He disappeared POOF!... Think he went back to his ex :(

[ohboo]

Hey Ena'ers.

It's been awhile since I was last on, but something happened recently, and I could use some insight/advice. I'll try to keep it brief...

 

Met this guy a year ago, through my best friend. It's her husband's best friend. She'd told me about him before her wedding, and that she thought we'd be great together, but he had a gf at the time. She said they were on the rocks. Met him at her wedding last year, and we hung out the whole day (both in the bridal party) and totally hit it off. The whole bridal party was talking about how him and I seemed to have this connection. But, he had the gf. So I left it alone. He talked a bit about how he wasn't happy with her, but didn't know what to do about it. We kept in touch over the year and built a kind of friendship, which I was totally fine with it being just that.

 

Fast forward to this year. May. We saw eachother at a mutual friend's party. He'd told me a few months before that he'd broken up with her, but we hadn't hung out and I hadn't been making much of an effort to return his texts. I didn't want to be the rebound. We did start hanging out a bit after that party though, and he started texting and calling everyday. We talked in the beginning, about neither of us wanting a serious relationship at this time. But, he slowly started pushing it in that direction. I held off though. I let him set the tone of how things would go, because I wanted to get to know him better, and wasn't sure I wanted a relationship with him. I never asked him how he felt, he freely gave up the information slowly. He'd say things like that he'd deleted the dating profile he had because he realized those were not the type of girls he wanted to spend his time with. He called and texted me every single day, and he made plans. He made the plans in advance, and not the night of. So it certainly didn't feel like friends with benefits. He was slowly starting to open up more about his past and his feelings. But, I never let on how I felt about him. He'd egg me on in texts and ask if I missed him, and if anyone had stolen me away from him. I never responded by saying I missed him or anything. I didn't start sleeping with him until he brought up us not seeing anyone else. But there still wasn't a talk about us being in a relationship. It just kind of moved in that direction. I never assumed we were bf and gf though.

 

My best friend told me she knew that he liked me a lot, and to just take it slow. And I did. He showed his interest everyday. He was calling and texting everyday, then last week, he called me on tuesday, everything seemed fine. He was making cute jokes about us as usual, and showing me that he was interested, and talking about the next time we see eachother. Then BOOM. Gone. Never heard from him again. I did try to text once after about 5 days, No response. So, I gave up. I don't chase guys, and I know the saying 'he's just not that into you'. This isn't the first time a guy has disappeared after everything seemed to be going well.

 

I'm also not stupid. I know that if they disappear, it's always because of another girl. People may say oh maybe he's just busy or maybe this or maybe that. No. It's always because of another girl. If a guy is getting sex somewhere, he's not going to give it up just for nothing. My thing is this, over the weekend that I did not hear from him, it was his sibling's wedding. I know from when we started he'd told me that it took him nearly a year to break things off with his ex, because his family loved her so much and his child liked her so much. He said he'd really had to think about it and make sure it was the right decision, so it had taken awhile, but that's how he knew he was done with her. We'd had that conversation even before we started really hanging out.

 

So, I'm guessing she was probably already invited to that wedding before they'd broken up. I'm assuming he's gone back to her, and that's why he just disappeared, because he probably doesn't have the balls to tell me that's what happened. I really did like this guy a lot, I've never had that sort of connection with someone before. I've had lots of bf's but never that feeling of feeling like I've known the person my whole life already and being that comfortable with them so early on. I asked my best friend if he'd gotten back with his ex, she said she hadn't heard anything about that. She may just be in an awkward position and doesn't want to give up the information, or be the one to hurt me, who knows. I'm not going to push her. My gut tells me this is what is going on, and usually, my gut is right.

 

My question is this. I haven't called him out on it, I don't see the point. Eventually, the truth will come out as we have mutual friends. I don't want things to be awkward at mutual events. I do really like him, and maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved with him so soon after his breakup. Is there anything I can do to alleviate the awkward feeling in case we run into each other? If it is the ex he left me for, I don't see it working out well for them, they had so many troubles. I stupidly hope it doesn't work out, and he contacts me, but I'm not holding out for that. At this point, I just want to figure out how to reach out to him to make sure we can still be friendly, without coming accross that I'm angry, or that I want him back? In the beginning he made a big deal about us always being friends no matter what, and that it was really important to him. Now I feel it was all a lie?? And he never really cared?? But I know he did care... I just don't know how to play this out now.... I'm actually really hurt. We had a friendship for a year before this, and he just poof vanished .... advice?? thanks!

[dasilver]

Hi Mexicanjammer,

 

I am so sorry you're going through this....

 

This just goes to show that you can do absolutely everything right in a relationship and that doesn’t mean you’ll end up happily ever after.

 

For some crazy reason, i believe this man will come back.

 

He may have gone back to his ex....he may not have. However if the case is he has....he probably had some unresolved feelings that needed taking care of.

 

Once done, i'm almost certain he'll be back.

 

You've handled yourself so very well. I hope some guy out there sees your potential.

[nutbrownhare]

You're probably right about the ex, though there's no way of knowing for sure right now. Of course you feel hurt, but you have kept your dignity throughout all this, and any awkwardness is his responsibility, not yours. If you do see him at a social event, just be pleasant but distant, the way you would with a friendly acquaintance. Let him have all the embarrassment if any, and hold your head high.

 

It would be very difficult for you to make contact with him right now without appearing either angry or that you want him back - because, quite reasonably, that's how you feel at the moment. He has shown himself to be cowardly and lacking in integrity and this isn't likely to change any time soon. Even if he does contact you at some point in the future, he's already shown that he's willing to pick you up and drop you with no explanation, and this doesn't bode well for a relationship.

 

Sorry you're going through this - you really don't deserve it!

[ohboo]

Thanks guys! Ya, I think I handled myself well. What they say is true, you DO learn from past experiences. Similar situations have happened before, and I've learned that calling them out on it, doesn't help the situation, and just makes you feel worse and look desperate and needy. This situation is a bit different though, as there are mutual friends involved, and I have no idea what he's been saying to them. My best friend won't really say much to me about the situation, I totally understand it's gotta be a rough spot for her to be in though, so I refuse to push her on it or try to talk to her about how I'm feeling about it. I'll just let it be.

 

Dasilver, what makes you think he'd come back? I mean, I try to put myself in his shoes, and if it is the ex, I can understand why he wouldn't want to tell me that cuz it'd make him look like a hypocrit after telling me how 'done' he was with her. He even mentioned that they weren't even in contact anymore. But, I also feel like he must know what he did to me was totally rude and hurtful, and if I were him, I'd be way too afraid to come back or say anything to me at all. I'd be afraid of getting yelled at lol. Which just makes me think I'll never hear from him again. Part of me hopes I never do, and that I just get over it and move on. But the stupid feelings inside me won't just let go and forget about him, and stupidly hope he'll be back. Ugh. So annoying I can't stop thinking about him.

 

You know though, I kind of hope that it IS her that's the reason. At least then I'd know it's because of their history, and that I never had a chance. Then I wouldn't be left here wondering what I did wrong to make him POOF away, and why was't I good enough....

[dasilver]

 

Dasilver, what makes you think he'd come back?

 

...because you've done absolutely nothing to hurt him. It will be impossible for him to continue to convince himself that he shouldn't.

[lavenderdove]

Well, i wouldn't jump to too many conclusions because you really don't know...

 

He could have gone back to his ex, or met someone new, or just gone to a wedding and gotten spooked and thought, 'i don't want to get serious with anybody', or gotten confused seeing his ex, or gotten depressed or who knows what.

 

But it is bad form to just disappear without a word... but he may be being cowardly as many are, as in he doesn't quite know how to tell you he's changed his mind or that he wants to start up with his ex and so is just avoiding that conversation and hoping he can sneak off and you won't notice or complain.

 

If it were me, i'd leave him one voicemail or email and keep it short and light, and say something like, 'hey, what happened? Are you OK? If i don't hear from you soon, i'm going to have to assume you're not interested in continuing with me. I'd appreciate it if you just let me know what is going on. Either way it is OK, just let me know whether you're still interested or not.'

 

If that doesn't get a response, then you can just assume he is really gone. But sometimes people who are confused or don't know quite what to say or don't want just disappear saying nothing, because in the back of their mind they hope if they change their mind they can come back and act like nothing happened.

 

I've had someone who i had a long relationship with do this to me SEVERAL times, where he would drop in and out and it was ALWAYS related to something going on with another woman where he felt obligated to go with her for whatever reason, then would swing back around, even 18 months later trying to see me again and acting as if nothing happened!

 

But people who do this are usually selfish and a bit clueless or cowardly... they don't want to commit to staying, but they don't want to commit to leaving and cutting off their options to come back either so they just sneak off and hope it will somehow straighten itself all out if they do nothing.

 

In my case, i was polite to the guy when he came back around because i had loved him, but i also made it very clear to him that he couldn't drop in an out of my life on a whim and that he had his chance and didn't take it so there was no point in pretending like he hadn't just snuck off and really hurt me when he had!

 

I also knew him well enough to know that he had commitment issues and as soon as he was locked down with one woman, he'd start to chafe against the restrictions of a relationship and try to flee to another so no point in going back into that for another turn in the bucket!

 

So it might actually be good news to have this happen early on if your guy is the kind who never wants what he has, and always wants something else, but can never make up his mind either. If that is the case, it is better to get rid of him sooner before you get any more involved with him only to get dumped and recycled later.

 

So i'd send a nice polite and mature email (very short, a few lines only) asking him what's up and if he's decided he's no longer interested in dating you and if so, to just let you know or not. And if he either responds or doesn't, either way you have your answer because a non-response is the same as him agreeing with your assessment that he's dumped you and didn't know what to say so said nothing. And if he responds that he's been laid up in the hospital after an accident, at least you haven't sent him an angry email or ignored his disappearance as if you didn't notice.

[ohboo]

Well dasilva, that may not be the case. See, I was afraid to talk to my best friend about how I was feeling, so I didn't when she tried to bring it up. I pretended I was just stressed at work. Then I felt bad, so I apologized to her for thinking I couldn't talk to her about it, as I hadn't wanted to put her in an awkward situation, and that I felt like a jerk for avoiding talking to her about it but that I'd like to as she's my best friend. She called and we talked, and she was a bit rude! She said 'I don't even know anything about what's going on, it's not like they sit around talking about you you know'. I said well yes I know, but I thought maybe he might have mentioned something, and I hadn't wanted it to feel like a he said she said situation. She said 'you are the one making a scene, and you are the one making it into a he said she said situation'. I was like well, no, I wasn't trying to make it into one, I was just trying to avoid it becoming one.

 

I told her I don't hate him, I'm just hurt, and confused, and that I assumed he'd gone back to his ex, which is fine. And that I'd just wanted him to be honest and say something, so it wouldn't be awkward should we run into eachother in front of our mutual friends. She said 'you're the one making it awkward'.

 

So, she did say that everything I say to her would stay between us. As she pretended to lend me an ear. I kept it light though, cuz I was getting the feeling she's going to tell her husband (as I KNOW he's going to ask her what I said), that I'm causing a scene and I'm all upset stuff. And THAT is going to get back to the guy. So, I do not think I will hear from him ever again, because I think my friend inadvertantly is going to make this seem like a big deal. When all I wanted, was to be able to talk to my best friend about my feelings about something that hurt me.

 

A good friend, would've said (should it ever have come up in convo with her husband or the dude), 'I dunno, she hasn't really said anything. she seems happy and fine, and she's dating and stuff, so I don't think she cares'. But, I do not get the feeling that is what she will do.

[Sportster2005]

I don't think you're stupid. I do think you are drawing conclusions out of thin air. Men often leave or give up for a lot of reasons. I think this guy was absolutely into you. How was he rewarded for his efforts? It seems he was doing most of the heavy lifting. Texting you, calling you. And it's fine if you want to take your time. Just realize he may have had another agenda. If it appeared to him, that it was taking too long, he simply may have moved on.

 

You state things were going well. For who? You state you never let on how you feel about him. Is he supposed to read your mind? To him you might appear indifferent and not interested. Of course he's going to move on. How long do you want to keep them in your back pocket? Stick to not chasing men. If he's as good a catch as you say he is, he'll have no problem finding someone that reciprocates his advances.

 

Once two people decide to move from friendship to dating there is no guarantee or obligation that the friendship will be there when the romance, or attempt at romance screeches to a grinding halt.

 

Sorry to be harsh. It seems he make a judgment call, and that call was to move on. And if there was another woman maybe she gave him what he was looking for, instead of being stuck in a holding pattern. And at the end of the day if he wanted to go at a different pace than you, you two weren't just a good match.

[ohboo]

sportster, I understand that it may seem that way from what I wrote. But that's not the case. We had a big talk after hanging out twice, because we had made out and realized at that point it had moved from friendship to something else. He said he was not looking for a relationship, I said I wasn't either. I wasn't at the time. He made a big deal that he wasn't ready for one just yet, and that he'd promised himself a year of being single.

 

He was pretty hard to have serious conversations with, as he joked about everything. He teased me and joked, like a boy in elementary school that likes a girl. I did joke around back with him, but when I tried, he'd say stuff like 'don't act silly'. And the joking would come to a halt. He was implying that I was acting like a crazy gf or something each time. So, that's why I didn't discuss feelings with him. He'd bring it up, by making jokes such as 'how much do you miss me' and 'have you been stolen away yet'. I'd respond with stuff like 'why, are you worried I'll be stolen away?' and no response really. He knew I liked him, I did make it known by my actions more than my words. I did respond that I did in fact miss him one of the times he was joking around about it. But the conversation didn't move forward. I did try to let him know how I felt by my actions, and by joking around with him when he'd bring it up. I just didn't sit there and say ok, let's have a conversation about our feelings.

 

Trust me. He knew I liked him. He'd have to have been blind not to. And, if he wanted more, all he had to do was bring it up and talk about it with me. I was pretty open, we'd had a big talk in the beginning, twice actually, there was no reason for him to think he couldn't come to me and talk about stuff.

[lavenderdove]

>>He said he was not looking for a relationship, I said I wasn't either. I wasn't at the time. He made a big deal that he wasn't ready for one just yet, and that he'd promised himself a year of being single.

 

OK, that is the problem then. You told him you were not looking for a relationship, and he said he didn't want one either. What that means is you each have no obligation to each other and are just 'hanging out' in a FWB sitaution and not really 'dating' in the true sense of the word where he owes you anything or has to keep calling you. You say you don't want a relationship, but your expectation was that he should behave like a BF and not just a casual sex partner who you are not in a relationship with. If he said he didn't want a relationship, then that means there should be no expectations at all and he could come and go as he pleases and not be obligated to call you or see you or be faithful to you.

 

So he may feel that he doesn't owe you anything at all. Personally, i think that anyone who is seeing you regularly and having sex with you SHOULD tell you if they've changed their mind and don't want to be with you anymore, but many people think as soon as they have that 'i don't want a relationship' conversation with you, they owe you nothing at all.

 

So the real problem was he was never your BF and never took it seriously, and you did and thought you were working towards something more and he was just hanging out and having a FWB thing.

 

My advice is to never get involved with anyone who says they aren't looking for a relationship, and to believe them when they say it, and know that you aren't in a relationship and hence the other person will have no responsibility towards you at all and expect you to expect nothing from them.

 

I think this was a big miscommunication and big gap between expectations about what it meant to spend time with each other. In his mind he was still single (as he said he intended to be single for a year) and having fun/sex with you in a FWB situation, but to you, you were working on a relationship with a future and expectations.

 

So at this point i'd just let it go. Don't do anything at all. Assume it is as he told you, that he is single and was always single and that he feels he doesn't owe you anything. Next time recognize when someone says they don't want a relationship, it means you are just having FWB sex and that means nothing and is most likely going nowhere. I personally don't believe in FWB because i think it is a waste of time and many people do get really hurt and misunderstand what it means, as you did.

 

btw, i think your female friend was very rude to you! I don't know if i'd stay friends with someone who responded that way to you, with so little empathy and very aggressive attack on you for just asking about him which would be a normal thing for you to do. I think her loyalties lie with the otehr guy and not with you, so i would back off and not confide in her any more.

[ohboo]

lavanderdove, I agree about my female friend. I was kind of shocked that she reacted that way. Sucks that this whole situation has caused a rift there too.

 

He had said things throughout the entire time that led me to believe otherwise about it being a fwb situation. Things about it not being about sex, and that I was worth more than that to him. I didn't even sleep with him right away. It took a month at least. Didn't do it until I knew there was nobody else, and until he'd said that obviously he wanted to see where things could go if we were continuing to hang out.

 

You're right though, I shouldn't get with anyone that says they aren't looking for a relationship. Problem is, EVERYONE says that. I really wasn't looking for one when I started out with him. I just started to realize how much I liked him, and how easy going we were together, so I thought it could work. He was already pushing it in that direction anyway.

 

But a girl can't just go around telling every guy she hangs out with a few times that she is looking for a relationship. They will all run away lol. I thought I was supposed to play it cool, and not talk about it much, and let him decide. I have no idea anymore what is right, and what is wrong in dating I just wanted to hang with him for awhile to see how I felt, I ended up liking him, his actions and words showed me he felt the same, it seemed to be going in a good direction slowly, and then BAM. gone.

 

I get that he doesn't owe me anything because of the conversation we had in the beginning. But other stuff was said along the way, by him, that lead me to believe that I did deserve an explanation. I'm very tempted to text or call and ask what's up, but I know I shouldn't. Sometimes I do think maybe I was not open enough and maybe he walked away because he got sick of being the one calling and texting all the time and thought I wasn't interested... but then I think, no, if someone really liked you, they'd talk to you about that, not just walk away

[lavenderdove]

Oh, i am not saying at all that you were wrong to want an explanation from him... if he is seeing/talking to you every day and making noises like he wants to be a part of your life, even as a friend he should tell you he's decided to stop seeing you or stop having sex with you.

 

What i am trying to say is that if someone specifically says up front they are not interested in a relationship and also things like they want to be single, that person isn't really interested in building a relationship or emotionally available for one, even if they are willing to have sex to meet their sexual needs. They may want fun now and again and sex, but I'd rule them out because of the risk involved and it really isn't getting you any closer to having a real partner to see men like that.

 

and if someone says they don't want a relationship, then don't ever have sex with them until they say they do want a relationship or are dating with the intent of finding someone who is right for them. If they start to put the moves on you, you stop them and ask if they'd changed their mind and decided they do want to be in a relationship. If they say no, then don't have sex with them. That's the best way to weed out people who only want a FWB situation. I just wouldn't risk my heart on anyone who wasn't interested in actually investing in me and a relationship. It is too easy to get attached to someone, especially if you are having sex, but there are many people (especially men) who can and do have sex without emotions involved (witness the number of men seeing female hookers, and women almost never see men hookers).

 

FWBs have become the new free hookers! It is greatly to the advantage of men who want sex but don't want to be responsible to or have a relationship with the woman involved or to pay for regular sex. So next time just say no to any man who makes a big point of saying they don't want a relationship or want to stay single. Men who are interested in just sex and a little fun will see you and have sex with you, but only up until the point they find someone they like better or your start to take it too seriously and start to put demands or expectations of any kind onto them.

[nutbrownhare]

Sometimes I do think maybe I was not open enough and maybe he walked away because he got sick of being the one calling and texting all the time and thought I wasn't interested... but then I think, no, if someone really liked you, they'd talk to you about that, not just walk away

 

Did you really never initiate contact, and always wait for him? If so, he may well have thought you weren't that interested. If someone's not interested, then talking about it would probably scare them off altogether, so if that's the case then it's not surprising that he didn't raise it. Most guys are a lot more reluctant than most women to raise this kind of issue in the first place - so assuming he'd talk to you about it isn't being particularly realistic. When one person in a relationship is consistently giving far more than 50%, inevitably there will come a time when they get fed up, and give up. Possibly he even stopped contacting you to see if you actually WOULD get in touch with him if he wasn't initiating all the time.

 

I know what you mean about not wanting to appear clingy and needy, but if you've been in consistent contact and slept with someone, maintaining a balance in who does the initiating is completely appropriate. As regards saying that you don't want a relationship... I've done this in the past. Then things have gone so well that after a while I've laughingly said something along the lines of "You know what I said about not wanting a relationship? Erm, maybe we could talk about that...". You know in your guts when things are going really well and that it's the right time to say it. From what you've put on here, your relationship (in a general sense) with this guy was advanced enough to take that conversation.

 

If the statement that he was the one calling and texting all the time IS a gross exaggeration, then disregard the above!

 

As to what to do now, if maintaining the contact was actually 50/50 and he's just vanished, then maintain your dignity and continue as you are.

[ohboo]

lavendar, you are absolutely right. And, usually I do not sleep with someone unless I'm in a relationship. I think I made the assumption that things were moving in that direction based on things said, and his actions showing me he wanted more, so I allowed the intimacy to start. I should've had a conversation about where it was going. I think I was afraid I'd push him away if I did though.

 

nutbrown, so... if it was him innitiating all the time, does that mean I should contact him? It's been over a week now, could be too late. But I was always under the understanding that if someone really liked you, they'd let you know, which I felt he was doing by his actions and words. It really was him innitiating pretty much 90% of the time. If this is the case, and he left because he got fed up, what could I possibly say at this point!?!?! I did really like him, and I really don't like just giving up without knowing.

[nutbrownhare]

How long were you actually "together"? It's a little difficult to discern from your initial post. If it was less than six weeks, just let it go.

 

For future reference, maybe think about the following:

 

- If you're scared that you're not close enough to have a conversation about a relationship with a guy, assume you're not close enough to have sex either.

 

- Don't assume that another person expresses themselves in the way that you do. They may not.

 

- I'm not talking about first date stuff, but if you've been seeing someone for a while, everything's going very well - and discussing whether or not you're in a relationship pushes the other person away, then it wasn't meant to be.

 

- Maybe you need to build up the courage to be vulnerable with appropriate people... it can be tempting to let things hang because if you start to question what's going on, the other person may run. However, it's a lack of faith, both that you deserve something worthwhile and in the other person's good will. Telling people you're not looking for a relationship keeps you feeling safe, both in the sense that you can't be rejected because you weren't looking for it in the first place, and because you won't be 'scaring guys off'. But it's an illusion. While someone coming over as really desperate is a monumental turnoff, there is a happy medium. I used to make a big noise about not wanting to get married and, surprise surprise, I was very attractive to total commitment-phobes... so think about how strongly you're emphasising the 'not wanting a relationship' message. Especially when, actually, you do.

 

I'm certainly not being critical - it's something I struggled with for years, all the way from not wanting to appear needy, risking rejection and approaching mutual friends about what's going on in someone's life rather than asking them directly!

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with this. I think he was operating under the fwb assumption and thought he could drop off the radar at any time. If a guy says he's not looking for a relationship BELIEVE HIM no matter how much he compliments you, no matter how much he calls, no matter how the sex is. Unless you two have a conversation talking about commitment, then it's not there. And I see that lack of commitment in his silence on the subject.

 

I would not sleep with anyone without being in a relationship.

 

But it was still wrong of him to disappear without saying anything to you.

[dasilver]

I absolutely love this.....

[dasilver]

 

But a girl can't just go around telling every guy she hangs out with a few times that she is looking for a relationship.

 

Why not? I do....

 

If they run, they just saved me a whole lot of heart ache, pain,crying,sadness, let downs and disappointment....They did me a favor......and i only have one heart.

[Sportster2005]

FWBs have become the new free hookers! It is greatly to the advantage of men who want sex but don't want to be responsible to or have a relationship with the woman involved or to pay for regular sex. So next time just say no to any man who makes a big point of saying they don't want a relationship or want to stay single. Men who are interested in just sex and a little fun will see you and have sex with you, but only up until the point they find someone they like better or your start to take it too seriously and start to put demands or expectations of any kind onto them.

 

Are you insinuating this is a male only modus operandi? If so, it is not accurate.

[ohboo]

 

But a girl can't just go around telling every guy she hangs out with a few times that she is looking for a relationship.

 

Why not? I do....

 

If they run, they just saved me a whole lot of heart ache, pain,crying,sadness, let downs and disappointment....They did me a favor......and i only have one heart.

 

 

Hmm... maybe I should try that approach! I was just under the impression (from past experiences) that men run if you say you are looking for a relationship. I find lately, that men make assumptions about women early on in dating. They assume if they agree to be in a relationship, that the woman is going to fall madly in love with them and want to marry them and have their babies. I'm pretty sure that's what makes them run when the relationship conversation comes up lol. I'm in my early 30's, and I do not remember dating being this complicated when I was in my early 20's. Back then, I'd tell a guy if I liked them, and we'd start dating if he felt the same. End of story. If it didn't work out, it didn't work out. Now though, I find if I hang out a few times with a guy, they immediately start asking what I'm looking for, and every single one always says 'i'm not looking for a serious relationship right now, I'm not sure what I want'. I just figure it's a defence thing so if it doesn't work out after a bit, they can bail and say 'well i told you I wasn't looking for a relationship'. (and yes, I believe women do that as well, I'm not saying it's just men, I'm just saying lately in my experiences I've been noticing a lot more of this than I did in my early 20's). I just don't remember it being this complicated or having to cover up my feelings or what I'm looking for. So maybe, dasilver, you are onto something. Maybe I should say well I am looking for a relationship, when they say that, and see how that works out. I've got nothing to lose at this point! lol

[nutbrownhare]

This is an interesting one, isn't it? As we get older, I guess we meet more and more people who have problems around sustaining relationships because, by definition, they're more likely to be single/apparently available. So in our 20's there are likely to be more people who would be good relationship material but haven't found the right person yet, and are still dating, and as time goes on these will have found someone and will no longer be 'on the market'. This does not mean AT ALL that someone single over the age of 30 isn't capable of having a loving relationship, though. Being honest about your hopes will weed out the people who aren't really available, and sow the seeds for something more durable with those who are.

 

I've also had the experience of being completely open about not being ready for a relationship because I was too newly out of an old one, and needing time to heal, and telling a guy that if he was OK with that but would like someone to go out with from time to time - that would be great. But one guy in particular didn't take this on board at all..."I'm going to respect you. We've been out on several dates now, but I won't be insisting that you sleep with me..." and the only thing to do from my point of view was not to see him again. On any basis whatsoever. At that time, I found it was very helpful to state what I could and could not offer... what usually happened was that some guys disappeared immediately, others became good friends and still are.

 

It's really important to be honest if you want a relationship. Otherwise, you don't stand a chance of feeling accepted by another person - because you've already rejected yourself.

[ohboo]

Maybe I should've told him that I'd become more interested in a relationship and commitment. To be honest, I was going to talk to him about it after my trip, but I never saw him again. I was going to wait until I got back, see how things were, then see if I wanted something more and talk to him about it. But, alas, never got the chance.

 

In your guys opinion, is there any point in contacting him at all? Normally, if it were just some random guy I'd met, I would just walk away and leave it. But this guy and I were friends for a year, and we do have friends in common. So it's bothering me more, and hurts me more than I thought it would.

[dasilver]

mexicanjammer,

 

Didn't he say he has been behaving this way because he wants to break up with you?

 

He doesn't want to be with you anymore and is easing his way out.

 

Why do you want to contact him?

[ohboo]

mexicanjammer,

 

Didn't he say he has been behaving this way because he wants to break up with you?

 

He doesn't want to be with you anymore and is easing his way out.

 

Why do you want to contact him?

 

No. I haven't spoken to him at all. The last time we spoke he called me and everything was as normal. He was even talking about the next time we hang out. I think you might be mixing me up with someone else lol. Him and I never had a breakup talk of any sort. Up until he disappeared he was still acting normal. I have absolutely no idea why he left... I just assume he went back to his ex.

[dasilver]

No. I haven't spoken to him at all. The last time we spoke he called me and everything was as normal. He was even talking about the next time we hang out. I think you might be mixing me up with someone else lol. Him and I never had a breakup talk of any sort. Up until he disappeared he was still acting normal. I have absolutely no idea why he left... I just assume he went back to his ex.

 

Ohhhh...yeah that's right....My bad mexicanjammer...

 

I remember...

 

So you haven't heard anything from him?

 

Why don't you contact him?

 

You might as well...