That awful feeling you get when someone proclaims "No, you are not good enough."

[rbsx]

I briefly posted this once here before, but the situation has continued to evolve... and it's a gut wrenching feeling. For the last 3 months I've been seeing someone, things were going pretty well, we hadn't had the exclusive chat yet but she said if I was seeing another girl she'd kick her ass, she was buying me concert tickets, I was invited to family dinners, she was crashing at my place 4-5 nights a week... then bam.

 

I've been trying to piece together what went wrong, and I finally figured it out. About a month to a month and a half ago one of her friends met a guy that works as a dj/promoter for one of the local club promotion companies around town, her friend ended up banging the guy. Despite the fact that they start going out a little bit more (because her friend is hooking up with the guy) things are pretty normal, even great. She bought me expensive tickets to a concert about 3 and a half weeks ago.

 

Anyway, about 2 weeks ago she starts getting a little bit distant, as I alluded to in my previous thread, when she was out I offered to come by the club that she was at and she did everything she could to discourage me from coming in, a few days later she bailed on our Canada Day plans, and on her days off I hardly heard from me, my alarm bells started to ping off the hook. I'm not an idiot, I notice and I ask her what's up. I have my suspicions about what's going on. Being a few years older than her, this isn't my first rodeo. She says that she's been hanging out with her friend (the girl who's banging the club promoter) who says she feels she's being torn between the two of us. She starts sleeping over a little bit less, bails on plans here and there, and I can start to see where this is going.

 

Ultimately, this culminated in a watershed moment where we were at the afterparty of that concert she bought us tickets for, hosted by the company of the guy her friend was banging. I spent most of the night waiting around for them, while they were off "talking to their friends" - at this point it had become clear to me that I was effectively playing second fiddle and that partying and being connected to these guys and going out was more important than the three months we'd spent together. She made a judgement call about what's more important and I lost. At the end of the night I could tell something was up, I ended up going home with my buddies, but I could tell things were done. While it hadn't been said out loud, actions always speak louder than words. No excuses that she could provide could mask over the fact that, to be simple and honest, these guys > me. The last thing I see is walking away from the party while she and her friend are talking to two guys.

 

In the days that followed she told me that she still liked me, but it also became clear to me, as her partying continued and the amount of names from the company that the guy works with started to increase on her Facebook - that she had made her choice. I've heard every excuse in the book "It's not you, it's me", "I'm young and carefree", "I don't want drama or stress", yadda yadda yadda, all pretty much glazing over the fact that when push came to shove, she shoved me out the window. To be honest, I don't think I'll ever look at her the same way again.

 

She's got in contact with some mutual friends who said that she's ready to talk whenever I feel comfortable, but tbh, I don't feel I have anything to talk to her about, and unless she comes to me with an apology for the way she has handled things, but she won't. When I last talked to her, which was over a week ago, I asked her to resolve the two lingering things that were tying us together....

 

1) The bag she left at my house with her clothes in it

2) To pay my friend back the money she owes him

 

She's extended me the courtesy of neither. While she's out partying her face off I'm left holding the bag (literally) knowing that I didn't really do anything wrong, and that she just threw me under the bus without compunction. It's an awful feeling to have. I haven't spoken to her in almost a week, but part of me wants to pick up the phone, and yell at her, though I know it would accomplish nothing except making me look for a grovelling basketcase who is hung up. While it's true that I am, yeah it just wouldn't do anything.

 

She was supposed to meet with my friend to pay him on Friday, but instead she went to the club this DJ works at.

 

 

If I had to make a guess she hasn't resolved these issues, it's because it means she would have to come face to face with me - and see the guy she cared for and confront the issue and see it face to face. She'd be forced to put her partying up next to me and evaluate it, she'd be forced to confront the issues, which is something she wants to avoid.

 

While many people here have suggested that there may in fact be another guy, which might be true, I'm willing to bet that it is probably that she didn't want me around to compromise her standing with those promoters.

 

If there is any blame that I accept for all of this, it was about not having the "exclusive" chat - but in hindsight, maybe this was a great litmus test, and I mean look, if she could do this now, dating someone exclusively wouldn't change anything. IF I brought up her partying and hanging out with these dudes, I would come off as smothering and she'd probably end it, if I said nothing, I'd be a pushover.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Either way, this really sucks.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Ms Darcy]

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling.

 

I tell you the same I tell anyone (mostly women but it applies to everyone). It is very important to have the relationship (not exclusive) conversation before starting to put your hopes in a person. It doesn't matter how much sex, time, kind words, or affection is exchange. A commitment is key to get on the same page and start to move forward together. Read Mexicanjammer's recent threads and you'll see a somewhat similar situation where she is you. Many agreed that a commitment is important.

 

That doesn't mean it is your fault. It just means I wouldn't say she threw you away. You weren't really together in the first place.

[rbsx]

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling.

 

I tell you the same I tell anyone (mostly women but it applies to everyone). It is very important to have the relationship (not exclusive) conversation before starting to put your hopes in a person. It doesn't matter how much sex, time, kind words, or affection is exchange. A commitment is key to get on the same page and start to move forward together. Read Mexicanjammer's recent threads and you'll see a somewhat similar situation where she is you. Many agreed that a commitment is important.

 

That doesn't mean it is your fault. It just means I wouldn't say she threw you away. You weren't really together in the first place.

 

You may in fact be right, but she's also the same person who said that if I was seeing someone else, she'd kick their ass.

 

But you're right, I should have talked to her... regardless, she's made her choice and left me holding the bag. The only question left is how to deal with the bags and stuff... and I don't even want to think about it.

 

I'm trying to look at this as an opportunity to reshape my own life.