Sleeping with my friend who I just confessed feelings for right after a breakup

[cest moi]

So 13 days ago my boyfriend of 2 years and I split up because he cheated (that's another story for another time). Anyway at first I was devastated, then I realized I deserve soooo much better anyway and got over it really fast though honestly sometimes the feeling of betrayal and getting used to a new routine does make me a little upset but otherwise I'm fine. I'm not rebounding, I swear

 

Enter my very very good male friend. During my break up he called me 3 times a day, sang me songs on his guitar before bed, encouraged me, gave me advice, defended me, let me me rant like a crazy person in his ear and let me sleep over at his house...and thats where the trouble started. I've ALWAYS liked him but when we met he wasn't into me. 3 years later, we're very attracted to eachother and of course, we ended up getting physical. Then the next week I called him for a last minute dinner, to which he said yes and we got physical again.

 

I decided to man up and tell him how I feel and his response is that while everything about us is good, that the only reason he doesn't want to explore being more than friend is because we agreed something was missing and that something is the "spark". So how did we agree on this, you ask? Well....my secret guilt story is that months earlier after a huge fight with my ex, I let my friend take me as his date to a big ball and we had a wonderful time and fooled around (no sex), so yes I cheated first. And I felt sooooo guilty that the first thing I said when I woke up the next morning was "look that was fun but I don't want it to happen again and besides there was no spark so lets not go there again". BUT I WAS LYING (which I've told him) out of guilt and because I wanted to be with my ex. So anyway now my friend says he agrees but I definitely feel something when I kiss him and we have so much eye contact during.

 

Anyway I wish I hadn't have said that because he'd be amazing for me. He's so caring, giving and attentive and can never find a girl who doesn't want to treat him like crap, which I totally wouldn't. Do you think there's any turning that situation around in my favour? Oh btw we talked it over and decided to stay exclusive FWB until we find other relationships so I just don't want things to get weird. I'm 23, he's 24 btw.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds like rebound to me....also sounds like you are missing the notion of being in a relationship so here was a guy who paid attention to you and made you feel like you had all the perks of being in a relationship, so you jumped into a pseudo-relationship with him. Being an FWB with him when he has clearly stated he doesn't want a relationship with you, is probably going to lead to a lot of drama and angst in the long run, as it typically does with FWBs.

[NewHope]

Hmm. So you cheated on your ex, you had feelings for the other guy, but you didn’t tell your ex about it. You kept him stringed and you decided it’s ok. And now when he cheated on you, you think you deserve sooo much better?

 

And how can you be so sure you wouldn’t treat that new guy like crap? Isn’t it how you treated your ex?

 

Do you think there's any turning that situation around in my favour?

I think there is. If he won’t find someone with whom he will get that “spark” in the mean time.

[Dragunov-21]

Oh btw we talked it over and decided to stay exclusive FWB until we find other relationships so I just don't want things to get weird. I'm 23, he's 24 btw.

 

Mutually exclusive, you only get to choose one.

 

You just broke up with someone, you like him, there's a good chance he likes you (unless I'm reading it wrong), you think you're gonna be exclusive FWBs and just switch off the moment one of you meets someone else? One of you is going to get hurt very badly.

 

Either tell him the truth and ask/try going out properly, or don't go there again. Speaking from experience, somewhat.

[cest moi]

Hmm. So you cheated on your ex, you had feelings for the other guy, but you didn’t tell your ex about it. You kept him stringed and you decided it’s ok. And now when he cheated on you, you think you deserve sooo much better?

 

And how can you be so sure you wouldn’t treat that new guy like crap? Isn’t it how you treated your ex?

 

 

I think there is. If he won’t find someone with whom he will get that “spark” in the mean time.

 

I didn't get into the details of the relationship with my ex but he was extremely negligent, selfish and emotionally abusive. I should have broken it off before it ever started and thought several times about it but stayed in because things were slowly getting better and when they were good, they were very good, but only on his watch, in his time... I see now how unhappy I was and that I've been mourning my relationship for a long time, thats why its not rebounding to me. I have been kind of used to the thought of not being with him for a while but the way he betrayed my trust, why he did it, and how I found out still really hurt. I knew I was never going to cheat again even if I stayed, after that incident I rededicated myself to him and stopped talking to my friend to assess how I felt. I've liked my friend for 3+ years but timing has never allowed us to give it a try because we did have an initial spark (which I really wish I hadn't denied now). We have an amazing rapport, can be totally honest with each other and flirt like crazy.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, it is indeed a rebound..you chose to stay in a bad relationship to be in a relationship...13 days after the split you are trying every which way to get involved with your friend, even settling for an FWB in order to have some kind of relationship. If both of you were truly interested in each other, you would have ended your relationship with your ex the minute you cheated on him with this friend. I suspect your interest in your friend is less true relationship interest and more about having some kind of romantic thing happening in your life rather than being single with no romantic prospects.

[mhowe]

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck.

 

You are in a rebound relationship. You can call it anything you want. Thirteen days....days?

 

And sadly, you jumped on him so as not to be alone, while he has feelings for you.

[guynextdoor]

Have you ever thought maybe your friend doesn't want anything more than a fwb because he now knows that you lack loyalty in a relationship?