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I was 14 she came into my bed


bluez

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I think I was 14 im not really sure I only know because when I was sixteen my cousin died, and thats when she stopped doing stuff with me. And I know it went on for about two years. I was in my bed asleep when I felt someone get in the bed with me, I looked over and it was my Aunt. She was in her teens. She then picked me up and pulled me on top of her and pulled my pants down. I dont remember much but I remember masturbating on her, she was masturbating on me. I felt dirty and confused and I hated myself. Even now I get distressed thinking about it. Her hands were all over me and I didnt know what to do. I just went along with it. Was this my fault, I was a virgin Id never slept with anyone. Did I do this. This went on for two years, she would come into my bed. She said dont tell anyone about this. when she would come to stay at my parents house I would try and stay in my room but my mum would say to me , go stay outside in the visitors house with your aunt. I hated it, but I didnt know how to tell my mum. When she would have me masturbate on her I would always orgasm and thats when she would stop. I hated it yet my body ........... felt like it betrayed me. Shes my mothers sister. then she left the country and said she was never coming back. And for the odd visit she was never in my life. Then one day she came back and moved back to the city where my two sisters and parents live. Now everytime I go home to ma parents (i live in another city) I have to see her. She hugs me and I want to vomit, she talks to me as if nothing happened and I want to scream at her...........WHY WHY WHY. I use to be a happy child. But what scares me the most and stops me from sleeping, is the possibility that she might do this to my nieces and nephews. Since she returned I have been in some type of suspended hell. If I tell what happened it will destroy my mum, if I dont tell this woman might hurt the children.............

 

Well I have had another bout of depression due to work pressures. When Im at work I seem so confident but something usually happens and I freeze up (I usually get bullied alot no matter where I go). This time my doctor says I am suffereing from Post traumatic stress syndrome. When she told me this and described to me what it means (flash backs, lack sleep, fear panic attacks etc) I wondered if what happened to me at 14 was my trigger since my Aunt had come back into our family circle just recently

 

I have now booked to see a counsellor and spoken to two of my sisters and warned them, protect the children. I have also said please dont tell my mum. Mum has a heart condition, if she died because of this I could never live with this. I have one more sister to tell and then the children will be safe.

 

Mums sister is now living in another city and doesnt have access to the children like she use to, but Ima make sure my other sister knows. Im scared so scared, if the children are hurt because I have said nothing all these years....................

 

And was it my fault, i mean I did orgasm. I get so confused.............my aunt use to make me walk behind her when she took me with her and her friends. She said Im just stupid and it doesnt really matter.

 

Does anyone have a story like this..................I feel so guilty. And all my life I have suffered from depression and guilt. I was just 14 and my innocence was stolen.

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I'm so sorry. This type of thing has never happened to me, so I can't say I understand how you feel. But I really am sorry, and I do know that it is NOT your fault at all. That's obvious to anyone who reads your post. Please don't blame yourself.

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You keep asking if somehow this was your fault, and the answer to that question is no. There is no way in which you were responsible for what happened. I am certified in substance abuse and I want to warn you that most people who abuse drugs and/or alcohol suffered from some type of sexual abuse and what they are trying to do is numb the way they feel with a substance. You did not mention if you have turned to self-medication as a means to feel better, but I just want to point this out so that you will think twice if you find yourself considering that as a means to alleviate your guilty and depressed feeling about the matter. You say that you are going to see a counselor regarding this. That is excellent. Please return to this site and let us know how you are doing. You will find many caring people here.....

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An orgasm is a reflex action which happens after a certain amount of stimulation and blood pressure. It's no more your fault than any other reflex, such as a knee jerk when you're knee is tapped. It certainly doesn't mean you loved it.

 

And it's certainly nothing you should be feeling guilty for. Unfortunately many people who have been abused sexually feel guilty - when the guilt should really belong to the perpetrator. If you can tap into your - completely justifiable - anger, it should chase away the guilt.

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