I want him back!

[SweetM2012]

I've never posted to a forum before, so here goes. We met when I was 17 and him 19. Have that torrid, passionate and often tumultuous relationship that teenagers do so well. We both partied a lot, but his drinking was beyond control. He commited a crime one night while intoxicated that landed him in prison for 5 years. During the 1st year, I visited him every week. After a while, I met someone new and fell in love but never stopped communiticating with my ex through letters and phone calls. The letters and phone calls lasted the entire time and on his end saying we would end up together and how we could survive anything. Often times I would ignore the calls and rarely wrote back. After a while I felt even when he did come home, I could never be with him again.

Well, eventually things soured with my current relationship, and I started visiting my ex again. He was going to be home in under a year. As soon as I saw him for the 1st time in years I knew I was in love again. It was the same way I had fallen before, at first sight. I started answering all his calls and eventually starting making plans for the future. The night he finally returned, we were together. It took us almost a week for sex though( i think he was scared). I kept asking him if he was sure he wanted to get back together right away, and he kept saying yes. So we were together again, just like that. He had become a very responsible, hardworking person. It was wonderful and we were so in love.

About a year later he did start drinking again but responsibly, and never more than maybe 5 beers a week. I was the one who was drinking too much and staying out late partying. But if he had a problem with it he never said anything. A year and a half after his return, we have a beautiful baby girl. Things got difficult shortly after. I was the only one doing domestic duties while he worked all week and came home to watch t.v. I became very demanding and we just didn't know how to argue effectively. He is also incredibly stubborn, while I anger quickly then get over it. He really had things easy though, especially considering all the child care help he got from myself and my family. It would drive me nuts that on top of that he needed so much time in the evenings and on the weekends to pursue his hobbies. Anyways, when I get mad I can be really nasty, saying horrible things to him. I don't think he can forgive that.

Our daughter had been sharing a room with us because the spare bedroom needed so much work. I did what I could on my part, but being that he is the handy one pushed and pushed for him to finally start fixing up the room for her. Mind her she is 2 at this point! He is someone that can fix any car motor, so a little drywall shouldn't be that hard! I finally got so mad at seeing him wake up another saturday morning and head for the couch, that I threw a fit. He left, I followed him making things worse. Then I decided I would take our child and move in with my mom. By the time I changed my mind a few days later, he was the one saying he was done! I begged and pleaded for a month until he finally takes me back.

We were back together for about 7 awful months. His drinking escalated to the point of lying to me saying he was gonna pick up pull-ups and not coming home until the next evening.He acted very cold and distant, flirted with women in front of me(something he had never done before), and would disappear often. Most times he would just stay at a friends or go on drunken drives around town. I know this because he usually answered his phone. Like a fool, I kept chasing after him. I knew I was losing him but I just could't let him go. I really think he resented me for this. He would always turn things around on me, saying it is my fault he drinks!

Things had finally started looking up for us, about 3 months ago. He started apologizing and started calling and texting with more frequency, even saying I love you. Then we had a terrible fight where he left. Initially, I said Iwas done again and he agreed. But after a couple days, I just starting feeling desperate. Calling, pleading, guilt-trips,all of it! He said he's done and can't go back to all the arguing and fights. That I never let him do what he wanted. I really feel that we do love eachother, but we aren't good at relating to one another. There was no cheating or abuse, I never witheld affection. I know if we could get counseling eventually we could have a wonderful relationship again. But he just won't talk to me about it all or give me any closure. Any advice on what to do to put my family back together would be greatly appreciated!

 

p.s. he has drunk dialed and texted late at night, and has asked about us having sex once in a while

[SweetM2012]

Geez guys! No words of comfort? Can't get over the fact this person loved and chased me for so long now won't even talk to me!

[tallydoo]

Give him some space. It's not your fault that he drinks so much, and I'd stay away from him until he stops drinking and stops flirting with other women. You don't deserve that, and neither does your child.

 

He needs to step it up if he wants to be with you; you don't need to do anything except walk away and heal. Let him sort himself out.

 

Also, no sex with him; he doesn't get that if he doesn't want all of you.

[Chinafish]

Sorry Sweet, I don't think you're going to like what we have to say. You're obviously so much better off without this guy in your life.

I know you love him, but you should really go NC and get your life back together without him.

 

Maybe one day when he's matured there might be a chance for reconciliation, but for your sake and that of your baby - move on xxx

[SweetM2012]

Thank you both

[Chinafish]

Sending you lots of love and good thoughts xx

[SweetM2012]

Here's an update.

I remained in very limited contact with him. He starts texting in the middle of the night and calling sometimes as well. Then the texts start coming during the day. I stayed very cool and never gave in to requests for me to "come over". A couple weeks ago he found out I had gone on a date and wouldn't stop calling me and texting saying he would rather drink himself to death than imagine me with someone else. We ended up talking on the phone and I realized just how bad his depression and alcoholism has gotten. The next day I convince him to see a doctor to start some kind of therapy and he agrees to go. We keep in touch and he starts texting asking me about what me and our daughter are up to which he had't been asking previously. He would send texts reaching out for help and also telling me he misses me and doesn't want me to move on. But I stayed cool,again.

Well just last weekend was his turn with the baby, and he suggested I stay instead of dropping her and leaving. I told him we have a lot to work on and I don't want to confuse our daughter. Very firmly said no. Unfortunately that same day there was an emergence at my parents house where I am staying which left the house unlivable. So I told him I would be staying after all. He seemed happy and so did my daughter. Things went well for 2 days before he dissapeared at midnight, saying he was going to get beer cause he had the shakes and not returning until2 a.m. It happened again 2 days later but this time he didn't come back until 4, and I saw he was texting someone when he stumbled in. He was very cold this time and said he doesn't love me and had made a mistake!

I can't believe I fell for the lies again! Why did he do this to me again? Iv'e noticed a pattern now in when he reaches out and when he pushes me away. If he is reaching out and contacting me, he always brings up quitting drinking. When he decides to continue drinking, he pushes me away. I'm sure I get in the way of his bar going plans. Is this alcoholic behaviour? Could the alcohol mindset affect the way you feel about someone.

I was just starting to move on and he sucked me right back in. Now I'm so sad and hurt it's unimaginable.

Thanks for any comments~!

[Pleasedonot5]

He was afraid that you were moving on, but after seeing that he still had you hooked on him (probably due to the way you were acting around him), he started to take you for granted again. You need to make this guy realize that he can and is going to lose you. And really, you should stay away from him for a long while. He doesn't sound like someone you would want to have a family with in the first place. He's lazy, depressed, an alcoholic, doesn't want you, and has a jail record. If I was you, I would steer clear and move on from him and his weird behavior.

[SweetM2012]

Thanks for your response donot5. I know all that is true. I guess I just keep hoping that his coldness towards me comes from his disease and that maybe with treatment and recovery he would want to take steps to show he is remorseful and want to put our family back together. It's much harder to believe that he had been decieving me for so long, or worse that he really just doesn't love me anymore.

Believe me, I know how pathetic it sounds. I hate the fact that I'm really going to be a single mother now. He was abandoned by his father as a child and always brought that up, saying he would always keep us together so he would never have to be away from our daughter. Now he is a stranger. I guess that's what becomes of the ones that leave us.