Why can't I get over it?

[Seraphim]

I agree. Totally. In marriage there is no perfect and there are no mind readers. You have to communicate what you want and if he wants to go to counseling with you don't question the whys just do it.

[hers]

Thank you Vic. I know logically that he did this bc of some unhappiness within himself that I'm not responsible for. But he can't identify it. I can only identify what I can. He said 100 different reasons after I caught him. I didn't have enough sex with him, I emasculated him, I talked about nothing but the wedding...the reasons were all pointed to me. Hes changed it over the last year and a half to it had nothing to do with me, that it was all him. But he doesn't have a reason still. So what mote do I have to go on but the reasons he initially gave me?

 

He took my entire faith in marriage away. He killed our marriage before it had a chance to get started. Like I'll never know if we would've succeeded bc we loved each other. Now I just wait for the bomb to finally drop to tell me that we've failed.

[Seraphim]

You have to forgive him and yourself. That is essential and then never look back.

[hers]

He has said he doesn't let himself think about it bc he's ashamed. He doesn't talk to friends about it bc he's ashamed. He doesn't reflect bc I act like I'm passed it. He asks me why I'm still with him if I think bout it as often as i say I do. I guess bc maybe I hope I can prove my lack of faith wrong.

[hers]

If it's not my fault, why do I have to forgive myself?

[penelope13]

Tell him you want him to reflect, because YOU need him to. He doesn't need any other reason than that.

[hers]

But if I'm not acting as though I'm thinking about it, then I must be passed it and he needs to reflect

Only bc I ask him to at that moment. That's his reasoning

[Seraphim]

If it's not my fault, why do I have to forgive myself?

 

No not that I meant it was your fault but to forgive yourself for feeling how you do. For feeling like you are not good enough.

[Seraphim]

But if I'm not acting as though I'm thinking about it, then I must be passed it and he needs to reflect

Only bc I ask him to at that moment. That's his reasoning

 

Then you have to tell him you are not over it.

[penelope13]

If it's not my fault, why do I have to forgive myself?

 

Because you feel somehow that it's your fault (maybe not consciously, but subconsciously), thus just forgive yourself for whatever you think you may have contributed to the situation, regardless if objectively he is the the sole one bearing fault for his actions.

[hers]

I used to think so highly of myself. Now I see myself as someone her spouse settled for.

 

I asked him why he didn't just leave me when he wanted someone else instead of doing this to me. He said he never didn't want me. I feel not good enough bc it's like I wasn't enough.

[penelope13]

I don't think you'll be able to get passed this by trying to get inside his head without talking to him directly and openly.

[hers]

But I do talk to him about it. It's why I've been so upset since yesterday. I can't always keep it inside. I wear my emotions on my sleeve a lot and he knows when something is wrong. I always tell

Him. But it's like I'm bothering him if I bring this up

Bc he feels I should be past it by now.

 

I'm mad that he's at a friend's watching football right now. It must be nice to just go have fun when so much is going on at home. I'd still rather be alone tonight though. If I keep talking to him about it, I'll just keep crying.

[Seraphim]

Well I would tell him not to tell you how to feel or when he feels you should be over it. He is telling you that because he is ashamed and does not want to deal with it but that is too bad. He HAS to deal with it.

[OptomisticGirl]

He doesn't reflect on it because deep down, whether he realizes it or not, he knows why he did it. He knows what drove him to it, his perception change in tellin you shows that. I ultimately think he's afraid of the answer he will find if he dwells on it and is afraid of how you will react to this dark reason because it could be just another knife in your heart and he has shown since that indiscreation he doesn't want to hurt you. So then it becomes your matter to dig and reflect on can you love him (and continue this marriage) even if the reason he did this is the simplest of answers: he was a jerk. Perhaps he is afraid to open those wounds and self reflect because he knows in doing so, he will more than likely lose you.

[penelope13]

I meant talking beyond the 'im upset about it', but rather getting at the bottom of why it happened, how much it has hurt you, how it's still affecting you, why some days it's fine, why other's it's not, about your fears, your feeling you need to keep track of how often/frequent you have sex ...

 

whenever you write about it, you always seem apologetic that you are even bringing it up. you talk about what he expects you to feel, where he wants you to be (i.e. that you should be over this by now). as I said earlier, it reads as if you have swapped roles: you are the one trying to convince him why you deserve to be in a marriage with him and you are going out of your way to be a perfect wife by even trying to control your emotions instead of him being the one to try to earn your trust back and to convince you why he deserves to be married to you.

[hers]

He's so loyal to everyone in his life but he was so disloyal to me. He even had loyalty to her by staying in contact with her. They'd been broken up years but they'd randomly meet up before we got together and they'd fool around while her husband was at work (yes there's a red flag I stupidly chose to ignore). But he continued being loyal to her bc she served a purpose to him once. But where is the loyalty he has for me?

[Seraphim]

He's so loyal to everyone in his life but he was so disloyal to me. He even had loyalty to her by staying in contact with her. They'd been broken up years but they'd randomly meet up before we got together and they'd fool around while her husband was at work (yes there's a red flag I stupidly chose to ignore). But he continued being loyal to her bc she served a purpose to him once. But where is the loyalty he has for me?

That is what I would ask him. And why he expects loyalty from you. And why he expects to be married to you or even deserves to be.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Oh dear...this man fooled around with his ex while her husband was at work. He cheats on you with her and then his initial reaction when caught was to give a laundry list of his perception of your failings as a justification for cheating. Now he gets annoyed when you bring it up and just wants you to forget it. I honestly don't believe this man is ashamed of his actions...after all, he had no problem fooling around with a married woman while her husband was at work. That is now two ways that he has shown that relationships are not sacred to him...he was willing to be the other man....and then he was willing to be the cheater. Often cheaters do not want to lose their main relationship for whatever reason, sometimes because of convenience and sometimes it is because they truly love their partner....yet they are selfish and want adoration and sex from others as well. He did it because he figured he could get away with it..and he was living in the moment, only thinking about his own needs and not the ramifications of his actions.

[hers]

He thought enough to keep hiding it so he wouldn't get caught. He knew he was doing something wrong. He just didn't care

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He thought enough to keep hiding it so he wouldn't get caught. He knew he was doing something wrong. He just didn't care

 

A number of years ago a woman I know was cheating on her partner. The other man even bought her a necklace which she actually wore. She knew that her boyfriend suspected she was cheating but she did not care. When I told her that it was not a nice thing to do to her partner, she told me she knows but she does not care. She continued cheating for another couple of months until it fizzled out when the guy left town. Bottom line is that she knew it was wrong but she did not care because she liked the excitement that having a new sex partner brings.

[FreedomRing]

Hers -

 

I wonder how much of you continuing to marry J after such a huge betrayal, and to continue in this marriage has to do with the relationship between your low self esteem/ self worth, and believing at least on subconscious level, that this kind of treatment is the best you could ever get. You say you think he has settled, but I think there may be some parts of you, who has settled cause you don't believe you DESERVE someone who can and will be faithful to you.

 

Everyone is allowed to make mistakes in life. I personally could not continue with a partner who has cheated(emotional/physical), BUT, I am able to see how SOME other people are able to...if certain parameters are at play, such as: the cheater realizing their mistake, and morally fessing up, without having to be confronted; the cheater taking full responsibility and doing WHATEVER the person grieved needed to restore trust and faith. Those are instances where I can see how others would give them second chances and chalking it up as a 'mistake'. It doesn't seem like that is your situation, so it's no wonder this is eating away at you. You have two people trying to deal with this in their own ways, yet perpetrating a 'union'. That just won't work.

 

Be careful that you're not putting too much pressure on yourself to 'stick this out' so not as to see yourself/the marriage as a failure. Marriages, or relationships for that matter, fall into a different category. It's not an indvidual, sustainable goal, in which one person can work so hard, exhaust all avenues and resources, and get out what they put in. Relationships don't work that way unfortunatley, which is why they are soooooo risky. There is another variable at play -- another individual. Who has their own mind, and actions in which the other individual cannot control. If they're not putting in the same effort....it's a wrap. But just know you will NEVER be a failure, no matter how this ends up.

 

We have some parallels and I can sense you pushing yourself so hard, to make this a success, to overcome this hurdle. But you cannot do it alone, if you insist on staying in this marriage. The communication between you two has to drastically improve.

 

(I've had several glasses of wine....I hope this made at least some sense!)

[diamond78]

hers,

 

My heart goes out to you because I am going through the exact same thing at this very exact moment, except I'm not married but I have been with my SO for almost 8 years. I could have written all the posts you have in this thread. I know what you are feeling and going through and how difficult it is to move past it all.

 

I wanted to send you a pm, but for some reason I can't. If you can, please send me a pm. Thanks

[hers]

Diamond I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through something so terrible. I have my pm's turned off but I'll have OG send you a pm with my email or Facebook, if that's ok. Let me know?

[hers]

He was home when I got back from my movie. Neither of us has mentioned anything. I highly doubt he thought of anything at all while he was gone.