I feel so lost...

[artman540]

I've ruined the greatest thing that ever happened to me. My wife left me two weeks ago after five years together. I had an emotional affair three years ago and lost my wife's trust. I don't even know if it was an emotional affair, I was talking to her because she showed me attention. My wife tried to get over it but she couldn't and so she left me. She said she was tired of living in fear and of not feeling good enough. I can't believe I betrayed her like that and ruined us. We built a life together, I wanted to have babies with her. She is so much better than me, I wonder where I went wrong. How things could have been different.

 

Now that she's gone I don't know what to do. She won't talk to me even though she says she doesn't hate me. She said she still wants to be in my life she refuses my messages. She won't even see a marriage counselor with me.

 

We have so much together. We have a house. We were building a life together. Now I come home to an empty house and all I do is look at pictures of her and reminisce about the good times.

 

I feel as if my whole world has been destroyed. When I met her I was in a very bad, dark place and she rescued me from it. I've gone from having everything to having nothing. I don't want to start over but she doesn't want to repair what we had. I find that the world doesn't interest me anymore and I know things will never be as good as they were. I would never be able to find a woman as good as her, one that makes me feel whole. Makes me feel as if the world isn't such a terrible place. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I go to work and just want to go back home. I haven't washed my sheets be cause then her scent would be gone.

 

I find myself slipping into a darker and darker place every day and I can't find my way out. Friends invite me over and while I put on a good face, I'm dead inside and just want to go home. Home to an empty house filled with great memories of a better time. A better time that I'll never be able to attain again.

 

My wife was my best friend. She was the only family I had and I blew it. I'm not worthy of having something great. I just want it all to end. I find myself looking at different ways to kill myself everyday. I don't want to kill myself. I'm not brave enough to do it at this point, but, being dead on the outside seems so much better than being dead on the inside. It would be so easy to just suck in some carbon monoxide and drift off to an eternal sleep. I don't want to feel like this. I'm lost in the woods and I can't find my way. I'm tired. I'm tired of my mind working. I'm tired of living in fear. I just want it to stop.

[Avila]

All I can say is that falling in to a dark place is not going to fix it. So that's one thing. Telling yourself you aren't worthy is also a self- fufilling prophecy. Luckily those are things you can change. I have been where you were in a manner. It doesn't last forever if you take steps to dig yourself out.

 

There may be too much water under the bridge but in sinking into dark depths? It's not the way to win her back. What you need to do is go to counselling for YOURSELF. You cannot truly love and appreciate another until you fix what is inside you. Learn to be the man she needs you to be. Learn to be a strong other half. If you don't get back with her atleast you can be that person for yourself. That is more important than anything else. Nothing is stronger than the human spirit and we are only ever handed what we can handle. Utilize your friends, look after yourself. Go to a doctor and explain your situation and see if they can refer you to a counseller/therapist/meds/ whatever it is you need to rebuild yourself. Help is always there. You just have to reach out and avail yourself of it.

 

when my ex left me for no good reason, for 3 weeks i unintentionally starved and wished that the gods would let me stroke out in my sleep or something. I honestly didn't care if i didn't wake up. i hoped for mercy. but everyday i woke up a mess but refused to let anything beat me down. it is that determination alone that has gotten me as far as i am. it's in you too. everyone has it. but you've got to believe it and use it. fake it until you make it.

 

if you can't be with her, atleast learn to be a person who is worthy of her just as much as yourself as for her.