Is this normal or unrealistic?

[Celadon]

I'm not someone who talks a lot with co-workers, or even friends, but I have high expectations of the quality of conversation I have with my bf. But there are times our conversations tend to leave me wanting more (in terms of depth). Not all the time, but often enough for me to be posting here.

 

I take responsibility for my part of how our conversations go, of course. Since I don't talk with a lot of people during the day, it's not like I'm saying I'm some fabulous conversationalist and my bf is not. (I can be pretty good with some close friends, though.) Also, sometimes I can't remember what I wanted to talk with him about when we're together (early Alzheimer's??). Also, I am perfectly comfortable with silence, depending on my mood, so sometimes we don't talk at all.

 

I guess I'm looking for feedback here and advice. Given how I am -- not the chatty one with others -- do you think my expectation to have great conversations with my bf are unrealistic? Do you think I expect MORE from my time with him because I don't talk much with others during the day? If I talked more with people during the day, do you think my expectation of the conversations I have with my bf would lower?

 

When I say our conversations are not quite what I want, I mean that I want conversations that go somewhere, expanding off of the first topic and morphing into another one. We have that sometimes, but sometimes we just talk about one topic, then another, rather than going in depth on something and seeing where it leads us. I may be more used to that "expanding" kind of conversations (with my best friends) than he is.

 

I tend to be a "focused" person who prefers quality to quantity, so that's why I'm not running around like a social butterfly talking with people all day. I'll never be that person, but I do wonder if I store all my conversational energy up for him and then my expectations are too high.

 

Thanks for any insight you can offer.

[csr14]

I think you are expecting a little too much. Some guys just aren't huge talkers. This exact same thing happens with my boyfriend and to help I will elaborate further before allowing him to change the subject. But conversations are improv and sometimes theres not more to be said. If you think his conversational abilities are lower than yours maybe you should consider moving past him but you can't force someone to talk when they don't have anything to say. To help you maybe call a friend on the way home from work to get some talking energy out. Also forgetting what you wanna talk to him about is quite common. If its something really important, write it down and bring it up later. I think you expectations are little high in this situation.

[SuperDuper]

I think the fact that you're wondering about this, means it holds some validity. If you're not talking with many people through the day, but love to have in-depth conversations... all I can conclude is that you'll have a build-up that will need releasing! Since your boyfriend is always there to talk with perhaps you subconsciously don't attempt to branch out to conversing with other people.

 

I find myself to be quite philosophical and some of my friends are less so. That doesn't mean we don't have in-depth conversations, it usually just means I'll have to be the one to say "did you ever think of it like this ..... " .... or "I wonder what it would be like if .....". If your boyfriend can rarely spark your intellect then perhaps you two are just different breeds of social creatures. That doesn't mean you should break up obviously, but it might mean you'll have to put in some additional effort in order to get from him what you want.

[quirky]

Super Duper has some good tips and this one is good too

I will elaborate further before allowing him to change the subject

 

Reality is you won't get all you need from one source. And I am a firm believer of choosing your battles when it comes to relationships, it can't be perfect. If you have that need for more philosophical deep conversations you can possibly join a group in meetup.

 

I am quite chatty and open and love deep conversations and analysis. I do it with friends and colleagues and meetup groups. For that reason I am sometimes attracted to immature guys that are good just for fun, how ironic !

[Celadon]

csr, I like your ideas of calling up a friend at the end of the work day and also doing what I can to expand the topic. It's true, we all have our conversational needs, and I am thinking about our compatibility. To be honest, I had a bit of anxiety last night when I thought maybe in the long run we won't be compatible. I do love him but the conversation part is important to me. I can accept, though, that my expectations may be too high.

 

SuperDuper, YES -- both to the fact that I may "lean" on my bf because I know he'll be there and therefore don't reach out to other people, as well as to how you take it upon yourself to be the one to get philosophical because your friends don't naturally think along those lines. That's one of the things I'm wondering about ... whether I'll have to be the one to bring the conversation to a deeper level. AND, I'm wondering if I'll always have to do that or if he'll kind of pick up on it and do it himself eventually. Anyway, I really appreciate your thoughts on this.

[Celadon]

For that reason I am sometimes attracted to immature guys that are good just for fun, how ironic !

Oh, I hear you, quirky!!

[Silverbirch]

Hi Celadon,

I think that if you made an effort to meet up with some people/friends who you easily have those types of conversations and then see how you feel about whether you have an adequate rapport with your bf or not, it might better answer your question. I do recall though another recent post of yours where you felt uncomfortable with his style of communicating - that he seemed to debate rather than discuss so maybe he's not the most compatible conversationalist for you.

 

On the other hand, I recently met up with old friends and we spent the whole evening talking as we always do. Whenever I see them, because of that rapport, I feel calmer for days through feeling talked out. When my son was very young and I was not in the paid workforce for a couple of years, I think that I often felt that I was missing something that comes from conversations with all types of people - people from work and friends (I was the first to have a child - by a few years - amongst friends, and that changed my friendships and conversations or ability to have them). It definitely affected my feelings of satisfaction regarding conversations and time spent with my son's father.

 

I also have this group of female friends I spend a couple of hours with every Friday (except during school holidays), and I'm certain that on the weeks that I get to spend time with them, there is a type of flow-over in the conversations with the BF - and he notices how much happier I am when I see him. Not sure if that is relevant for you, but I suppose I'm trying to say that having various people in my life that I click with as far as conversation goes, the more common ground I seem to have with the BF and anyone else in fact who is in my life. It's hard to explain. It's also like - and I feel almost certain you would be the same - there are all different parts to each of us - and it seems more natural to be able to converse on varying topics and at differing levels with different friends - including the BF. There is nobody in the world than him who I can converse more easily with about horses and animals and country life and dreams. There is also more laughing and flirtiness with him more than anyone else - possibly who I have ever known - so there is rapport there, but not all of it serious - we are both above average in intelligence, but definitely neither of us are at all intellectual. My ex was an intellectual - he used to say that wasn't important for me to be one as well - that he valued my "practical and creative intelligence" but I think that after a couple of years, the inequality in "intellect" came to be a problem - for both of us. Not saying that need be the case with you and your partner, but does seem to be something you are considering.

[drummergirl]

How long have you been with your bf? How much time do you spend with him?

 

I find that when I spend more time with people I have known for a long time, sometimes the conversations isn't always as in depth. At the beginning of a relationship, there is tons to talk about because you don't know each other, but in long-term relationships, some days the conversations can be like: "How was your day?" "Good. Yours?" "Good."

 

There is a lot more to talk about when I get together with friends that I only talk to a few times a month than with the people I see on a daily basis.

 

I think as far as quality of conversation is concerned, I really enjoy talking to different people. More than that, I enjoy listening to different people because everybody has different stuff to say. Plus, the more people you talk to throughout the day, the more you'll have to talk to your boyfriend about. It doesn't sound very healthy to 'save up' all of your conversation for your bf, it's not like you pay money for every conversation- they're free so you can have as many as you want.

[Celadon]

I think that if you made an effort to meet up with some people/friends who you easily have those types of conversations and then see how you feel about whether you have an adequate rapport with your bf or not, it might better answer your question. I do recall though another recent post of yours where you felt uncomfortable with his style of communicating - that he seemed to debate rather than discuss so maybe he's not the most compatible conversationalist for you.

Hi Silverbirch. Thank you for sharing about your experiences with friends and BFs. It really helps me to think through my situation and see what's similar, what's different and how I can respond. Your suggestion to experiment with talking more with others who may be similar to me, making more effort, is quite practical and sensible, I think. You are right about bf tending to argue, but I will say that although that's an issue for him, he's trying to restrain himself and listen more. I can tell he's trying, so I hope that's a good sign. I'm not sure how we'll be in the long run, but again, your suggestion should help me figure that out.

 

When you were talking about getting together with friends and how that overflows to your conversations with your BF, I thought, "Hm, maybe my BF needs to have more friends so his conversations will overflow to me." LOL. But seriously, I can't tell him what to do, I can only encourage him to spend time talking with his friends. Also, the thing is that I suspect his conversations with his friends aren't like the conversations I want to have with him. I've been with him when he talks with a few of his friends. He mostly takes the back seat, and I think that's part of the issue with me. Also, he reacts to more boisterous or emotive people, whereas I (though I'm not intellectual) like talking about topics like current events and psychology rather than engaging in storytelling about my life.

 

But regardless, it's up to me to figure out what I can do in this situation. And I'll have to consider whether I talk with anyone on a regular basis in the ways I want to talk with him. If I don't, then maybe I need to look at why I don't and how I could make that happen for myself. That's not to say I wouldn't also want that with him, though.

[Celadon]

I've been with him for more than a year and we see each other every few days. Sometimes not for much time and sometimes for hours. It can take awhile for our conversations to get kick-started. We don't meet up and instantly jabber away. That's not how we are. Both of us are more quiet initially.

 

My problem with not talking with others is partly that I don't really know who would be into talking about the topics I'm interested in. I don't have weird subjects I like to talk about. I'm just more random. And as I mentioned in my post above, I'm not so much into storytelling. I'm not looking to have those kinds of conversations, although some of it is fine. I'm more interested in talking about, oh, things I've read, or the news. And there aren't as many people I know who are interested in that.

[Silverbirch]

"When you were talking about getting together with friends and how that overflows to your conversations with your BF, I thought, "Hm, maybe my BF needs to have more friends so his conversations will overflow to me." LOL. But seriously, I can't tell him what to do, I can only encourage him to spend time talking with his friends. Also, the thing is that I suspect his conversations with his friends aren't like the conversations I want to have with him. I've been with him when he talks with a few of his friends. He mostly takes the back seat, and I think that's part of the issue with me. Also, he reacts to more boisterous or emotive people, whereas I (though I'm not intellectual) like talking about topics like current events and psychology rather than engaging in storytelling about my life."

 

Hi Celadon,

Great to hear that your SO seems to be making a genuine effort. Always a good sign.

 

My BF has made a deliberate choice not to have many friends - he's extremely selective about who he lets into his life, but of the friends he has, I think every single one of them has been in his life for at least 10 years. He has a good male friend, and as far as I know, they mostly talk about: flying (both have pilot licenses); engineering thingys - especially restoring cars, motorbikes, machinery; politics - they both support the same party; money; - and there are probably lots of other secret men's business matters which I am thankfully not privy to nor inerersted in. LOL! Like I said though, we do talk about some things which I think we have shared views and a good rapport on.

 

Just a suggestion, rather than telling him he should have more friends of his own, you could try drawing him out in conversation about his passions interests, and encouraging him to pursue them, and more than likely he will meet up with others who he shares those things with and would likely have/develop rapport with, and more often than not, that is positive.

[Celadon]

That's a good suggestion, Silverbirch. I'll try it and will be very curious to see how he responds. Also, about the friends thing, I know one of his longtime friends will be in town soon, so I expect he'll be able to hang out with his buddy then.

 

I may have to bring up this conversation topic with him, though. It makes me nervous to even say it, but I don't see how our conversations will improve (in my opinion) if I don't tell him that this is what I want. Mind you, I still need to change what I need to change. Today I reached out to a few people at work, one of whom looked pleased when I asked her if she was going to have lunch. We had a nice time, although some of our talk was about work. I did get to share about something I was interested in, though. And maybe by sharing it with her, then I'll also remember to mention it when I see my bf next (since I will be more likely to remember something I've talked about before, as opposed to something I just think in my head).

 

OTOH, I don't want to make him self-conscious by bringing up the subject, which could happen. But if it's that important to me, he needs to know. It could be, since he thinks everything's fine, that he is completely unaware of how I feel. I've brought up the topic of conversation before with him but not in the "This is what I need from our relationship" sort of way.

[Silverbirch]

Good Luck with that Celadon. I hope you let us know how it goes.