The randomness that is me...

[lilypadgirl]

Four months out. I can't believe it's the summer already.

 

The last two weeks have gone by so fast. Between hosting a coauthor, work service, dealing with data, unpacking into my new place, volunteering, shows, and meeting with friends, it's been a whirlwind of stuff. It's good to keep busy.

 

One of the friends he introduced me to got engaged today. On top of being happy for the couple, seeing that announcement gave me a strange feeling I can't figure out. It's a mixture between sadness and confirmation. Sadness that when we were first introduced, this friend was single and now he is happily engaged after a long distance relationship. Confirmation that after five years, if he isn't sure he wants to be with me, he was never going to be sure he wants to be with me and that I wasn't wrong to expect a stronger commitment.

 

This past month was rough due to the indirect contact. The hardest part was dealing with the thought that maybe, just maybe, he will understand me and figure out what he wants and find that what he wants is me and realizing that nothing will change and that all the growth and reflections will go to the next girl and he will be the loving, affectionate, committed man for her that he couldn't for me.

 

When I was little I used to love fairy tales and the idea of true love and happily ever after. I was so sad thinking I might never have my fairy tale romance, but I was reflecting the other day I realized that who said that I didn't and that it's not a happily ever after? Sometimes great loves lead to great heartbreaks. But it doesn't mean all this was for nothing. We would always look back on this and know that there was a great love story here. And with that thought in mind, as I heal into calmness and acceptance, I wrote this tribute to celebrate this chapter in my life.

 

---

 

That once upon a time there was a guy who loved a girl very much to the best of his abilities and a girl who loved a guy very much to the best of her abilities. Even though they loved each other, they lived in different places and wanted different things out of life. This prevented them from being together and caused them to do hurtful things to each other. And seeing each other so sad and conflicted broke their hearts and they knew that the most loving and selfless thing they could do is to let each other go and separately find their happiness and places in life and cherish their love forever in their memories and hearts. And that means it all mattered. And that is enough.

 

And they lived happily ever after. The end.

 

---

 

I am grateful for love stories. I am grateful for the journey and the lessons. I am grateful for the emotions that remind me, "One sees clearly only with the heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye." (The Little Prince - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry)

 

And I am grateful to great loves. The ones that end up together and the ones that end up apart, regardless they always end happily ever after.

 

Onwards and upwards - lots of things to cherish and lots more things to experience. Next week will be fun. Going to meet up and spend some fun times hiking, biking, and paddling on the lake with my girlfriends before a work conference. I am grateful for good friends and an awesome life. I am grateful for my happily ever after.

[lilypadgirl]

Minor relapse last couple of days. He's been appearing in my dreams. Nothing major, just a cameo here and there. Maybe it's because of being in Tahoe last week or because of what he wrote or because I've been healing and this is my heart's last ditch efforts to hold onto him.

 

Being in Tahoe was nice. But it's hard not to think of him since he goes there so often, enjoying all that beauty with others. Though, I'm glad I didn't go with him. All that shared beauty would have made moving on more difficult.

 

It was hard not to respond to what he wrote. Really though, how could I have responded that would make both of us feel safe? It's not like he said it directly to me and asked for feedback or changed his mind about us and wanted to talk and work things out. Should is not will. Words are not actions. He just needed to vent his feelings and he deserves that. Still, it was both helpful and sad to read what he wrote. Helpful to understand his point of views better. Sad to realize how differently we interpreted the situations between us. It would have been so painful to keep that gift, a constant reminder that after five years, he doesn't remember I don't have pierced ears, even though he remarked on it before. I didn't realize how hurt and rejected he must have felt. Though I thought I had handled that kindly and positively, even humorously and still stayed true to myself. Sad to realize that he doesn't understand the biggest hurt from her wasn't her herself. It was that he never told me about her even though we agreed to tell each other. That the trust and sense of intimacy was broken. How can I ever be sure he isn't hiding something from me again or be sure that the intimacy I felt between us was real and exclusive, especially with the OKC thing following so closely to that. But sad, most of all, to realize he remembers me in such negative ways. In his eyes, I am the negative, overly emotional, critical girl. He forgets the times I encouraged, supported, appreciated, and comforted him. Yet I hope he knows that I remember him kindly and gratefully. I have moments of anger and bitterness from how he treated me at the end, but as I heal those moments are fewer and fewer and I realize that is just the conflicts from the relationship and not him, the person I loved and respect. But, his truth is his and mine is mine. Sadly, we could not work things out and combine them into our truth.

 

At the end of the day, I am at peace knowing that he tried his best and I tried mine. Though I made many mistakes, I really only have one regret. I wish I had talked to him more about his childhood and understood his pain from his parents' divorce better. I sensed his vulnerability early on and if I had only handled it better, maybe it could have helped me understand his fears and thought process better and helped me figure out how to make him feel safe and loved before all the negativity and conflict poisoned us. In my eyes, that perhaps is my biggest failure. But, I forgive myself and realize that I, alone, couldn't have been able to fix things. It doesn't excuse the pain I caused from my mistakes, but I accept that I have been trying to find my way with the purest of hearts and sincerest of intentions and I forgive myself.

 

I've started to date again. The summer and sun helps. It's nice to be able to wear pretty, summery things and have guys treat me with attention and warmth. I feel happier and more carefree than I have in a long time. I am healing more and more. Yet, as I start to move on, the part of me that still loves him, that always will love him, is starting to rebel, sending me dreams, reminding me of him. I just have to remind myself this is a natural part of the healing process. The distance between us that used to feel like a knife twisting in my heart, now feels like medicine. It tastes bitter but I know it is good for me. We are both healing and moving on and that is the most important thing.

 

I will always care about him and a piece of my heart will always be dedicated to him. His presence in my life has changed who I am and I am grateful to him for it. I am grateful for time and distance and perspective. Truly they are the great healers. But I know we must move on and perhaps he has already. Though it hurts to think of him with someone new, I sincerely hope he finds happiness with someone who can make him feel safe and loved. I look forward to finding the same.

[lilypadgirl]

Five months out. I'm feeling mostly stable and enjoying the summer, though work pressure is starting to pile up and time is starting to pass too quickly.

 

I can tell that, like me, he has been healing and reflecting too. His words and insights touch me. There were so many missed bids on both sides. It is so sad. I am glad he is reflecting and becoming more self-aware. But I hope he doesn't focus on "wrongs". We both made mistakes and we both missed on each other - and the long distance made things so much more difficult.

 

But I am no longer bitter. On the contrary, I have a lot of trust. I trust that we are both people with smart brains, moral compasses, and good hearts who genuinely want to continuously improve ourselves and find true love. I trust that he will figure out in his own way how to deal with conflict and be at peace with his fears. I trust that I will figure out in my own way how to deal with uncertainty and be peace with my emotions. And I believe we will succeed.

 

Life may not always give us what we want, but it will always give us what we need. This journey with all its beauty and pain is what we both needed to grow into the people we are meant to be. And I believe we will succeed.

 

I am grateful to him and to the relationship we shared. I will treasure and cherish it always.

[lilypadgirl]

Sigh, I had a rough week last week too after meeting our mutual friend and talking about him. She was so optimistic about us and it made me emotional again. It was hard reading about his dream. It was so sad, so full of ... wistfulness. It's even sadder to think that we might not meet again for a long time if ever. But what are the odds with him way over there and I'm way over here.

 

It's hard thinking on our good times. We did have so many good times. But they were mostly clustered in the first year and half. The last three years were so full of frustration and pining and hurt. I wanted so much to share new experiences with him, create new memories, travel on new adventures, snuggle at home, and be happy and in love. But I just couldn't. Not when I was so insecure, not knowing what I meant to him and not knowing if he could ever commit to me, if he could ever understand me, not feeling like he wanted to spend time with me and make plans with me. In turn, my insecurity and emotions just pushed him further away and made him more anxious and fearful. Missed chances. We had so many missed chances. In the end, we couldn't make each other feel safe and ended up hurting each other too much.

 

I'm going on a vacation to Cancun next month. I'm both excited and anxious. I really need a vacation with all this work stress and just need some time to unwind before the intenseness of October. Work has been really stressful with my mid-term review coming up. I keep having stress dreams. A seminar talk and five conference presentations in October will have me on edge until late October. So it'll be really nice to get away for a bit. But being there will bring back memories of reading on the beach and bouncing around in the water, even getting sick and being a hostage. Unfortunately I didn't get to choose - my friend found too good of a deal and it is easy to travel to. At least it isn't not Playa Del Carmen.

 

I know he's been learning and moving on. It makes me happy for him that he will build better relationships and wistful for us. But I will always want him to be happy and feel safe. As I told our mutual friend, in the end, I am just glad that we meant something real to each other. That's enough for me.

[lilypadgirl]

Six months out. It's hard to believe half a year has passed. I'm glad that he's working on the issues and it's insightful to understand his side of the situation. Many times I want to reply or fill in my side of the conversation, but I wouldn't know where to start or whether to open that can of pain again.

 

He's right that I wanted to be reassured. Everyone wants be in a place where they belong, to be with a person who accepts them. I especially did given my background and childhood experiences. It wasn't easy for me growing up. I was made fun and sometimes bullied and felt like I didn't fit in or belonged. Over time, with mostly positive experiences, I had forgotten that part of my childhood and felt like I knew how to belong. Perhaps, subconsciously, being with him triggered and reminded me of that deep and old need for me to be accepted and understood by the very culture that I felt rejected by in childhood. Perhaps that is part of my fear of rejection and abandonment. The other part probably has to do with my relationship with my parents.

 

When he said that, I felt so rejected and insecure. And those feelings just became more and more compounded the more and more he doubted about us, about me, and couldn't commit. He said he didn't want to tell me about her because he was afraid to lose me, but he doesn't realize that just made me feel like a backup - someone to be with only if it didn't work out with her. That's why I asked him whether it was he that dumped her or she that dumped him. Because in the former, I'd know he chose me, but in the latter I'd feel like the consolation prize. I deserve to be someone's first choice. I deserve someone who accepts me - flaws and all.

 

I understand his side of the situation better though. I can see how scary it must have been for him. I should have been more understanding of his childhood trauma. We come from very different backgrounds. We ended up triggering each other worst fears and reacted in ways completely opposite to what we each needed. I needed to know that even with the conflicts, he is committed to us and me. Yet he couldn't commit until he knew that I can limit the conflict. In turn, his lack of commitment made me more insecure, resulting in more conflict. A vicious cycle. In the end, we each let our own fears get the better of us. He couldn't see how his lack of commitment helped to create the conflict or how his reassurance could have helped the situation. I couldn't see how my emotions were causing him to flood or how I could have communicated differently to help keep the calm. In the end, a lot of missed bids and lost opportunities.

 

Bringing this up is getting me emotional again. I need to focus on healing and I need to focus on work. The next two months are crazy busy at work. I am grateful I found a new yoga place which I hope will help with my stress levels and get more exercise in. Gotta keep swimmin'.

[lilypadgirl]

Seven months out.

 

Just got back from a vacation to Cancun. Went to an all inclusive place where they took care of all the food and drinks. It was so relaxing. Though I brought my laptop and did some work, writing a paper at a desk is definitely not the same as writing on a cabana by the beach. Luckily I didn't get sick this time, but I did get a sunburn and developed a sun rash despite my SPF 100.

 

Unfortunately, I didn't realize the hotel had changed its name in the past 2-3 years. It turned out that it was the exact same hotel he and I went to many years ago. What were the odds of that? Randomly select a hotel from expedia that had an all-inclusive package and it turns out to be the same one. I didn't know until the shuttle was driving up that same drive and that same driveway and I was thinking wow this looks strangely so familiar. I knew as soon as I saw the palm beach furniture and memories of him sitting in a robe on the couch smiling flooded back at me. Life has a funny sense of humor. C'est la vie.

 

It's hard being back from vacation, especially during a work crunch. I have less than a month to put together so many things for my review packet and prepare for a seminar and a conference. One step at a time.

[lilypadgirl]

I had a dream about him last night. I haven't dreamt about him in months. It was a happy dream - we went on vacation and had fun. I remember feeling joy and laughter. I woke feeling happy and warm, so different from the other dreams about him full of fear, anxiety, and loss. I know it's due to vacationing in the same hotel, but still it brings up feelings of wistfulness, knowing we will never have that again. But I am grateful for the happy dream. I'd like to remember us that way.

 

I know he is moving on and I'm happy for him. I hope he figures out what he wants from life and love. I hope he finds someone he can commit to and feel safe with. I miss talking to him and sharing interesting articles with him, but honestly I wouldn't know what to say. There's too much emotional history. We've never been just friends and I don't know how to be that with him. Maybe one day when we're both healed and moved on, we can find our way to friendship. I hope we do, but I'm not ready yet.

[lilypadgirl]

Over eight months out and just finished with some work craziness. Had some major work firsts - stressful but exhilarating. Hopefully I can keep pace. It's only going to get busier and crazier. Work is intense and will only get more intense as I worry about keeping my job. Most likely I won't be able to, but I'm actually okay with that. I have down moments, but I feel pretty confident about my future in general. I'm sure I will get a job somewhere somehow. I'm a smart gal and according to someone from my seminar, I have good command of a room. I'm sure I'll be able to put that to good use somehow.

 

I still think about him at times. Part of me will always love him and care about him and want to know he's happy and healthy. But I recognize that we weren't right for each other. There's an element of wistfulness about that. I guess part of me will always believe that we could have made it work if only... But ah well, c'est la vie. I think I'm mostly healed. I've learned a lot, about myself, about love, about life. I'm sure I still have a lot more to learn, but I'm actually pretty happy with life.

 

I want him to be happy and find someone. I worry that he keeps thinking himself into a rabbit hole. I've been there and it's a miserable place. He thinks that dating with the goal to marry isn't working. But I hope he realizes that he didn't date with the goal to marry. He's dated with the goal to never get divorced - and he's been successful at it. While, that is a noble goal, it reminds me a bit of focusing too much on type II errors and has the effect of throwing out the baby with the bathwater. I hope he learns to trust and feel safe with someone. But ultimately, I think he just hasn't met the right person. The part that loves him hopes he finds the right person soon. The part that is selfish hopes it's not before I do. Heh, I'm a complex person.

 

I am grateful for life and opportunities. I seriously need to catch up on some sleep and I'm looking forward to a more balanced routine after this past month. Going to an AIDS walk next weekend and got some new workout clothes so I can hopefully get some hiking in just in time for fall foliage. Nothing motivates more than a cute new outfit.

[lilypadgirl]

I can't believe that it's been one year already. Time passes too quickly. So many things have been done this past year and yet so many things left to do this coming year. I just hope to get over being sick soon so I can tackle all of life's craziness, excitement, and adventures.

 

I hope he is happy, healthy, and well and that he is having a good start to the new year.

[lilypadgirl]

If I could sum up the past year in two songs, they would be:

From me to him last January through May:

From the new him to me today:

 

I will always remember him as a painful but beautiful part of my life. I hope he finds happiness with someone new and hopes he remembers that the greatest rewards in life takes risks and commitment. I'm glad we took a risk once upon a time and will always cherish that. I hope all his dreams come true and that he remembers to be a bit more silly with life and choose a girl who makes him laugh more.

 

If I could have a final toast with him, I would toast to both of us, new beginnings.

[lilypadgirl]

Things are getting so busy. Have to remind myself to take time out no matter how hard for myself.

A friend sent me a book recommendation that seems to be relevant: link removed

A couple of things to remind myself:

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I still like to watch an episode of comedy before bed so I can go to bed in better spirits. One step at a time. No matter what happens everything will be okay.

[lilypadgirl]

Found out today that a colleague from my work place is dating someone from his work place. Both of them hold similar positions that we do. I was half amused and half bothered by the coincidence. Half of me wishes that they will succeed because I wanted to believe that making a long distance relationship with our work loads and stresses wasn't such an impossible dream. Half of me wishes that they won't because then I wouldn't feel like such a failure for not making us work. I guess misery loves company? Does that make me a bad person? Ah well, no regrets. We both tried our best and life has moved on and now in a comfortable and peaceful place. Still, don't know why hearing this made me a little jittery.

[lilypadgirl]

I can't believe it's almost October. Where did the summer go? Feeling a bit burned out from working and just the endless pressure to keep going and the ticking clock. Really need to find some outlet to destress and think about the things that really matter in life. I really must make an extra effort to work out more, sleep regularly, and eat better.

 

It sounds like he is going through a really tough time. I wish I could tell him to take it one day at a time and encourage him to take a small vacation. Maybe organize some friends to go on a day trip to the local wineries or go hiking in nature. I hope he has the support there to help him through this time and reassure him that things will be okay.

 

I keep creating goals for work, I don't know why I never focused on goals for my personal self or spiritual growth.

 

My goal: Finding something to laugh about everyday.

 

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[lilypadgirl]

Things are so busy and intense that sometimes I feel like I don't even have a chance to take a breath. This is such a critical time in my life with major decisions on the horizon. On the one hand, work is more intense than ever as the time ticks away and the countdown is ever looming over me. Things at work have never been so pressured and uncertain, which is causing me a lot of stress. I have to figure out my next steps and what I want to do in the bad-case scenario. At the same time, things in my personal life have ever been slowly stabilizing and similarly, I have to figure out my next steps and what I want to do. Either case, my life will be decided over the next few months. It makes me both dread and eager for the future - what an interesting conundrum. I only have this one life and there are so many possibilities.

 

There is never so much pain and stress as being uncertain. Once a decision is made, either way things will be okay.

 

It sounds like he has made his decision regarding what he wants. I am happy for him and I know that he will find happiness and peace. I will always wish him the best.

[lilypadgirl]

Hard to believe that it's been years, plural, since we last directly talked. Time and life passes so quickly now.

 

It's his birthday today and I hope he is having a happy and fun one surrounded by people that love and support him.

 

I can't wait for the quiet serenity of the holiday season when the world slows down and everything becomes cozier, fuzzier, and warmer. Looking forward to a good 2015.

[lilypadgirl]

I heard from a friend that he is engaged. I'm very happy for him and wish that there will always be a lot of love and laughter in his life with his partner.

 

Life is funny like that - you never know where it will lead. I never imagined that just a few years later we both have moved on ready to take the next steps in life. I will always cherish the memories and the past and those that shared the journey with me.

 

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I've been reading a lot this year. I'm excited to start this book once the library gets it. link removed

[lilypadgirl]

I recently heard about his dad. It must be a really difficult time for him. I hope his dad will be able to adjust quickly and take care of himself better. I'm glad he has someone by his side to help him through this. Life is so short - make the most of every day.

[lilypadgirl]

This must be such a heartbreaking time for him. I'm glad he was able to share his thoughts and heart with his dad and I hope he has the chance to go back and visit and spend some time with him. I think that will bring some comfort to both him and his dad. It's also so important to take care of oneself at this time.

 

“Remember me with smiles and laughter, for that is how I will remember you all. If you can only remember me with tears, then don’t remember me at all.”

– Laura Ingles Wilder

[lilypadgirl]

Just heard about his father passing. Wow. What a tragic time for him. I'm glad he is not going through this alone. How does one ever prepare to lose a loved one? I hope he is coping okay. It's good to see that he is focusing on the positives and in honoring his father's memory. I hope he remembers to take the time for himself to grieve as well.

 

“To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.”

― Thomas Campbell

[lilypadgirl]

Wow, I can't believe it's 2016 already. How time flies and how things change.

 

2015 was a volatile year for me, moments of extreme happiness (engagement) and disappointment (bully at work and not getting tenure). I think 2016 will be an equally volatile year, but one marked by new beginnings. New relationship stage and new job and new lifestyle and I think most important, new mentality.

 

This time of the year always makes me reflect upon the past. How much I've grown and changed, but also how much I haven't. A close friend recently told me that I seem more confident to her, which is funny because this year I've felt less certain and more anxious than I have before dealing with all the career confusion/angst. But thinking about it, I am surprised to discover that I think my core has strengthened if my circumstances have not.

 

Thinking my past selves, I've realized that every time I meet some emotional trauma, whether it is relationship ending or professional failure, it's always been so difficult for me and takes me so long to heal. In some ways, I classify this process as a death of sorts. I had to kill who I was before and be reborn as someone new. Because who I was before will always love that person who wasn't right for me and or will always desire that job that wasn't right for me. I had to let that version of me go and move on and change into someone new, hopefully someone better.

 

I think one always needs to believe that things will and can be better and the oneself will and can be better. I'm not the same person I was a few years ago and as I evolve I can only hope to and strive to retaining the best parts of me and fixing the worst. And I wish that for everyone I care about.

 

Here's to 2016. New beginnings.

[lilypadgirl]

Before I know it, February has gone and passed and it is now March. So many things to deal with. Life has been a whirlwind. But now things are finally stabilizing. I have a new job lined up. I'll be leaving academia. I should be sadder than I am, but I'm not. I must have taken the past two years to come to terms with that. That and the belief that things are seriously messed up with academia in general. Who can work like that and still have a life? Not only that, but who can work like that and have his/her life be completely at the whim of anonymous referees and systematic politics and biases? I keep telling myself I only live once and this is it. It puts all the small petty aspects of my life into focus. Not getting tenure doesn't seem so bad or even so important. On to bigger and better things.

 

This is definitely the year of new beginnings. New husband/marriage, new job/career direction, and who knows what is still left to happen before the year is out!

 

I need to take better care of my health though. I am getting older and I can definitely start to feel it. Getting tired more easily and definitely not recovering as quickly after a late nighter. A regular 9-5 job is going to bring some much needed structure and balance to my life. My parents are getting older with more health issues. I'm glad that I am close to them. I do feel pressure to have grandkids soon as I know they really want them. Still, I'm not sure I'm emotionally ready to be a mom. I hope that will come as I become more stable and mature.