boyfriend smoking

[roxy77]

Hi I have been with my boyfriend a year and a half. I met him and he was a smoker. I always hated it and complained when he smoked near me. After 8months of being together and a few quitting attempts he finally quit for good. However he still smoked weed with his friends once a week. I still hate this but don't complain because he has never done it around me.

 

Well yesterday, after 8months of not smoking other than weed. My boyfriend finished his last shift at work. He's starting Uni on Monday so he was pleased it was his last day and asked to meet me after work. When I got in his car he told me he wanted to buy a cigar to celebrate. He said he knew I'd be upset though if he did and I would give him grief. I said at the end of the day its his choice if he buys one and its my choice how I respond.

 

We went in the shop to buy a beer and he asked for a cigar. So I said I'm going and calmly walked out the shop and went into a different shop. He went in the shop and found me but for a while he didn't know where I was I had just disappeared. We go back and argued. I ended up ripping the cigar apart. In the end he said that he felt I was controlling regarding him and that he should be able to make the choice himself if he wants to smoke. I said that's fine - I never say a word when u smoke weed with your mates and I'm not there and I feel that's worse! But I have the choice to not be there when he smokes and I choose not to be. Therefore if he wanted a cigar he should not have met me.

 

His argument was he didn't know he wanted a cigar until the end of the day and he thought I would make an allowance that he could smoke it as a one off to celebrate his last day at work. He said he can't believe I wouldn't make an allowance and reacted how I did.

 

I just wondered what people thought?

[sidehop]

Well you did tell him it was okay as it was his choice but to leave and rip his cigar apart can make anyone upset.

 

But besides that, if his habits are not making you happy, how long are you willing to put up with such behavior? Sure, it's his right and choice but it's obvious this is something that you clearly do not like. You also can't expect someone to change unless they're not willing to.

[Lambert]

you probably shouldn't have ripped up the cigar... but we all do things in anger. My thing would have been-- why did he come after you? If you make it clear that you won't be around when he smokes, then he shouldn't try to make you be. It's a tough situation because you really want separate things. One of you is going to have to compromise to make things worth. The thing is, it is a major health issue-- do you really want to compromise your possible future health and the health of any children?

 

When I was younger, I smoked-- in high school and college... even into my young adulthood. I choose to quit all on my own. It's a hard habit to break, I know. And it's nearly impossible if he is going to smoke weed with his friends... I am sure if anyone is smoking cigarettes when they smoke pot, he smokes, too. He just figures you'd never know the difference.

 

I think you need to decide for yourself what you want and then you have to accept the consequences. Maybe he'll quit but it doesn't sound like he is ready.

 

Sorry... that stinks (literally) but a good lesson for others-- if you really don't want to be subjected to smoke, don't date a smoker.

[Blue92]

I think you blew the situation way out of proportion. He is mad because you said he could make his own choice and then ripped up his cigar afterwards. I don't think it was neccessarily wrong that he wanted to smoke to celebrate.

[lavenderdove]

Well, there are a million ways to celebrate a milestone that don't involve smoking. He could have said, let's have a party to celebrate, or go out to a club for a drink, or burn his work ID card and do a happy dance.

 

the point being that he was looking for an excuse to smoke because he really, really enjoys smoking. this is a common problem with people who have an addiction to something, as in, happy? let's have a smoke to celebrate. sad? let's have a smoke to cheer ourself up. bored? let's have a smoke to pass the time. so all roads lead to smoking because he really really wants to smoke and hopes this is one excuse to smoke that you will buy and let him do without comment.

 

we all agree that ripping up the cigar was a bit over the top and an expression of your anger so let that go and don't do it again.

 

but it is a very valid decision to make that you don't want to be with someone who smokes because of all the health issues and the possibility of second hand smoke. he may actually be smoking a lot more than you think he is, just does it away from you, and takes a breath mint or a shower and changes his clothes before he sees you. So he may not have quit smoking after all. And people who genuinely want to quit and don't want to smoke wouldn't reward themselves with a smoke because they are specifically NOT wanting to smoke. So he has tipped his hand, that what he wants to do is smoke, doesn't think there is anything wrong with it, and is probably only avoiding it because he knows you don't like it.

 

So i think you should wait and have one calm conversation with him, where you tell him how seriously opposed you are to smoking, and if he is going to smoke, you just need to break it off and find another BF who has the same value system and doesn't smoke at all. Your other alternative is to just accept that he smokes and not be bothered by that, but it sounds like you just can't do that (i can't either.. i won't be with a man who smokes because i see it as dangerous and really unhealthy. i won't be with an alcoholic or someone who does drugs either because those are my personal values as to things that are unhealthy and/or illegal and i don't want to be around them).

[Donovan79]

I think this conversation has nothing to do with the actual smoking, and everything to do with you feeling like he's not obeying your wishes. As a guy who's smoked in the past and had quite a few cigars, having a cigar has very little to do with getting a nicotine hit, and everything to do with celebrating and relaxing. I think you're getting upset not about the smell or taste, but because by smoking you're taking it as "he doesn't care about me -- if he did he'd obey me".

 

A good relationship you gotta forgive each other your vices a little. He quit cigarettes for you, and smokes weed only not around you. You could allow him the occasional cigar in the back yard 2-3 times a year, though make it clear that he shouldn't expect no kissin' later on. And then if he does it anyway just try to not care, and not read into it as "oh, he doesn't love me enough, if he did he'd choose me over the cigar, clearly the cigar is more important to him!" Just let some things slide and you might be a little happier. Ripping it up was very not cool, especially after you said it was his choice. You should pay him back for that.

[Sportster2005]

When it comes to behavior you have to accept the behavior or not. Pleading, begging, and temper tantrums are not going to change a person and will only tear away the relationship. Set your boundaries and communicate them clearly. If they don't respect them just move on.

 

It's a hard thing to do. In the long run it is best for both parties in the relationship.

[Patrick974]

I was in the same situation as your boyfriend, beside my ex was also a smoker and I'd smoke my weed with my pals away from her.

 

He's made a tremendous effort by stopping the cigarette for you - and I swear it's really not a easy habbit to quit so breaking his cigar was a bit harsh, give him some space, seriously. For you both guys good.

[Generation]

Weed, cigar, cigarette, which of them is the worst? Cigarettes by FAR! Though it's hard for people to wrap this concept around their head because practically everyone smokes a cigarette. But if you really think about it, you can see why cigarettes are worse than the others.

 

I've never met anyone who became addicted to cigars or weed, and practically everyone I know smokes those occasionally. I will never touch a cigarette, not even a little bit of the cigarette's tobacco mixed in a joint with the weed. Cigarette smokers who quit smoking who smoke the occasional cigar won't become addicted to cigarettes again or become addicted to cigars, and the same can be said about weed.

[Jinxi]

Honestly, you have a hatred for smoking, end of story. You hate it soooooo much, what compelled you to be with someone who smoked cigarettes and weed? It would have been a nicer thought for a person to ask their S.o to quit for their own health, but you just hate it and don't want him to do what you hate. It's a completely reasonable thing to dislike, but you are blowing this WAY out of proportion. Poor guy. Go find someone who doesn't smoke and won't be subjected to your smokie hatred outbursts.

[LoveHurts89]

You really over reacted, I feel for the guy. If he smoked when you met him, you should accept him for his "flaws". Regardless of whether he's quit or not, you should not have blown up like that. That's very controlling behaviour, pretty much saying what a person can or can't do, you didn't say it through words but you did with actions. I have no idea why people go so easy on controlling women and blow up on controlling men!

[itsallgrand]

^I agree. It's controlling behavior and really crappy.

 

If you hated smoking so much, you should have ended it before you got into it with him. When you first met him would have been the time to make that decision.

 

Now you are just being a nag and a control freak.

 

Is that really the kind of relationship you want? Where you are acting like a mean mother to him about the smoking? And in my experience, when someone does this to their partner (throws temper tantrums) for one thing, they do it for others too.

 

It's not about the smoking because he was a smoker from the onset. Therefore, regardless of all your antics and complaining to him about it, he knows you are okay with being with a smoker.....know why? Because you are with one. Yup, the guy is still and always has been a smoker.