

 

On day 1 I wrote down how I felt and the circumstances in the run up to the break-up. As I was writing it became clear to me the mistakes I had made on my side. It was a classic scenario: I had become too needy and clingy, trying to hold on to the last piece of our relationship before it fell apart. I became emotionally unstable in that the smallest thing would have me in tears. Silly things like the length of time it took him to reply to my messages. It was actually horrific reading this and I was not impressed with my behaviour at all. No wonder he pushed me away! I promised myself if we got back together that I wouldn't be like this again.

 

Now I'm 16 days of NC and have managed to handle it ok, and have not begged, pleaded or bombarded him with messages. However I am still feeling that raw emotion and I am still crying over things which are happening post break-up. I cried becasue I didn't like a photo of him with another girl on FB. I cried because there was no message asking how I was (although that did come eventually). I have to see him at work in a week or so and I was thinking how I would handle the situation with the photo. My gut reaction was to question him about it, or to show him I'm pissed off by giving him the cold shoulder. I imagined his reaction to this. He would say "I made the right decision letting her go".

 

Then I realised, I have already started my second chance and it started the day of the break up. I need to show him NOW, that I'm not needy, that I'm emotionally stable and am able to rise above these tivial things like the photo. I mean, its only a photo for heaven's sake. It means nothing.

 

So I would just like to pass my thoughts on to those of you who are going through these awful days post break-up. Before you plead, beg, bombard or question him about his actions, remember that you are already living in your second chance. If like me you are hoping for a reconciliation, you need to start NOW in getting back to that wonderful person you were before. And even if the reconciliation doesn't come, you'll feel a lot better for it. Try doing what I did - write down on paper your feelings and your actions on, before and after the break-up. Then read it back. Enough said!

[Redtide]

Sparklz, I have begged and pleaded myself to know what was going on. I've done it twice now, once when we had decided to talk on the phone and the other morning when he called me by accident. I'm not doing that again, now that I have slept and eaten better since we last spoke and we are now only talking through email to keep our emotions in check. This is still very raw. Good luck to you and your meeting with your ex. The cold shoulder is probably best.

[Vegetable]

Hi, I kind of did the same thing you did except I didn't write it. I also started using positive thinking to overcome all the bad things in me that led to my breakup (funny how the trigger for all the bad things that happened did not have to do with our relationship at all). It's amazing how I felt I was SO much better within a day. I've been unable to do full NC since BU. I e-mailed him twice explaining my behaviour and what I thought we could do in order to fix things. The first time he replied he showed no interest at all and was even a little cold. A few days later I texted him for his birthday and he replied back as if we were friends, but I didn't reply anymore and was not planning on replying to him again. However, two days ago he texts me and asks me how I'm doing and reminded me that he's always available to help me with work stuff. I found it funny cause I know him and he just wouldn't do that if he had no feelings for me whatsoever. However, I was already healing and on the right way to successfully moving on, so I decided to text him back and it was pretty much a goodbye message. He replies right back the next morning, 6:29am exactly, as soon as his alarm went off. He said he was missing me like crazy and was thinking to ask me to go to his place, but he wasn't sure about it cause he isn't in love with me like before (funny how before he said he wasn't in love and now he still is). I'm meeting him on Monday, going to his place. I said thanks and explained briefly what I needed, and he replied back calling me "sweetie". I was pissed cause I actually didn't like him calling me sweet names. He kept checking his phone to see if i replied back (the application shows when is the last time the person checked a message), but I didn't reply.

 

So now I have mixed feelings about meeting him. I don't wanna talk about our relationship but it is also tempting, to let it out of my system once and for all. Who knows what will happen in a couple of days...

[Sparkleeyes]

Hi Vegetable!

 

You're doing really great and nice to see that he is starting to miss you. But you want him to REALLY miss you and you want to retain control. By keeping in control, you do not have the fear of his rejection and going back to stage one.

 

Personally I don't think you should go to his place. Make him work for you! I think you should meet on neutral territory and I think you should hear what he has to say but don't initiate any conversations about the relationship. Also give yourself a time limit.

 

When I meet my ex next week for work related issues, I'm going to keep the conversation to work. I actually don't want to see him at all but I have a business to run and can't avoid the situation. If he asks if I want a coffee or lunch I'm going to tell him I can manange a quick coffee but I have to dash off to another meeting. I'm determined not to be put in the friendzone. And I'm not ready to talk about "us". We both need more time and space even if he doesn't realise it.

 

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

[leftme]

If she comes back and I accept it'll be her getting the second chance not me...

 

That's the way I look at it. I'm doing my own thing, for me and moving on. Not to improve my chances with her (although originally they were) but to do just that. Move on.

[Vegetable]

It is also good to know and hear from other perspectives. My best wishes for you too, and hope you can keep strenghtening yourself!

 

I actually wanted to meet him at a coffee place or something, but the thing is that I need him to teach me how to teach a 1 on 1 English class. And I don't know how will this work out, because there's going to be a lot of eye contact and body language involved.

 

He also suggested the following "you can come over at 5 and then I'll drive you home". We live 10 minutes away lol. So he's expecting me to stay there until late and I feel really uncomfortable. I can feel his mind is changing, I know him too well.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much! But I don't want to go back to where I was two weeks before. I guess I'll find the answers soon. *sigh*

[Sparkleeyes]

He also suggested the following "you can come over at 5 and then I'll drive you home". We live 10 minutes away lol. So he's expecting me to stay there until late and I feel really uncomfortable. I can feel his mind is changing, I know him too well.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much! But I don't want to go back to where I was two weeks before. I guess I'll find the answers soon. *sigh*

 

If you feel uncomfortable, don't do it! You need to do what's best for you. Is there nowhere else you can meet to do the lessons? It all sounds very close and personal. And does it have to be in the evening?

[Vegetable]

If you feel uncomfortable, don't do it! You need to do what's best for you. Is there nowhere else you can meet to do the lessons? It all sounds very close and personal. And does it have to be in the evening?

 

Yes, he works at a private school and he doesn't come back home until 5pm. The reason I feel uncomfortable is that I know that feelings will come up, from his side. I'm in a better place now and I'm back to who I was when I met him, and he will see that. So I guess what I really feel is anxiety to see what will happen.

 

I wish we could do it somewhere else, but we don't really have a lot of options. In the end, I'm getting what I wanted, I just don't want to make it too obvious for him. As you said, I gotta make him work for it a little bit more.

[Reflective82]

Sparkle eyes your situ is so close to mine! he broke up w me after 4.5 years- it was going a bit bad for last 6 months and i became more needy etc because we werent getting on....stupidly broke NC begging for him back- huge mistake. now in NC and feeling better. i hope he does contact me but you just dont know.....how long were u together with urs and how old are you? im 26 my ex has just turned 30...

[Sparkleeyes]

Sparkle eyes your situ is so close to mine! he broke up w me after 4.5 years- it was going a bit bad for last 6 months and i became more needy etc because we werent getting on....stupidly broke NC begging for him back- huge mistake. now in NC and feeling better. i hope he does contact me but you just dont know.....how long were u together with urs and how old are you? im 26 my ex has just turned 30...

 

I have read your story. NC is definitely the best thing for you at the moment. I have allowed myself 3 months of space; however if he gets down on his hands and knees begging to have me back, I might consider it ;-)

 

I am 48 and he is 46. We were together for one and a half years. Relationships don't get any easier with age, but I have learned a lot of lessons along the way!