Well he did it...What do I do now?

[deana36]

I have two other post on here. I was asking advice on a boyfriend that was distancing himself and not calling or seeing me. Well, today I went out of town and got a phone call finally from him. He said " I wont be coming to see you anymore. Its not that I want to break up, Its what I feel I have to do since we are not moving forward."

Well, we just went thru a miscarriage. He promised me he wouldnt leave. Well, he did. I dont have anyone to talk to because I havent told anyone because I didnt want people bringing it up all the time and making me cry. We were going to deal with this together. Now, I am alone dealing with it. We were together 6 years.

We both have good jobs and I was upset because I wanted more of a commitment if i was to pack up and move to his town. Just to know I wouldnt be a live-in girlfriend forever. He couldnt give me that and would just say he would give me more when I actually moved. Well, I am just trying to deal with all these left over hormones from the loss of my baby and now a breakup. I am sitting here numb, then sad, then angry. I wanted to talk it thru but when i asked him if i could talk to him later when i got home about it he said he might not answer. So, I just agreed to the breakup and told him If that was what he wanted.. in which he said it wasnt what he wanted but was what he must do. So, I said to him Okay, I dont this but if you feel it is best then okay and told him I had considered it also. I didnt want him to think he had all the power over things. He hadnt called in a week. He almost disappeared besides texting on occasion. I always was cheerful as I could be with my replies. I just knew he must be considering breaking up because he had mentioned it right after the loss. How do I deal? What do I do? How do you close a 6 year + chapter of your life when you were even considering giving up all you know to be with that person. I have always gave to him. ALways been there for him. Now, all the memories, the loss, and now this breakup. I feel so overwhelmed..

And, I dont want him out of my life. I want to call but I know he will just be hateful to me because he is trying to push me away and thats what he does. I know I have to leave him alone but is it wrong I want him to come back? I still want to hear from him?

[Keykey]

Im so sorry for your lost of the baby, it is hard really to deal with this kind of situations. What was the plan when he knows that ur pregnant before ?

[gtnovru]

OP, this is a break-up... and you've come to the right place for help.

 

It's perfectly okay that you want him to come back - you didn't want the BU, so of course you want him back.

 

Have you ever had your heartbroken before? If not, this may be one of the hardest things you have to do - getting over him, that is. Adding the loss of a baby to the BU - of course makes it so much more difficult. I know from experience : (

 

He might come back, he might not. In the meantime, you have to go NC and focus on yourself. The coming months are about making it through this storm. And if you're completely devastated over the BU, it will be a roller coaster of emotions.

 

Many on here are going through it too. You're not alone.

[markie6]

It's not wrong you want him back or want to contact him , it's perfectly normal thinking at a time like this , am so sorry you're going through this. As the other have said you have come to the right place which will help you , loads of us are going through rough patches , at different stages of healing from what are life altering events. hug for you

 

Your thinking about contacting him and it making him hateful and pushing you away is correct, best to try your best to leave him be , for both of you to be able to think a little more clearly. Sorry you're having go through this

[deana36]

In response to Keykey...before when he knew I was pregnant he was happy at first saying we would get married. Then, within a week he was confused saying he loved me but didnt know if he was in love with me. He talked about moving to my location and then went back and forth on that also.

[deana36]

I am so confused today. Today it has been three days since ex broke up with me. I am going thru the thoughts of how I wish I would have appreciated the things he did do for me instead of what he didnt do. Thing is, I was always seeming to have to push for us.When he broke things off he just cried and said it wasnt what he wanted though. I am so back and forth on this. I am trying to not contact him. I wont.. I honestly feel I can stick to it.. at least for awhile. I am doing whatever I can to stay busy but its hard. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I just wonder so many things. The negative thoughts overflooded me today while at work. We broke up once before a few years ago. He came back. I know we talked about us not being a couple that broke up,got back together all the time. I cant help but wish to have him want me back.

Part of me thinks we needed to separate just so he can figure out in his head is he wants to be without me. Maybe he needs to date others to realize things. I dont think there is another but not stupid to think it isnt a possibility eventually. Is that stupid to think? I guess I always thought if someone loves you enough and they are the one then you will eventually hear from them when they cant fill that void even with another.Thoughts?

[nutbrownhare]

Deana - having to deal with a breakup like this is bad enough, without all the trauma of a miscarriage on top of it. You must be going through sheer hell right now.

 

However, you are not alone. Don't look to your ex-partner for support; he's more likely to cause you more pain than to support you, and you need to cut him out of your life. If you don't want to talk about the miscarriage to people you know, then seek counselling - but crying is one thing you totally NEED to do, to get the grieving out of your system and enable you ultimately to move on. You need stability, this guy is never going to provide it - however, there are probably other people who will. Take a look at all your friends and family; there are likely people who you can trust to be there for you and provide varying degrees of emotional support, depending on the relationship.

 

It's not him that you want - you've already established that he is confused, self-centred and unreliable - it's more of a fantasy based on what a relationship could be, letting go of the fantasy, all the hopes and dreams, is as painful as letting go of the relationship itself. He is never going to give you what you need, and YOU need to let go of the hope that he ever would. If you think he would be hateful towards you, you're probably right. So focus on people who will love and care for you, whether in a friendly or professional capacity. All your energy needs to be focused on yourself right now.

 

(((HUGS)))

[deana36]

I feel so alone and overwhelmed. He changed his fb status to single. I'm here crying. I can't understand how and why. I feel completely hopeless. I want to call him. Please help. Would it be worse if I do call? I just want to know why

[reptilegirl]

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I would delete him as a friend on FB. DOn't call, start to mo on.

[nutbrownhare]

Block him on Facebook; as far as you can, get rid of anything which will remind you of what he's up to. There's no reason to think he'll be any better if you do call than he has been in the recent past, and this will cause you even more pain than you're in at the moment.

 

This guy has already shown you that he wants a life without you, and that he is brutal and uncaring.

 

In time, you will feel relieved that you didn't turn your life upside down to be with him. It would have been SO much worse for you now if you had. As it is, you still have your job and your friends - which you wouldn't have had if you'd moved to another town. You have been spared the stress of moving. Because he doesn't live locally, you area not likely to run into him when going about your business. You have a lot of painful grieving to do, and make sure that you get plenty of support as you do so.

 

But actually you have a much better foundation on which to build than if you had relocated to be with him.