kychick Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I'll keep this as short as possible.... My BF of 8 months talks about his ex like a dog....actually calls her "It" (which is objectifying, I know). She supposedly cheated on him but she says differently. I've caught him in a couple white lies but I'm not sure if that's a symptom of major lying. He is evasive about some aspects of his personal life but I don't want to pry. He sometimes ignores calls when I'm with him, which I don't like but don't want to be nosey. He's only been to my place a couple times, I always drive an hour to see him. I do know he's passive aggressive - he says he'll do something but either doesn't or waits a LONG time. But generally he's polite, treats me well, is affectionate, he's respectful to my family/friends, he seems to be a good father, etc. He's never said anything mean to me but he jokes about our sex life with his buddies - in front of me. When I tell him it makes me uncomfortable he says "Aw they know I like you, don't be so sensitive." Our sex life is one-sided, as in, I do all the work. I don't necessarily mind but it's a red flag of sorts. If I mention it to him he'll "give in" for a while. When he's mad at me he cuts off the sex and/or won't answer my calls for a while. When we argue about that he says he's just a jerk and he knows it....pity party? When I tell him I hate getting cut off, that I'm not a toddler who needs a punishment he tells me I'm being too needy or too controlling. He has explosive anger outbursts - never directed at me but I worry that may change. Sometimes he acts depressed and other times he's arrogantly happy and bragging about himself. This guy just confuses me to pieces. I feel like he doesn't always show me his emotional side but that could be a "guy thing." As you might notice I'm fairly inexperienced in the dating arena so I'm trying to not be "too much" but don't want to get hurt either. Do any of these things ring a bell with anyone? What can I do? I'm not entirely happy but I'm not sure if it's a problem with me, him or both! My friends are telling me this could potentially be a bad situation.....thanks in advance! Also: I can provide more details/examples if needed...didn't want to ramble.
PetiteGirl Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 He doesn't sound like a healthy individual. When you tried to talk to him, instead of listening to you and considering your feelings, he just brushed it off and labelled you as too "sensitive", too "needy", or too "controlling." This could be potentially be emotionally abusive. Something to think about.
RedDress Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 There is no such thing as the perfect bf... there will ALWAYS be stuff you don't like. In addition, everyone has different boundaries and will see things differently. I think you should have the confidence to know that you will know what is right and wrong for you when it's time. Don't be afraid of making mistakes... that's how we learn. That being said, I can give my own breakdown of what I think would be an issue for ME and what wouldn't... My BF of 8 months talks about his ex like a dog....actually calls her "It" (which is objectifying, I know). She supposedly cheated on him but she says differently. He said/she said. You'll never know. But... is it really necesary to call her "it"? Even if she's the devil, he could respect her... this is troubling to me. I've caught him in a couple white lies but I'm not sure if that's a symptom of major lying. He is evasive about some aspects of his personal life but I don't want to pry. Lies and evasiveness go hand in hand. They are usually a bad thing, in my opinion. Designed for you to see the story he WANTS you to see - not necessarily the truth. This would give me pause. He sometimes ignores calls when I'm with him, which I don't like but don't want to be nosey. He's only been to my place a couple times, I always drive an hour to see him. I do know he's passive aggressive - he says he'll do something but either doesn't or waits a LONG time. Kinda normal. Don't most people ignore calls at times? Or are lazy? Or passive-aggressive? Not attractive traits, but I don't think I'd call them red flags. He's never said anything mean to me but he jokes about our sex life with his buddies - in front of me. When I tell him it makes me uncomfortable he says "Aw they know I like you, don't be so sensitive." Hmmm... there's that lack of respect thing again. It's not nice of him to dismiss your feelings... if you feel strongly about this, you should stand up to him about it. Our sex life is one-sided, as in, I do all the work. I don't necessarily mind but it's a red flag of sorts. If I mention it to him he'll "give in" for a while. When he's mad at me he cuts off the sex and/or won't answer my calls for a while. Don't expect this to change. Some people enjoy sex for sex. Some people use it as a tool. This goes for men AND women. When we argue about that he says he's just a jerk and he knows it....pity party? So - you are supposed to accept that he's a jerk? When I tell him I hate getting cut off, that I'm not a toddler who needs a punishment he tells me I'm being too needy or too controlling. He has explosive anger outbursts - never directed at me but I worry that may change. Nice of him to consider your feelings again. He's awfully dismissive, no? There's no "right" or "wrong"... and contrary to popular belief, it doesn't matter if it's "you" or "him". It's about compatibility. About being the right fit. If two puzzle pieces don't fit together, you don't blame one of the pieces. They are just wrong for each other... you don't have to assign blame. If you are unhappy, you are unhappy. That being said, it doesn't really sound like he's taking any of what you say to him about your feelings seriously... Are you making yourself clear enough? Or is it that he just doesn't care what you feel?
kychick Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Maybe I could work on making myself clearer with him. Sometimes I'm adament and "put my foot down" other times I hesitate, especially if his reaction is not positive. I didn't notice the general dismissiveness of my feelings until you pointed it out. That's interesting and I'm glad you noticed. So that's what I will talk to him about. That seems to be the overall theme that I don't feel good about. He does have a lot of positive traits but my gut is telling me something. I appreciate your feedback and would love to hear more responses
Capricorn3 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 but my gut is telling me something. ^ THIS. When your gut tells you something, it is always wise to listen. After reading your thread, I would say you are right to listen to your instinct.
Avila Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Am so with Capricorn on this. Listen to the gut feeling. And ot be honest he sounds like a jerk. Life's too short to be dating someone who makes you this suspicious 8 monthes down the road.
kychick Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Thank you And...the discussion went like this: He rolled his eyes at first so I got up to leave (not whining, nagging or arguing...very calmly). And he told me to wait. We talked for a while but he seemed humored by it, like he was playing along. I've voiced my grievances and will give him an opportunity to change but if not, I'm listening to my gut and the great advice here and bailing. I'm in my 20's....there are plenty of fish in the sea. Thank you for all your input!
turnera Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Get this book and read it. Then let us know what you think: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft.
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