Why can't I get over it?

[gerberadaisy]

Really. Not to mention it's not that easy to "get someone new", especially when you're married and have a life together. Or if you do split up, you still have to heal yourself before getting into a new relationship[/quote

 

Sounds like you'd only stay b/c you are married and don't want to have to go through finding someone new. It's NOT easy, I know, but the sadness you feel by being w/someone who hurts you is not as bad as the sadness that comes from breaking up.

[gerberadaisy]

I agree! Well said!

[gerberadaisy]

If he's going to counseling it's b/c he wants to, and he wants things better with you. Go together, let a therapist be the mediator between the both of you let your feelings out. Quit wanting him to make the first step. Men sometimes need the little push.

[LillyLooWho]

I think telling you to forgive him is not helpful because HOW do you forgive him? I think the answer is time and openness about your feelings and him taking responsibility for what he did. I think if he does that you will have an easier time eventually forgiving him. Therapy should help him along in seeing what he needs to do to make things better between the two of you. But give yourself a little credit here. You have done a lot to move on from this and you have been a great wife. It will just take more time and him being a good reliable husband. How much time it will take is an individual thing so don't pressure yourself so much.

[hers]

Really. Not to mention it's not that easy to "get someone new", especially when you're married and have a life together. Or if you do split up, you still have to heal yourself before getting into a new relationship[/quote

 

Sounds like you'd only stay b/c you are married and don't want to have to go through finding someone new. It's NOT easy, I know, but the sadness you feel by being w/someone who hurts you is not as bad as the sadness that comes from breaking up.

 

Eh I really am not concerned with finding someone new. It's not that my view of marriage is tarnished--it's that I just think now as "What's the big deal? Why did I rush into this?" I loved living alone. Absolutely loved it. Sure, there were times I'd get lonely but I always loved it. I miss it a lot. I love being in the house by myself and having the quiet. I really am very introverted and prefer it that way, though I still make it a point to spend time with the friends I love so much b/c I enjoy being around them. I just don't need it all the time. I do movies and plays and restaurants and all sorts of things by myself and i love it. So it's not a big deal to me to think of "Oh my god the dating game" again. I'm more or less just indifferent.

[lalalollipops]

So two years from now, where do you see your life going? Especially your emotional state? Do you see yourself still being with him? Do you think you'll be able to feel secure eventually? Do you think you can work passed this? Trust is a delicate thing; it's either there or it's not. He's not exactly doing his best to reassure you.

[hers]

Those are all pretty much the same questions he asks me when it becomes an issue for us. Idk the answers. I can't tell the future.

[hers]

He has an appointment on Wednesday with a (male) therapist

[Moontiger]

He has an appointment on Wednesday with a (male) therapist

 

Good. Now, here is a hard question, if he goes and then refuses to go back, what will you do?

[hers]

I don't care as long as my questions get answered sincerely

[Seraphim]

That is good news hers.

[lalalollipops]

The fact he hid his behaviour from you for 4+ months (deleting, lying etc) what makes you think he'd be honest with you now?

What I've realised is that to expect a cheater to tell the truth is asking for alot. Cos afterall they did continue to lie and deceive. =/ Chances are they're going to continue to twist truths and lie just to not have to deal with the consequences.

[itcouldbe]

I know that closure is an inside job and he's not responsible for my closure but I feel like I can't accomplish it with knowing what to work on within myself.

 

I believe your husband is apart of your healing process. You two are a union. Every action or word from him will have a direct effect on you. It seems he needs to take responsibility for his actions and own his actions. Plus, it's ok to have standards your spouse needs to meet (he can have standards for you). You need to be the only woman in his life that lights his eyes.

[chitown9]

You need to be the only woman in his life that lights his eyes.

 

OP, you do seem to be the only woman in his life that lights his eyes as you are the one he chose to marry. ...chi

[Jake_hope]

Here are a few things LavenderDove said to me in my thread that helped me alot.

 

"Cheaters are people who are capable of living a double life to satisfy their own needs. So her priorities are doing what makes HER feel good even if it is damaging to you and really wrong.

 

So when you confront them, you are confronting a selfish person who knows she's been caught, and all the drama of talking to you about it is about YOU and making you feel better, but she is a person who is all about HER and making herself feel better, so she has no interest at all in talking about it or being nice to you or helping you or anything else. She's a liar and a cheat, and her first priority is satisfying herself! So she sees no value in being 'nice' to you anymore if it doesn't suit her own purposes.

 

So that is why she acts as she does.

 

Closure is something that comes from within YOU and not from her. You can't make her admit to it or talk about it or say that she loves you, but her actions are pretty clear that she is not interested in pleasing you, she is interested in stimulating herself and having fun cheating. So you just have to re-adjust your views of her to accept that she's a person who can and did do what she did, and that is not a person who would ever make a good partner for you. She's just not who you thought she was, and the person she is is someone who you don't want as a GF. You may want who you THOUGHT she was, but definitely not who you have learned she is now.

 

So your task is not to chase after her to get her to admit she was wrong (which she most likely won't or it would be a lie if she did because she wouldn't have done it to begin with if she didn't want to do it), your task is to accept that she turned out to not be the woman you hoped she was, and instead is someone who is totally wrong for you because she is a lie and a cheat. Better to just get away from someone like that rather than expect them to suddenly turn noble and care about your needs. She is interested only in herself of she wouldn't have cheated and lied to begin with."

 

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

The fact that you want him to tell you how he feels and wants him to be sincere is what you expect a good person to do. When my ex admitted she cheated on me, she did not sound sincere nor did she say she was sorry ( I realized this after the fact btw). Instead she said, "I can't believe I cheated on the person I love most and now I admitted to myself I am a cheater!, you need to find someone else better than me and be happy". I thought THIS was closure but it wasn't until I got home and got upset again and thought about everything she said and how she was not sorry or sincere. I was so upset by this but then I learned that I needed to stop thinking about what kind of person I thought she was and realize what kind of person she REALLY WAS! Once I realized what kind of person she was, everything was so clear and I was able to accept it.

[ninachamile]

Okay so you are married and there have been problems form the start. You sound very angry, negative and bitter from your first threat to the replying posts. I am happy you are seeking therapy.

I hate to say this and you may hate to have to hear it. There is no therapist or anyone out here in this world that is going to be able to change your situation but yourself. You can not change what your husband did and no amount of what you do to try to make him happy is going to make him not wan to cheat. If you go about trying to keep tract of this or that or trying to put his needs before yours to make him happy you are going to run yourself into the ground missing out on a life you deserve.

You do not deserve to be treated in such a manner and you do not deserve to be torturing yourself over a husband that does not make YOU happy.

He cheated, dont ask why, it is done, it happened. If you have any doubt that he may cheat again, leave. Yes, it is that simple..been there done it. Many people have been there done that.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, go to therapy, love who you are and go live a life you need want and deserve RATHER than what you think someone else needs to make you happy.

Good luck and much strength to you.

[faithful25]

I think it will always bother you because it was a week before marriage and thats very low on his part. Like he is not happy with what he got. I think he needs to give u a direct answer and not going you the run around!

[meoww]

I think you may need to accept that you have emotional limits, that these limits are part of you and not under your control, and no amount of talking or therapy is going to fully resolve the pain, especially since DH is not responding in a way that is helping you heal. you may own a house together and be married but it is possible to go your separate ways without things getting too messy. if you know you are making the right decision and if you remain optimistic, you can keep it together and people will understand, even if at first it's embarrassing and you might alienate a few friends or family members. they will come around and you have do whats right for you, not only what is right in the eyes of your community. it is okay to make big, life altering mistakes and its never too late to get in control of your own happiness.

 

These things happen all the time and you are not alone. Don't worry too much about the future, but make informed decisions that are going to make you happier now, you deserve it!

 

You mentioned that you feel like you should have known how hard it was going to be, but I think once you make the decision to only allow trustworthy people into your inner circle it gets at least a bit easier. Ripping the bandaid off is the hardest part. Maybe you are worried you'll try to leave and he won't fight as hard for you as you think a husband should. Maybe you don't want to face the painful reality that he is not the kind of person you wish he was.