Donovan79 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 So it seems like if you just start dating someone, either of three options can happen: 1) You both hit it off, you're perfect for each other, date after date you just get more comfortable, the sex is great, and hey, maybe you get married. Cool. Chances are 1 out of 1000. 2) You get to really like them. They're attractive, fun, funny, maybe a little bit reserved, but you keep looking forward to the next time you talk or see them. Eventually things break down, maybe an ex comes back into their life, maybe they're too busy, maybe they're just not into you, but you get the vibe that they're not into you and eventually you just stop communicating. Sad. 3) They like you but you have to put a stop to it because you don't like them back. Just happened tonight, and I feel terrible. Girl I went on three dates with and been talking to for six weeks, really liked her. She slept over this past weekend, but after spending 24 hours with her I just wasn't feeling it. I made all the jokes, conversation, but everything from her was just "wow... it's been six years since I've found someone I really like". So much pressure. After all the crap with my ex and other hassles going on this summer, I just wanted a few casual flings, but I learned she hadn't dated anyone in so long because she was "picky", but for me it was too fast and killed all the fun. Finally today I picked up the phone and said yeah, I think we should stop, you're amazing but I'm just not feeling it right now. I'm so sorry. She was hurt, called me a bunch of names, said I'll always regret this, and I feel terrible yet think it's better that I did it now rather than drag it out longer where it'd hurt even more. Why is it so hard to give a good shot to making #1 happen but have neither party get too beat up if you both give it a go and 2 or 3 end up being the result? Did I do the wrong thing?
laura40 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Sorry I don't know what to write really but if your heart wasn't in it with the girl then calling it off was the right thing to do. Sorry this isn't much help!
ballerina22 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I think girls find thid confusing because when we (or at least I) like someone.. we like them. The pace of the relationship or what we talk about doesn't change how we feel.. You probably didn't REALLY like her to begin with, otherwise you wouldn't be so turned of by her just saying how much she likes you. You didnt do anything wrong.
camus154 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 No, you did the right thing. It's just amazingly hard...really, really hard...to find a good match. I dated around for a few years before saying to hell with it, I was so fed up. And I hate playing into a cliche, but sure as *&$, the moment I stopped looking was the moment I met my girlfriend out at the bars. Totally random. Hang in there.
annie24 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I think I've been in the 3rd girl's position before, many times. it's unfortunate. you tell a guy you like him, and he runs away screaming. WTH?
happpybear Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 After all the crap with my ex and other hassles going on this summer, I just wanted a few casual flings, did she know that was all you are looking for? Is this what she was looking for? if you were not up front and honest that you are not looking for a relationship (and she is) then i can see why she would be upset Why is it so hard to give a good shot to making #1 happen Is this what you actually want? or flings?
happpybear Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I think I've been in the 3rd girl's position before, many times. it's unfortunate. you tell a guy you like him, and he runs away screaming. WTH? Ya I have been in this position too, it happened recently too, and i found out that even though he likes me, he is afraid of me...wth..
annie24 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 did she know that was all you are looking for? Is this what she was looking for? if you were not up front and honest that you are not looking for a relationship (and she is) then i can see why she would be upset Is this what you actually want? or flings? yeah, seriously, what the heck does Chris want??? They like you but you have to put a stop to it because you don't like them back. Just happened tonight, and I feel terrible. Girl I went on three dates with and been talking to for six weeks, really liked her. In one sentence, he says he doesn't like her, and in the next sentence, he likes her. but breaks up with her. Crazy, don't you think????? i think it's time you sat down and thought about what you REALLY TRULY ACTUALLY want.
Pineapplejuice Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 You did the right thing. Sad but true. As said before by other posters. I dislike dating too in some way, because, I feel like it's a bit forcing stuff... You don't want to come off as clingy nor greedy nor desperate etc. You have to behave in a way that doesn't seem to resemble those things. It's pretty hard actually, ugh! Why...? Example: I'm dating a guy. I did initiate the contact, asked him out. So... we just dated once. On that date he asked if I would like to go to the movies next week (this week now). He texted me he ejoyed and he'll come up with a date and now there's the waiting. I just wanna stay connected ask how he's doing and stuff but don't want to come off as clingy or desperate. So that's the deal lol. Yea I will keep on waiting... I know it's going to work out fine but.. okay I hope you get my point.
annie24 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 You did the right thing. Sad but true. I don't think so. I don't think he gave the girl a proper chance. She told him she liked him, first guy she liked in a long time. she didn't say she wanted to marry him. where does all the pressure come from? From himself. He put unnecessary pressure. The girl was just saying she really liked him - and you would hope after 3 dates and spending 24 hours together, two people like each other. Truthfully, it is utterly bizarre when a man says, "you're amazing, i had so much fun with you, you're a wonderful person. i just can't date you anymore." it's like, what the hell. maybe they really want women who are going to treat them like crap, not return phone calls and act distant and cold. some people really like that, even though they say they are looking for an emotionally healthy relationship. pffft. a girl expresses her interest and then that's "too much pressure." blah!!
camus154 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I don't understand where all the confusion is here. 3 dates is nothing. You barely know someone after 3 dates. And realizing you're not jiving with them after the first 24 stretch? What's so hard to believe about that? Is there some rule that states a man absolutely must know how he feels about a woman after 3 dates, otherwise he's jerking her around?
laura40 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Actually reading through the responses I am going to agree with you here Annie. I've had the "you're amazing but i can't date you anymore" line said to me. I also find that some guys will run for the hills if you admit you like them after an amount of time. One guy in particular was really keen on me, was looking for a relationship, things were going well. I admitted I liked him more than a friend and he ran for the hills - never did hear from him again, was really strange seeing as he was the one who told me he liked me first & thought I was amazing.. yet I say I like him back and he runs! I'm rambling here anyway!
Helis4life Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I've just been through no2. Met a girl, beautiful, smart, funny, could speak for hours, loved being around her. We had an intense weekend together, went out several times. It was amazing. But then I asked her where we were going and she told me she had baggage from a previous relationship and couldn't offer anything to anyone. The world is amuch colder place ltately
annie24 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I don't understand where all the confusion is here. 3 dates is nothing. You barely know someone after 3 dates. And realizing you're not jiving with them after the first 24 stretch? What's so hard to believe about that? Is there some rule that states a man absolutely must know how he feels about a woman after 3 dates, otherwise he's jerking her around? I agree with you. You don't really know someone after 3 dates. All you know is that they smell nice and you are sexually attracted to them and you enjoy their company. It's this part that gets me: She was hurt, called me a bunch of names, said I'll always regret this, and I feel terrible yet think it's better that I did it now rather than drag it out longer where it'd hurt even more. After 3 dates, he's decided that she likes him too much, and it will never work, and it's better to break up with her now rather than 6 months down the line when she's really going to get hurt. huh???? all because she told him she was picky with men and that she was having a great time with him. gosh, i don't know. what about just going on a 4th date??
annie24 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Actually reading through the responses I am going to agree with you here Annie. I've had the "you're amazing but i can't date you anymore" line said to me. I also find that some guys will run for the hills if you admit you like them after an amount of time. One guy in particular was really keen on me, was looking for a relationship, things were going well. I admitted I liked him more than a friend and he ran for the hills - never did hear from him again, was really strange seeing as he was the one who told me he liked me first & thought I was amazing.. yet I say I like him back and he runs! I'm rambling here anyway! I've talked to my therapist about this issue. Her take is that many people are scared. Scared of being truly open to a relationship, because that requires vulnerability, which means they can get hurt. to really enter into a relationship is to make yourself vulnerable and exposed and that makes some people feel very uncomfortable. thus they run away. and maybe get into relationships where they don't really have to make themselves available.
happpybear Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I agree with you. You don't really know someone after 3 dates. All you know is that they smell nice and you are sexually attracted to them and you enjoy their company. It's this part that gets me: After 3 dates, he's decided that she likes him too much, and it will never work, and it's better to break up with her now rather than 6 months down the line when she's really going to get hurt. huh???? all because she told him she was picky with men and that she was having a great time with him. gosh, i don't know. what about just going on a 4th date?? He is making stupid excuses to not date because he isn't emotionley available and he just wants some "casual flings"
Donovan79 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Love all the analysis of what's wrong with me going on here from only the first post. Camus nailed it as always, though. I got to date three and after 24 hours with her realized we're just more different than I thought. I grew up in the Navy and there's an aircraft carrier literally parked off my terrace right now in preparation for the Olympics. I made a joke about how we should have a few drinks and go steal the keys and take the aircraft carrier for a spin. Her response: "what's an aircraft carrier?". Now, that may not be a dealbreaker in itself, but that plus a number of other comments ("If you ever left this city I'd kill you! Hahaha!", "Ooo. It'd be fun to stalk you.", "You wouldn't consider being my boyfriend, would you? No, nevermind, too soon!") just made me feel a little off kilter. And yet a lot of the other talks had been fun, though too often on the kinky side and not enough just normal chitchat, if that's possible. I think girls find thid confusing because when we (or at least I) like someone.. we like them. The pace of the relationship or what we talk about doesn't change how we feel.. You probably didn't REALLY like her to begin with, otherwise you wouldn't be so turned of by her just saying how much she likes you. You didnt do anything wrong. I find this very interesting and so true. Girls really don't care about pace or what's said or whether or not guys are interesting or fun or boring once they decide they like them. I think the suggestion that I didn't really like her from the start is debatable. I think I saw potential in the beginning, but is it not fair to say that dating is a process of getting to know someone, and in that process sometimes what you find doesn't match your first impression? And yeah, I went through a pretty sh***y relationship recently and realized I'm kinda not emotionally available atm. I'd freaking love a real girlfriend who I was crazy about in a few months when my job has settled down and I've made my September 1 move and everything else is under control in life. But if I say that the idea of some "casual flings" to get my perspective back in order sounds good right now is the estrogen squad on this board gonna lynch me??
annie24 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 It's one thing if you just aren't feeling the connection, and I for sure would be creeped out by the killing/stalking jokes. But you said in your first post that you felt like the fact that she liked you made it lose the fun. yes, those were your own words. so do you want some casual flings, or are you really looking for #1?? Or do you want #1 in the distant future, but not until a few flings first???? I do agree that dating is a process and that it takes a while to get to know someone, which is why I think it's kind of weird that you decided to call it off now rather than in the future. maybe if she had gotten to know you better, she would have decided she didn't like you so much and broken up with you....?
Donovan79 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 I called it off after three dates because it became clear by date 2 that she was already ready for a commitment where I wasn't sure. Then she got pushy but I went for date 3 anyway. After date 3 I couldn't handle all the "you're so great", "don't you like me?", "is everything okay?", "you're so great", "I haven't found someone I like this much in a long time" comments. It's not that she liked me that much that bothers me, it's that I want to talk about something else for a little bit but I can't because you don't know what an aircraft carrier is. Now, if after realizing that I'm losing interest because of all the pressure, I gave her date 4, wouldn't that just make things worse?
annie24 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 ok, well you want a casual fling and she wants a commitment, so you two are better off separate. Did you ever just say to her, "hey - I am just looking to date right now, it's far too soon for me to have any serious relationship conversations." ??
Donovan79 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 ok, well you want a casual fling and she wants a commitment, so you two are better off separate. Come on, Annie. You can't tell by now that it's not even that I wanted a casual fling, it's just that we weren't compatible? Anyone looking for a casual fling will take the real thing if it jumps up and punches them in the gut. That just didn't happen here.
happpybear Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 But if I say that the idea of some "casual flings" to get my perspective back in order sounds good right now is the estrogen squad on this board gonna lynch me?? Not at all, you do what you gotta do, just be upfront about what you are looking for with a new date!
annie24 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 it's been six years since I've found someone I really like". So much pressure. After all the crap with my ex and other hassles going on this summer, I just wanted a few casual flings, your own words chris. I added to my last post - did you ever just tell her that it's too soon for you to be discussing commitment and other serious relationship issues on the 3rd date?
annie24 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 And yeah, I went through a pretty sh***y relationship recently and realized I'm kinda not emotionally available atm. I'd freaking love a real girlfriend who I was crazy about in a few months when my job has settled down and I've made my September 1 move and everything else is under control in life. But if I say that the idea of some "casual flings" to get my perspective back in order sounds good right now is the estrogen squad on this board gonna lynch me?? I agree that you're not emotionally unavailable at the moment because your head is all over the place. first you say you are looking for #1 - the happy relationship leading to marriage, but then you say you just want some casual flings.... at least until Sept. 1 I mean, it's fine to want whatever it is you want. It just doesn't sound like you know what you want. I suspect it changes depending on the time of day and the direction of the wind.
Donovan79 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 I agree that you're not emotionally unavailable at the moment because your head is all over the place. first you say you are looking for #1 - the happy relationship leading to marriage, but then you say you just want some casual flings.... at least until Sept. 1 I mean, it's fine to want whatever it is you want. It just doesn't sound like you know what you want. I suspect it changes depending on the time of day and the direction of the wind. For a place with a name like ENA I'm suddenly feeling so alone. Of course I want 1 to happen. Anyone does. But right now I'm fine with flings. In a few months, I won't accept just flings. But you sound like you've got more going on than just my post.
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