When he makes you feel bad about his own mistakes

[Courtney Jones]

So me and my husband have been together for over a year and we were also on and off before that. I was actually married once before but it didnt work. I had two kids from my ex and they are now my husbands kids really. We had a lot of issues in the past but we were able to start new. we got married last month and are already having some issues that I dont know if I can look past or not. He has an ex as well that keeps trying to get him back. They were really in love and they had a kid together but her legal father is not him. so he messaged her asking her to call him last saturday while i was gone saying it was the only time he could talk to her. She emailed me that message and when I asked him about it he denied it. She had given me her password and everything and it showed that he emailed it to her the night i was gone. He still denied it. While driving back home he started yelling at me saying i was a horrible wife because i didnt trust him and that he just doesnt care anymore. He said he is tired if me not trusting him and that I was only doing this to try and leave he said. It just went on and on. He made me feel like **** and even though i knew he was wrong part of me tried telling myself he wasnt. Its hard when you love someone so much and HAD so much trust in them to not trust them. I found more proof that he did it. after about 5 hours or 6 of fighting he finnaly told me that he sent it because he wanted to see his daughter, and once again saying he had to lie because of me, He said i wouldnt let him see or talk to his daughter...which i never said that. Most of the issues got fixed...but here is my final issue. How can I be with someone who had no issue hurting me so bad, made me feel so bad about all this...when he was in the wrong. I have never felt more like **** in my life. If he really loved me would he have done that? said all of that? im just very confused and I dont know what to do now or how to feel. Any advice. Please

[chickydoodle]

I think, by reacting the way you are, you are falling into the ex's ploy of wrecking his and your rship. What she did was so wrong and a tactic to cause disharmony with you too.

 

His motive for lying could have been - he thought you would mis-perceive the situation and start taking it personally.

 

He was wrong to imply to the ex that you control him...........v weak.

 

You need to be clear with him on what you find apropriate regarding contact with the ex. Tell him you wouldnt have minded that email if it was done in an open and honest way.

 

The good thing is - he wont trust the ex to send her any more. Ask him to send any while you are around.

 

It is normal for him to pine for his daughter. He is prob just confused as to how to do it in a way that wont make you jealous.

 

Flying off the handle, will drive him away.

 

I dont know if the issue is one of trust so much as having to accept the ex will be in his life - for ever. He prob has some feeling for her that you will have to accept and try not to mis-read as Love ( its prob frienship). You just need to be open with him regarding what is bearable or not for you , regarding contact with her.

[Courtney Jones]

He signed over his daughter when she was a baby and hasnt seen her sense. I have no issue with him seeing her though. I would even help him see her. The issue with his ex though is the only way he can see her is if he leaves me. But again all of that isnt my issue. The part that is hard for me is the fact the he lied for so long and made me feel horrible about him lying by saying i was a bad wife for even thinking he would say that to her. He has a way of saying hurtful things and i try to get over it but its hard when i do so much for him and do everything i can to make him happy and he makes me feel bad when he was the one lying. I told him i was sorry if he thought he couldnt see his daughter. But he doesnt even seem to feel bad that he made me feel so low even though he was the one lying.

[mhowe]

Many people, when confronted w/ a lie they don't want to admit to, get angry and project all that they are feeling on the accuser.

 

I am not saying this is right, or that it is not hurtful. It just is.

 

Your hubby's ex created this situation on purpose. You need to not get sucked into the drama. Make sure your husband knows you support his thoughts on meeting his daughter -- and make sure that communication between you stays open and honest. Keep his ex at arms length.