Lilly26 Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 My boyfriend of 2.5 years whom we have a business going on together, live together that Ive been 100% loyal to all of a sudden on his trip back home called me and said he has few personal questions that he expects answers too. After asking me his question of how many sexual partners i have had and i said he is number seven, he proceeded to asking me if i have ever had a one night stand? I told him 10 years ago, i was going out with a bunch of friends who were visiting from another city and there was one guy i was flirting with for a few days. One of those nights after having a few drinks the guy offered to drive my car back home and ended up staying over and we had sex. Ever since i have told him this truth he said he cannot look at me the same way ever again and that i have no morals and dignity. No matter how much i told i have only had that 1 experience 10 years ago, he still continues to tell me i have ruined everything. he himself has had a very crazy past sex life which i never interfered with but says it is not the same for women and that i am not the kind of girl he will be able to introduce to his family. Now he is coming back to our city in 10 days and last time he briefly told me there is nothing he knows know and will only know when he sees me. I am in a very confused state and dont know what all this means. He is coming back 4 days before my 30th birthday. Is it that he is really hurt by this or is he making excuses based on all the stresses that were involved with our work together before he left? All i know is that i have given him all there is to me in terms of love, loyalty, honesty and there is nothing i wouldn't do for him in my power. This one last stunt, i really dont know what i can do to have him back. Has anyone ever heard of such a situation? do you have any advise for me?
jaciej Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 It sounds like he is looking for a reason to opt out of the relationship and he used it. If it was so much of an issue why didnt he ask you at the beginning of the relationship. Do not allow youself to be manipulated...he is playing games. Call his bluff, and turn the tables, let him know that you are highly offended by what he said about you and you dont see him in the same light and need time to rethink the relationship, if possible give yourself some distance. I dont know what he expects you to do about something that happened way before you met and 10 years ago. If he truly loved you this wouldnt be an issue. Play hard-ball.
luminousone Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Wow - if he is truly that unforgiving and holds a double standard for women then I can only imagine how controlling he would be if you continue in this relationship. I agree that you need to call him out on this behavior.
offplanet Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I agree with Jaciej, it sounds like an excuse he's using because for some other reason he wants to get out of the relationship. Don't try to stop him. Save your dignity by not begging him to stay. He's going anyway, so don't let him think you care. Turn the tables by telling him you agree that it's best to part, that you're not suited to each other if he thinks of you that way. You have nothing to be ashamed of so definitely don't be apologetic about your 'past', especially as his is worse. He sounds immature and silly. You have to stay strong through the beakup, as naturally you two will be forced to be together for the business for some time at least, I guess. It won't be easy, but I just hope you don't give him the satisfaction of you trying to keep him, because he's not worth it. You've been 100% loyal to him, and he doesn't respect you enough to be open and honest about his reasons for breaking up, but is putting the blame on you.
TalkThatTalk9 Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 it should not matter what happened 10 years ago.... I understand someone being bothered, but we all have lives before we met our partners, and they can not control what happened before we met them. I had to learn some things about my ex's past sex life that I was not comfortable with, but when I learned it I realized there was nothing I could do. i could not be mad, because it was his past. as long as he wasn't that way when I was presently with him, I had no right to be mad or say anything. your ex is acting irrationally and It sounds like he wants a way out. what prompted him to ask you these questions? on his trip, do you think he met someone to bring about this information to him? it sounds so fishy.
lavenderdove Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 >>'he himself has had a very crazy past sex life... says it is not the same for women and that i am not the kind of girl he will be able to introduce to his family. ' OK, run far away from this guy and don't look back. Men who have this kind of attitude are really screwed up sexually... they usually are also very screwed up when it comes to how they view women as well, being sexually attracted only to 'bad' girls, but wanting to marry a 'virginal' type girl who doesn't even like sex or have it much. They want the 'nice' girl at home doing their laundry and taking care of their kids, but usually as soon as you have kids they stop having sex with you because you have become a 'mommy' figure for them, and they run around and cheat with 'bad' women and hookers. They just have a warped view of sexuality and want a wife they control because they see you as a possession that they own more than a woman who has her own sexual needs and desires and sense of self that isn't all about taking care of him and what he wants. So get away from this guy! What he says is ridiculous because almost all normal women do enjoy sex and have had a few sexual partners including at least one one night stand... his double standard is a BIG red flag that he is not the right guy for you and has both sexual and gender issues that will make your life miserable if you did marry him. He also might come back for another round where he does use you for sex while looking for his 'virgin' bride, then once he finds her, he'll dump you again and tell you that he already told you he couldn't marry you because you 'ruined' it by being a bad girl. But he may be perfectly willing to use you in the interim for sex. btw, it is just plain silly that he would say he couldn't introduce you to his family because of the sex... since when does anybody talk to their in-laws about their prior sexual history to begin with, or their own sexual history with their son? that statement of his shows you how screwed up he is... your sexuality is none of his family's business, and he is just being a big drama queen and showing you how screwed up he is emotionally and sexually by making such statement. Just stay away from him!
luminousone Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 My boyfriend of 2.5 years whom we have a business going on together I also suggest you go to a lawyer to protect your interests in the shared business, so that he does not take all the money or try to control your interest in the business...
Angel Irulan Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 My advice to you is to dump this jerk for your birthday! Lose 180 lbs or so, all in one sitting, it's going to feel wonderful! Angel
itsallgrand Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 It sounds like a load. If he hasn't shown any inclination in these years together that he is the type of guy to get all insecure and weird about this stuff, and he all of a sudden does it now after a trip.... my bet is he met someone else. And he doesn't have the guts to break up with you, so, he is trying to goad you into breaking up with him. Time to go into business mode. Whatever the truth is behind why he is acting this way, he is not acting like the man you've known and trusted, and so you have to adjust accordingly. Don't worry. The truth always comes out. In a way it is a blessing you are getting a bit of a heads up that all is not as you think it is. You can take some action now to protect yourself.
bulletproof Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 This one last stunt, i really dont know what i can do to have him back. Has anyone ever heard of such a situation? do you have any advise for me? Why do you even want him back? That was an inappropriate question and if he couldn't handle the answer, he shouldn't have asked. It does seem odd for him to be asking this after two-and-a-half years together. Plus, he hasn't introduced you to his family all this time, and now claims he cannot because somehow it matters to them that you had a one-night stand ten years ago? That's kind of crazy.
Lilly26 Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 all of the above points are similar to all the thoughts that have been going through my mind. Then why is is that the 2 times i spoke to him after the question was asked 2 weeks ago, he is sobbing on the phone? I believe he is suffering from some sort of depression with life. He said that over night in his mind I transformed from the most amazing girl he has ever met into a *****. And that he is looking for one special girl and thought that was me BUT APPARENTLY im not! Mind you we are talking about a man almost 40 years old and is kind of religious too! And that he will never ever be able to look at me the same way and cant respect me now if i didn't respect my self 10 years ago..... Im so confused, is that even possible?
Coconut Twin Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Your past is your past. Why is he asking 2.5 years down the line about your sexual history? Well, this is what I think; He may have been hatching a plan to get out of the relationship fir a while and thought this was the best way, using your sexual past as an excuse to dump you. Horrible way to go about it. You deserve someone better who can be honest instead of cornering you like that. Bloody bugger he is.
Ms Darcy Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I think he was looking for a way out. It doesn't mean he's not sad about the break up ... but he is a jerk for trying to blame this on you.
Dixi Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Then why is is that the 2 times i spoke to him after the question was asked 2 weeks ago, he is sobbing on the phone? There could be several reasons for him sobbing but they all lead back to self pity or maybe even guilt! Don't buy the tears and sobbing, they are only to push the guilt on to you. It is hard to ignore when you care for someone but he has made it clear that you no longer live up to his expectations/standards, therefore I agree with the others that suggest you move on. Sorry, I know you are looking for a fix but I don't think there is one. Good Luck
ParisPaulette Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 After 2.5 years together now is not the time when someone's partner decides they suddenly care about another person's past. And a very distant past at that. No, he is indeed looking for a way out of the relationship and this is the best he can do, which is simply a disgusting character assassination. He's trying to make it look like he's a victim now with the tears and the wild accusations and that spells only one thing--he's hiding something and trying to divert your attention away from what that something is. My thought is either a) he's cheating on you and now is looking for an out or b) he's doing or has done something possibly illegal with your mutual business. Sorry, but his behavior coming out of the blue after 2.5 years together is just too odd and indicative that he's trying to deliberately divert your attention from something he's doing wrong and/or he wants you to leave now and not stay long enough to catch on to what he's really up to. Hire an attorney now, describe what's going on and work out with your attorney a strategy ASAP--before he gets back--on what to do to protect your own interests and any funds you have in the business. And while you're at it I'd start looking over the business itself, accounts, the books and everything else before he gets back just to make sure everything is in order. Don't take his word for it and don't take the word of someone he's hired either. As a partner in a business you have the right to check on your own business to make sure everything is all right. You need to treat this from a business viewpoint right now in the same way you would if any partner suddenly started acting weird out of the blue when you both have a financial venture together. Later once you've handled all the business and financial affairs you can handle the emotional/relationship part. I'm sorry this has happened, but with the two of you involved in a business together you have to treat this as more than just a relationship gone bad right now to protect yourself. I hope it all turns out all right, good luck.
Lilly26 Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 When it comes to our business, i am the only person with power and the only signatory, in fact i am the one who has all rights to do anything if any and of course i wouldn't do that. Most of the investment in our business is his but the power is mine so i would put that option off the table.
Lilly26 Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 His main point according to our conversation is I made him believe I was a classic amazing girl, and now that i have said this truth based on his own question, I am a fraud, and have deceived and miss lead him into thinking i was a great girl. The thing is i was who I was with him, never pretended i was a virgin of an kind!!!!
Coconut Twin Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 You're not a fraud - he never asked!! It's not something you blurt out at the beginning of the relationship. People don't volunteer to disclose that information ESPECIALLY when you're starting a fresh with someone new. He could have asked you the same question at the beginning of the relationship if it concerned him this much, so why now?
Lilly26 Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 In an email I wrote to him that he needs to tell me the real reason behind all this. Since he has brought up all these religious, morality, dignity issues once and for all; if he believes he is such a good Christian with more dignity than me he needs to come clean and leave me in peace with it all even thou it will hurt anyway.
rAFC Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 As others have said, he wasn't concerned about it for 2.5 years so the idea that all of a sudden it is very important to him screams of complete bs to me. Add to that the fact that you have been living together and having sex while unmarried tells me that religion and morality have little or nothing to do with it. Unfortunately, people will rarely if ever tell you the real reason they want out of a relationship. Experience tells me that more often than not it involves someone else. You should really be asking yourself if this is the man you thought he was and if he can pull this on you seemingly out of the blue, can you really trust him in the future. Good luck to you, no one deserves to be treated like this but after spending time reading here, it seems all too common.
Mellie Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 OK, run far away from this guy and don't look back. My thoughts entirely. This guy sounds pretty screwed up. First off, the intimacies of your past relationships aren't any of his damned business. Look, if a guy wants to know how many partners I've had, I have no problem telling him that. But if he wants me to go through every relationship in it's sworded detail? There's something up with that. Secondly, talk about double standards? He's had a "crazy past" and you've slept with a whole 7 people? He needs to get real. I think few women go out deliberately seeking one night stands (feel free to correct me, but in my case it was more that I was caught up in the moment, it was only in the morning I thought "oh crap, what have I done?"). Anyone who will hold something against you which you did 10 years before you met him (let's face it, I'm pretty sure you were an entirely different person back then - I know I was) really isn't worth wasting your tears on.
ParisPaulette Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 When it comes to our business, i am the only person with power and the only signatory, in fact i am the one who has all rights to do anything if any That's good to know, but I still would consult an attorney if I were you to make sure he can't now try something legally. Sorry, but I had a male relative lose his business to a very underhanded ex who got the drop on him and took him for ever penny he had. He wouldn't get an attorney, because he was convinced she loved him too much to ever do anything bad to him. And then she took him to the cleaners legally. Fortunately he went on to another venture and became even more successful, but still it was a low blow. However the fact still remains this guy can't claim morality and being a clean decent sort of person if his past is a) far wilder than yours and b) you've both been living together and presumably having sex. Something has happened while he's away or before and now he's trying to divert your attention from his own actions. We aren't living in puritan times any more and if he really held to those values he'd be going to church every Sunday and would have insisted on marriage before sex. You're totally right to demand he tell you what's really going on although it's doubtful he'll spit out the truth. And do not let him get away with that crap about "it's different for a guy" since this isn't the 1800s and he's not living in a country where women are considered chattel. At least not openly by a majority of the population. I know double standards and racism are still alive and well in this country, but I never waste any time in giving a swift verbal kick to anyone unlucky enough to express these views to me and I encourage you and everyone else to do the same thing. What both of you did is in the past and the only reason it's now become an issue is because he's making it one for his own ends. You've done nothing wrong.
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