Is this emotional abuse?

[moodyshoe92]

am sorry, in advance, this is so long I just feel broken and I need a fresh perspective to tell me I am not crazy.

 

My Mum is a mental health nurse, she says she hates her job, but she lets it control her life.

 

She often dubs people "pd's" or "personality disorders" her new favourite is "emotionally unstable PD" Which she likes to call me, my friends and boyfriend when she is feeling spiteful.

 

Since I was a child, even before she became qualified she told me I was "strange" and that I do things "the hardest way" she took me to the doctors many times to get me "checked" when I was a kid, although I have no recollection of it. As a teenager I suffered considerably as she emotionally abused me all the time, threatened, lied and manipulated me. Her mood swings and temper tantrums can be unpredictable, I often felt that she would only be satisfied when I was broken and became a victim (and so under her control)

 

The worst thing she did, when she wasn't abusing me she would teach me about mental health and she would ask me questionnaires and "diagnose me" with things and put thoughts in my head. She told me I would probably grow up to have borderline personality disorder and I would probably never have a happy loving relationship, she has said I am aspergers, dissociative and that I have been psychotic. (I never had any hallucinations or what I would call delusions, although I am no expert). During arguments and put downs she would often use these things, if I tried to tell her she was being unfair she would say things like "that's from YOUR perspective, you don't know what is really happening" leading me to think I was insane most of the time.

 

I just want to know I am not crazy....Is it me? Or is it her? She is beginning to break me down again and I have no escape.

 

Just to give you an idea of the type of things she does, she once suggested I might have been sexually abused and that's why as a child I was so strange and that I repressed the memory.

 

My Dad died when I was 12, which was really hard on me, she suggested it could have been my Dad or one of his friends!? When I brought it up again, she told me she didn't say that. In my eyes what she has done is abuse, she is completely inappropriate.

 

The only people who I trusted were my grandparents but she has told me they don't like me....

 

She can be so lovely but then this side of her comes out, I just don't understand, she is such a confidence sucker.

[agent1607307371]

How old are you? Because you need to get away from her right now.

[Cheetarah]

I think your mother is projecting big time onto the people around her. My guess is SHE feels "emotionally unstable, strange, borderline", so on and so forth.

 

Even if she is a mental health nurse, most people don't go to their own family for that kind of help. It's too close, too biased to make that kind of assessment.

 

I really think your mother has her own set of issues, and working so closely to psychiatric patients, you start to see things EVERYWHERE(it's kind of like med school students - They get the complex that they have every disease in the book). In my opinion though, it's less about the latter and more about the former - Her own problems.

[DN]

Let me give an unscientific diagnosis of your mother in non-psychiatric terms - she's nuts. Not only that she's malignant and abusive and the sooner you cut her out of your life the better.

[Blue92]

I think she needs to go see a doctor... This is not right for your own mother to treat you like this and I doubt you have that much wrong with you as she says. No matter how qualified your mother is, she should not be the one to diagnose you with anything. That is something you need to see your own private therapist for; it is not right for a parent to do it because, like you said, they can use it to manipulate and control your actions and how you live your life. I suggest the both of you go to a therapy session together, so someone can examine this relationship from an "outside" perspective.

[moodyshoe92]

I'm 20...I hate the fact I am still at home.

 

I started working straight after school as I was told every route I wanted to take educationally would be of no use and I had no self esteem. Plus I wanted to move out desperately, my parents make me pay £130 a month board and even then I have to help with house hold chores, I was saving up to move out but as I was doing an apprenticeship for three years I wasn't being paid enough to live on and couldn't go on benefits of any kind. At the end of all this, after getting my qualifications for office work, I realised that I can do better than this (something which I hate) Now I am on a course so I can go to Uni next year and working part time, but for the time being I am stuck at home, I barely scrape together enough to pay my phone bill, bus pass and board every month now. But I am working hard to find a better paying part time job.

 

Sorry....just felt the need to explain that I am not still there out of choice, I have made bad decisions, but I am going through a hard time at home now to better my chances of a successful future.

[lukeb]

It sounds like you probably are a young adult, and you have to be careful not to use your mother's emotional abuse as an excuse not to get your life in order. When you write "she is beginning to break me down again and I have no escape isn't true of course", you do have an escape. There are things in life you have control over and there are things you don't have control over, what a lot of people do is to blame things they don't have control over because it is easy. It is more difficult to look at things you do have control over. You don't have control over your mother, so it is lime to let that go. Good luck.

[ButterflyWrists]

From a student psychological perspective - you could have attachment issues because of HER behaviour! However that isnt the point of the thread.

Your mum has no right to give out random diagnosis for disorders and she could lose her lisence (and should!). Another thing - it sounds like she has a personality disorder. Dispite the abuse your mum has given you, you sound very level headed and emotionally aware of your surroundings.

[bulletproof]

How old are you? Do you still need to live with her?

 

Suggesting that you'd been molested (and by your father, no less) is a pretty sick thing to say. The way people are responding here is correct- none of this is "normal" parental behavior.

[ButterflyWrists]

Do you have any other family you can move in with temporarily? Its great that you've realised that you can do better than what you was doing and are working towards a goal. I wish you could move out, living with someone like that is hell! Your bad decisions are not your fault, and you are working on getting yourself into a healthy place which is brilliant.

[bulletproof]

Just saw the answer that you're twenty and don't have money to move out.

 

You do have choices. Sometimes those choices are very hard. But my recommendation to you is to do whatever you can to move out. Get five roommates, work two jobs, do whatever it takes. Forget about any luxuries- use the cheapest phone, cheapest transportation, etc. Go to school slowly, you've got plenty of time. Don't take a full class load if it means you have to live there any longer, or be financially dependent on them.

 

You think you can't get away because that's what you've been conditioned to think. Get out.

[moodyshoe92]

Do you have any other family you can move in with temporarily? Its great that you've realised that you can do better than what you was doing and are working towards a goal. I wish you could move out, living with someone like that is hell! Your bad decisions are not your fault, and you are working on getting yourself into a healthy place which is brilliant.

 

No....my Mum stopped me seeing my Dads side of the family, I don't blame her they are more dysfunctional than she is by a long shot. My Grandparents are not in the best health and my stepdads family is out of the question. I don't really have anyone to turn to except for my boyfriend and one or two close friends. I am concentrating on finding a job that pays better so I can move in to some shared accommodation for young professionals/students.

[moodyshoe92]

You're right...I had a job doing sales at one point, the pay was okay but I had to work long hours and it wasn't permanent. So moving out would have been irresponsible (as I wouldn't know if I could get another job straight away after my contract ended). If I can get a permanent, part time wage then I have a chance. Thank you so much for the messages I have received, you've gave me hope at a time where I had lost all motivation.

[moodyshoe92]

From a student psychological perspective - you could have attachment issues because of HER behaviour! However that isnt the point of the thread.

Your mum has no right to give out random diagnosis for disorders and she could lose her lisence (and should!). Another thing - it sounds like she has a personality disorder. Dispite the abuse your mum has given you, you sound very level headed and emotionally aware of your surroundings.

 

I think you're right, I can identify I have attachment issue's, my parents separated when I was a few months old due to his drug problems and (she says) his abuse towards her. My Mum has told me she was very depressed at this time up until I was a few years old. At this time my father was in and out of my life, until I was around 4 or 5, when he became a more stable figure in my life. I don't know if she has a personality disorder, it is not my place to say. But from my own experiences I can say she has a very distorted view of reality and a huge inner need for control. I imagine her head must be very chaotic. Thank you I think the fact she has told me all this things has made me more aware of my problems and want to live a life different from hers. If anything she may have done me a favour in the long run.