Another message from my ex

[playstheblues]

Last night I received another message from my ex. This is the second within a week which is completely odd seeing we usually have contact every couple of months of so.

 

Basically the comment was not a question or anything else, just a throwaway comment I.e. an 'in' joke from when were together.

 

But now for the drumroll..............

 

I have not responded and I'm not going to. Just because he's feeling lonely at the moment (obviously) does not mean I'm going to put aside my own feelings again to cater for him as I've done this entire time.

 

You know what? I don't even really think I want to get back with him. I'm not sure of course, and I suppose you don't really know until the opportunity actually presents itself and I know that's not going to happen (don't worry, I not delusional enough to think tht two messages = him wanting to reconcile.) but my point is, I think this whole thing is about knowing it hasn't been easy for him either. I feel like that into do with my value and that's something I'm working on.

 

Right now I'm actually angry that he thinks he can sneakily just send messages and have that banter with me. He can't. He gave up that right. He also made it clear that we were over and never getting back together really (half the time and the other half he'd be apologizing and saying he didn't deserve me).

 

I could be as mean to him as he was to me when I asked him a simple question once and he said 'you need to stomp worrying about me- we are over-forget it) etc etc etc. I'm not going to, but I'm also not going to answer him until he behaves like an adult.

 

It's not illegal to want to talk to me but take some responsibility and stop ignoring the msive elephant. What about a 'hi, how are things going for you- I'm up to blah blah blah... Just a friendly message that doesn't contain any pet names, or any of his stupid jokes.

 

At this stage, he's nothing but an ex. Not a friend. and in reality hes never going to be. And he's doing that to himself. And quite frankly, I'm getting fairly sick of him not taking responsibility and just being a nice normal human being.

 

I know he doesn't know how to act, but neither do I and I'm always trying my best.i think of other people first. He thinks of his own short term needs first which really is what has gotten him into trouble all along.

 

Don't give up what you want most for what you want now.

[Hardtimes]

That is so ridiculously amazing of u, u inspire me, my ex has that habit of sending me pics when we r on a break and i always catered but this latest break up its not gonna happen, she made a decision and shes gonna lie with it, shes not getting the best of both worlds, our exes r soooo selfish, our time will come i promise!! Hang in there and stay tough

[playstheblues]

Thanks, you hang on too! There are some horrendous times but this has been a long time coming.

[One day]

Oh my PTB,

 

Look how far you have come in the last month, at last you've seen that he just can't keep popping back into your life for banter and jokes when it suits him, he lost that right as soon as he said "it's over". Well done

[seoulmate]

One of the toughest things you will deal with is...

 

Since you have replied before the messages continued. It was kind of like "affirmation" for him - either she is 'okay' with how things are or she's moved on and accepted everything.

 

Ignoring him may actually cause him to stop messaging you, and there comes with that a natural "withdrawal" from the odd comfort we find in getting those little surprises. In other words, the effect you want may actually create the opposite feelings you expect. Having him not message you and ceasing this pain may in itself cause a different type of longing and pain.

 

In your heart, you knows it;s best when the contact stops (as it is only playful banter leading to more heartache) but in your heart you also kind of want him to continue to contact you but in a better way that is mature and meaningful. You will start to feel very sad if the contact truly stops rather than it remain but become something of substance. And that hurts a lot because we are actually hoping for our exes to learn that playing with our hearts is not good and we hope they would begin a more natural line of communication that is cogniscent of the current situation (i.e. not together anymore so stop the petnames and jokes).

[FreeFallFeelin]

Three cheers for PTB! I think all of us would leap to answer any messages from the ex, and you've been very very patient and kind while your ex has been pushing your button. But you did it girl. You broke the chain and have taken control of the situation (silence is a message). Good for you! I hope you are proud because you deserve to be.

[einsteins_girl]

PTB, in many of your posts in recent weeks, you've wondered if he thinks about you. This is proof he does. You are right; no need to reply. Take this contact as a gift - an answer to your question - and keep moving.

[lavenderdove]

I'm glad you are able to start thinking about YOU rather than thinking about him.

 

Exes, especially after long relationships, may still want to be friends to hang onto the long history and support they hope you will provide them. They hope if they wait it out you will 'get' that there will never be a relationship again and not expect that of them, but they hope you will still be a friend they can rely on for friendship and support... So in essence they are hoping you will eventually agree to being 'demoted' from romance to friend.

 

So they will periodically crop up to test that and see if you're finally 'OK' with the breakup and will now be a friend only. So personally i think the quickest way to make this kind of upsetting contact stop is to be very blunt with them. Every time he contacts you, just respond back with the truth as in saying, 'i'm sorry, have you changed your mind and want to try again? Being friends doesn't work for me so I'm only interested in hearing from you if you've changed your mind an are interested in working on getting back together again. If you're not interested in trying again, please don't contact me because i have no interest in staying friends if you don't want to be my BF.

 

That way you've made it clear what you think acceptable contact is, and that you are not ever going to be his buddy and fan club unless he chooses a relationship. Some exes are stubborn and/or selfish and do take many rounds of restating your boundaries and unwillingness for 'just friends' before they will leave you alone.

[Fraggle]

Hey PTB, just come back and seen your post and so please for you that you feel you have the strength not to respond and that it doesn't frighten you not to respond.

 

They are all good signs for you and that you are taking control.

 

Why do they do this, as if things are cyclical but not reciprocal? Yo go through a phase of missing them and wanting them, then you go off them and the chances are when you do they contact you and the interest isn't there....

 

I don't sense the level of angst or pain I used to in your messages and it sounds as if you're making progress. Hopefully moving back to the city out feared and facing those fears has made you stronger and made you realise you can do this without him and that maybe, just maybe you're better off without him?

 

ATB

 

Frag

[playstheblues]

FRAG!!

 

So nice to hear from you. Where have you been? More importantly, how have you been going?!

 

I wrote this post when I was feeling particularly strong. I may not stay that way- I mean- I know I won't - the cycles will come back, but hopefully they are shorter each time around and my strength becomes a longer, less fleeting 'point.'

 

I don't know why he's doing it. He may be lonely at the moment and it is coming up to a year for the breakup- I've been through what I hope is the worst of it and to be honest, he probably hasn't. At some point you have to face your demons.

 

I don't want to be mean but it will be a lot easier for me if I see some regret. I don't know why it is, and I do feel particularly evil, but when he contacts me or I know he's not going as great as he makes out, I feel a bit better.

 

I think it has to do with feeling like I wasn't so easy to walk away from because if I was, it sort of, in my head, devalued our relationship and devalued me. I still sort of think 'if even he didnt stay- why would someone else?'

 

In my mind, He made me 'the least important person' in his life, and that was/is something I find very difficult to come to terms with.

 

I'm getting there, perhaps I feel strong at the moment because he's contacted and I feel strength from that.

 

Maybe he is just 'trying to be friends' but either way, I feel a bit better about the situation than him just being able to walk away seemingly without consequence.

[Fraggle]

You're not being mean or evil, it is understandable to feel some animosity towards them given what they've put you through and they almost seem oblivious when they are needy, as if it is one way traffic... it isn't and it shouldn't be.

 

Even if your strength is only short lived it is there and it is growing, you feel that you can say what you feel without the fear of him having an emotional hold over you. Don't feel bad because you're not giving him what he needs. He never even thought about that when he put you through the grinder....

 

Where ever the strength is coming from use it to your advantage. Maybe you feel strength that he has the urge to contact you and more importantly you don't have the urge to instantly respond and try and be nice to lure him back.

 

Instead there is a refreshing level of independence from you now which will stand you in good stead even if you wobble now and then that doesn't matter. We all wobble now and then after a LTR.

 

So pleased for you.

 

I've sent you a PM as not to hijack the thread

[playstheblues]

Thanks fraggle! Glad to hear you are no longer fragile fraggle too.

 

I'm feeling a little less strong than I was before- in fact I felt a bit upset when I saw one of my ex's friends at event. It shook me up a bit even though it really shouldn't.

 

Up and down. I think part of this 'down' is realizing that even though he is contacting me , it doesn't mean anything at all really. Even though it's easy to say 'I know it's not about getting back together' it's still hard to disassociate myself completely from those feelings.

 

Part of the down is also because I'm reminding myself that although he does think about me, it's not in the way that ultimately, I want him to.

 

Ugh. Up and down and round and round.

[playstheblues]

So we all know how hard the weekends can be. Dreading this weekend.

 

I know now that I do feel strength when I receive contact from my ex but then I feel weak as it stops. Basically contact just delays the inevitable - which will be when we are completely NC. There will be times when I run into him every few years, at mutual friends events etc, but that will be it.

 

I don't know if I feel strong because it feels slightly like a rejection retraction or because it does delay the inevitable,or because it does conjure up thoughts that he may at least be missing me. I guess it helps to think he may be suffering slightly because it would mean tht I wasn't so easy to walk away from. Should tht dictate my value? No. It at the moment, it does to a certain extent lthough I'm getting better at trying to not let it.

 

I still miss the idiot so it's hard not to respond to his jokes. If he wants to have a conversation, he can pick up the phone and do so.

 

In reality, he doesn't want that, or maybe he does, but not enough. He just wants little bits of contact to prop him up on his low times, so he can keep going. When we broke up and he would come around to our house he would be animated and happy and when I asked him how he could be given the circumstances, he would answer "it's when I'm near you."

 

He's probably not doing it consciously because I don't think he's a bad person, I just think he's been extremely selfish throughout his life in many ways, which is disguised under his kind exterior.

 

So I have to remember that he does think about me, does miss me but really, it doesn't make any difference. These things Do not equal reconciliation. I also dont know if i could reconcile, As time goes by its less and lessoikely,mbut iwould lstilllike to know that he has regrets.

 

He's not even emotionally mature enough to give a phone call and instead sends little messages with petnames etc. I have to remember that sporadically I may receive immature, selfish messages. I can choose together respond or not. If he's behaving like an adult and asks about my well being etc- I may answer, but not, then no. I'll do whatever feels right t the time. I've learnt that now I'm a bit more capable of rational thought, it's much more important to follow my instincts thn follow some blanket rule.

 

It's going to be a tough weekend for many reasons. It's almost a year since the split and there's a lotofstuff going on. W won't be in contact and although I secretly wish for more contact, I know I'm doing the best I can by not returning his crumbs. I will get through this weekend. More pain more thinking more hurt but I will get through.

 

I know it's not about him, but i hope some of the other posters I.e.my ENA friends are right in that he's lost more than he could ever hope to replace and I hope he one day realises it.