Did I cheat or get raped?

[littlefoot625]

To start off I'll tell you what happened the first time, I was over at a friend's house, was over there the night before and I was running on 2 hours of sleep. Everyone else was drinking again that night so that made me the designated driver, I had been falling asleep in random places all night so finally around 3 everyone decided it was time to go home. I had my friend's roommate go with me to make sure I didn't fall asleep while driving. On the drive back we were talking about how he had just broken up with his fiance and how he needed to get laid to take his mind off of her. I told him that if he slept with someone else he would feel bad and to just give it time. We get back, and the only other person there is my friend who is passed out drunk. I grab a blanket and go sleep on the couch, friend's roommate goes to his bedroom and I pass out immediately. It was a few hours later because the sun was coming up that I remember getting woken up, but it was my first good sleep in 2 days so I ignore it and try to go back to sleep, when all of a sudden I feel something going inside me. I sat up real quick and turned around and my friend's roommate pushed me down and stuck it back in. I was punching him and trying to yell so that my friend would hear me and come help me, but he was passed out drunk and didn't sleep the night before either. I finally kicked him hard enough to get him off me and I grabbed my purse and ran out the door and jumped in my car. That was a year ago, no one believed me until recently when he did it to someone else. All my friends said "oh, he would never do that, are you sure you hadn't been drinking?" the only person that believed me from the beginning was my boyfriend. Me and my boyfriend have always been honest with each other about everything, we trust each other, and I've never seen two people more in love with us. Tonight I told him I was going to my friend Chris' house, he gave me a kiss, told me to have fun and went to sleep. I got over to Chris', he was pretty drunk and we sat down on opposite sides of the couch and put on Pulp Fiction, I noticed he kept scooting closer to me but I didn't think anything of it and then he leaned over and started kissing my neck so I pushed him away and reminded him that I have a boyfriend. Then he started trying to kiss me on the lips so I kept dodging it and finally started getting mad, and told him again that I have a boyfriend. Then he reached down and started to take my shorts off and I slapped his hand and started to get up to leave and he grabbed me and pushed me back down and then pulled my legs over and sat on them and held up both of my arms with one hand and started to take my shorts off with the other. I yelled at him, told him to stop but he didn't and what's bad is when he stuck it in it felt really good. I didn't want him to stop but I kept thinking of Joe and kept yelling at Chris to get off me and finally when I started crying he stopped. I left real quick and now I'm typing this in bed next to my beautiful boyfriend who would never do anything to hurt me, and I'm scared this is gonna hurt him. If it was up to me, it wouldn't have happened but I don't know if he'll believe me since it already happened only a year ago. I don't want him to think I cheated, and I definitely don't want to hurt him. Help me!

[SamanthaG17]

I would say you got raped...you can't hate yourself because it felt good...that's out of your control. You did the right thing by making him get off and leaving right away. I would say to tell your boyfriend right away so he doesn't accidentally find out and think you were trying to hide it from him. I hope you're ok, and I hope he understands. Goodluck.

[soconfusedntor]

Wow, I am sorry to hear you have to go through this, it's definitely a tough situation to be in with your boyfriend and all. I am no legal expert but I can only tell you this from a guy's perspective. Did you get raped? In my opinion, yes. Should you be thinking about feeling sorry for your boyfriend right now? Probably not, there are other things you should think about first. Did you already take a shower tonight? If not, would you consider going to the police and have them take down Chris's DNA samples? Do you have the courage to go through with this, to report this as rape? That's probably the most important question of all! At least you should get tested right away for any STD to protect yourself and your boyfriend. While it may feel good when he forced him self in you and you didn't want him to stop and all but it doesn't mean that it's right for him to do this to you. As a guy I know that when I am alone with a attractive female in my living room it can be hard to control what my penis want but to force it when a girl clearly tells you no is very bold. There are times when I had consensual sex with a girl but afterward I was a little worried if perhaps I was pushing the sex thing too hard, but never have I go on while hearing the female yelling stop or I have a boyfriend. This may well have turned him on more because the fact that you have a boyfriend and he thinks you are really out looking to get some action behind your boyfriend's back, but I would never have non-consensual or unwilling sex with anyone because I don't want to have the "sex offender" label for the rest of my life. Definitely time to think about who you choose to hang out with, especially your guy friends, also since this is the second time this happened. I don't want to sound insensitive in your weak moments but why would you hang out with a guy alone in his living room while he is intoxicated?

[BrianH46]

I'm so sorry this happened you, you were definitely raped. I can see that it is bothering you that it felt good but think of it this way: it was just a physiological response and is not a gauge of your fidelity for your bf. Having said that why in God's name did you go over to a drunk guy's house all alone to watch a movie? You are putting yourself in dangerous situations and although both times were not your fault whatsoever I feel you need to be making safer choices.

[MyNinja]

First off, I'm so sorry this happened to you.

 

I have to agree with Brian. Please be careful next time and try to make better choices for your safety when going out. You boyfriend sounds like he might be very understanding to your hurt and you should express this to him. Good luck to you and I hope this gets better.

[lukeb]

You definitely need to make safer choices around alcohol and intoxicated friends and all that, if it all happened as you said then you probably got raped, but we are getting pretty close to the outer edges of what constitutes rape and what doesn't and legally it may be a tough haul to prove your case. Also it doesn't look like you are out for justice but more worried that your boyfriend would understand that the sex wasn't really what you wanted although it felt good. The thing that strikes me is that the theme of this thread is that you are worried that your boyfriend is going to think that you cheated on him, but not that you are traumatized by the fact that you were violated and raped by a friend of yours. If it happened as you said then this Chris is a rapist.

[littlefoot625]

I don't think I could report it as rape, not that I'm protecting him but it's embarrassing and so many people didn't believe me last time, I don't even want to think about going through that again. I think it's worth it to just act like nothing ever happened. I'm going to go to Planned Parenthood and get tested as soon as possible. And to BrianH46 as well, I know going over there in the first place was stupid on my part. I used to make a lot more stupid mistakes like that, which is what got me raped the first time. After that I've been a lot more careful, I've only gone alone to people's houses if they were someone that I really trusted, if not I brought a friend or Joe along with me. I thought I trusted Chris like that, I've been around him alone drunk before and he didn't act like that at all. But then again when that happened I was single, so he probably was turned on by the fact that I had a boyfriend. It was stupid of me to go over there nonetheless. That's not insensitive at all, it is my fault. I should have made someone go with me or not go at all. Not my brightest moment...

[littlefoot625]

You definitely need to make safer choices around alcohol and intoxicated friends and all that, if it all happened as you said then you probably got raped, but we are getting pretty close to the outer edges of what constitutes rape and what doesn't and legally it may be a tough haul to prove your case. Also it doesn't look like you are out for justice but more worried that your boyfriend would understand that the sex wasn't really what you wanted although it felt good. The thing that strikes me is that the theme of this thread is that you are worried that your boyfriend is going to think that you cheated on him, but not that you are traumatized by the fact that you were violated and raped by a friend of yours. If it happened as you said then this Chris is a rapist.

I think what makes me feel like that the most is that it did feel good. I feel like the first time was so much worse, in terms of how bad I got hurt, this was nothing compared to that and he did stop eventually. I knew right away I wouldn't take legal action this time, it's horrid to go through. I'm not telling anyone about this at all, except for probably Joe.

[sentencedtoagony]

It is not uncommon for women to experience pleasurable sensations during rape. It feels good on a biological level, but it is severe psychological trauma and a violation of your rights/body/etc. I think you are rationalizing it and accepting yourself as being a victim. Stand up for yourself.

 

You know better than anyone what happened, but it sounds like you put up a fight and said no.

[soconfusedntor]

That's why I asked you if you have the courage to report this. From you what you are saying about your fear of embarrassment and all, I think this will be tough for you to decide. But try to think of this situation from a couple of different angles:

 

If I have a daughter and she was raped, I would DEFINITELY want her to tell me and report it, I can't care less about embarrassment but I need this guy to learn a lesson so he is not out there doing it to other people's daughters. This goes the same if I have a sister.

 

If you are my girlfriend I would want to know about it sooner than later and help you deal with it because sooner or later I WILL know about it and I will think you are either really stupid for not telling me immediately or I would think there is probably infidelity somehow somewhere in all this.

 

Again, I am sorry this happened but I think you still need to hear the above because you are not the only victim of a crime, others who love you are also involved in this whether you like it or not, so try to think about them as well. If your boyfriend cannot be understanding in this situation and decided to leave you, then you know he cannot stuck through thick and thin with you, let him go. If he does, you know you got a gem, even if this is a horrible circumstance to find out.

[soconfusedntor]

I also want to say you are doing the right thing by seeking out opinions in this matter regardless if this is just the cyberspace. Things that are hard to speak to people you are familiar with are sometimes just making your situation more difficult, so just let it out and keep asking for help!

[abitbroken]

First off, I'm so sorry this happened to you.

 

I have to agree with Brian. Please be careful next time and try to make better choices for your safety when going out. You boyfriend sounds like he might be very understanding to your hurt and you should express this to him. Good luck to you and I hope this gets better.

 

I agree. Please don't put yourself in situations where you are passed out drunk, sleeping in various places. That is not a safe thing to do - regardless of gender. And way worse things could have happened in that state - like death. Also, if a friend is really drunk, don't accept the invite of sitting on the sofa watching a movie. That is when you leave, or call another friend, etc. It is just too dodgy. You were raped, but you need to start being very aware of your surroundings and do the best you can on making smart choices to prevent it from happening a third time.

[Avila]

So sorry this happened to you sweetie xo

 

It's okay that it felt good to you, it's still rape. What you had was a physiological reaction but you did not give consent and he did it anyway. Stop beating yourself up! This is just one of those traumatic, confusing situations.

 

You obviously love your bf and so tell him because he does deserve to know. Also, even though you have been putting yourself into sticky situations, it's still not your fault. These men raped you. You did not ask to be raped. But in future do not go to any man's house where you will be alone, no matter how much of a friend you think they are. Many women are raped by people they thought they could trust. You can never be too careful with yourself.

 

In the meantime don't have unprotected sex with your bf so that you are protecting his sexual health. I think it would also be a good idea for you to get counselling. I wish you well xo

[littlefoot625]

Thank you so much everyone, I'm going to tell him first thing in the morning! The advice helped a lot, thanks again.

[SilverManic]

I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm not sayng you can't trust men because that isn't true, but given the fact that you have a lot of issues with males doing this type of thing I'd be inclined to say you don't go over to any males house alone, even if he is sober. Most of my friends are female, so it's easier for me. But the only males house I would spend a night at is my gay friend because I know he isn't going to try anything, I'm married I can't take those type of risks. I mean I don't spend the night out anymore anyway as I have a kid, but you can only be so safe with your personal saftey.

[Eaudesource]

What kind of friends do you have!?

You got raped twice. When this happened the first time it should have been your cue not to go over to other guys' houses at night with out your boyfriend. You need to tell your boyfriend what happened and make sure you don't put yourself in situations like this again.