does absence make the heart grow fonder... or resentful?

[julia017]

I've always wondered about this...

 

For me personally if I really love someone but they leave me, I grow resentful and forget all the good times. The fact that they left in the first place makes me sad, hurt, angry and resentful.

 

As time goes on, even if I miss them, I find it hard to forgive that person.

 

I was seeing this guy for awhile. We were never official but the attraction was there and we bonded at an emotional level. I've never had such great conversations with anyone I my entire life.

 

He was kind, supported me when I needed it and we talked a lot, often into the wee hours of the morning.

 

Well I liked him (and he knew it) months ago. But he's stressed that he doesn't want a relationship because he think she won't make me happy because he will be too busy with "work" (he made plenty of time for me before).

 

I don't get it. He's treated me like a girlfriend and he's told me things he never felt comfortable with talking to anyone about....

 

Well I broke off the friendship. Wrote him a farewell letter.

 

I'm quite devastated since this is the 2nd time someone has stressed they don't want me. I give up on love.

 

As time goes on, I'm just growing more resentful and hateful towards him. I still cry a lot but the anger is definitely there.

 

Does absence make the heart grow fonder... or resentful?

 

I'm not sure about him, but he wasn't eager in letting the friendship go and he did snap to attention when I casually dated others.

 

I guess by now he doesn't care at all... or he's forgotten about me...

 

Do you think my absence is making him realize what he rejected? Or he just plain forgot?

[GrowingUp85]

I know how you feel. The longer I go, the more I resent my ex. I still want her back tho. Kinda ironic, isn't it?

[julia017]

I know how you feel. The longer I go, the more I resent my ex. I still want her back tho. Kinda ironic, isn't it?

 

Did she break up with you?

 

I understand what you're saying. I wasn't official with my guy but we were doing our thing for 7 months. Not long I know but... it's so rare to find someone who you just feel so comfortable and so in sync with.

 

I miss him, I cry about it still yet I'm growing to hate him as the days go by.

 

I'm not sure if I'll ever see him again (doubt it) but if the day came where I did see or hear from him again I wouldn't know how I'd react. Angry, but not sure if I'll be happy or not...

 

Such a waste...

[Jaglostwife]

My wife has only moved out a week ago, but with no contact for more than a week now outside of some meaningless text messages, I seem to bounce back and forth between missing her and resenting her for leaving. I truly miss having her with me so much, but not knowing if she misses me, what she thinks of me, if she feels that I'm fully to blame, etc, leads me to the resentment.

 

I also have fears that over time, there won't be resentment or missing the love of my life, that it will just feel like I don't know her anymore since she has withdrawn from my life so far and that there will be no way to return to the love we once had for each other.

[julia017]

My wife has only moved out a week ago, but with no contact for more than a week now outside of some meaningless text messages, I seem to bounce back and forth between missing her and resenting her for leaving. I truly miss having her with me so much, but not knowing if she misses me, what she thinks of me, if she feels that I'm fully to blame, etc, leads me to the resentment.

 

I also have fears that over time, there won't be resentment or missing the love of my life, that it will just feel like I don't know her anymore since she has withdrawn from my life so far and that there will be no way to return to the love we once had for each other.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this.

 

I'm experiencing the bounce between missing someone and resenting them myself. The only difference is that I knew this guy for 7 months and we weren't official (which most people are going "you're just infatuated" which irritates me).

 

I guess it depends on the manner of the break up and the reason too.

 

How long have you guys been together for?

[julia017]

I think in this situation, most people, if they want their partner/want the person to realize they love them, they would hope for the best in that the other person will come to their senses.

 

We've all been told the "it's best to move on" line so many times that we'd be rich for earning $1 every time we heard it but it's hard to do isn't it?

 

Hope for the best, but expect the worst. It's what I'm going now.

 

Hoping that he will see that I'm the best thing that's happened to him but not expecting to ever hear from him ever again

[GrowingUp85]

Did she break up with you?

 

I understand what you're saying. I wasn't official with my guy but we were doing our thing for 7 months. Not long I know but... it's so rare to find someone who you just feel so comfortable and so in sync with.

 

I miss him, I cry about it still yet I'm growing to hate him as the days go by.

 

I'm not sure if I'll ever see him again (doubt it) but if the day came where I did see or hear from him again I wouldn't know how I'd react. Angry, but not sure if I'll be happy or not...

 

Such a waste...

 

Yes, she broke up with me. Did you want something with this guy, or did you not mind the "unofficial" title.

[julia017]

Yes, she broke up with me. Did you want something with this guy, or did you not mind the "unofficial" title.

 

I wanted something more with this guy so yes I wanted to be official.

 

I wouldn't have minded being being friends, but I've read that some people get stuck in the same situation for years with nothing changing and I didn't want that to happen. Even though I didn't want things to end because it felt great being with him, I can't sit around and wait for him to be available...

 

I would look like a desperate, needy person if I started talking to him again. There are still some things I want him to know but... guess it's too late

[ZhaoZilong5]

My ex dumped me. She thought I was amazing but couldn't handle the distance. I went LC. She missed me from week 7 until last week. I think she's resenting me this week.

 

In my case, I missed her a bit, stopped caring as much, missed her again earlier this month, and now I'm back to whatever.

 

My ex before her cheated on me. She misses me for about 2 years, and now she resents me for having moved on. I resented her for at least a year. Now, I just son't care. Slightly fond earlier this month of what we had back them, but she still cheated regardless.

[julia017]

My ex dumped me. She thought I was amazing but couldn't handle the distance. I went LC. She missed me from week 7 until last week. I think she's resenting me this week.

 

In my case, I missed her a bit, stopped caring as much, missed her again earlier this month, and now I'm back to whatever.

 

My ex before her cheated on me. She misses me for about 2 years, and now she resents me for having moved on. I resented her for at least a year. Now, I just son't care. Slightly fond earlier this month of what we had back them, but she still cheated regardless.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your hurtful past relationship experiences

 

Yea that resentment just takes a hold on everyone. No one likes to be made a fool of or rejected, although your exes are stupid in that they were the idiot ones =/

 

They don't have a right to feel resentment they're just attention seekers IMO.

 

In my case, things didn't part badly. I'd say there was no drama or anything. I just decided to drop a farewell letter off and that's that.

 

Nev heard from him again. 2 weeks ago though so he probably either forgot all about how he felt when he was around me, hates me guts for not agreeing to being his friend, or is maybe missing me... *shrugs* this whole thing is just bad timing.

 

When a man would rather choose his career over a relationship that can bring happines, he's either self centered, or the timing is just s***.

[Vegetable]

Sounds like something I went through last year. I was seeing this guy, and we had a really great time together. We'd do things as if we were a couple but he'd always stress the fact that he did not want a relationship, with me or anyone. He'd tell me "don't fall in love with me" all the time, and I actually did not fall in love with him, but I liked him a lot.

 

Months passed, and I got bored of this situation but I didn't do anything about it either. One night he got mad at me cause I was talking to a friend we have in common and literally told me to "go to hell". I was not going to accept this behaviour and just deleted his number and all that. I did miss him a lot, and I did cry for him a couple times for some reason but went NC right away.

 

Two weeks passed and he comes back begging me to be with him, saying that things will change and that he wants me to be his girlfriend. At that point I was just so mad at him, and so angry with myself for putting myself in that situation.

 

So in my case, absence made his heart grow fonder, but mine resentful.

[julia017]

I feel where you're coming from.

 

I don't understand why people treat each other this way. It's like a trend to treat people like crap nowadays and expect them to always be there for you. What a douchebag that guy was. Seriously

 

People never know what they had until it's gone. People will be spared pain and heartache if people think about the consequences of their actions but no, they'd rather f*** things up first before it crosses their mind how someone meant a lot to them.

 

Stupid....

 

I'm glad you let him go straight away. Our experience is very similar indeed.

 

I'm not sure what my rejector is feeling right now, but I like to think he knows he's missing out

[dave1981]

I know how you feel. The longer I go, the more I resent my ex. I still want her back tho. Kinda ironic, isn't it?

 

I think i'm in same phase, I resent my ex now. Said she loved me, but didnt try to work things out.

[markie6]

From my experiences of breakups over the years I have learned the following... over time the anger dissapears , even the bad things done to you. You are left with a sort of list of fairly fond memories, all the better times. Now they don't have much proper emotion attached to them. This has happened in all 3 processed nasty breakups I have had over a 20 year period. Even emigrating , to find a person at the airport who obviously didn't want me there , doesn't hurt any more. Now it could be that my recent trauma has pushed all this away, but I think it had gone already anyway.

 

Now 3/4 have admitted they made a mistake ( not incl recent ) and tried to get me back, 1 married her rebound , and all that really crosses my mind are some of the fun things, no hate or anger attached, pure indifference to all the bad things. None of the ex's turned up in time...

 

So my theory , added to NC points towards the sooner you part ways and leave each other be, the quicker the anger will come and go ( all things being equal )and you are then left ... with the nicer things associated with them. I can remember being very angry about some of what I percieved as bad treatment , but it's vanished now.

 

Of course the current one , still has both sets of memories attached and will until it's all squared away in my head.

 

The quicker you leave them alone, and both get on away from each other, the quicker the anger will go ....of course everybody is different but that's my take

[julia017]

I think i'm in same phase, I resent my ex now. Said she loved me, but didnt try to work things out.

 

I will never understand people like that. If you love someone, why would you sit on your as$ and not do anything about it? =/

 

Personally I pay attention to what people do not what they say.

[julia017]

The quicker you leave them alone, and both get on away from each other, the quicker the anger will go ....of course everybody is different but that's my take

 

Makes me wonder is it the quicker you leave them alone, then the more they think about you, or are they likely to forget about you.

 

With my situation there was no negativity. We weren't official so we only have great memories to fall back on...

[markie6]

Thats the hope isn't it What people struggle with , they often make matters worse by chasing an ex who is confused , which heaps more confusion onto the ex . The best chance is for the ex to come to their own decision without pressure , and with as little extra arguing as possible. Often the time apart can get people to miss each other , but you cannot miss somebody if they are blowing up their phone. Sadly most seem all too ready to dig their own grave , and realise too late. Obviously some chase an ex who isn't confused at all... and then it goes all pear-shaped for the dumpee .

 

good luck to you

Makes me wonder is it the quicker you leave them alone, then the more they think about you, or are they likely to forget about you.

 

With my situation there was no negativity. We weren't official so we only have great memories to fall back on...

[Vegetable]

Makes me wonder is it the quicker you leave them alone, then the more they think about you, or are they likely to forget about you.

 

With my situation there was no negativity. We weren't official so we only have great memories to fall back on...

 

As I always say, it depends on the people involved, the situation and the relationship you shared. However, as Markie says, if you are constantly there they won't have any chance to miss you.

 

If you were good to your ex, I'm sure he's missing you. I don't know if he'll regret it later on, but if you went apart on good terms there is a chance for something to happen again later on. Who knows really?

[Sparkleeyes]

Here's what I think. I think absence defintely does make the heart grow fonder if the two people have a genuine like of each other - LIKE is a different emotion than LOVE. A couple can have both or only one of these emotions.

 

However, if there is a break-up involved, I think that there can be mixed feelings. When "absence makes the heart grow fonder" comes into play, the person may force themselves into resentment because he doesn't want to allow himself to become "weak" at his true feelings of missing that person.

[markie6]

Who knows really?

Yep... that's the crux of it... sadly there are many times not even the dumper knows... Nobody can read the future , but we all have a good look at that crystal ball anyway

[Streetbob]

Makes me wonder is it the quicker you leave them alone, then the more they think about you, or are they likely to forget about you.

 

With my situation there was no negativity. We weren't official so we only have great memories to fall back on...

 

 

I believe that the sooner you make a clean break the better the chances of some sort of reconciliation in the long run, whether that is friendship or as lovers. I believe that the lasting memory that you leave with them with is one of strength and integrity. If it's a messy breakup and you beg and cry etc that will be the lasting memory.

 

Luckily I did the former and i'm so glad that i did.

 

I know that my ex not only asks about me but reminisces about the fun times with a mutual friend - having said that - she still hasn't gotten back to moi! hahahaha

 

SB

[julia017]

I believe that the sooner you make a clean break the better the chances of some sort of reconciliation in the long run, whether that is friendship or as lovers. I believe that the lasting memory that you leave with them with is one of strength and integrity. If it's a messy breakup and you beg and cry etc that will be the lasting memory.

 

Luckily I did the former and i'm so glad that i did.

 

I know that my ex not only asks about me but reminisces about the fun times with a mutual friend - having said that - she still hasn't gotten back to moi! hahahaha

 

SB

 

Clean break eh? And here I was just thinking to myself maybe I should contact him again... because there are some things I haven't said and don't understand.

 

Thought about it for awhile and it goes a little something like this:

 

"Hey, I've been thinking about what happened, and I have some regrets. I feel like I didn't give us a chance to communicate properly, and I have some things I feel I didn't explain well, and some things maybe you said that I didn't understand".

 

I don't want to come off as desperate or chasing since since i did send him the farewell letter.

 

To proceed or not proceed...

[Sparkleeyes]

Clean break eh? And here I was just thinking to myself maybe I should contact him again... because there are some things I haven't said and don't understand.

 

Thought about it for awhile and it goes a little something like this:

 

"Hey, I've been thinking about what happened, and I have some regrets. I feel like I didn't give us a chance to communicate properly, and I have some things I feel I didn't explain well, and some things maybe you said that I didn't understand".

 

I don't want to come off as desperate or chasing since since i did send him the farewell letter.

 

To proceed or not proceed...

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Don't send!!!!!!!! You ARE coming accross desperate and chasing! NC is the way to go!

[Streetbob]

Clean break eh? And here I was just thinking to myself maybe I should contact him again... because there are some things I haven't said and don't understand.

 

Thought about it for awhile and it goes a little something like this:

 

"Hey, I've been thinking about what happened, and I have some regrets. I feel like I didn't give us a chance to communicate properly, and I have some things I feel I didn't explain well, and some things maybe you said that I didn't understand".

 

I don't want to come off as desperate or chasing since since i did send him the farewell letter.

 

To proceed or not proceed...

 

Julia:

 

My theory on this is as follows:

 

You say whatever you want JUST ONCE and then disappear. You say it all and put the ball in their court and then there is nothing else to say.

 

As for closure.... you will drive yourself crazy looking for it. You will never find the answers you are looking for.

Sorry

 

SB

[julia017]

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Don't send!!!!!!!! You ARE coming accross desperate and chasing! NC is the way to go!

 

 

 

There are some things that I really don't understand... *grabs head* this is driving me crazy! 2 weeks of no contact and it's making me miserable and resentful >