ForeverYours Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Please read this whole thing and give me your advice, opinion, kind words, anything. First, I've known enough people with depression or people who've lost loved ones to know I should never think it's my fault. Logically, I know it's not my fault. We broke up a month ago. We talked openly, we both know we never loved each other. This past month he's been fine without me. I know he had depression, and refused to take anti-depressants. I know he had tried to kill himself ten years ago, but that was so long ago and he assured me he would never consider it anymore. I saw him just last week. He was smiling, laughing, sincerely in a good mood. Talked about his recent mental breakthrough, wouldn't let anybody affect who he wants to be anymore. He wanted to be him and happy. Live. I know it wasn't a face; he was always one to display exactly how he felt. He had three cats who he loved as if they were his children. Parents and grandparents who he loved and he knew they loved him. How could he leave them...I know he'd never be okay with anybody else taking care of his cats. He worried anybody else would abuse them. Today is Wednesday. Last I talked to him was via text on Friday. At 2am he texted me saying he had gotten into a very serious intense physical and emotional fight with a friend of a friend of his. I don't know what the fight was about, and I told him to tell me what happened the next day because I had to work and I was too tired to give him my full attention...he said sure. He's waited to tell me the next day about something upsetting before... I texted him the next day, no response. I didn't continue to text him because I didn't want to be a bother. I texted him today, and was called on his phone by his sister, with the news. I don't know what day he died. I don't know if it was right after the fight or a day or two ago. I don't know how he killed himself. I don't know if it was because of the fight. I don't know what the fight was about. I don't know if I want to know. I don't know if if I had stayed up and listened to him if that would have helped... There's even a possibly irrational side of me considering what if the guy he got in a fight with killed him and made it look like a suicide? I care about him, and he was still a very good friend of mine. I don't know what I'm supposed to be thinking or feeling...I feel empty...please help me.
tallydoo Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Oh my goodness, ForeverYours. I can't even imagine. He was a person who played an important role in your life, and you can mourn him as such. You had no idea it was coming, and there was nothing you could do to prevent it. I am so, so, so sorry for your loss.
Celadon Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I am so so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I can't imagine the void you must be experiencing right now. I haven't had experience with anyone close who committed suicide, but I have also heard that survivors should never let themselves believe or even think that they somehow were involved in the other person's decision. It was his decision. As tragic as all this is, it was his action alone. If I were you, I would just BE. You don't have to feel anything, or maybe you'll feel everything. It's OK. If you want to think about good times you two had together, you can honor him in that way. Maybe you want to light a candle for him. Please reach out to someone IRL who is understanding and sympathetic. You probably need someone to be with you now. Take care.
pippy longstocking Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 hiforever , I am so sorry xx there is another girl going through this ...she didnt see her ex for a lot longer than you , but the point it she is going through the same right now , so it might be worth reading her thread and maybe talking to her as you are both going through this guilt and peaceof mind is really suffering as well
tjcalif Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I am very sorry this happened.. In 2006 my boyfriend killed himself so although it has been 6 years it feels like it just happened. If you need to talk you can send me a message kay.. I feel like crying cause I know that pain Stay stong
peaceOfmind78 Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 ForeverYours, I wish we could have a crying session.
becomingkate Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 I'm so sorry, foreveryours. I just wanted to send you a *hug* and a wish for peace as you go through this terrible time.
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