kate1117 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Hi guys, I feel embarrassed being this upset. But, it is quite painful. Me and my ex boyfriend met 7 months ago on a dating site. Everything was good. He texted me every day, we saw each other when ever we could. Like three times a week. Here's the problem. He broke up with me yesterday in person at a Starbucks. He said there was no spark. He felt like we would fizzle out eventually. Oh, btw I'm 22 and he's 26. We've both had long term relationships. He said he wasn't in love with me the way I was in love with me. I asked him after how could you say I love you if there was no spark. He said he deeply cared for me, but we'd be better as friends. He said we are two awesome people and it just didn't click. I felt like it clicked. Here's what I think the real issue was. When we had sex he couldn't get me to orgasm. This upset him a lot to the point that he didn't want himself to finish. I told him it wasn't him, I've just had issues before hand, he said he never had issues with his exes finishing. So I don't believe there was no spark, I think his ego went to **** because of me not finishing... I tried telling him at the cafe to give us a few months and he said no, if it's not there it's not there... I wonder what the real issue was... We never really fought. Is there a way to win him back or is it truly over? I have my skis at his place that I need to pick up either asap or in a few months. Help me understand and win him back!
gilmond Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 It doesn't sound like there is any way to win him back. It also sounds like sex definitely did it in for him. He might have just seen the future of you guys and quite possibly a sexless relationship and he didn't want that. It's better to just pack your things and leave because he is pretty much done. Let dust settle down and take a break from eachother and he might come back if you guys had a good relationship but don't wait on him find yourself a good man. Also finding out why you can't climax will also help. Don't fake orgasims either because if the guy finds out it will just hurt him. Also try to figure out how to give yourself an orgasim this is the best way so your partner can help you achieve one. Sorry for your bad luck but take the insight from the relationship into the next one and stay positive.
SpiritofFire Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Hey! Sorry to hear that. My opinion on "We never really fought. Is there a way to win him back or is it truly over?" I think part of him is gone, one foot out of the door. It will take a lot of work to get him back, and it's very difficult to change guys mind once he made up his. Once I made a decision, I will stick to it. Buuut perhaps down the road he will change his mind, by then do you really do be with him. Hard to understand this right now, but in my opinion "honey moon" stage is over for him. Take it or leave it but that is my opinion and that's not unusual. This sht happens all the time. I certainly do not like the fact that he broke up with you in Starbucks, *** moment there. I think right now you should concentrate on yourself, and leave this guy be. Easily said then done I know, but there are plenty of guides and help available for you to read up on and prepare for something like this. Good luck.
Ms Darcy Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I think the guys on here having given you solid advice to accept that it's over. I would believe him that the spark isn't there ... perhaps caused by the sex but also by other things. I am sorry for your situation.
Trinity11 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 My ex said the same thing to me back in May. Take a look at the relationship objectively. Do you really want to be with him- REALLY. If he is not done with you yet, I suggest taking some time to yourself to work on yourself, go out with the girls and remember you are desired by others, learn to listen, dont be scared to ask questions if you don't think you quite understand, lean some new tricks in the bedroom by watching porn or reading (honestly it will make you feel more confident and you will be able to take more control), go back to texting like you would if you just started dating, play a little hard to get. Let him know its not the end of the world if you break up by your actions. Busy youself in your own life and your confidence and happiness will spill into the relationship. You really need to work on yourself, but for yourself, NOT to please him. Let me just tell you if you ask him if you try to hard to please him, he will probably say yes. This is a turn off (speaking from experience-he said spark when we broke up but when I saw him again this was mentioned) It will take a little time to get into the new mindset, and a little more time to SHOW THROUGH ACTIONS not words that you really have a new (sassy) attitude. I did not catch my ex before he broke up with me. We just started dating a few weeks ago after 5 weeks of NC (i initiated NC and didnt tell him. He initiated contact/date with me.) and it really does feel like a new relationship. I have confidence I did not have before and speak up when I did not in the past. I do not know what will happen, I am just going with the flow. I know that if it does not work out with him, I am a great catch for someone else Good luck!
kate1117 Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Hey, thanks for your opinion. I just don't get how he could say there was no spark after 7 months? Part of me thinks sex was a problem and the other is he's probably depressed. He moved back home and lost his job 2 weeks before he broke up with me. Is he using the lack of spark as an excuse? and when should I pick up my stuff from his place? Should I say anything when I see him? When he broke up with me he wouldn't listen to me asking him to stay....
SpiritofFire Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Hey, thanks for your opinion. I just don't get how he could say there was no spark after 7 months? Part of me thinks sex was a problem and the other is he's probably depressed. He moved back home and lost his job 2 weeks before he broke up with me. Is he using the lack of spark as an excuse? and when should I pick up my stuff from his place? Should I say anything when I see him? When he broke up with me he wouldn't listen to me asking him to stay.... * I think he meant to say the spark died after 7 months being with you, hence "honey moon" stage. It could have been easily you who could have said that in that time frame. He probably happen to focus on something/someone else and relationship is not his priority anymore, hence loosing his job and finding/building himself back. It could be an excuse, everyone is different, but I am sure loosing his job fueled it somehow, perhaps ego thing, perhaps depression. You pick your stuff when you feel like it. Should you say anything to him? Say what your hearts tells you to say, but be cool about it. Sometimes it's worth putting yourself in his shoes, but often times you should be brave about it and worry about your well being. I wouldn't beg/ask him to stay, you giving your power to him, why would you do that. As someone mentioned you'll always be desirable by someone else. If he had chosen not to be with you, well hell you deserve someone who does. But in a mean time pick yourself up, and be yourself, strong woman as you are. 8 )
kate1117 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 What I realized today is I'm going to be okay. I need this time to focus on me. Finishing school, getting a better job, losing that 15 lbs, and working on me loving me! But, I will admit I thought about everything. I read his 6 month anniversary letter to me with hearts all over it. I realized he dumped me because he needs to pick himself back up without me. I don't know if we're meant to be. But, in 6 months I'll text him about the skis in December. I'll be in a better place in my life. A college graduate, hopefully a better job, and better body, and mindset of course. I'll see how he is and see what happens from there. I have concluded his spark excuse was mostly bs and that maybe we won't end up together, but at least I will better myself now.
SpiritofFire Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 That's the spirit. Go you! You are on the right track. Some of us have been with our so for many months, even years and at times we get the same treatment of no "spark". That's just the reality. Accept it and move on.
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