marshycap Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Well, I guess I should start off saying this is sort-of-kind-of-but-not-really a long story, I just genuinely don't know what to make of this. There comes a time when there are just certain things you don't want to go to your family about, because the last thing they want to hear is that you're having "problems" in your relationship. At least in my situation. I'm very new to the whole dating game. I'm 22 and in my first-ever relationship. My boyfriend is 29, and I'm his second "serious" relationship. We've been dating for almost 7 months, and have known each other for over a year now. We met on an online dating site and kind of hit it off right away. I have now moved over 1200 miles to be with him (we now live together), left my family behind, and decided it was best to be with him rather than stay apart. We have been living together for a little over 2 months. It's one of those situations where he is a different person than I thought in a lot of ways. The main way is in AFFECTION/PHYSICAL CONTACT. I went to meet my -now- boyfriend a few times before I moved in, and every day he was very affectionate/physical and all over me, but now that I've moved in, it's very sporadic. We have 3-4 day lulls where he will barely even kiss me. I know that seems like not that long to have "lulls", but I've heard it takes like... 6 months of living together/being around each other before passion begins to fade. It's the major difference between us: I'm really affectionate, and apparently he is not. I like physical contact, and since I've moved in, he's told me he does not like a lot of physical contact. It was news to me, because like I said before, when I went to visit him it was constant "can't-keep-my-hands-off-you" affection with him. I'll say up front that I am a virgin, and so is he... I really want to make love to him, but he tells me "Not today" or "I'm just not ready". I didn't even know guys who were the ones who were not ready for sex even really existed (joking). We tried once (about 9 months ago), but it sort of flopped, and now his ego is severely bruised. I try to tell him everything is going to be okay, because when we tried I was really nervous. But I'm at the point where NOW I'm really starting to want it. Especially when we actually are physical, it's very heated and great... It just makes me want it all the more. What's most frustrating is that now that I've voiced that I really want to make love, he thinks I'm all about the physical. I think if it was all about the physical I wouldn't have moved all this way just for sex. How can I not want to make love when I have... well, a fairly high sex drive, being a virgin, and the guy I love next to me in bed every night? I try the whole lingerie, sexy clothes, seduction thing, but it never works. More times than not he laughs at me and thinks I'm silly. It crushes my spirit after awhile... So I guess I just really need advice on how I can to deal with this. Has anyone been in the same situation? I've already decided that I want to stick it out with him. I'm in it for the long haul; I want to marry this man. I just know sex/physicality is a major part of almost any relationship. Any tips or advice? Should I really just keep waiting for something that may never even happen? Thanks so much in advance guys!
abitbroken Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I think that you should have moved NEARBY but not in with him if you have only been going together a short time. That is so you can continue to date and let the relationship grow, especially if this is you first ever relationship. The relationship is too new to even move in together, and you are expecting to live like you have been together for a few years. Everyone has their own timeline about when they are ready for sex in a relationship. If you were long distance for 7 months he could very well be not ready yet. I would suggest that you sleep in separate bedrooms if the contact is bothering you and you are going crazy and explain that you are not mad at him, but because you aren't to the point of having sex, maybe you should sleep separately to give it time. I think you should also have other conversations. Did you talk about what moving in means to both of you? I think he was more physical when he saw you because he only saw you infrequently and also living far apart there is some fantasy involved. Now everything is real. I don't think the spark died, I think the spark is just too new and things need to take time to develop. When you move near someone, you almost start over rather than where you left off. I think so much is riding on this for you put all your eggs in this basket.
marshycap Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 I agree, and I even actually talked to him about that at one point. He told me "We've lived apart for 10 months anyway, why would I not want you to move in with me?" I have even discussed with him about sleeping in separate rooms... It's really weird, because it's like he wants me near him and close, but not in a physical way. He gets offended when I mention that maybe we should have approached things a little differently with me moving so far away. He was very adamant about me moving in with him. And I love him so I agreed, I just didn't think it would quite be like this. I guess what strikes me as odd is that I've never met a man with a low sex drive and such a non-liking of physical contact. While he is my first boyfriend, I've had other guys (two to be exact) interested in me and almost had relationships with and they were very affectionate/physical. I can see what you mean about it taking time to develop... I never thought about it quite like that. (We actually have lots of other conversations. My boyfriend is very, very passionate about everything, so literally every day is filled with what it seems like hundreds of conversations about all kinds of things. He likes to talk, haha.) Thank you so much for the advice! I really do appreciate it, it really has helped me put a few things in perspective.
brickheart Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 (We actually have lots of other conversations. My boyfriend is very, very passionate about everything, so literally every day is filled with what it seems like hundreds of conversations about all kinds of things. He likes to talk, haha.) It's interesting that you say this. I'm a big fan of the whole "love languages" idea. It seems like your main love language is physical touch (at least from what you've said here, you might have others), and his is quality time... so you might have some disconnect there. You might have to make a more concerted effort to connect, since each of you might have a different way you love and feel loved. My ex was the same way about me moving in - he wanted me to move in, but didn't necessarily understand what that might entail until I'd actually moved in. Then afterwards, he felt really stifled and realized he wanted his own space.
marshycap Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 It's interesting that you say this. I'm a big fan of the whole "love languages" idea. It seems like your main love language is physical touch (at least from what you've said here, you might have others), and his is quality time... so you might have some disconnect there. You might have to make a more concerted effort to connect, since each of you might have a different way you love and feel loved. My ex was the same way about me moving in - he wanted me to move in, but didn't necessarily understand what that might entail until I'd actually moved in. Then afterwards, he felt really stifled and realized he wanted his own space. Love language? This is the first time I've heard of it and it actually sounds really interesting. I'm going to be looking it up! You know, you are right.... It feels like the fact that we are both passionate in different ways. I have other things I'm interested in for sure, he's just gone from 11:30 to 8 every day (he sleeps in late, goes to bed early) so I don't get to see him much. On top of that not very physical so I just get frustrated about it sometimes. But I totally see what you mean, I probably should be trying to make more of an effort to connect and be understanding about it. I'm really not trying to be selfish; I hold back a lot. I'll try giving him some more space, too. Thank you so very much!
abitbroken Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Love language? This is the first time I've heard of it and it actually sounds really interesting. I'm going to be looking it up! You know, you are right.... It feels like the fact that we are both passionate in different ways. I have other things I'm interested in for sure, he's just gone from 11:30 to 8 every day (he sleeps in late, goes to bed early) so I don't get to see him much. On top of that not very physical so I just get frustrated about it sometimes. But I totally see what you mean, I probably should be trying to make more of an effort to connect and be understanding about it. I'm really not trying to be selfish; I hold back a lot. I'll try giving him some more space, too. Thank you so very much! Do you go to work? Or do you just sit and wait for him all day? If you are busy too, and you are not just there waiting for him, he will have time to unwind by himself after work or he will have time to get him self going (either one) and might even be more affectionate because you won't be catching him when he's got stuff to do. Just a thought.
marshycap Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 Do you go to work? Or do you just sit and wait for him all day? If you are busy too, and you are not just there waiting for him, he will have time to unwind by himself after work or he will have time to get him self going (either one) and might even be more affectionate because you won't be catching him when he's got stuff to do. Just a thought. Right now I don't work a "normal" job, much at his request. I "work" at home (I'm an artist and do commissions, that sort of thing) but I told him starting August 1st I was going to start applying places, as I'm getting pretty bored just sitting in the apartment (even drawing can get a little old if it's all you do all day long). I think he realized I need it too so he's pleased about it. I think he maybe it'll spark some real passion in him once he knows I'm not right there? He's also gotten really used to me being a sort of housewife, sans wife. Now that I think about it, I think the only time he does really get affectionate with me on his own accord is when I do go in another room for a few hours and let him do whatever and that ends our 3-4 day lull. Then he calls me into his room and wants to do stuff. Other than that I usually initiate. Is that normal? I guess I'm just such a novice to this, I'm just so inexperienced when it comes to things like that in a relationship... I can't really talk to my family about the questions I have. I know I'm pretty young, and it being my first relationship doesn't help much...
brickheart Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Oh, I'd DEFINITELY get a job. Again, speaking from my own experience, things got really tense between my ex and me when I was waiting at home and he'd get home late, and I'd be tapping my feet saying "okay, can we spend time together now?" and he'd be saying "I just want some time/space on my own for a few hours" when I'd already had several hours on my own. Yeah, I think it won't work out unless you have your own stuff to do during the day and you're not just looking at your watch waiting for him to get home to spend time with you. Don't let him make you into a housewife! I don't want to draw conclusions based on him "requesting" that you stay home, but... yeah, you should definitely get out there - get a job, go to plenty of meetups, do lots of activities so you're busy outside the house. That way when you do spend time together, you can both appreciate that time. That's probably a big reason why he was more affectionate when you were living far apart. Definitely look up the love languages - it really gave me insight into dealing with not only significant others, but friends and family members too. It's really interesting.
marshycap Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 I'll definitely be on the lookout then! We're going on a family vacation next week so when we get back I already have places I'd like to apply. I'd like to make some friends; I feel so reliant on him right now and sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. Thanks so much for this advice, I feel a lot better about it now! I'll be looking up that love language you talked about, it seems really interesting. Thanks again!
abitbroken Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 If you are an artist, working at home is not sitting and drawing all day - part of the day might be about going to a discussion/meetup/support group for small business owners, taking advantage of a class or meetup where its an open draw session where there are models there. You might be able to go out and meet gallery owners or places where you can consign or even make series of cards or smaller items for gift shops. And you will have some of your own friends versus relying only on him. As far as when he comes home and is by himself for a time - yes, if he is used to living alone time to unwind and be by yourself is actually good adn normal. You are there all the time when he is there so he doesn't really have time to unwind and reset. When you don't hang on him the minute he comes home to the minute he goes to sleep - see what better results you get?
Cluedo Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 wow you're situation is identical to mine...it's uncanny. I too met my boyfriend from online, we had been talking for 4 years would you believe. We met for the first time early last year and I fell so much in love with him. Everything was so passionate and hot between us until we moved in together 3 months ago...now there's a complete lull. I don't know whats happened but we hardly ever have sex nor is he as affectionate as he once was. I hope we can work it out because I know we have everything else going for us...it sounds like you do too, good luck with your guy. Message me if you want to talk...I know EXACTLY what you're going through.
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.