ex "having the time of my life!"

[bustersean]

Hi, i reccently broke up with my ex after I found out she'd lied to me about meeting up with her work colleague. He makes her laugh, he has a long distance girlfriend, she had me. However, after months of a very up and down relationship, she started hanging out with more and more male friends and would exclude me entirely. Sometime ago she crossed the line with one of her male friends (they held hands) and we nearly broke up. After that we spoke of honesty in our relationship. She came friendly with this guy because he was more open and intouch with his feelings than I was. She wanted that from me, to be more open with her. I can understand that some of the blame lies with me. I had been pushing her away. However, it was hard to trust her fully again. SHe lied again couple times about meeting him. anyway, a new guy starts at her work and they have a laugh together. Nothing wrong with that. But then she meets him after work and lies to me about it. I found out. Broke up with her as it was the last straw for me. We live together, still do but now inseperate rooms. She's out now out every night and says that she is "having the time of her life" and told me that she really enjoying hanging out with her friends and its a shame I am not a part of it! I used to question her about why she needs to hang out with so many men, men that then always fall for her (she used to tell me this). She now admits that yes she likes the attention. SHe says that she has so much sexual energy that she loves to see it being seen and appreciated and reciprocated. That this laughter she is having with the guy at work feels almost sexual. Its obvious that there's a lot of flirting going on as her boss was complaining about it using exaltly those terms. She has been faithlfull (apart form that one time holding hands) and never one to mess around or overtly show off her sexuality. She also never used to drink, now she does. One of the problems she had with me was that I liked to have a drink (one or two beers) after work. She said it made me "not fully present" when I then saw her. I kinda get what she means. Anyway, I have a daughter from a previous relationship. She's staying with me this weekend. My ex wants us to have breakfast together. I don't know if I should let her. Or indeed what this means. She also asked if I could pick something up for her as I passing by where these things are and otherwise hard to get. Again, I want to say "get it yourself." I am not her boyfriend after all. What to do? I do want to get back with her. Recently we had a very frank and open discussion about our relationship and what went wrong and why she sought the company of her male friends etc. I have since opened up to her. I knew that I was emtionally blocked so I have since started counceling. Not for her but myself. She said "wow, this is what I always wanted from you!" BUt she also said that she is questioning everything about her morals and who she wants to be with, that she's not been single for so long and that she thinks she may just want to have some fun and be a bit promiscuous. SHe even talked about having a **** buddy! She's also now intouch with her ex-ex and tells me about it. I told her that the break up was inevitable after she'd lied to me (again) and that I was happy that we were not togther so that I could work on my self and did not have to worry about her anymore. But that I felt the decion to break up was forced on me. What to do? Its hard having NC as we live together, but she says she will move out soon. Should I buy these things for her? Should I let her hang out with my daughter and me? THANKS

[dasilver]

Your ex clearly either wants to be single Or…she wants to be with someone else.

 

She needs to move out as soon as possible so that you can both go out and find what it is the both of you are looking for.

 

You do not owe her anything. Don't buy her anything. She is not your girlfriend anymore...she is your roommate.

 

There's no need for you guys to continue behaving like "one big happy family" when she has already checked out of the relationship. She wants to have breakfast. There is nowhere on any menu that says "It is illegal to eat alone in this restaurant."

 

Your priority right now is getting her to move out. You will not be able to find a meaningful relationship with someone if she doesn't ………and believe you me....she has already gotten a head start on you.

[RedDress]

I agree. You need to cut this one loose. She is either incapable or has no desire for a monogamous relationship. Trust me on this - you don't want her back. Things will not change (on her side) no matter what you do. I mean... it's even affecting her work and she doesn't care??

 

I don't think you should pick anything up for her. I don't think you should go to breakfast with her. I think she needs to move out.

 

For the record - from what you've described - I think this issue is 90% hers (and hey! if you think you've learned something too - maybe 10% yours). But... she's not flirting with one guy because something is lacking in your relationship - she is flirting with every guy. She likes and needs the attention from multiple people. No matter what you do - you can never give her the attention and variety of 10 men.

 

The sooner you cut ties with her, the better.

[bustersean]

Nothing actually happened, apart from the holding hands she has been monogamous. Things were not right in our relationship so she stayed a little. The subsequent lie was because I was so suspicious of her that she didn't want me freaking out. I had once chucked her stuff down the stairs, got real angry and acted like a complete idiot. I then continued to be rude and dismissive of her friendships with these men. I really don't think she's a flirty girl but very open and honest. Men can get the wrong idea. I've never felt threatened until the recent hand holding, understandably. After that I did become a bit of an ass always questioning her whereabouts. So maybe she had genuine reason of keeping me in the dark. Or am I just fooling myself?

[CupidMissedMe]

Can you buy these things for me, I would get it myself but I'm busy holding a "friend's" hand and contemplating a F-buddy. Thank you, you are so generous and while you are out picking up these things, can you pick my ex ex from the airport...he's coming in town to hang for a few days, which reminds me...could he crash our place for a bit. Thanks.

 

Hope that put things into perspective for ya buddy. Stop playing the nice guy. Remember, people will treat you however you allow them to.