MAJOR trust issues on both sides... could/should we work through this??

[Katie03]

I have posted breifly in the "breaking up" forum a couple of times in the past few days, but I am really distraught over this whole ordeal and need an objective, reasonable opinion on all of this. I'm just going to lay it all out on the line:

My fiance and I have been engaged and living together for the past 7 years (not because he did not want to marry me, if anything I have been postponing marriage for many reasons). 5 years before we got together his exwife of 12 years left him and took off with the kids, which I know was a very hurtful and painful time in his life. Things had been going very well for the first 5 and a half years or so. He always supported me, financially, emotionally, and otherwise in all situations and I have fully been there for him as well. It seemed as though our relationship didn't have many problems other than the occasional drama with his children, them getting into trouble or something (which is much better now as they are growing up into young adults). Anyways, the only other problem was that the two of us were both using some mind-altering substances, but neither of us are doing that kind of thing anymore. I have always had a jealousy thing over his ex wife. I mean he has always had to talk to her because of the kids, etc, but I always just accepted that and didn't put up too much of a stink because I realized that it was a necessary evil. Okay, so about a year and a half ago, two things pretty much simultaneously happened: 1) ex is threatening him with jail time because he is behind on his child support and 2) we got into a huge fight over something totally unrelated to the ex or the kids and i just walked off down the street. I was crying because I was so upset about the fight. So it starts to rain and some random man pulls up in his car asking me do I want a ride. I said no, but the guy persisted and I don't know why but I thought he was trying to be nice and actually thought he was gay by things he said and the way he acted and didnt want to walk in the rain, so I took a ride from this random guy. I told him where I was going, but he decided to take me out for coffee instead and it was nice to have someone to talk to about the situation. After hanging out a while, the guy started trying to make advances towards me and I turned him down and asked him to give me a ride home - he would not. I had no cell phone with me and no money. Eventually, after this guy realizes I'm not going to do anything sexually with him, he takes me home, but I was gone for a while. My fiance flipped about this and I know that what I did was not the best way to handle things, but I really think that my fiance thought and still does think that me and that guy had an affair. I have had a cyst down there for about a year prior to this, but the thing started getting worse and really painful so my fiance and I stopped having sex. I just now found out that from the time these things all happened, that he had been writing the ex wife very frequently for a period of 6 months. He stopped writing her about a year ago, but I am just finding all this out now. He had written her several things that were very very hurtful to me, such as "No woman will ever be able to measure up to you" and "I will never find a love like we once had, but I guess I've got to deal with what I've got." and reminiscing on times past, even going so far as to say bad things about ME to HER. I just found out about all of this about a month ago and I am completely disgusted. During that 6 month time frame, he had also said things of this nature to other people whom they both know, not sure if he wanted this to get back to her or was just telling anyone who would listen about how he regrets the events that led to their divorce and maybe if things had went differently, would they still be together. I kicked him out of the house three days ago, he is staying with his mother. He keeps telling me that I mean everything in the world to him and that he did what he did because he was hurt by me and not thinking clearly due to drug use (which he is not doing anymore), along with the fact that he was encouraging her to drop child support (it was reduced after this whole thing). I mean, I just don't know what to believe anymore and I will feel like I am being strung along if I stay. Can this be resolved? I hurt everyday because of this, I cannot even look at him it just hurts me too much. Or should this even be resolved?? Is there any point? At this point in our relationship, we both have major trust issues with each other and since I told him I am leaving him and kicked him out of the house, we are both very hurt. Thoughts, please? This is terrible.

[Katie03]

ANYBODY?? I realize this is long wided, and I apologize, but I felt all info was necessary

[Abigaelle]

Hi,

 

As you this situation is extremely complicated and I think this is because people are not sure what to say. I read everything you wrote and I understand that you're going through a lot. I may not be able to help in a best way since I am very young, but I can tell you what I think.

I think first of all you have to deal with yourself and try to understand whether you'd like to work this out. I think strangers cannot help you much. You have to talk with people who know the both of you. They're more able to help you understand whether you should stay or not. Also, you can ask you psychologist if you have one. And if you don't ( and that you can afford it) find one. It really helps.

Another thing that would help is taking a break...So he would learn how to appreciate you again.

But I think this can work. Maybe you should give him another chance and let him know this is the last time you're doing it. I mean it's not like he CHEATED on you. I feel he was just desperate.

[Katie03]

Thank you so much for the reply. I guess I just really wanted to get an objective opinion and didn't feel that my fiance or I could either be objective about the situation. And truthfully, I am embarassed to tell anybody who knows the both of us about this situation. I mean, if all those things were true I would look like the biggest fool. And I guess my worst fears are that he does honestly feel the way that he wrote, deep down, that I am not good enough or something. I have invested a lot in this relationship over the years.