Girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me yesterday

[heyitskit]

Hey guys, I've been reading a bunch of posts since yesterday so I thought I would register and maybe get some advice.

 

So my girlfriend broke up with me yesterday (she's 22 and I'm 25) after having been together for the past 2 years (plus one month). Now this wasn't exactly out of left field, we had problems with our relationship over the last month and a half, and had a pretty big fight/talk back when it all started. According to her the problems started about a year ago when I began graduate school and then since then I had been distant, which I took responsibility for since I knew that I had spent less time on us and going out, and more time on my schooling. She told me that she was done working on our relationship (which, looking back, I probably should had taken as a giant warning sign) and that I needed to step up and take control of the relationship while she sat back and didn't put in any effort.

 

After pretty much tearing myself apart trying to schedule date nights and time together (she works 40 hours a week and I have to spend at least the much time on my school work) while watching her put me on the back-burner and tell me that such and such night wouldn't work because she had to go to a house-party with some friends or she was too tired to spend time with me after work (but I'd hear back from mutual friends afterwards that she'd instead gone out with them that night) I lost it last saturday. The combination of our lack of intimacy (she started freaking out about me touching her), her making me her last priority, and the stress from trying to maintain our relationship and maintain my grades so I can keep my graduate scholarships got to me and I ended up deleting our relationship on facebook in a desperate bid to get her to pay attention to our crumbling relationship. It obviously had the opposite effect because she started messaging me about our relationship, pretty angry with me, asking me why I had done that. I ended up telling her that it takes 2 people to make a relationship work and that since she'd checked out a month and a half earlier it was killing me keeping the facade going. She replied, saying she loved and cared for me so much but that everytime she saw/talked with me all she could think about was the hurt she felt from the last year of me being distant. I ended up telling her after that I was sorry I had hurt her but it wasn't intentional, my priorities had shifted and I wasn't used to juggling a relationship and this much work (my last 2 relationships during undergrad had started and ended pretty quickly, mostly when I found out that they had been cheating on me) and that I never meant for it to affect our relationship at all, but that I felt like the last month and half she had been purposefully hurting me back to settle some sort of score between us. I ended up telling her that wasn't love, it was resentment, and then I closed the conversation.

 

Well yesterday she called me and wanted to get a coffee and talk, I was hoping (stupidly) that maybe she had decided to discuss working on our problems but deep down I kinda knew that she was there to end it. After telling me she loved me and cared about me she slapped me in the face with "I really need to figure stuff out right now, but I want to stay in touch and be friends just in case I change my mind about us." Needless to say I was pretty hurt, I kinda stuttered a bit but I did manage to say that I didn't want to be "just friends" and that I loved her too much to be friends at this point and I wasn't going to sit by and let myself hurt constantly while she moved on. She wasn't very happy with that answer and told me that she wanted me in her life still because she "still loved me and cared about me and that if we never talked our hung out she'd get sad and worry about me". I reiterated that I didn't want to be friends, if we were breaking up I didn't want to see or speak to her anymore. After that she went to work and I went home to work on my projects for class today and didn't call or text her. Later that night however she decided that she needed to drop by and get some things and like an idiot I said fine. Well when I answered the door she was smiling and laughing, asking me why I sounded so grumpy. Thankfully I had already collected the stuff for her so I gave her the things and told her that we had just broken up only 6 hours ago and at least one of us had been hurt by this. She tried telling me to "Be happy, life is so much simpler for the both of us now, just be yourself and be happy" while she smiled at me. At this point I couldn't take it anymore and closed the door.

 

Since then she has been texting me, calling and messaging me on facebook last night afterwards which ended in a conversation where I told her that she may be able to be all chummy and happy right now but that I couldn't do it, i was hurting to much right now and having her in my life was making it worse. I got back this response " don't understand why talking to me makes you feel like crap. And yeah, I can talk to you because I want us to be in each other's lives--just not romantically. I don't want to have to miss you. So, we should talk." I replied with "talking to you isn't going to help me pick myself back up from how low I feel right now. I still love you, and if I don't stop this I'm never going to stop hoping we'll get back together" after that she tried to insinuate that we would maybe get back together after she had her time alone, but that I needed to go out and see if I even wanted to be with her. At that point I lost it and told her to cut the bull**** because her coming over to my place earlier after we had broken up acting happier then she had in weeks and telling me to be happy because the girl I loved had just broken up with me wasn't a sign that we'd ever be getting together again and that she was stringing me along.

 

Thankfully, Comcast had a service outage in my area a few minutes later which gave me time to settle down a bit. I ended up going through my facebook page, unfriended her, and untagged pictures of the two of us together. Since then I haven't heard anything from her.

 

Am I doing the right thing severing all contact like that? Or did I just come off as a whining baby?

 

 

Also sorry for the convoluted post, I'm feeling pretty bad and I can't think straight right now.

[Dixi]

You are doing the right thing, it's what you have to do to protect yourself and help you move on.

[brian12345]

Sorry for the difficult time you're going through. Yes you're doing the right thing, she is being selfish in not respecting your wishes, trying to stay in your life when she knows it will cause you hurt. That said, her smiling and acting all happy is massive front, it doesn't mean she wants to get back with you obviously, but she wants to wean herself off you emotionally by keeping you around as a friend. If you have any hope of getting her back, you cannot be her friend when you love her this much without these frustrations you're experiencing. Imagine when she wants to tell you about a guy she's dating?

 

That said, it's best to leave it on a mature note from your side even if she won't. Tell her calmly that she needs to respect your wishes for no contact so you can move on and find happiness again, and that from this point on any attempts from her to contact you will be unanswered, not because you hate her or are angry...but because you need to look out for yourself right now and protect your emotions.

 

If you need any additional advice feel free to message me.

[heyitskit]

I'll try and update you guys on whats going on, it'll probably be good for me to have a place to vent my emotions right now.

[Roxie84]

This is what is unfortunate about getting into serious relationships in our 20's - we're still getting our lives in order, and things like school and constant career changes get in the way of building on a healthy relationship.

 

I'm very sorry to hear about your breakup. I wouldn't be concerned about how you reacted with the facebook deleting and whatnot. You did what is right for you. Its better to sever all ties if you feel that it would be too difficult. Many people have an easier time getting over a breakup if they just burn the bridge completely. If this is the first step towards you moving forward, then it is the right step.

[heyitskit]

Its good to hear that. A part of me wishes that we'd be able to get back together because I still love her so much but I know that if I try and stay in her life its just gonna make it harder for me when she moves on.

[tinsel]

Wow, you so did the right thing. Way to stay strong, seriously. I'm in kind of the same predicament, and I wish I was able to do what you did. People who break up with you and want to stay friends do not realize the pain they are causing to someone who actually loves them. Even change in language used towards you hurts, for example, when pet names and kindness turns into "hey homie", "bro", "what's up dude". Ugh. You sound like you're a great person, so don't feel too low. Just stay true to who you are, and you'll feel better.

[heyitskit]

Thanks guys, its nice having a place to get this off my chest and have really nice people help me along. I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who's seen me through most of my past relationships and I'm gonna head out of town to Savannah to hang out with him for the weekend. Hopefully spending time with him checking out the beaches and bars will help me get my mind off things, if just for a few days.

[Doc Blaze]

Keep strong man and keep busy. Your going to have your ups and downs there is no way around it. Just keep focused on healing yourself. I went through the same a few months ago. keep NC trust meeeeeeeeee. i know everyone says that but coming from a person who broke it man times, it just makes things more confusing awkward and you end up feeling worse than before

[LoveHurts89]

She's selfish. "It's ok for me to dump you, hurt you, break your heart in two and do a dump on it, show you how happy I am and put it in your face. But please don't not talk to me because that might make me sad."

 

I hate women like this!

[heyitskit]

Woke up to her text message this morning, trying to get me to friend her again on facebook. What the hell is she even thinking right now?

[mahipahl]

She is playing games with you and trying to stroke her ego at your expense. You must decide how you want to handle this, if you think highly of yourself than you should move on and go NC and mean it. You deserve more from a person you elected to be your friend/lover. Actually her actions scream that she does not respect you. Look, just think of someone in your life that you respect and admire, would you try and play games with them? I think not. My prediction is that if you gather your self respect up and say you deserve better and tell her to go chase dogs she will be changing her tune toward you, she will not admit it but she will start to respect you. Don't do this to try and manipulate her just do it for yourself and soon you will probably meet someone new that digs a guy who knows what he wants, demands respect and gives it.

[heyitskit]

So I had an accidental lapse tonight, I went upstairs to use my desktop (I pretty much use it for grad work and not much else) and hopped on the internet to check some things out and when I opened up facebook it was still logged under her account. Well when it opened it popped up one of her conversations from earlier tonight with a friend talking about how she was going to be going out looking for guys to sleep with and that she had been trying to set up dates and stuff already so she could get laid. I got incredibly angry and felt pretty hurt when I read saw it. I really should have checked first to see who was logged in but I wasn't even thinking about it, it was my computer and I didn't think that she'd still be logged in on it after the week+ we'd broken up.

 

I just feel really bad about what I read though, like I'd wasted 2 years on a relationship that didn't even really matter to her. I don't know.

 

But, I've already set up times to go out and exercise and hang out with friends. I'm gonna try and better myself now and to hell with her.

[heyitskit]

UPDATE:

 

 

So I've pretty much gone the last 2 weeks without talking to her. She'd send me texts and messages at the beginning but those have pretty much tapered off now. Apparently she's been trying to milk my roommate for information on what I've been doing and how I've been acting over the last week. I still feel like **** but I'm more angry then sad right now over how this whole thing went down and how she's been acting. I started focusing more on my graduate work and exercise recently, lost a few pounds but I still have that relationship gut haha.

 

I'll keep updating every now and then, just to clear my head.

[heyitskit]

Alright so, I finally got off my lazy ass and packed up most of my ex's stuff that had been lying around my apartment. I took it over to her place late afternoonish when she was working but her sister was at the house so I could drop it off inside.

 

About 30 minutes ago I get a 3 paragraph text from her number calling me a petty child, mother****er, etc. because I didn't call her to set up a time to drop the stuff off, even though I told her when we broke up that I didn't want to talk to her or see her.

 

Now she's telling me she's coming to my apartment tomorrow to ***** at me. Why is she acting like this?

[mahipahl]

Because you quit playing games. You don't owe her any explanations why you do what you do (she gave that away when she broke up). By the way she shouldn't be telling you anything (her lack of respect for you) she may ask but "tell you". She is mad because she senses you are not at her beck and call and may be moving on. Well, she can't have it both ways, she would like to but that would make you a doormat. Just get on with your life and go NC. I think after awhile you will start to question if you really want to date her again.

[heyitskit]

Because you quit playing games. You don't owe her any explanations why you do what you do (she gave that away when she broke up). By the way she shouldn't be telling you anything (her lack of respect for you) she may ask but "tell you". She is mad because she senses you are not at her beck and call and may be moving on. Well, she can't have it both ways, she would like to but that would make you a doormat. Just get on with your life and go NC. I think after awhile you will start to question if you really want to date her again.

 

Well I already know I'm probably not going to be dating her again. She ended up talking to a mutual friend, telling him about our love life including intimate details and how I was the worst she ever had etc, who ended up relaying some of it to me. She's become completely vindictive and spiteful now, and in no way resembles the girl I fell in love with 2 years ago. I just want to move on now and hopefully I'll find a girl who respects and appreciates me, even thru ups and downs.

[becomingkate]

I think you did the right thing. I hope the rest of the summer is good for you.

[Kaytie]

Wow, she is incredibly immature and selfish. You are doing the right thing by keeping your distance and cutting off contact. She sounds like she's upset you aren't pining after her or chasing her, so even though she decided to end it she expected you to still go after her. By you not playing her game she loses control of you and the situation and then loses her mind. Keep doing what you're doing and ignore her. She doesn't deserve a single response. If she shows up at your place then don't answer.

[heyitskit]

So a little bit of an update:

 

Found out thru the grape vine that the ex is already moving in with some other guy. I'm a little upset honestly, but not enough to make it effect me too much since I'm completely swamped with finals for this summer quarter of my grad program.

 

I also met a pretty cool girl recently, we've been talking for about a week now on a off almost everyday. She seems really into me and loves to see the work I've been doing for my illustration classes. Unfortunately she had surgery recently so we haven't been able to go out for dinner or drinks at all, but we're planning on a date in about a week and a half when she's all healed up. Honestly I really like her. She's funny, cute and has been pretty flirty with me since we started talking. Just a little worried I may be diving back into the dating scene a bit soon but I'm really interested in her so I don't want to just ignore something that could be good. I might take it a bit slow though, no point in screwing it up by going too fast because my mind tells me I need to be in a relationship hah.