Why can't I get over it?

[hers]

Please no one tell me "I wouldn't have married him" or "you shouldn't have married him" bc that is the least helpful "advice" ever. Ever.

 

 

I'm so tired of thinking of it all the time. I'm so tired of wondering why he did it and what I did to make him do it. I've never gotten a straight answer out of him for why he did it. I'm tired of monitoring how often we have sex so that I dont go too long without doing it for fear he go somewhere else again. I tired of feeling so unconfident in our marriage and in myself. I have no self esteem and constantly think I'm hideous and fat and how my back acne or my chewed fingernails or my big nose drove him to find someone prettier.

 

I found out a week before we were married that he'd been going back and forth on email and text with an ex of his for 4 months. Very sexual stuff. My equivalent of cheating even if physically nothing was done. But sexual pics and talk of meeting up is cheating to me.

 

We've been married nearly a year and a half now and most days we do well. We really do. But I think of it every single day. He has said he doesn't let himself think about it and that he doesn't know why he did it. I didn't find out bc of some morals on his part. I found out bc I was nosey and bored one night and went on his email, not expecting to find anything at all. And he only ever told me what I had sure evidence for, which means I kept finding out more through investigating and presenting evidence, even after we married.

 

I was never more sure of anything when I agreed to marry him. I was so sure we'd last and be happy. I never thought he'd do that.

 

How do I get over this? I'm In therapy. I come here. I talk about it to friend's when I'm down. Idk what more to do. He feels like I should be passed it by now and that bc I rarely bring it up, I must be done with it. I don't throw it in his face ever, and I so don't smother him. He goes out with friends every weekend and I don't mind. I don't care if he talks to me about a girl he thought was pretty (though he knows not to tell me about redheads bc she was a redhead). I don't care if he looks at porn or hears from other exes. I don't smother him. But I don't trust him anymore and I have such little faith in our marriage bc I question every single thing.

 

It hurts so much. It always hurts so much. I will always resent him I think for taking my faith away. I was so sure he was perfect for me. O have no idea how to trust myself anymore bc of it.

 

I can't figure out how to get through this.

[crbelectrical]

answer is so simple

get with some one who will make u feel and be a princess. ur fell million bucks and wont ever think u were any different

[hers]

You really have no idea what "simple" means.

[metrogirl]

answer is so simple

get with some one who will make u feel and be a princess. ur fell million bucks and wont ever think u were any different

 

if it were that easy, no one would be unhappy and everyone would live in a fairytale land.

[hers]

Really. Not to mention it's not that easy to "get someone new", especially when you're married and have a life together. Or if you do split up, you still have to heal yourself before getting into a new relationship

[OptomisticGirl]

I think as long as his answer is 'I don't know', you'll always think about it because without knowing why your over compensating in all areas to make sure you are okay because you simply don't know why he did it. My ex never told me why he did it until we broke up (for good) and with that came a huge amount of relief (the answer, not the break up).

[hers]

I know that closure is an inside job and he's not responsible for my closure but I feel like I can't accomplish it with knowing what to work on within myself.

[OptomisticGirl]

Will he do counseling on his own to try to find the answer?

[hers]

He says he will but I feel like he'll go only for me. I've never gotten the idea from him that he really does feel like it was "cheating" bc penis never entered vagina. Like there was a loophole. It just seems like he'll tell me what I want to hear and not what I need to hear. Idk if that is just my thinking being clouded or what

[doiiiieeezie]

Even with counseling and talking, the fact is that you are not happy. He is not your prince that you thought he would be and the insecurities that you have about yourself is being magnified. It will never be the same, so the question is.. can you look at him, and say that you accept him for his faults or do you give up and leave him?

 

You can accept to be lower than you should be or rise above and love yourself fully. You did nothing wrong and the faults that you think of yourself is not the reason he did it. My only criticism of you is that you did snoop because your insecurities got the best of you... so my question is, do you trust him?

[hers]

I had so much confidence before I found out. Confidence in us, what we were doing, in myself. I didn't snoop bc I was feeling insecure. I really disnt. I really was just being nosey.

 

I wonder sometimes how long it wouldve gone on if I hadn't found out.

 

Do I trust him? In a sense. I believe him when he says he's going out with friends or something. Or that it's not happened again. But it's like my faith is gone if that makes sense. Idk why I'm separating faith and trust here though. I had so much faith in everything but I don't know. It's like I resent my own gut instincts now. I married a guy who cheated. I should've known it wouldn't be easy to get past it. I trusted my gut that I was marrying a great guy. But my gut was wrong. I don't trust myself now.

[charity]

the first thing that springs to mind is that this is not really about him, its about you.

you feel inadequate in yourself, you are not happy in yourself... and i feel this is not BECAUSE of what he did, rather what he did simply confirmed these feelings that were within you all along. before he cheated you may have felt confident in the relationship BUT did you feel confident in YOURSELF? how was your self esteem when you were growing up, before he came into your life etc. really think about this because i think this is at the core of what is stopping you from forgiving him.

 

secondly... he does not know WHY he did it???? i could not accept that. if he doesn't know why, then how can he prevent it from happening again? do you feel he has taken this seriously at all? has he self reflected on the seriousness of this at all?. this may be a reason why your faith in him is gone.

 

so i don't think he has handled this very well with most definitely does not help you to have faith in him BUT i think the core of what you are feeling is that you just don't love yourself a lot. i feel for you. i have read lots of your threads and i can relate to you. i know you TRY a lot, i know you question yourself a lot...... i hope you can heal whatever is the problem. for me reading eckhart tolle THE POWER OF NOW was the step i needed to take. you may want to take a read if you haven't already.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He did not cheat because of you...he cheated because of HIMSELF. He wanted the thrill, the excitement. I suspect that part of the reason why you are having a hard time moving forward is because he never properly owned up to his behaviour and showed sincere remorse for what he did. If he doesn't seem to think that he really did anything so wrong, then it pretty much invalidates your feelings. It shows more than a lack of judgement..it shows a lack of character on his part. I remember from previous threads that you do have your own insecurity issues...but someone who cheats, even if it is not full blown direct contact sex, can make even the most self-assured partner feel insecure. Betrayal by someone you thought you can trust is a real shock to the system.

 

Staying in a marriage simply because you don't want to start over, it will be harder to find someone, the length of the healing process etc is not the best reason to remain married. This man failed you big time and does not seem to understand the seriousness of it. Only you can decide whether or not to remain with him...but remaining with him out of fear of the future on your own or because you don't want a failed marriage, is not going to be good for you in the long run. In order to be happy with him, you have to be able to move past what he did and accept that he will never understand the true wrong he has done. In other words, you will have to make peace within yourself and accept this flaw in your husband.

[sidehop]

I know that closure is an inside job and he's not responsible for my closure but I feel like I can't accomplish it with knowing what to work on within myself.

 

I really think he should go to therapy with you; after all it is marriage and he caused so much pain within you. It's unfair to think you're the one who needs to change alone.

[einsteins_girl]

I'm not going to pretend I have any advice to offer. I've never been married, and (thankfully & luckily) I have never been cheated on. But I do follow your threads, hers, and I want you to know I feel for you. I cannot imagine how confusing and frustrating this experience must be. I hope you are able to make your way through it, find peace & be happy.

[hers]

Thanks guys. I never really was insecure about my looks before allthis. I mean, I was to some extent, the way most people are. But I really thought myself to be pretty and a bit of a catch. I don't feel that way so much now. Now I feel like I have to keep a man so I do stuff to make sure I keep him. But I feel like whatever effort I put in might not be enough. I'm not scared of being alone (in fact, the opposite bc I love living alone and being alone so much) but it's like i made the commitment, I need to keep it.

 

Will wrote more later

[SapphireNoir10]

You married him cos you thought the trust may come back and you walked into that knowing it could take work.

 

I'm the type of person who can't forgive cheating. Only because even if I wanted to, I know i'd drive myself crazy with the why's and what if's.

 

I understand you want your marriage to work and I think joint counselling would be a great idea.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Thanks guys. I never really was insecure about my looks before allthis. I mean, I was to some extent, the way most people are. But I really thought myself to be pretty and a bit of a catch. I don't feel that way so much now. Now I feel like I have to keep a man so I do stuff to make sure I keep him. But I feel like whatever effort I put in might not be enough. I'm not scared of being alone (in fact, the opposite bc I love living alone and being alone so much) but it's like i made the commitment, I need to keep it.

 

Will wrote more later

 

If keeping a man was based on appearances, Halle Berry wouldn't have been cheated on. Cheating is down to the person who cheats and their own character flaw. Your husband wanted excitement. Do you think he still had feelings for his ex? How long had they been broken up before he started dating you? He may have had unfinished business with her.

[penelope13]

Your gut instinct that made you go through the wedding, must have been based on something. Try to identify what that something was that gave you the courage and the faith that despite the infidelity you both would be able to have a successful marriage. Identifying that may help you to give you strength again when you are experiencing serious doubts and pain.

 

The other question I have: did you ever (initially or later) let your full anger, disappointment, hurt, fear out in front of him, undiluted, unfiltered, in all its intensity? - It sounds like since it happened and you initially talked, that now you take it on as your burden to deal with the emotional consequences, while he gets to chose not to think about it any more. I'm not sure if he truly knows the depth of the effect this has on you (since he thinks you are dealing and you should be over it by now). It doesn't seem to have effected him in a deep way. - Shouldn't he make it his top priority to understand why it happened and how to ensure both himself and you that those circumstances may not arise again? While at a certain point you can't punish him for ever if you have decided to accept this, he can't just let you have to do the hard work in order to maintain the marriage.

 

I think it's horrible that you feel you need to keep track of how often you are intimate with him in fear he may go somewhere else if you don't provide enough (I'd call this marital prostitution to put it crudely).

 

I don't know when you started to feel that it was your fault and thus the burden is on you to make sure it won't happen again. It should be the exact opposite: it's HIS fault only. If he had issues with you, he should have communicated them to you, not start an emotional affair. But HE chose his own actions. You didn't make him do those. Thus it's on him to make sure that you don't have to worry about him having similar thoughts and doing similar things again. I think if you manage to make this rather significant shift in how you are interacting with him, you would start to feel a lot better about everything. If he is not willing to do so, then he is not worth your love.

 

I know you are currently in process of buying a house, which is a stressful event in itself. It may be a contributing factor why you are currently more stressed out about the infidelity, because logistically it binds you even more to him, while emotionally you both haven't really resolved the emotional repercussions of his actions yet.

[OptomisticGirl]

^ and I believe this is the crux of it. You found out mere weeks before your wedding, you didn't give yourself time to grieve and be angry. Then once you guy got married J lost his job and those feelings were again pushed to the side to deal with that crisis and it repeated when he was let go from the next job (this time for longer). Then came him finding a job, you switching jobs.... Everything that has happened since has come before dealing with those emotions to their full extent. And with the purchase of the house (something that will tie you guys so much more financially than simply being married) I think your gut is telling you 'hey, you never resolved this, really.' I think joint an single counseling would help. J has to know the depth with which it bothers you and he needs to know you need to know why it happened, even if that reason hurts.

[nicks2607]

For any relationship, trust is the important thing which makes it successful. Without trust in relationship, I would call that an agreement due to which you have to do what you are doing. In this situation I see only two options. First, leave him and start your life with new hope and joy. Second, talk to him about the matter and explain how it is ruining your relationship. I think, it would be better to talk to him, if you want this relationship.

[jenny_mcs]

I've never gotten a straight answer out of him for why he did it.

 

This is what sticks out to me. This is what would drive me crazy. If it just seems like some random, crappy thing he did, with no reason or no explanation of why he did it, then you probably feel like he could just randomly do it again one day. I know I would.

 

He hasn't given you a straight answer about why he did it, probably because that would involve sitting down and seriously thinking and talking through and focusing on this really terrible thing he did. No one really wants to do that. He was probably so relieved that you didn't dwell on it so much. I honestly don't see how you are going to get over it if he can't tell you why he did it.

 

Once he figures out why he did it, you can can talk about ways to prevent it from ever happening again. I mean, come on, people who are a few months from getting married do not just randomly start sexting with their ex. he owes it to you and your marriage to work out what led up to his hurtful behavior. Maybe a counselor would help you be able to talk through it. If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that was non-negotiable.

 

Good luck and hang in there!

[hers]

I asked him why she was so special that he had to do something like that with her and he said she wasn't, she was just available. But I was available. I was always available. I don't get his logic. He gets mad bc I can't predict how I'll feel about this in the future, like he asks "are you ever gonna be able to get over it!" how am I supposed to know? He said "do you even want to get over it?"

 

I'd so love to not feel this way anymore. There's no way I'd sit here like this forever if I could help it.

 

Hes willing to go tocounseling on his own but I wonder how much of it will really just be going for me, even if he goes on his own.

 

The pain is unbearable sometimes. I feel like my heart is literally going to explode when it gets like this. He just left to

Go to his friend's house to watch football. I'm gonna see a movie by myself tonight. I just don't want to be around anyone. I want to sleep for days.

[Seraphim]

Honey, you are a BEAUTIFUL woman!!! I have met you I KNOW. I can tell a beautiful person on sight with one meeting. Don't look back love. You live today. Trust today and what you are both doing TODAY. Look at how he treats you TODAY. You have grown in enormous ways. Really. You both CAN make it. I can see the love between you in how you talk. Trust yourself and trust today. I can not tell you HOW to do that it is just something you do.

 

*hugs*

[penelope13]

Hes willing to go tocounseling on his own but I wonder how much of it will really just be going for me, even if he goes on his own.

 

Take what you can get, i.e if he goes to counseling 'only on your behalf' and it helps, so what that you needed to ask him for it. If that's what it takes, then do it/ask for it. Don't make it impossible for yourself and him by only accepting things under perfect circumstances (i.e if he would go voluntarily). That is where you need to do the compromising: accepting that he needs to be told/shown sometimes what you need/want from him.

 

There is no point hoping that one day he will wake up and magically know exactly what you want and need without you having told him so. If you need something and he doesn't arrive at that point by himself- then tell him. That is what you can and should do. Instead of bending in all directions to change yourself because he doesn't seem to be getting the need to change also by himself.