Had enough. About to tell him that I'm leaving for good.

[KayF99]

Hi everyone. I've posted a few threads on here. I'm at a point where I can't hold on any longer. My ex boyfriend dumped me three weeks ago and has me hanging on a thread expecting me to wait around for him to make a decision or for us to eventually become friends because now he's unsure if he wants to break up or get back together. We were together for 4 years and living together. I need to tell him I'm not waiting around and that I'm gone for good. If he doesn't react to that, well then I know, he never really cared or loved me at all. He still thinks I'm hanging around so he hasn't really had a chance to know what it's like to lose me properly. I'm going to go over there and tell him in person that this is it. The end. He wanted me out of his life, so I'm going. I'm telling him not to expect to see or hear from me ever again, because he broke up with me, so that's what he's getting.

 

Sounds crazy? Yeah it probably is but I have to get it off my chest before I go insane.

[pippy longstocking]

pushing someone seldom leads to a good result kay ..

 

however

 

the other side of the coin is

you also have feelings and needs and if you cannot stand to hang in this limbo any longer ...then you go for it and be prepared for all outcomes ..

 

best wishes ..x

[Crazyaboutdogs]

From your previous posts, it is already clear you have had conversations with him about how this is unfair to you. Why do you even have to meet with him again? It won't change anything. Why not just cut him out completely...if he calls you to chat just tell him that you are busy and since he broke up with you it is best that you cut all contact with him. Why initiate a conversation...let your silence speak volumes and then if he callls to find out why you went silent on him then you can tell him you are fed up and moving on with your life. Setting up a meeting to tell him yet again how you can't handle this is not going to make him take you seriously...your action of actually being silent will do more to show him how serious you are.

[saroec]

I can see where Kay is coming from, to tell him that he's lost her might be the kick that he needs to make his mind up, dangerous though that may be so soon after break up. Whatever the reason, I applaud you Kay for your bravery, it takes a lot of strength to throw something away that you once invested so much time, love and energy into x

[metrogirl]

Seems like he already knows how you feel, he doesn't care.

 

Just remember, you can only tell him so many times that you are leaving, but as you continue to stick around waiting for the next time you tell him, well he's not going to take you serious. (If he even cares). As hard as it may seem, moving on and healing is probably your only option right now.

[largetable]

I think you will regret what you are going to do.

 

You thought you will get closure afterwards, but it is just a mind game. You hope to get a rise from him -- if he remains calm and indifferent, you will collapse. You will always wonder how he feels, and whether he regrets.

 

Telling someone you are moving on while apparently you are not, is lame. I made the same mistake before, and it made me look like a fool. Don't do it.

[pippy longstocking]

kay did you go ?

[KayF99]

No, I have not gone over there and told him this yet. But I need to get closure so I can move on. I just feel one or both of us need to say it's over so I can finally accept it. I'm not sure if I can muster up the courage to to tell him I'm leaving for good. It's hard to just cut someone off completely and go cold turkey. I stupidly text him last night just to ask how he was. I didn't reply to him so then he asked if I'm OK and I said no. He then asked if I wanted to do something tonight, to which I said I'm not sure. I know he just wants to feel less guilty by taking me out to try and make me feel better. I just find it odd to want to go out with someone because I feel like rubbish when he caused me all this pain in the first place. I'm not sure whether I should say yes or not? Of course I want to, but I'm not sure if it's right for me. If I don't tell him I'm moving on, then what? How do I gain closure by just ignoring the fact that he's being indecisive? If he had just told me no it's over, it would be harder in the short term but much more beneficial for me in the long term.

[rapunzel]

Kay, if you simply disappear and go about living your own life it makes a much stronger statement than getting "closure" in person. I haven't read your other threads but it sounds like he broke up with you and is being indecisive. His breaking up with you is all the closure you need. You are just putting yourself at his mercy if you march over there and tell him it's over. He already told you it's over, right? As painful as that may be, it's already been determined and you don't have to buy into or indulge him in any post-breakup dumper guilt or indecision.

 

You say: "He still thinks I'm hanging around so he hasn't really had a chance to know what it's like to lose me properly." If you stay in contact with him or go deliver a dramatic "closure" statement then he still doesn't know what it feels like. The best way for him to feel that loss is to actually become unavailable. Poof, disappear. Don't take his calls, don't call him, don't answer his emails or texts. it's difficult to do because we dumpees often can justify our behavior when any continued contact or "closure talks" on our part are thinly veiled attempts to win our ex back. If you have already had a conversation about the break up then there is no need to keep talking about it. The only way to truly get his attention is to disappear.

 

Be strong. Take care of yourself. Value yourself. No anger, no revenge, no hard feelings, just take care of yourself and know you will be OK no matter what.

[Pleasedonot5]

Kay, I understand your situation and feel your need to get closure. I've definitely been in that boat before. What I've learned that makes me feel a lot better in these kind of situations is being honest and saying everything you need to say. Tell him what you're feeling. Tell the truth. Then, tell him you can't bear to take his indecisiveness/being in limbo any longer because it hurts too much and that you respect yourself too much to allow yourself to stay in limbo forever. Tell him you think that you both need space and NC unless he gets his feelings settled either way -- you're open to reconciliation in the future, but he has to be sure of his feelings first, but you're going to try and move on with your life -- you won't be around forever. Don't be cruel, pathetic, or emotional; be nice and secure. It's difficult but make sure you keep your emotions from showing. Simply tell him; do not show him. I would suggest taking up his offer to hang out this time in order to say everything you need to say.

 

Then, drop him out of your life and start NC. Try your best to move on. Consider the situation hopeless; be surprised if he turns up in your life ever again. You'll know that you did everything in your power to save the relationship (giving yourself closure), and that it's simply a problem with him that's keeping you two from being together.

 

Do this for yourself. Best of luck, Kay.

 

I'm here for you if you need further advice(:

[KayF99]

It feels so unnatural so just cut someone off. I wish we could just skip the weird part and be friends without any expectations. I don't know if I want to talk about the relationship with him anymore because I know it's not going to get us anywhere. In my mind, I just want to give up on trying to get him back so all this confusion can stop. I want to get to a place where we can be friends without the expectation of getting back together, but to at least have each other in our lives. What's killing me right now is hardly being in contact and feeling like we're playing mind games between each other. It's like we're seeing who can ignore the other for the longest. I can't be bothered right now. I don't want to think about having a relationship with him anymore or think if I'm in NC with him for another day, week or month then maybe, just maybe he'll want me back. I just want things to be normal. I am probably not making much sense right now in comparison to my last posts.

 

Anyway, we're grabbing a quick dinner tonight. Nothing fancy. Just burritos. Hopefully no relationship talk unless he initiates it. I am just going to be truthful and tell him most of what I've said in this post. I want to stop this turmoil in my mind and just be friends. If he wants to continue his indecisiveness then that's up to him. I'm not going to be a part of his indecisiveness and I'm not going to be sitting here waiting. One last thing, I've been asked out on a date from a guy friend and I'm not sure whether I tell my ex out of politeness or not? I'm not going to lie, one part of me wants to tell him to make me jealous, while one part of me wants to tell him so he knows I'm not waiting. Both of these reasons are probably wrong though.

[tufa4311]

Kay, some of my thoughts: first, you say you want to just be friends w/o any expectations - is this really true? Honestly, do you really have the intention of just being friends? Please ask yourself this question and try to really honestly answer it, at least to yourself. Second, you mention the playing mind games with each other, who can ignore each other the longest - these are just ways of staying in contact with each other, keeping a "relationship" going even though you guys have broken up. If you don't want to play mind games or ignore games than just stop your part. He can only play games if you are also a willing player as well. Third, you say you just want to be friends yet you also say there will be no relationship talk unless he initiates it? Please actually listen to yourself say that, no talk unless he brings it up. Do you want relationship talk or not? It shouldn't be based on if he brings it up or not. Lastly, regarding you telling him about the other guy, yes, both of those reasons are wrong - they are just a continuation of the game. If you want to tell him then tell him, but don't lie to yourself about why you want to. In the end I think you two are playing a little bit of a dance, going back and forth on who will be leading the next move. There is nothing wrong if you still have feeling for him, nothing wrong if you want to be together again. But be honest about it to yourself and to him. Who knows, maybe innocent truth is what you both need. My suggestion is to be honest and my feeling is that he will try to play with you a little bit rather than give you a straight forward answer. Don't be a player in that game. It only takes one person to stop playing for the game to end. Only accept honest straight forward responses to your questions - but, also realize he may need time to consider his response and if so you should give him that time. I am a true believer in the thought that it only takes one person to change a relationship - if you change he will have no other choice but to meet you at that new level or be left behind (and yes, you will need to have the strength to leave him behind if he doesn't meet you at the new level - but always remember, if he shows interest in meeting you there it may take time and communication for him to learn how to do that and it's up to you to determine if he is worth enough to you to give him that time and support). Let us know how it goes.

[KayF99]

Thank you for being so straightforward and honest. A lot of what you said made so much sense to me. Yes, at this point, I really do just want to be friends. The thought of a relationship right now is just too time consuming. I'm not going to lie myself, I love him and want him back but I have to look after myself first and foremost. For all I know, he may just do this again whether it's to me or another girl because he may have commitment issues.

 

I guess I've just got to be honest with him. I'm not willing to be a part of the indecisiveness going on in his mind right now. I've stopped caring what his 'final answer will be' because it's easier for me to just assume it's a no. The whole being in NC or LC is killing me the most right now. It feels ridiculous to be honest. The only thing that's been motivating me to do NC so far is the possibility of getting him back. It's too much effort for someone who can't decide if they even want me. I just want him there as a friend. I do want relationship talk but the only thing I have to say to him right now is that I just want to be friends and not worry about the possibility of getting back together, whether it's forever or for the time being I don't know. Only time will tell I guess.

[Pleasedonot5]

Kay, I'll be sending you good vibes for tonight! Good luck!

 

But I wouldn't go out of your way to tell him about the other date unless he asks you... but if he does you don't have to go too much into detail.

 

Tufa speaks the truth. Honesty is crucial here -- I've learned that first-hand.

________________________________

 

And you guys will be able to be friends again, even after a period of NC, but it's best to have the NC to heal or move on first, so that the friendship doesn't cause you pain. It's part of looking after yourself.

[tufa4311]

"Not willing to be a part of his indecisiveness" - Exactly! If you continued to be a part of that you would just continue playing the game. Also realize that you would/could be a major part of his indecisiveness - as long as he thinks you are "waiting" for his answer he will think he has time to keep pushing it off. Once you show that you are no longer waiting he will most likely push himself to finally supply an answer - whatever that answer is at least you will have one. My main point is to always, always realize the part you are playing in any relationship, friend or more than friend.

 

I am sending you some good energy and hope you get all you need, if not all you want.

[KayF99]

Kay, I'll be sending you good vibes for tonight! Good luck!

 

But I wouldn't go out of your way to tell him about the other date unless he asks you... but if he does you don't have to go too much into detail.

 

Tufa speaks the truth. Honesty is crucial here -- I've learned that first-hand.

________________________________

 

And you guys will be able to be friends again, even after a period of NC, but it's best to have the NC to heal or move on first, so that the friendship doesn't cause you pain. It's part of looking after yourself.

 

 

Yeah, you're right, I shouldn't tell him about the date unless that topic comes up in conversation. There's really no point otherwise. Yes, honesty really is the best way to go about this. I hate departing the conversation without actually getting anything off my chest, which is how it's been so far. I don't really know how else to say it to him other than truthfully. I'm not waiting around, but I'm still open to reconciliation. However, if things happen to progress with another guy in my life further down the track, then I'm not going to hold off or stop whatever feels natural because I'm waiting for my ex. I've been holding in a lot from him because I've been too afraid of getting hurt and rejected again. But I realise it's the wrong way to go about it. I've already been hurt and rejected by him.

 

Thank you for your advice. I will let you all know how it goes.

[KayF99]

"Not willing to be a part of his indecisiveness" - Exactly! If you continued to be a part of that you would just continue playing the game. Also realize that you would/could be a major part of his indecisiveness - as long as he thinks you are "waiting" for his answer he will think he has time to keep pushing it off. Once you show that you are no longer waiting he will most likely push himself to finally supply an answer - whatever that answer is at least you will have one. My main point is to always, always realize the part you are playing in any relationship, friend or more than friend.

 

I am sending you some good energy and hope you get all you need, if not all you want.

 

You definitely state a good point here - that I may be part of his indecisiveness. I didn't really see it this way. I must still look so desperate to have him back even though I feel like I've been doing everything in my will to try and move on. I thought I had shown him I was no longer waiting by moving out of our house but the fact of the matter is, that's not enough. I need to do a lot more to help myself move on.

 

Thank you for your words

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds like this guy friend always had a thing for you and is taking advantage of the fact that you have been broken up for 3 weeks. Poor guy. He is going to get majorly hurt if he thinks he has a chance to win your heart. You are going on a date with him simply to try to put your ex out of your mind..while he is going out on a date with you because he is interested in you. It is not right for you to be dating when you are fresh from a break up, still hurting, are confused about your ex, would like him back, want to be friends with him (even though you still have big time feelings for him) and are in major emotional turmoil. If you look at my signature it says it all...just because your guy friend is willing to accept going out with someone who just broke up with her boyfriend, doesn't mean you should take advantage of the fact that he is clearly not thinking of the consequences to his heart.

[Pleasedonot5]

Kay, no problem! I'm here for you. Glad I could help out and I hope this talk brings you the closure you seek for, either way it turns out

 

Crazy, she was dumped. My understanding of it is that she doesn't want to be caught in limbo and would prefer an honest answer whether that be getting back together or simply being friends. I can't say I blame her.

[saroec]

Kay, if you ever need to talk to someone, I'm here for you too. We seem to be going through a similar thing, with the non-communicative ex, and the want for closure! If I can be of any support, just send me a message. x

[abitbroken]

You are worried about just cutting him off -- well you are broken up. if he dumped you, then you have absolutely no need to contact him. You know where things stand - you are not together. You are free.

 

And people don't make a decision on being friends - they are or they are not. You guys are not. Too many feelings. Just move on.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Kay, no problem! I'm here for you. Glad I could help out and I hope this talk brings you the closure you seek for, either way it turns out

 

Crazy, she was dumped. My understanding of it is that she doesn't want to be caught in limbo and would prefer an honest answer whether that be getting back together or simply being friends. I can't say I blame her.

 

That's exactly why she shouldn't be dating anyone else...because her life is hinging on his answer to the question..she is not over him or else she wouldn't care what he says.

[KayF99]

I should have provided a bit of context here. This is a guy I used to go to school with but he also just got out of a 4 year relationship with his ex and we only started talking a couple of weeks ago in light of what's happened to both us. His break up happened about a week before mine did. It was just a coincidence. I haven't talked to him since high school which was 6 years ago now. Anyway, I'm definitely not in the mindset to be dating again, neither of us are, so I don't think anything will be happening romantically in our lives at least for the next 6 months. He's not a guy I was friends with throughout my relationship with my ex, we just knew each other mutually through high school.

[KayF99]

Update: The talk went well last night. It feels more like a mutual agreement now rather than dumper and dumpee situation. Of course, the fact is, he is still the dumper and I am still the dumpee, but now we're in a better place and almost on the same page. I basically told him everything I was feeling, because I had to get it off my chest. I didn't see the point in holding it in any longer when I've given up on trying to get him back. It's not longer about that anymore. We're at the point where we need to experience growth on our own and learn from the relationship. Whether or not he's made an actual decision in his head, I don't know, I'm not part of that anymore. I said we can't go back to where we were before. It was hard to say that, because not only was I being honest with him, but I was being honest with myself. I know we can't go back. So basically, we established that we're being friends without any expectations. I told him, I'm not going to lie, of course I want him back but I don't think it's right for me at the moment and I have to look after myself first and foremost. He had something similar to say, that his confusion was because even though he wanted me, he didn't think it was right to go back there.

 

I told him I'm not trying to make the decision for the both us. I'm just doing what feels right and what feels natural for me. We were great friends before, and the break up wasn't messy so we both agreed that there was no point in cutting each other off and keeping each other in the dark about how the other is feeling. He then said, I think we feel the same way. I was surprised but relieved to hear this. I don't feel so vulnerable and my head is in a better place. I don't have to dwell or figure out ways of getting him back because I'm past that. Of course, there are times where I miss him like hell and I want to be with him but that's all part of the process. Nothing I can do about that. I asked him if he would ever be open to dating me again somewhere down the line, he said he wouldn't be opposed to it but he couldn't say for sure because we need time to grow on our own. We talked for maybe two hours. I just cleared a lot out of my head during the talk, and I did it for me, it feels good.

[KayF99]

That's exactly why she shouldn't be dating anyone else...because her life is hinging on his answer to the question..she is not over him or else she wouldn't care what he says.

 

Of course I am not over him. I probably won't be for a long time. But now I've given up trying to get him back because it has proved fruitless and I don't think it's right we get back together anytime soon anyway. As much as I would love to be back with him, I have to use my head and understand that it's not right. My life is not hinging on his answer, I can't base my happiness on if he says yes or no. I know that even if he said yes or wanted me back, I wouldn't feel relieved or joyous. I would be a little surprised and it would be nice to hear but that feeling will only be temporary.