Am I wrong?

[20sgal88]

It was my boyfriend's birthday yesterday. He teaches karate and is loved by his students and parents. One of his friends that's a girl was there (she's gorgeous) and also really nice. She talks to me a lot whenever she's around, she recently helped me out in some love triangle shenanigans that was going on with my brother; overall, I'd describe her as one of the most genuine people I've met.

 

The gift she gave my boyfriend of nearly five years yesterday was a friendship bracelet. She wears one and he wears the other one. I overheard her say he could put it on his keychain if he wanted. I felt a slight jolt of emotion. I had a hard time determining what it was exactly that I was feeling. Then came to the conclusion it had to be jealousy. I found myself distracted by it. I was talking to another person when she gave it to him and had to force myself to stay attentive in the conversation. After that I found myself dwelling on it and felt slightly unsettled.

 

Her and I actaully talked for a bit after that and she was as open and nice and sweet as usual. Almost made me feel bad for feeling jealous. One other thing I should mention is one time when my boyfriend and I got into a fight and didn't talk for 3 days he hung out with her and bought her shoes from what I found out later. That kinda bugged me.

 

I think I've found a lot of peace lately. Been delving in Eckhart Tolle material and it really helps. But I still notice dysfunctional patterns in myself. If I were truly enlightened this wouldn't bother me at all. Does anyone have any comments or suggestions?

 

Thank you. It would be greatly appreciated.

[Harrowdown]

How long have they been friends?

[pippy longstocking]

I am going to admit ...I wouldn't have liked it either , it would have bothered me , the intimacy of it and I would also have felt jealous ..

 

so I will be interested to see op , if it it just "us" or if the others would have felt like that , because like you , I would feel that it is my misgiving to feel like that ..

[SilentFish]

A few weeks ago I watched a video of buddhist monk explaining how in an argument, no one is ever completely wrong as no one is ever completely right either. It's an interesting thought, anyway, I think you've hit the nail on the head by describing the emotional distress you've been experiencing lately as being jealousy which keep in mind, I think is completely normal. How it is that you deal with it and/or weather or not you let it affect your personal life is questionable. I think jealously is inevitable when you're committed and emotionally invested in someone, it can however become a draining, miserable and disheartening experience should you dwell on it. My advice would be to steer away from it, realize that it is something that is universally experienced and try to stay positive.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I'm really curious about how old both of you are.

 

Are you wrong in feeling jealous? Definitely not!

[Natasha24]

Judging from OP's username, I'd assume you are 23 or 24. I don't think you're wrong for feeling jealous, and you seem to be handling it in a very mature way. I don't have any advice on what to do though. I guess just let it go?

 

I would be jealous as well. Plus, it's kind of an odd/childish gift for one adult to give to another adult.

[Lambert]

I would be jealous, too. Is he wearing it? I feel like men and women can be friends... but that's a little to intimate for me.

[bulletproof]

If I were truly enlightened this wouldn't bother me at all. Does anyone have any comments or suggestions?

 

I don't think part of being enlightened means you don't feel emotions. If that's how you feel, then that's how you feel. It's how you act on it (or not) that matters. It seems like a conversation you should have with your boyfriend. Just about your feelings, not to necessarily make him change anything about the friendship. Sometimes those can be the best conversations if you approach it from the right headspace, which you sound like you're in right now.

[Capricorn3]

I am going to admit ...I wouldn't have liked it either , it would have bothered me ,

 

so I will be interested to see op , if it it just "us" or if the others would have felt like that , because like you , I would feel that it is my misgiving to feel like that ..

I wouldn't have liked it either and it would have bothered me too. You've been together for 5 YEARS and a friend gives him a 'friendship' bracelet? No, you are not wrong to feel the way you do, imo.

 

How long have they been friends?

[orange1234]

Judging from OP's username, I'd assume you are 23 or 24. I don't think you're wrong for feeling jealous, and you seem to be handling it in a very mature way. I don't have any advice on what to do though. I guess just let it go?

 

I would be jealous as well. Plus, it's kind of an odd/childish gift for one adult to give to another adult.

 

totally agree

[20sgal88]

Thanks so much everyone for responding! I really do appreciate it.

 

How long have they been friends?

 

I wanna say...at least 3 years.

 

I'm really curious about how old both of you are.

 

Are you wrong in feeling jealous? Definitely not!

 

 

I am 24. He just turned 26 and his friend is 20 or 21.

 

Judging from OP's username, I'd assume you are 23 or 24. I don't think you're wrong for feeling jealous, and you seem to be handling it in a very mature way. I don't have any advice on what to do though. I guess just let it go?

 

I would be jealous as well. Plus, it's kind of an odd/childish gift for one adult to give to another adult.

 

You are very observant.

 

I would be jealous, too. Is he wearing it? I feel like men and women can be friends... but that's a little to intimate for me.

 

He was yesterday. And last night my mom teasingly told me in front of him to cut it off in his sleep. My boyfriend goes, “Ohhhhh no….” Then asks me, “Do you want me to take it off? I will.” I didn’t respond.

 

He spent the night last night then left it on my chest of drawers when he left this morning. I gave it to my brother to give it to him since I had to drop him off for karate. I actually didn’t notice if he was wearing it today.

 

I went to the dojo with my mom earlier and waited for him there. He asked me to watch the kids while he took a student home. It was a long drive. He had mentioned he didn’t want to go drop her off alone. When he returned, I discovered he had went with his bracelet-giving friend and that his car was still at the movie theater where he had gone earlier. When I took my mom home I just didn’t go back.

 

I feel we’re drifting apart and there’s not really a place for me in his life anymore. I start dental hygiene school this fall. It’s full time the next two years. August 27th it starts and I have 10 classes to worry about. My life soon won’t accommodate his presence either.

 

I don't think part of being enlightened means you don't feel emotions. If that's how you feel, then that's how you feel. It's how you act on it (or not) that matters. It seems like a conversation you should have with your boyfriend. Just about your feelings, not to necessarily make him change anything about the friendship. Sometimes those can be the best conversations if you approach it from the right headspace, which you sound like you're in right now.

 

That’s just it. Talking to him is futile especially since he won’t change. The root of the problem, I believe, is a fundamental difference in our personalities. I am withdrawn and introverted while he is outspoken and gregarious. His personality allows for such situations to take place. He attracts certain kinds of people and certain scenarios.

 

I don’t have male friends. A man would not feel so close with me that he would offer me a physical representation of that bond. I think I should remain silent on the matter and allow the relationship to dissolve. I need to work on myself. I’m too giving and feel neglected in this relationship. We’re not compatible and that’s why I feel these negative emotions.

 

This isn’t the first time I’ve been made to feel uncomfortable, invisible or pushed on the back-burner. I’ve talked to him about my feelings and to no avail. What good is discussing your feelings when the person at the center of them is responsible for creating situations that allow them to come into existence? I’ve had self-esteem issues for years and I thought that being in a relationship would fix that problem. It doesn’t. It just makes it worse. There is no salvation in a relationship.

[toonormal]

you are very insightful. I think his behavior is very odd though. That a friend gives him a 'friendship bracelet' is one thing, but that he seems to spend more time with her than with you is another. Have you asked him about his feelings for her before? If so what did he say? if not, I would ask him if it's possible that she feels more for him than friendship, or vice versa. tell him to look you in the eyes when he gives you the answer.

 

And if the relationship is good it should give you more self confidence, not less.

[bulletproof]

I think I should remain silent on the matter and allow the relationship to dissolve.

 

What good is discussing your feelings when the person at the center of them is responsible for creating situations that allow them to come into existence?

 

I think you are doing yourself (and your bf) a disservice by remaining silent and allowing the relationship to dissolve. You mention that you feel you've been ignored, put on the back burner, etc. It sounds like you're just giving in to those feelings now- you're passively keeping quiet and allowing things to just fall apart, with no discussion or decision on your part.

 

The point of discussing your feelings is to let them out so they don't eat you up inside and fill you with resentment. It doesn't always mean that the other person is going to listen or agree, but you should say how you feel when you're in a relationship with someone. Perhaps this would be a breakup conversation, who knows?

[20sgal88]

I talked to him about my feelings last night. He was understanding, assured me nothing was going on between him and his friend and told me that he's been busy. He really did come accross sincere. I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. I should start my menstral cycle within the next week. It might have something to do with it. He told me when he saw her last night she forgot to wear her bracelet and he didn't wear his either. And when I said he wouldn't like it if some guy gave me something like that he was like, "Oh yeah...yeah, I know," He was basically agreeing with me.

 

Come to think of it, my dad has a strange friend around his age that was giving me stuff a few months ago. My boyfriend said it bothered him a little bit but he trusts me and that nothing was going on between me and that guy. Certainly not! I was going to remain quiet on the matter but I'm glad I got my feelings out there. When I admitted my feelings of jealousy he didn't seem surprised. He even said, "Yeah, I saw that. I sensed that it bothered you,"

 

For now I feel at peace. But sooner or later something will come up agan. That's how life and relationships go it seems.

[Capricorn3]

When I admitted my feelings of jealousy he didn't seem surprised. He even said, "Yeah, I saw that. I sensed that it bothered you,"

What I find really odd is that he sensed it bothered you, and you have now TOLD him that it bothers you, yet he still continues to wear the bracelet? You would think if he knows it bothers you, he would put the thing away and not weat it anymore. Maybe it's just me, but something just seems "off", imo.

[20sgal88]

What I find really odd is that he sensed it bothered you, and you have now TOLD him that it bothers you, yet he still continues to wear the bracelet? You would think if he knows it bothers you, he would put the thing away and not weat it anymore. Maybe it's just me, but something just seems "off", imo.

 

 

He hasn't been wearing it. He actually forgot about it. I'll see what ends up happening. Thanks for your response!