Dear women, please tell me what is wrong with me...

[Shipwreck]

I need help. I can't for the life of me figure out what it is about me that repels nearly all women. I have plenty of women friends, but have very little experience dating and hooking up. I am desperate because in my own mind I am a nice, caring, respectful guy who is just looking for romance and a suitable match...please tell me, what is it about me that makes me such a great candidate as a "friend", but nothing more.

 

I am 26, live alone, am very clean (by men's standards), and (at least in my own opinion and in the opinion of my other girl "friends") a half-decent looking guy. I am tall, physically active (a bit on the slim side), but I take care of my body and have good hygiene. Blonde hair, green eyes, I always try to make myself presentable when I go out. I eat pretty healthy and go to the gym and play sports 4-5 times a week. I am sympathetic, sociable (if not sometimes a little on the shy side), have a good sense of humor, and am a decent conversationalist. I feel that I can always contribute something to a conversation so that it never gets to that awkward silence when there is nothing to say. I have some diverse hobbies, like to cook, speak 3 languages fluently, I play acoustic guitar, and have an all around pretty healthy lifestyle. I get along with most people I meet, being careful not to judge them too quickly and I always try to be empathetic towards the plight of others who are going through a rough time. I am a tad bit on the emotional side, but I am careful not to show my feelings too readily and make sure to try not to bum others out if I am feeling blue.

 

All in all I feel like I meet the criteria of what many women are looking for in a young guy. I am ready to commit to someone, and build a solid foundation for a good relationship. I want intimacy and romance, and I feel that (even though I still have a lot to learn about being a great boyfriend) I have learned a lot during my few previous relationships. I want to be there for someone, but it seems no one will have me!

 

Please I need to know, could it be because of my looks? While it is true that I would certainly not be the handsomest man in a room full of other men my age, I don't think that I am really "ugly" (unless women really do find tall blonde guys ugly). Is it because of my employment situation? Last year I quit my job to pursue my dream of going to medical school. Is it my body (too skinny), my attitude (too positive), my demeanor (too shy, too outgoing, too needy)?

 

I know it is very difficult for you girls out there to tell me exactly what my problem is without knowing really anything about me, but it seems as if all my other guy friends, even the ones who are most similar to me, are hooking up and finding girlfriends nowadays. It seems that I am the last dog at the bowl and I really need to know what it is that you suspect that I am doing to put women off dating me (even though they seem to be very willing to be my friends). I'd like to think that I am a pretty personable, fun-loving, hard-working, decent character. I always have tried to be the kind of guy a girl would be proud to take home to her family, yet here I am on a Saturday night alone again, with no prospects for finding "the one"...

 

Help me Obi Wan Kenobi

[pippy longstocking]

you sound ok to me

 

will meet you at 8

[Timebandit]

I am not a woman, but I think one simple question is called for; are you comfortable showing sexual and romantic interest in a woman?

[mpeer]

Where do I sign up?

 

Perhaps you are approaching dates with too high expectations and pressure which make for a very uncomfortable date. Be yourself and just have fun. Women will be more attracted to you if you are confident, fun, and relaxed.

[Steve55]

"These aren't the women you're looking for"....

 

All I can think of is what Mpeer wrote could be part of the problem and maybe the unfortunate reality that a lot of women your age are still into the "Bad Boy" phase. I was a lot like you at your age and had a lot of the same dating problems. Things got better as I got closer to 30. Don't give up!

[Shipwreck]

"These aren't the women you're looking for"....

 

All I can think of is what Mpeer wrote could be part of the problem and maybe the unfortunate reality that a lot of women your age are still into the "Bad Boy" phase. I was a lot like you at your age and had a lot of the same dating problems. Things got better as I got closer to 30. Don't give up!

 

Thanks all for the quick responses. It's funny Steve that you mentioned about women going through the "bad boy" stage, because oddly enough I also get the impression that a lot of the girls my age who claim they want romance and intimacy are hooking up with guys that clearly are not ready or willing to commit on a deeper level. I keep asking myself, "why the hell are these women interested in guys who are so clearly not ready to go the distance in terms of commitment and intimacy?!?" Of course I realize that some girls " just want to have fun" , but then they turn around and complain that their boy toys aren't living up to their expectations of what they look for in a boyfriend. So why do these girls choose to pursue unhealthy relationships which they KNOW are going end badly?!? It's incredibly frustrating and confusing to try to understand why these women say they want one thing but then latch onto guys who clearly represent the exact opposite!

 

But I guess I am not really interested in these kinds of women. I guess that is why I am looking for someone who is a bit more "mature" in an emotional sense and has a better clear idea of exactly what SHE is looking for. I feel like I am past that point in my life where I am willing to put up with drama, contradictions and unnecessary arguments over the "little" things. I know it sounds cliche, but I would want a woman who loves me for who I am, and in return I would do the same. I hope you're right that it does get better soon...the waiting is hardest part I guess

[bulletproof]

You mentioned you are home alone on a Saturday night, again. Why? That leads me to believe that you aren't as social as you think you are, or as social as you need to be. What do you do to meet women? How do your friends meet women? And when you do meet someone you're interested in, do you ask them out?

 

You mentioned you're shy. That can be a killer. How shy are you, exactly?

[Messiah]

I wonder what kind of things your ex would say about you. You mentioned a previous relationship. Why did that relationship fail? Did she communicate any reasons that she was dissatisfied with you (if she was)? And what about your shyness, when you're around close people do you then open up to them? Or are you a typically all around quiet guy? Sometimes shyness and quietness can be conceived as boring. I think that's why girls often like to live on the edge with "bad boys". Those guys may be asses, but usually they offer entertainment and excitement. Also there's just the issue of making moves, expressing sexual/romantic interest... Sometimes shy guys have a lot of trouble making moves to express their interest, and because of that fall into the friend zone.

[Timebandit]

I keep asking myself, "why the hell are these women interested in guys who are so clearly not ready to go the distance in terms of commitment and intimacy?!?" Of course I realize that some girls " just want to have fun" , but then they turn around and complain that their boy toys aren't living up to their expectations of what they look for in a boyfriend. So why do these girls choose to pursue unhealthy relationships which they KNOW are going end badly?!? It's incredibly frustrating and confusing to try to understand why these women say they want one thing but then latch onto guys who clearly represent the exact opposite!

 

Your first step should be to start focusing on the part that you can do something about - which is yourself. The impression I get from your post is, that you have the underlying belief that a woman should/could fall for you if you are just kind, considerate, caring and clean enough. While these are perfectly good traits to have (depending on the motivation) in a relationship, they are seldom the things women fall for to begin with. And taken to an extreme, niceness can become boring, one-dimensional and seem like an attempt to get other people to like one (I am sadly talking from experience here).

 

The men I see running with the women are usually men who are capable of showing their sexual and romantic interest in women. Some of them in healthy ways, and some of them in less healthy ways. But showing up is really the first part part of attracting women.

 

Since you seem to have nailed the "good guy" to a T maybe you can also find another side to yourself?

[Shipwreck]

Hi Bulletproof. Interesting that you mention about my social skills: maybe you are right! Maybe I am not nearly as social as I would like to think I am. If I were I would probably be out at a bar right now with my mates instead of sitting in front of the laptop. Good food for thought.

 

I am a bit shy, but I try to overcome my shyness by "forcing" myself to start conversations and talk to others. But sometimes I get the impression that other people (especially women) can't be arsed to have a conversation with me. It can get a bit discouraging at times. But I try to regroup the next day and start again, but I sometimes feel that I am not really making any progress. It seems that all of the new women I do meet end up falling into the friend zone.

 

It seems that there is a general consensus that my biggest problem is my inability to show romantic interest. I suppose my biggest fear in expressing sexual/romantic interest is that I am paranoid that a woman will think that I am just some perv who is looking for sex. Don't get me wrong, I want that as well, but I don't want to give off the impression that I am just some slimy douche bag who is only interested in one thing. I know many girls are on their guard for these kinds of guys, so I try to make it very clear that I am wanting more than just a one-night stand. Could this be my downfall? If so, how exactly could I show my sexual/romantic interest without coming off like a dirt bag?

[Messiah]

I totally get what you mean about not wanting to come off a slimy douche bag. I feel that ways sometimes myself (and I'm a woman) around guys who I am interested in specifically. I guess a good place to express interest would be... Say a girl self depricates, which I think a lot of women do: "I'm pretty boring", you could use that chance to say something, "I don't think you're boring." That in itself could be a friendly thing to say. But it's all based on your delivery -- if your intonation may express a little bit of sexual interest. Don't say it in "Polite" tone. And the content is so little of note that you wouldn't come off as a slimy douchebag. Or you could even change the wording around, "I think you're very interesting " Yes add a winky smile into it. That could work.

[bulletproof]

Well, if a guy asks me on an actual date, not just to go home with him, then I assume he is not just looking for sex. I could still be wrong, but I think most women would give the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

Keep in mind also that sometimes, yes, people cannot be bothered to want to have a conversation with you, me, or anyone else. It probably has nothing to do with you personally. Perhaps this is where the sensitivity you spoke of comes into play. You just can't care what people think. You have to take risks to get anything in life. So if you are finding yourself holding back or not taking chances, change that first.

[Blue92]

You could be unconciously coming off as too needy and desperate to women. That aside, you sound like a totally AWESOME guy! A man who spoke 3 different languages and could cook and play music would certainly turn me on!

Here's what the problem probably is: Although you listed many great attributes to yourself, there is always one major thing that can turn a girl off with the snap of a finger. You might be a little too sweet and caring for a woman. Therefore, girls are just looking at you like another potential gf. Girls like men who play a little "bad" sometimes, even in their late 20's. So, you might just taste a little too sweet, hon!

[mpeer]

Well, if a guy asks me on an actual date, not just to go home with him, then I assume he is not just looking for sex. I could still be wrong, but I think most women would give the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

Keep in mind also that sometimes, yes, people cannot be bothered to want to have a conversation with you, me, or anyone else. It probably has nothing to do with you personally. Perhaps this is where the sensitivity you spoke of comes into play. You just can't care what people think. You have to take risks to get anything in life. So if you are finding yourself holding back or not taking chances, change that first.

 

^^^this

 

While you should be respectful and not come accross as someone seeking for sex only, you should also make it clear you are physically attracted to the woman. On first dates, I prefer men who give me a sensitive kiss at the end of the date if it went well. I guess if there was any chemistry or connection there you'd know and be able to approach a woman more directly without holding back.

[Steve55]

Great advice here from a lot of female ENA'ers.

 

I think I also fell into the "too nice" category back in the day. I'd be struggling for dates while obnoxious friends of mine seemingly wouldn't have a problem finding one, even with girls I'd assumed wouldn't go for that.

 

I usually did try to make sure the girl knew I was physically attracted to them, usually a kiss at the end of the date, but I was careful not to seem like I was only trying to get them into bed. In spite of that, I didn't have my first LTR until I was 28.

 

Just hang in there and know there is a great woman out there for you.

[iamthewalrus]

You sound like a wonderful person. However, in your description of yourself, it sounded to me as if you expect perfection in yourself, and you'd rather strive for that than accept some of your flaws (this is based on your tone and the details you chose to include). I have a number of guy friends like that, and while they're lovely and fun to be around, the all come off a bit like robots to me, which keeps me from being further attracted to them. Genuineness beats perfection any day, and a flawed person who is being himself is much more enticing than someone who looks great on paper but is trying too hard to uphold it. I don't know you, and I can't know if this is accurate or not, but perhaps it provides some insight.

 

-a 24 year old woman

[Pinnacle]

You're not sexually aggressive enough. This isn't to say grope at will every chick you meet, but if you suspect there is interest, don't be bashful with the kiss. Once that barrier is broken, the possibility for clothes to fall off is very real. And don't ever feel that you don't want a girl to think this or that. You have no control over what she thinks, but if you can get her to do something, then she's already thought about it.

[Joleen]

Eh, I have some different theories.

 

I personally prefer shy-ish guys to super confident ones. So I don't know that being shy is the problem. Here are my theories:

 

1) you're going for girls that are just in different places in their lives. I have a male friend who does this - he keeps dating girls in their early 20s who are flashy and super done-up (hair and makeup) and look a bit plastic to me. Then he complains that they don't want anything serious. Well, these girls are going out to bars every night - they're after something different than he is, so no wonder he's striking out.

 

2) You're going for girls out of your league.

 

3) You're too focused on yourself and making sure she likes you. Focus on HER, getting to know her, and think about whether or not you like her. It's painfully obvious if you're out with a guy who just wants to be with any woman, vs one who is into YOU.

 

Sounds to me like you need to meet different kinds of women. Maybe online dating or doing volunteer work would be good?

[Helis4life]

The only thing wrong with you is you believe something is wrong with you. And you wont find the answer you looking for on an internet forum. I know, Ive searched.

 

First step is to remember that not every woman is the same and what they like in a man is different. So youve have some bad luck finding someone to breed with, it happens. I think you should re evaluate your position on a committed intimate relationship. Your 26, you need to get out and find what it is that you like in a girl, You dont want to grab the first one who is willing.. it could be a match made in hell.

 

There is no over night solution here, You need to keep chipping away at your attitude and slowly making yourself more relaxed about life, and who you are and being single. Its perfectly fine being single.

[Shipwreck]

Really chuffed that I received so many great responses. The underlying theme in most of the replies seems to be that I need to be more bold in making my intentions known. Somehow I guess I always knew that this was part of the problem, since it involves me being too scared to leave my comfort zone. I am petrified, like many other guys, of being shot down or having my approach misconstrued. But it seems that this fear is clearly doing more harm than good and I am end up cheating myself out of some potential relationships with some really cool women. I am not sure how to practice "being more forward and direct" though...it's not like there is a simulator which I can use to practice "picking someone up" (although that would be really cool if there was). Maybe I can ask some of my friends who are women exactly what I can do to make my intentions more clear.

 

I think above all else what this comes down to is leaving my comfort zone: I have to be ballsy enough to make it absolutely clear what I am looking for and then leave the ball in her court. If I get slapped in the face a few times while learning the process, well maybe that's just something I have to deal with as part of the educational experience. I really wish it would be possible though to just be completely honest with someone right from the get-go. I don't really enjoy playing mind-games. I know some people like that as part of flirting, but I would much prefer just to have an open honest conversation with someone about exactly what I am feeling. I know that makes me sound a bit feminine, but that is just how my mind works. I need to have an open dialogue with myself and the person I would share my life with. But I guess if I have to be a bit more aggressive to get attention then that is unfortunately what I will have to do...but honestly I am not really looking forward to it that much...It's not really in my nature to be "aggressive sexually"...

[renewing]

Just wondering something... Is your physical attraction to a person actually of lower importance than your rapport with them or the attraction you have to their personality? Or do you just want it to seem like it because you don't want to feel shallow?

[Shipwreck]

Just wondering something... Is your physical attraction to a person actually of lower importance than your rapport with them or the attraction you have to their personality? Or do you just want it to seem like it because you don't want to feel shallow?

 

Let me put it this way: if a woman has a terrible personality then it wouldn't matter to me how gorgeous she is. So, in answering your question, yes: physical attraction is in a way of lower importance...

 

Don't really see what you are getting at to be honest..... I never said that I am looking for the perfect woman. I'm looking for the right woman. Makes very little difference to me if she is tall and blonde or short and geeky...as long as there is an attraction and connection.

[FYI]

You sound like a really easygoing guy and unfortunately that will only get you but so far with women. Take it from somebody who knows, trust me. Easygoing, but perhaps not assertive enough and I think that may be what the problem is. The reason why jerk-men are so successful with women is because they are much more assertive and confident. Confidence is the #1 ingredient and if you don't put that on display, or you appear shy, timid or really reserved women tend not to be as interested. Jerk-men sometimes are overly confident and there's a such thing as too much bravado which can also be a killer as well, so you have to find that happy medium.

[Steve55]

Let me put it this way: if a woman has a terrible personality then it wouldn't matter to me how gorgeous she is. So, in answering your question, yes: physical attraction is in a way of lower importance...

 

Don't really see what you are getting at to be honest..... I never said that I am looking for the perfect woman. I'm looking for the right woman. Makes very little difference to me if she is tall and blonde or short and geeky...as long as there is an attraction and connection.

 

I think you have your head on straight and and have the right set of values in terms of what type of woman you are looking for. I think most guys would agree with you. I know I would.

 

Just take it from someone who's been through the wars, this will get better as you get into your late 20's. Women will start to see you differently.

 

That said, you do need to be sure to show the woman that you are physically attracted. There is a world of difference between being more assertive and being aggressive. I think you know that. Read the signs and go from there.

[Pinnacle]

If a woman slaps you in the face, disrespects you, etc. then she has already disqualified herself and proved that she is not worth your time. Imagine a woman going for a kiss, the guy gets offended, and slaps her in the face! Some would call that physical abuse. In that same line, it is not okay for a woman to slap you in the face if you are trying to make a move so to speak.

 

 

Being afraid of rejection is moot since if you get rejected, odds are you will never see that person again and it in no way will affect your life, but it will affect your ego. Sucks to get rejected, but at the early stages of the game it really isn't anything personal. You just need to trudge through it and move on.