Why can't I get over it?

[diamond78]

hers,

 

First, you need to decide if you reall want to commit to your marriage. If you do, then you have to commit to it fully.

 

Try this for now...

 

Have you written a letter to your husband expressing your feelings? An actual handwritten one....A letter that expresses your love for him, but also expresses the hurt and disappointment you still feel and why? In this letter, you should also give a possible resolution to the issue (marriage counseling, mini-talking sessions between you both, etc...whatever it is you feel you need to help you resolve this).

 

Do not be accusatory, just explain in a loving, but firm manner.

 

I did this recently and put it inside a beautiful/meaningful love greeting card and gave it to my SO. It was the best thing I could have done as far as getting my love for him, plus my hurt out in a productive manner. He was very receptive and appreciative of what I wrote and how it was written. He didn't get defensive, upset, or annoyed. For the first time, I felt as though he actually heard me and felt what I have been trying to convey to him for so long. How what he did made me feel and how long and hard it has been for me to get over it. Plus, getting it all out in that fashion with no interruption helped with my healing and releasing some of my hurt and disappointment.

 

You are only 1 1/2 years out of knowing about the emotional affair. It takes much longer than that for it to just become a memory you simply tolerate. That is unfortunately the reality of your situation, but your marriage can be salvaged if that's what you really want. My situation happened much longer ago than yours, but I have repeatedly done things to help damage the relationship since then because I haven't fully moved on from what happened.

 

There's an article I was reading about the phases a person goes through after experiencing an indiscretion. And you are in the most difficult phase to get through. If you stay stuck in this phase, it will ultimately destroy the relationship and possibly any future ones.

 

I am in that stage now as well, but after much reflection, I have decided to not remain stuck here and suffer any longer.

[lalalollipops]

Well it did happen once. And it took you to find out for him to stop (or hide it better from you, maybe?)

If it can happen once, it will most likely happen again. He did afterall cheat with the married woman? Shows his morals clearly. I feel for you, keep strong!

[hers]

Ive done the hand written letter. I've sent him here before to read my threads about the subject. He knows. He knows all he can. I've done all that. He just has yet to do his part.

[hers]

I am thinking about just making him an appt with my therapist and yelling him when it is. He doesn't want to go to my therapist bc he thinks her view will be unbiased. He wants to go with one covered by his insurance when it kicks in (we dot know when that'll be though) but start soon and pay cash till his insurance kicks in. I'm not looking for him to go indefinitely. I just want to force him to reflect on it but I know that's not fair or logical.

[diamond78]

He just has yet to do his part.

 

What exactly do you want him to do?

 

 

Can he go to your therapist until his insurance kicks in and continue there? Not sure if that would be feasible.

[hers]

I want this question answered: "why do I not place value on monogamous relationships?" come up with a reason why he did it and why he was so attached to his exes. Why he thinks it's ok to hide things. That's what I want him to do.

 

I told him just now he has a week to get his own therapy appt or I'm making an appt with my therapist for him and I told him what questions specifically I want answered (above). Is that wrong? I feel like I'm his mom (you go to your room and think about what you've done!) or assigning him homework (an essay called "what does marriage mean to me?"). I feel like I have to tell him 100% specifically though what I'm looking for, otherwise it won't be done. Why is that? Why do I have to monitor everything? This goes far beyond just being a control freak I think)

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The thing with therapy is that it is only as good as the person who is going to the therapy. Many people go to therapy for years without solving their issues because they don't want to do the self-work. I am not sure how you get someone to really understand how hurtful their cheating was to their partner.....people either have understanding and compassion or they don't. You say that often he will do his own thing after work rather than going home to take the dog out..that is yet another example of his lack of respect for another being's feelings and discomfort. I am not convinced that counselling is suddenly going to make him a more compassionate, understanding person.

[Moontiger]

I am thinking about just making him an appt with my therapist and yelling him when it is. He doesn't want to go to my therapist bc he thinks her view will be unbiased. He wants to go with one covered by his insurance when it kicks in (we dot know when that'll be though) but start soon and pay cash till his insurance kicks in. I'm not looking for him to go indefinitely. I just want to force him to reflect on it but I know that's not fair or logical.

 

Remember, you can't make him do anything. IMO, if he loved you he would have already jumped into therapy and done everything he could to fix this.

 

That being said, you have tried everything else so why not just go for it?

[hers]

That's kind of how I feel, moon. He Saod "I will do this for you?" and I asked why he didn't do it a year and a half ago. Why do I have to force him to make effort?

[OptomisticGirl]

Could it be the age old we just think differently then men? Not even that but we as people think and react differently to situations? Everyone in this thread is in agreement that his first move should have been therapy, not just for you but himself. But would that be everyone's first reaction? L and I were talking about therapy due to an article I had read and he was honest and told me he would go to marriage counseling but he flat out refused to ever do single therapy (if say a problem ever arose in our marriage that we needed counseling) whereas I am of the belief you not only do the joint therapy, you do one on one therapy.

 

I love my husband but when it came to our problem I felt like I literally had to lead him by nose in what I considered common sense logic .

[penelope13]

I just want to force him to reflect on it but I know that's not fair or logical.

 

Why do you think this is not fair? - After 1.5 years he has not been willing to deal with it yet. You might as well accept then that it will never happen and the only thing you need to decide is if this is acceptable to you.

 

Do I believe that you can make this relationship work even if he wasn't willing to deal with the infidelity? - It depends on how you define 'successful relationship'.

 

There are plenty of examples of people muddling their way through decades without ever dealing with severe emotional issues within the relationship. If 'not getting a divorce' = 'successful' marriage, then I guess it's a success. Throughout there will be times when things seem fine and on a day to day basis the people involved may feel positive.

 

However - big however - these kind of relationships come with a high emotional price in the long run. As you already experience now, although some days you feel fine and feel he supports you - you don't have truly peace of mind. Any day the doubts, fears, and insecurities are attacking you. If this is ongoing, it can have lasting effects on your emotional and mental health.

 

Often this manifests itself in eroding self esteem, increasing anxiety, passive aggressiveness, bouts of anger, severe depression which in the long term can lead to premature aging of the brain and thus lead to significant personality changes.

 

I'm not trying to scare you into a divorce, but rather into making it your highest priority to force him into dealing with the issue head on.

 

It is not right that you are punishing yourself and that you are risking your emotional health because he doesn't want to deal with it.

 

Don't fall into the trap that many abuse victims experience: since sometimes he takes care of some of your needs and treats you as a friend, everything else is forgotten until the next cycle starts. Abuse victims rationalize in their minds that a few days of 'supportive, nice behavior' justifies accepting and living through the abuse, while a healthy person would rationalize: "any day of abuse, neglect, or inflicting emotional pain on me is a day too many and cannot be balanced out by 'good days'. He/she either needs to make a drastic and sincere adjustment to the behavior - or I will take serious consequences, i.e. leave the relationship".

[diamond78]

Maybe it's because he doesn't know exactly what you wanted from him. And frankly, many guys don't until you spell it out for them. This is not something new. Men always say to just come out and say exactly what you want because they will never be able to figure it out on their own. He can't read your mind.

 

And don't forget that he won't fully understand your feelings because he is not going through what you are at this moments...He is not feeling your feelings.

 

Also, he did wrong and he probably isn't proud of it and doesn't even want to face it because he doesn't want to have to think or see himself as a cheater.

 

For example, there is one big wrong that I have done to my mother. I was in a desperate situation and I did something I shouldn't have. It was totally out of character and if I could take it back, I would...but I can't. I have apologized and cried about it, but guess what? I wish to not think about it because I am ashamed of my actions and the few times my mom has brought it up, it just hurts so bad because I am so ashamed of myself and I just wish she wouldn't ever mention it again. I wish that it would stay in the past forever.

 

So, that may be how he is seeing/feeling about it on his side of things.

[hers]

I understand that logic. I do. But I also don't think it's my sole responsibility to label the issues in our marriage or find the solutions. I can only do so much before I'm just tired and resentful. And that's how I feel now. I'm tired. I'm resentful. I'm over wondering why all the time. I'm ready for an answer. Something to keep me from blaming myself all the time. I'm ready to make peace with myself. I can't do that when I'm not being met anywhere else, not even halfway.

 

When I found out, he continually only confirmed to me what I had actual evidence to present. And that hurts so much too...bc he still didn't do it out of morals on his part. I feel like our marriage is the definition of insanity--we are doing over and over again and expecting different results. Maybe now he'll change. Ok he didn't. Maybe this time. I can't do that anymore...I can't keep myself crazy for some insane purpose. I'm tired.

[diamond78]

I understand that logic. I do. But I also don't think it's my sole responsibility to label the issues in our marriage or find the solutions. I can only do so much before I'm just tired and resentful. And that's how I feel now. I'm tired. I'm resentful. I'm over wondering why all the time. I'm ready for an answer. Something to keep me from blaming myself all the time. I'm ready to make peace with myself. I can't do that when I'm not being met anywhere else, not even halfway.

 

 

 

Oh trust me, I understand because that is exactly how I feel about it. Exactly. But I also realize that his perception is different. It doesn't stop me from having these feelings though.

 

It's like we were wronged and we want some justitication and justice for what happened. But no matter what they might tell us, I don't think that deep down we will ever be fully satisfied with the answer and/or explanation.

[Kalika]

The "being tired" doesn't get better, Hers. It gets worse..

 

You said that you want to at least be able to say to yourself that you did everything you can to avoid divorce.. but it can't be just you that's trying, but right now it is. You said yourself, he just wants you to get over it. He'll go to counseling for you but not for your marriage. You have tainted memories of your wedding because you went through with it. He has only admitted to you what you found, forget about what you haven't even found out yet. Basically he just wants you to get off his back and stop nagging him. You even acknowledge that his immaturity has caused you to lose respect for him, to not trust in him to take care of your needs, of the household needs. What he did was one of the worst and most hurtful things one person can do to another person in a marriage, and yet he is still sitting there feeling sorry for himself about how he is getting nagged at because he just wants to drop it. His needs come before yours.

 

HE DOES NOT GET IT.

 

You have not even been married a few years ... You should still be in the gaga honeymoon in love phase with each other. At this point, no other woman should even be a blip on his radar. The marriages that survive and thrive post infidelity are those where the cheating partner comes clean, feels a ton of remorse, and goes about doing every single thing he or she can to be an open book, to regain trust, etc... and yet here he is, and he hasn't even admitted yet to you the extent of what they did or didn't do together. He tells you she was "available" and that was all it took.

 

The only people that do EXACTLY they want to do, regardless of the consequences or hurt they may cause, are children.

 

Hers, anyone can go out and get a marriage certificate, but actually BEING IN A MARRIAGE is not what you have. This absolutely is not a marriage. You can try until you're blue in the face to do therapy and all of that - but he has to be willing and right now you are dragging him, kicking and screaming, into adulthood and maturity. HE IS NOT READY and you can't change that with all the therapy in the world.

 

You haven't closed on that house yet. You are young, vibrant, and full of life and love. Don't sell yourself the short end of the stick.

[Fudgie]

I agree with Kalika.

 

Remember, it takes 2 to make a marriage. He is not owning ip to his own faults and helping you to heal. It does not sound like he is ready for marriage in the sense that he has been involved with infidelity more than once. Him "being nice" does not mean he sent have to own up to this. If it were working, you wouldn't be miserable.

 

It worries me that you say you don't want to divorce because you don't want to be a divorce statistic. It wouldn't make you less of a person. Nor would it doom you in any way. You put in the effort, he's not. Please think of your own happiness here.

[doiiiieeezie]

The question you need to ask yourself is... do you really see being married to this person who doesn't own up to his responsibilities or do you cut the rope, break free and found out that another stronger reality is out there for you?

 

Don't live in misery, you will always be in a hole. Become the strong woman that will make you feel happy no matter what.

[Fudgie]

Another thing to think about is:

 

What's worse? Being unhappily married for years, instead of finding someone right for you, or suffer some temporary embarrassment from friends and family, and then find someone better for you?

 

Look, I know people in my life with bad marriages. If one of them were to walk away I'd be there to support, not shun them. People who care about you want to see you happy.

[Seraphim]

I think people are giving him no credit for the ability to change. True he has to want to. I will tell you most men are pretty immature before their middle to late 30's. Who says on e in therapy he won't change? Who says he won't get it. He very well might. Hers when my husband was your husband's age he was so immature I wanted to smack him on an hourly basis some days. As you know my husband had an issue with crossing the line into questionable behaviour about 12 years ago. Then he was all about protecting his own shame and ego. Now if I bring it up the odd time he is immediately contrite.

 

I would say seek what counseling with the both of you brings before you throw it all away.

[Huntress0527]

I think part of the bottom line is you want him to feel what you feel and he just doesn't and that's just making you feel more and more depressed and anxiety ridden. If he doesn't want therapy and you force him to because you want him to feel what you feel then it's just going to bring you right back to where you are now but with money gone out of pocket.

 

You can only try to fix things and try to let go of things for so long but if doesn't want to then I think it's time to bail knowing you tried your hardest. Sometimes love is not enough.

 

It's no reflection on you. You would not be a failure. I'm not trying to be a bringer of doom but sometimes you have to be realistic that some relationships/partnerships/marriages just do not work out in the long run. It breaks my heart to see you in pain because you're a good person. It's time to lay the cards out on the table as I said before. Say what you need to say and then if no action no healing begins then it's time for you to take action. He is hoping that you'll just forget it and sweep it under the rug but it is obvious that you cannot seem to move forward.

[Marah]

I just want to challenge the assumption people are "stupid" for taking their cheating partners back. Stupidity is probably not driving it- pain, fear, hope, love, and sadness might be more in the forefront. So to think of yourself as stupid for this isn't helping you.

[LillyLooWho]

I'm a little different than most of the other posters. I think you love him and I think he loves you, and therefore you should work on the problem. First of all you are NOT hideous and fat. I think you're terrific inside and out! He is lucky to have you. He is young and a little immature and he may not realize all of how wonderful you are but over the years it will sink in.

 

I believe him when he said she was nothing special to him and she was just "available". I know you were too but guys (sorry to stereotype) love to have more than one woman interested in them. It's in their genes. I think he was flattered that she was acting into him and so he just went with whatever she was offering. It was a terrible betrayal but I don't think he was thinking with his heart, just his penis. I don't think it means you aren't special and that your marriage doesn't count. He made a mistake. A terrible stupid bone-head mistake. I assume he has apologized and gone over the whole thing with you many times. I feel terrible that he has hurt you so much for some tantalizing sex talk in the moment.

 

My best friend's husband cheated on her several years after they were married. She caught him. He didn't confess. He gave her stupid answers to her questions. He was petrified. My friend was devastated. But she was pregnant at the time and so she let him stay and it took years for them to be ok again. They went to couples therapy and one of the things the therapist told him was that he had to be a completely open book. He had to give her access to everything - his email accounts, his mobile phone, his work phone, whatever she wanted to see, he had to let her see. He did that and it took a long time for her to get over it. It still bothers her sometimes but over the years her husband has become more and more remorseful. Now he cries about it and says he can't believe he did that. I believe him.

 

I personally think your husband just wasn't thinking. I don't think it means he doesn't love you. I don't think you should monitor how much sex you have with him. I really don't think he will do it again. I know you can't help thinking he will but eventually you need to let it go or move on from him. I think you need him to go to therapy and I think he will go because he loves you. Trust that he loves you and he made a big mistake. A HUGE mistake! But I see your posts and on the whole, I think he loves you. As he ages, he will mature. Well hopefully he will.

 

Just never believe you're not awesome because you are.

[hers]

Thank you lily. He did say it was flattering to him. But to me it was not that he wasn't thinking. After all, he thought enough for 4 months to hide it, to delete yeh texts, to come up with lies...that's what doesn't make sense to me.

[LillyLooWho]

I'm not saying what he did wasn't horrible and a betrayal to you and your relationship. It clearly was. When I say he wasn't thinking, I mean he wasn't thinking about consequences. Like a lot of people, he thought he could get in and then out of it without you knowing. I don't think he wanted to be in it forever. I don't think he thought she was that special, just flattering to his ego.

 

If it was more than what he said it was, he probably wouldn't have gone through with the wedding. He wouldn't have gone through all of the interrogations (which are understandable in the circumstances) with you. He wouldn't be buying a house with you. He sees a future with YOU, not her. He talks about having babies with you. He is building his life with you. True, he is still young and needs to mature some but other than this one very HUGE mistake, hasn't he been good to you overall when you look at the big picture? If you can't honestly say "yes" to that question, then you need to think about your options.

 

I think you worry about hurting him if you left because deep down you know how much you mean to him and how devastated he would be.

[gerberadaisy]

He says he will but I feel like he'll go only for me. I've never gotten the idea from him that he really does feel like it was "cheating" bc penis never entered vagina. Like there was a loophole. It just seems like he'll tell me what I want to hear and not what I need to hear. Idk if that is just my thinking being clouded or what

 

What is it w/men and saying that's not cheating? Any kind of inappropriate comments towards another female that is not your wife/gf is cheating! Online flirting is cheating. I'm not sure how you can get over it, b/c I am one of those that never did. If you chose to marry him and be w/him then you chose to FORGIVE him and it must be let go.

 

Do things that will make you feel good about yourself! And don't let him bring you down.