When love isn't enough

[playstheblues]

My ex and I were together for nine years, so I think I can say, were in love. Certainly, I loved him,and still do- maybe he never felt the same, but I know I felt loved at one stage.

 

This break up has been Excruciating for me, for a couple of different reasons. Someone leaving 'out of the blue' is essentially extremely difficult to deal with, but it's bought up all sorts of questioning for me too.

 

I'm doing okay now, much better Than I was anyway.. That is until I know he is around or hear news of him from his family etc.

 

Which brings me to where I'm at now. Perhaps I was a little idealistic before. What happens when Love isn't enough. I spoke about this in a private message before ...

 

If my ex could up and leave and I didn't even know there were serious issues, why would anyone else want to stay?

 

If having your best friend by your side, who you love more than anything else isn't enough to try your best to make things work, I don't know what is.

 

What now? Do I just deal with having a relationship that i wont believe in? Maybe i wont even get that far. Will anyone love me again? What's going to make them any more likely to stay? Will he ever miss me enough? What is enough- if love isn't?

[mhowe]

Love is the easiest part of a relationship. You feel what you feel --- and it comforts, it excites.

 

However, the rest of the relationship takes work! Trust, compromise, listening, communicating effectively.

 

To have been w/ someone for 9 yrs. and to be "left out of the blue" - very disconcerting. But one wonders, did you not see the red flags? Did he not seem distant or disengaged for some time?

 

Being together for a long time --- breeds complacency, boredom and taking each other for granted. It takes effort to continue to recognize that which brought you together.

 

As to what now? You heal --- so that when life brings you another opportunity, you do not damn it because you are still angry about the past.

[duke nukem]

I'm in a similar situatio ptb, albeit my relationship was nearly as long. Anyway, I understand when everything seems fine and then all of a sudden it's over. Really has a way of knocking you for six. But as much as we want to--and I'm as guilty of this as anyone--we can't worry about what may or may not be, what our ex is doing, any of that. It only serves to hurt us. Of course reflecting on mistakes is different, but what I'm talking about is thinking about things that haven't and may never happen, good or bad.

 

As for helping alleviate some of the down feelings, well, go out and meet new people, cliche as it may seem. Maybe you're already doing this, but I know for me just talking to people (usually of the opposite gender) makes me think of the ex far less. And no, I'm not dating anyone yet or hooking up (yuck), just being friends really.

 

I still think of my ex a lot too, heck I just had a dream last night where we reunited passionately (imagine how confused I was when I woke up haha), but any negative emotion does subside. So really, time helps, it just usually takes a lot of it.

 

And you will find someone else, someone better. Maybe it'll be the ex, maybe not whose to say. But you will find love again, or more aptly, love will find you.

[SAButterfly]

I feel ya, PTB. It's so frustrating. I fell hard for my ex and have NEVER felt that way about anyone. I was the happiest i've ever been when I was with him. I thought I had finally found the person I was going to be with the rest of my life. The chemistry was amazing... I would have done anything for him. After the honeymoon phase, I realized that the butterflies were no longer there, but I still loved him enough and was ready to see where the relationship was going to go. I was willing to put in the time, effort, everything, but he wasn't. He told me the spark was gone, he wanted to date other people, we were in two different points in life, etc etc. I was heartbroken and devastated.

 

6-7 months later, he tells me he still loves me and misses me (I definitely still love him), but it doesn't matter. He still doesn't take any responsibility for his part in the relationship; isn't mature, experienced, and emotionally ready for the kind of relationship I want. One that I can depend on and when the going gets tough, he will fight through it with me. Not just cut, run, blame me for everything, and never reach out.

 

I've struggled to let go of him, because my heart still aches for him. I miss our times together, but I have to have hope that I will feel this way again, but with someone who realizes what he has when he has it.

 

Hang in there PTB. You're doing great and deserve so much better than someone who can just drop you from their life.

[One day]

Hi PTB,

 

The only person you need to love at the moment is you, corny I know but true. Don't worry about what the future holds relationship wise just focus on yourself at the moment.

 

You can't judge future happiness and potential relationships on your ex's action.

 

You have a lot to offer PTB, I'm positive that you will love and be loved again.

 

OD

[Nugs]

1. PTB - hi. I feel the same. Long term RS ended out of the blue, 10 months ago, was devastated, appalling, bit better now but really struggle with speaking to her family or friends. It hurts because I love her family, they were my family, and while I want to stay in touch and so do they, every moment with them is just heavy with the memory of her. I still find it too painful.

 

 

2. mhowe- hi. You are right too to ask:

 

"To have been w/ someone for 9 yrs. and to be "left out of the blue" - very disconcerting. But one wonders, did you not see the red flags? Did he not seem distant or disengaged for some time?"

 

She did (seem disengaged). But not all the time and I swear not so much that I thought it was over - nowhere near enough. I thought we were going through a patch - we both had work pressures etc. After 18 years I didn't think that was unusual. I didn't attach enough significance to it I realise that now. But she was vague and never told me anything was bothering her. Sometimes I feel stupid, sometimes I think why should I? - she was hiding the fact she had feelings for someone else.