How to deal with a BU that's the least of your worries?

[ZhaoZilong5]

The title means that I ended up having bigger problems than my BU. My ex broke up with me due to a mixture of distance and G.I.G.S. She still sees me as perfect for her, and I came out of the BU strong and mature in her eyes. That's not my main concern anymore as of tonight.

 

I'm losing friends left and right. A couple of people said I have some sociopathic tendencies. Social withdrawal, methodical when I should be emotional, etc. I've been the kind of person who only answers what's relevant when a question's asked. With that said, I love my ex very much. I had oneitis with her. When we broke up, it noticeably affected me to the point that others noticed, so I opened up. I figured...I have a huge network of friends, all of my friends IRL and online knew her, so why not open up, right? WRONG.

 

I have friends who feel disrespected because I asked their GFs about what I could do to win her back and the things that their BFs did wrong. I have a close friend who opened up to me about a "break" she was having, and I ended up spilling the beans on how her BF was cheating on her. This has the entire social circle upset with me said for one girl and another friend of mine. I was given an item that I should have known was stolen, but I was too busy/trusting to ask more about it, and have a friend saying he'll never see me in the same light again. Ironically, our mutual friends later talked about how I tend to zone out when I'm deep in thought.

 

So...I was emotional for a bit, then methodical in my plan to putting myself in the best light in my ex's eyes to reconcile. Some people thought I was just lying to them and putting on a front, but there really were times when my emotions just completely shut off (I mean like...I was trying to cry my heart out so that maybe I wouldn't feel like crap later, but I couldn't). It's like going through a bunch of switches.

 

I'm constantly on the fence from moving on to being hopeful. I get people, even on ENA/LS/RT telling me to move on, then other people on the forum later tell me how great a catch my ex as, how super rare she was, and it caused me to get pulled back in and put her on the damn pedestal. I'm actually moving on now as of a few days ago, then it's like...most of my damn friends suddenly went cold on me. I know I wasn't socially withdrawing. I'm reaching out for support, and I get being ignored or people "upset" with me even though they all agreed that I took the "high road" out in whatever they're upset with.

 

*** is up with all of these mixed signals from EVERYBODY!? At this point, I feel like my ex who couldn't even tell me why she broke up with me or her feelings makes the MOST sense out of all of my friends and people on ENA/LS/RT. Go out and date other people! No, don't go out and date other people because you're not over her. Go out and have fun with your friends! No, we're all angry at you so we're practically avoiding you! It's almost ironic. People are telling me not to let my ex and the BU affect me, but it seems like it affects everybody else much more than me.

 

I know I'll be all right. I've always dealt with my problems alone, especially relationship, and this past month's experience just further reinforces it. I'm not trying to socially withdraw; I feel like I'm essentially forced to now. I got parents riddled with cancer; family and siblings that are essentially a generation in difference and aren't really helpful or understanding when I open up to them, and I have to wait another month before work/school to keep myself busy. The novelty of travelling everywhere is dying...it's physically exhausting.

 

I guess I'm mostly ranting. My ex was my only confidant. It's part of the reason why I was so open with her and loved her so much. Maybe I was too open with her; who knows? So...how do people deal with this kind of stuff alone? I'll be physically stuck in my room every now and then starting tomorrow, so I'm so glad that this isn't the beginning of the BU when I was a huge, emotional mess. I envy all of you with friends who you share mutual trust with... Yeah, it's like dealing with 10 relationships ending. I know none of them mean to, my ex included, but it's like she ripped my heart out and threw it on the ground, and when I was about to pick it back up, everybody else kicked it out of my hand and continued kicking it some more.

 

I'm going through thoughts like...**** people. I'll just live life taking want I want now if this is the case. It might not be a healthy mindset, but whatever helps me move on without having to rely on people who aren't there, right?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Often friends just don't want to deal with being a sounding board for a break up..they just get tired of it. My suggestion is to really keep yourself busy...find several good books to read and immerse yourself in the books or in a hobby. Maybe find a place where you can volunteer your time.

[Angel Irulan]

Are any of your friends psych majors? I wondered because you said that they were referring to you as a sociopath? Sometimes there is criminality involved in that, but often not. One thing that's struck me about every friend I've ever had who's had aspd, is that if they want you to do something, and you don't do it, they tend to retaliate in some way, no, correct that: they always retaliate. And they often have no sense of proportion to their anger. They consistently show a pattern of violating others rights, do you? From your post it sounds like you are just in need of some social skills lessons. Unless there is something else you haven't told us?

 

Angel

[ZhaoZilong5]

Psych minors. Hmm...nah, they said that non-sociopaths can exhibit those tendencies, so they don't think I actually have ASPD. Let's see...long story short, I have a friend who got cheated on. Cheater was involved with many of my friends in one social circle. Some were involved knowingly, some weren't. My ex was unknowingly involved a long time ago before she dated me. I spilled the beans when said friend who was cheated on came to me going through the same kind of BU as me. In a way, I guess it's kind of...the same thing but flipped a little? It was something I always wanted to say for 4 years. Nobody told, I found my opportunity to tell (not as a form of retaliation).

 

And no, it's not about being a sounding board for a break-up. Even if it was, it's rather flakey, because this is the first time I've ever opened up to people about anything. Maybe they just feel like they don't know me. I have somebody who I'm close friends with and his GF. I talked to his GF, and he felt disrespected them both for asking if sending flowers to an ex would seem too desperate (something that he did). I know him from my childhood, and I met her through my best friend years before the two were even dating.

 

I have a close friend who thinks I purposely took a stolen phone. I didn't know the phone was stolen, because another mutual friend gave it to me, so I didn't question it. He thought I should have questioned it while everybody was in the living room. Me? I'm trying to fix the damn network. I zone out everything else while I'm working. We agreed that I believe what I believe and he believes what he believes, but he can't see me in the same light again.

 

So many more... Just a lot of unrelated incidents that people are blaming the reasons for my actions on my BU. If this is what BUs are like when I open up to people, then I had a damn good reason for not opening up. I only opened up because this is the first time I wanted to reconcile, and I am completely inexperienced in reconciling procedures. I probably would have done the clingy, pushy crap. In a way, I sort of did push her over the fence in the short-term, but it would have happened anyway. I didn't consciously know of concepts like NC. I went NC with a previous ex, but out of anger, which helped me move on, but I didn't know of the concept. It just seemed natural.

 

I feel like I lost my confidant. The one person who I could talk to and would understand. I can talk to my best friend, but he wouldn't understand a lot of this stuff. Well, he would, but he already has his own philosophy in life. Most of my closest friends distrust girls or choose to not care about them, and that works for them. Hell, it worked for me too, but not because I distrusted women, but because I didn't care about being in a relationship most of the time that I was single.

 

Either way, it's ridiculous to me that I have to resort to venting on the Internet because I don't have a friend to go to. Getting advice from multiple people with varying experiences is one thing, but losing friend who are blaming a BU is another. It's like...I opened up, they didn't like what they saw, and then my pillars that I looked forward to going to crushed me on top of my ex.

 

I already decided that I might have to go NC from the majority of my social circles. In a way, I guess NC itself is socially withdrawing.