palomanegra Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Is it possible, really plausible, that someone could push somebody away simply because they feel they are not good enough for them? Is it possible to refuse to love someone or let them in because you are afraid that they will leave you one day? Has anyone ever thought this way or left someone behind because of this kind of thinking? I would like to know. Thanks.
mhowe Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Anyone who says that has incredibly low self esteem and being in a relationship w/ them would be a constant struggle. Believe them -- and find someone who has a better self image. You cannot fix them, you cannot prove they are worthy.
Natasha24 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 It's hard to say. I'm sure some people just use that as a lame excuse for dumping someone. I think that for that phrase to be legitimate and 100% true, the person probably either cheated or did something else that "lowered" themselves in their own eyes. I imagine that if you really think you're not good enough to date someone, you never would have gotten together with them in the first place.
palomanegra Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 I kind of have always felt like that is a cop out. It is an excuse. Like one of those "it isn't you, it's me" type of things. Obviously it would be hard to deal with that sort of situation. My real question is, is it even possible for someone to feel that way. I feel like if I felt that way and someone really wonderful loved me, I wouldn't let them go.
dasilver Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Is it possible to refuse to love someone or let them in because you are afraid that they will leave you one day? Has anyone ever thought this way or left someone behind because of this kind of thinking? I would like to know. Thanks. I've never not dated anyone because i was afraid they would one day leave me. Nobody can guarantee forever... That's just a nice way of saying "I'm not interested"
HeartGoesOn Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 That's a classic excuse, as well as a polite way of saying, "I'm just not into you." I wouldn't take it personally, and would simply move on.
SAButterfly Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I don't know...my ex told me things like that all the time "I love you a lot more than you love me", "you'd never marry me" and even after he broke up with me said "you have horrible taste because you dated me." He frequently put himself down and I know for a fact that he is insecure and has extremely low self-esteem. So maybe it could be that he feels he isn't good enough. Does he have more of an avoidant personality?
palomanegra Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 SAB; This guy, I'll call him Ben, and I have a long sorted history. A "saga" if you will. We have been on and off for six years. Usually what happens is that we will be together and then all of a sudden he ups and leaves me for someone else. He never says "I don't want you". He never says anything. He never gives me any kind of explanation for why he doesn't commit to me but he can commit to horrible women he apparently meets outside the ninth circle of hell. I've done nothing but try to show him how much I love him. He inevitably comes back to me after his train wreck relationships crash and burn. But a few months of us trying things out and it's back to business as usual. He once told me I wasn't good enough for him. He flat out said that. Then he also flat out said that the only reason I wanted him was because I didn't know I could do better than him. So which one is it? It's one or the other or it isn't either and he is just insane! My theory is that he can't come up with an explanation for what he does because I'm his plan B. His reliable back up. I don't go anywhere. I'm always around. He knows I love him and I'm having a hard time moving on so he figures if he never finds anyone better, in his mind , whatever better is, he will always have me to fall back on. Ugh. Typing that made me vomit a little.
SAButterfly Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 He sounds like a commitment-phobe. A lot of times, these people don't understand why they can't be happy. They just start feeling stressed with things get too close and intimate and bolt for someone that can provide a shallow relationship so that they don't feel so alone. I really recommend the book He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships It really helped me understand why, when things were going so well in my relationship, my ex (out of the blue) devalued me, hurt me terribly, and eventually dumped me.
palomanegra Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Yeah... only... he DOES commit. To horrible creatures from the dark lagoon. I'm the one he messages and calls to complain about them around the end of the first year of those relationships. I'm such a schmuck. I'm educated. I'm goal driven. I have a good job. I'm going places. I'm kind. I'm intelligent. I'm loving. I'm pretty. Why do I have to keep chasing this bum around? I wish I didn't have this incessant need to figure him out. I think that more than anything, I just need closure which he refuses to give to me. This last time on the merry go round, he unfriended me on Facebook but he's friends with all of MY friends. People who don't even talk to him. It drives me insane. Why? WHY? If I'm so horrible and you don't want me, dude, burn that bridge. I'll get the matches, you get the gasoline. Oy. Maybe I need to read that book. Or see a shrink. This has gone on too long.
SAButterfly Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Yeah, read the book. It was pretty insightful. Your ex might commit to these other people, but I'm sure the relationships are shallow (there's no chance of deeper emotional connection). He sounds like he needs therapy and he'll keep repeating this cycle. Your best bet is to move on and find someone who appreciates you and feels lucky to have you when you're together. Easier said than done, I know. I kept and still keep asking myself why I'm still hung up on my ex, who was so horrible to me at the end. He dropped from his life, blamed me for everything and NEVER reached out. Sigh
Ahhh Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 OP, have you tried dating or being with anyone else? A good way to get that closure is to start living your life the way you want and not based on when your ex suddenly decides he wants back in your life. Maybe you need to see what it's like to be with someone who cares about you and doesn't jerk you around. Also, it almost sounds like you're asking for his permission to let you go. You need to remember that you're in control and have the ability to cut him out. Don't give the oppurtunity for him to keep coming back. He won't burn that bridge ever, you need to do it. For you.
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.