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Broke up after five years, need help.

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Where to begin?


I met this girl when I was 16, and both of us were still in highschool. It was the most innocent thing you could imagine...both of us being silly and romantic...flirting all the time until one day I confessed that I loved her, and she said she felt the same way. We started dating, but it was strained because her parents were Vietnamese and very strict. Still, I put in a lot of effort to make it work between us. I'd travel for hours and meet up with her at random volunteering events -- we'd use those as an excuse to meet up without her parents knowing about me since they didn't want her dating until she was 20. Over the next few years, it pretty much went on like that, seeing each other pretty infrequently, but staying in contact through texts, IMs and phone.


Despite the distance, we were in love, and willing to fight for each other at the time.


Then University started, and we thought all our problems would get better. She had more control of her life, she could spend more time with me -- and we did. I wasn't going to school at the time due to having to assist my disabled parents financially, but I still came at least once a week to the university to spend time with her. Everything was wonderful.


There were some speedbumps though. She started working to pay for school, and during her time working as a lifeguard at a pool, came into contact with another guy. I was suspicious of him because she liked to talk about him a lot, which from past experience, had my alarm bells ringing. When I finally confronted her over him, she said she had a crush on him, but worked out her feelings and decided she wanted to stay with me.


I was pretty crushed, and I never really got over it. We as a couple recovered, but I never really let go of that bitterness or suspicion, though I didn't really make it known.


Eventually, things moved onward and finally, after about four years of "dating", she told her parents about me, and brought me home to them. I met them, but I felt like they never really took a shine to me. I would later learn that every time she said she was going to hang out with me caused an argument to break out at home -- they really didn't like me, although I had done nothing to earn their scorn other than love their daughter.


We pushed forward, even though I personally was having some doubts about our relationship. I wasn't sure if I felt the intense love for her that I used to. It killed me inside to be with her, hear her tell me that she loved me, and not be able to reciprocate those feelings truthfully.


Eventually, I came to the realization that I was comfortable with her, and that perhaps the years of effort I'd put in had just worn me down. One way or the other, I thought things were getting better between us.


Then everything went south. For several months, she was very distant, unaffectionate, and made excuses not to spend time with me. Even when we DID spend time together, I was sad and depressed because she just felt so far away. I was sure at this point there had to be another guy, which drove me even further into a depressive rut.


Meanwhile, she got more and more distant until the bomb finally dropped. One particularly bad day, I came to her. I explained that I missed her profusely, and what we had only months before. I told her that I felt she was being distant, and not showing me any affection.


I had expected this to be a cathartic conversation where she would tell me I was being stupid and that she loved me.


It wasn't.


The bomb finally dropped. She told me that she wasn't sure how she felt about me romantically any more...That she had a lot of fun with me, but sometimes I just felt like a friend to her. I was crushed. I blew up at her, and told her exactly what I felt. I had been the one putting in all the effort. She was being selfish, and treating me like a piece of ****. I was broken. My whole world had just shattered before my eyes. I told her we shouldn't talk any more and tried to split cleanly.


This didn't last, though. By the third day, I was going absoloutely crazy. I missed her, I loved her so much, I wanted her back. I couldn't live without her.


So I called her up.


We had a long talk, during which she told me she wasn't sure if I was right for her because she felt that I had been very mellow, boring and sad recently (I was, due to her being so distant, so it was a catch 22)


In the end, we both resolved to give it an honest shot...or so I thought.


The first week was amazing. It was like falling in love with her all over again. Late night talks, laughing, joking, being romantic...things felt like they could really improve. She asked to meet up with me and I said yes.


The next day, she texted me to tell me that her mother told her she couldn't come to see me (she's been constantly talking with her mom about her feelings for me and our relationship, so she's in the know about all of this)


Of course, I was angry. She's an adult, why should she call off our plans because her mom said no? Still, I bit my tongue as I always had. If I was worried about exacerbating things in the past, the recent turn of events had kicked my worry into overdrive. I stayed quiet and told her that we'd just plan another meeting later.


Then she started talking to me differently, treating me differently. It wasn't anything rude...but she was just so distant to me...acting like we were even less than friends. Obviously this hurt me a lot, so with nothing to lose, I asked her what was going on.


At which point she broke up with me again. She said that she had to be honest and that her feelings for me weren't as strong as mine were for her now, if they ever were at all. She said that she couldn't put in the honest try I wanted because of that discrepancy in our feelings for eachother -- that her try would never be as "honest" as mine. She apologized for wasting my time, and wished me the best. I told her that I didn't want to be in contact because I needed to heal my shattered heart, and she said she would give me the space I needed, and hoped that we would meet again in the future.


So my relationship of five years, with my highschool sweetheart, with whom I had entered university (the same university as her, so that we could spend more time together), who I had shared so many wonderful times with and had been the center of my life for half a decade, came to an end.


I'm crushed. It takes all I have to not just go out, find a high place and leap off. All I can do is sit in the dark and sob. Everything in my life reminds me of her. How could it not? We'd been a pair since highschool, all the way through her four years of university and the first two of mine...everything in my life up to this point was centered around her and our future together...and now it's gone.


I don't know what to do with myself. I can't even get out of bed in the morning. I find myself contemplating ending my life more than once a day. I've talked to friends and family...though I don't really have that many around these days, and they all tell me that things will look up...that I'll be happy and find love again...but how can I? Every second of my life has been engrossed with my relationship, and that hasn't changed now that it's over. I think about her every second...first thing in the morning and last thing at night...but not like I used to. Now the thought of her just makes me want to break down.


She's not mine anymore. I'll never hold her in my arms again. I'll never kiss her lips again. The thoughts just tear me up inside and I can't bear it.


I don't know what to do about it.


People have been telling me that I'll get better in time...well it's been about six weeks and for a while I was doing okay...but once school started again and I started going to places we'd been, being reminded of the time we spent together, I just fell right back down into this pit of despair. I've spoken to a doctor and a counsellor, and the advice has been largely the same...

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I'm older than you and just had my first love as well. Letting go of her is difficult and painful, there will be days you feel like you have move on yet there will be sad days. I believe that if a long time passes and we reunite, I, with out doubt, accept her again acknowledging her past with and without me as I did once.


I gave my virginity to her, meaning I accepted her the way she was, her past and who she will become. She's now in that future I'm willing to accept. During this time we may go to other hearts. And if that day when we reunite comes, I will offer the same to her. There is nothing other than innocent love I have to offer her.


Be content of having the chance to experience that love you wrote about my friend. I was touched by it.

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British19, bro I so feel your pain. Just reading your post hurt me

My first love of 3.5 years left me, and worst of all she started dating some other guy a week after... I really truly loved her.

I know how much you hurt, I know you can't sleep, i know when you wake you wish it was all dream. I know you type her number into your phone but never hit the send button. I know every single thing in your possession reminds you of her in one way or another.

Believe me my dear bro, I know how you feel, your mind and heart feel like they are in a vice. Im not over my ex, and i don't know when i will be... but i know i can't go back in time or fix things... so what do i do ? I absorb the hurt, and take it one day at a time, what else do you have to do ? let it hurt, count your loses and proceed.

as for all the places that remind you of her, i feel you on that one too, you have just your school.. my whole city reminds me of her ! every street, every store, every movie theatre and mall. But what i have learned is that as you start to visit those places more and more without her, your memories of those places with her, start to be replaced with new memories without her.


and on the note of suicide, NO GIRL IS WORTH YOUR LIFE OR WELL BEING!!! please don't let these thoughts run through your head, it will make you feel worthless, which you are not, from what i can tell you are a true honest compassionate dude, there are thousands of girls out there who would kill for a guy like you.


keep busy keep bust keep busy, that the key to moving on. meet other people. take up a hobby, go to the gym, read a book, go out for long walks/runs


you will be ok... in due time.


PM me with you want to talk, heck you can even have my phone number or whats app number and we can chat when ever you or i feel down, sounds gay, but guys in the same boat need to stick together.


keep us posted bro!

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