BF proposed to me but....

[Fudgie]

Materialism about the ring aside, I don't think this guy is ready. At his age, he shouldn't be just living at home, imo.

 

What concerns me the MOST too is his "strong and weird" bond with his family. If you married him, you'd be dealing with that. Talk about crazy in-laws who are unable to let him go. it WILL happen, trust me. Families like this are very difficult and awful to marry into.

[Lonewing]

Him : Why you're like this? Being controlling again.

 

That's why every time I tells him my needs, he always feels like I'm trying to control him and he resents me for that. It's so hard to talk to him because he never listens. He wants me to let him handle it, he wants me to be patient and wait for him, but I can't....I just can't. I'm terrified of that "uncertainty". I think my options are either to fight my fear of that "uncertainty" and be serene--let everything to God's hands and let God show the way, or to leave him for good...

 

definitely a tough nut to crack...well, time to get out the slingshot... I think he's too torn between two rocks to make any serious waves in either direction. At least, not until his hand is moved.

 

You mentioned you've broken up before. You're on a time table, he's on a "what if." Best of luck...

[lovinggirl]

No. I think if you're going to break up, then you should do it properly, and in person. Something like, "I love you, I want to be your wife, but it is clear to me that you do not want me to be your wife. So I am going to move on with my life. Goodbye."

 

Believe me Annie, I've tried. Did I tell you he's a debate champion in high school? Every time I did that, either on the phone or in person. He talked to me and made sense of everything. I couldn't say "I love you" then break up with him, I did that before and he said, "You don't love somebody and leave that person." And he would quote some songs or movies, or some famous quotes. He's really a sweet talker....

So if I made up my mind, no need to do it properly. Just give him a short notice by text, then change number.

[lovinggirl]

Materialism about the ring aside, I don't think this guy is ready. At his age, he shouldn't be just living at home, imo.

 

What concerns me the MOST too is his "strong and weird" bond with his family. If you married him, you'd be dealing with that. Talk about crazy in-laws who are unable to let him go. it WILL happen, trust me. Families like this are very difficult and awful to marry into.

 

Yes I'm planning to forget about a ring. I know my bf, he's very calculative with his money. If he can get away from buying me a ring, he would. I still love him even though no ring. I just never thought I'm the 'woman' who don't get a diamond ring from my husband. Do you think it's lame if I go to jewelry store and try rings on to get that feeling? LoL....

[poetryandlyrics]

Believe me Annie, I've tried. Did I tell you he's a debate champion in high school? Every time I did that, either on the phone or in person. He talked to me and made sense of everything. I couldn't say "I love you" then break up with him, I did that before and he said, "You don't love somebody and leave that person." And he would quote some songs or movies, or some famous quotes. He's really a sweet talker....

So if I made up my mind, no need to do it properly. Just give him a short notice by text, then change number.

 

That's because you're not standing your ground. If you were, you'd just ignore his comments and simply reply, "I'm sorry, but this is the way it is." or something like that.

 

People do leave the ones they love because the relationship is unhealthy (as he is making it so by making his mother a pirority) or because of incompabilities.

[annie24]

I agree. You have to stand your ground.

 

One way to do this is to actually write up on a piece of paper and present it to him of what you think is a reasonable amount of time to get things going. My bosses have made me do something similar in the past, especially if they think I'm slacking, lol. Something like:

 

By July 31st: we announce our engagement to your parents.

By Sept 1: we decide on a date to meet my parents in my home country and announce our engagement. We will buy tickets to see them as our work schedules allow.

By Oct 1: we decide on our wedding date and narrow down a list of venues.

By Dec 1: we have booked a church, hall, and made major preparations for the wedding.

By July 2013: we are married and have moved in together.

 

Now, to me, thus timeline is reasonable given your ages. If he wants to push back some of those dates, ok, but by no more than 60 days. If a goal has not been met by a date, you are breaking up and moving on.

 

You know, he can't give you fuzzy "soon" answers anymore. It's time for action.

 

Ps - his proposal to buy you a ring by December 25, 2012 unimportant. That's just a ring. You need to see forward motion towards marriage planning.

[annie24]

Believe me Annie, I've tried. Did I tell you he's a debate champion in high school? Every time I did that, either on the phone or in person. He talked to me and made sense of everything. I couldn't say "I love you" then break up with him, I did that before and he said, "You don't love somebody and leave that person." And he would quote some songs or movies, or some famous quotes. He's really a sweet talker....

So if I made up my mind, no need to do it properly. Just give him a short notice by text, then change number.

 

Your counter argument is, "if you love a woman, you want to marry her as soon as possible. And you do not hide her from your parents."

 

I was on debate team too

[Lonewing]

This is a very nice schedule. Very well framed.

[lovinggirl]

Your counter argument is, "if you love a woman, you want to marry her as soon as possible. And you do not hide her from your parents."

 

I was on debate team too

 

No wonder! Thank you Annie for your advice. When I see him this weekend, I will discuss this with him about the timeline. How to make it sound it's not too controlling?

[lovinggirl]

Also, what if he doesn't want a timeline? My first reaction would be soooo mad and start to threaten him with "break up" etc. I want to find another way, something more mature and really "get" to him. Whenever I was mad, he would be, "There she is...starting to get angry when she doesn't get her way." after that he would withdraw...I hate when he does that.

[abitbroken]

Also, what if he doesn't want a timeline? My first reaction would be soooo mad and start to threaten him with "break up" etc. I want to find another way, something more mature and really "get" to him. Whenever I was mad, he would be, "There she is...starting to get angry when she doesn't get her way." after that he would withdraw...I hate when he does that.

 

Well - if you get upset because you are at the breaking point and you are speaking your mind truly and sincerely about something, if he tells you you are controlling or not "getting your way" than what kind of relationship do you have? Does he expect you to just smile?

 

I think that at this point - you need to again, really decide on whether you REALLY want to be with this guy for life. So if he says okay to your timeline BUT his mother is still controlling his money, BUT you only see him a couple hours once a week BUT he dismisses you when you are speaking your mind, BUT he expects you to live with mom and dad forever, etc, would you marry him?? I think that's the one part that is missing here.

 

If you are walking on egg shells worrying if he will think you are too controlling, can you guys really communicate???

 

I would also say - why did you ask to marry me if you are not even ready to be engaged??

[annie24]

Also, what if he doesn't want a timeline? My first reaction would be soooo mad and start to threaten him with "break up" etc. I want to find another way, something more mature and really "get" to him. Whenever I was mad, he would be, "There she is...starting to get angry when she doesn't get her way." after that he would withdraw...I hate when he does that.

 

in addition to what abitbroken said, remember that you are 50% of the relationship here, so your desires get a real voice. and guess what, you have a real timeline here, like it or not. A woman's fertility drops greatly after 35. So either he, your bf of 5 years and now fiance, marries you soon, or you need to break up so you can find a new man. Because if you and he marry next year, you'll be 32, and then 33 before your first child (if you get pregnant right away). And if you want more than one kid.... you've already waited for 5 years, how much longer can you really wait on a man who is stalling if you want biological children?

 

that's why there is the need for a time line, whether he likes it or not. and if he does not want a time line - then he should not have proposed, and you need to break up and find a new man. you just have to tell him, because as he told you, that was the "real proposal" (ring or not!) and that means that now it is time to start planning the wedding and your lives together, and all that entails, and if he is not ready to start taking those steps IMMEDIATELY (not "soon" and not "December 25"), then it is time to break the engagement, and move on.

 

like i told you, about my friend - whose bf of 3 years proposed but then was hesitant to set a date. she was smart. she said, "an engagement is not an extended dating period. i'm not going to date you anymore. we're either getting married, or we are not." so she left. and like i said, she is much happier now. she loved him so much, she wanted to marry him, but you can't force someone who doesn't want to get married.

 

ok, he has his needs, and you have yours. your needs are not "controlling" nor are they "selfish." they are your needs and dreams and desires. And if he tells you you are selfish and controlling, then you say, "ok - I am obviously not the right woman for you. let's break up, and then you can find a woman you won't find controlling. and i will find a man who will marry me, ASAP."

[lovinggirl]

You're right abitbroken. I will speak up and talk to him seriously this weekend.

[annie24]

You're right abitbroken. I will speak up and talk to him seriously this weekend.

 

 

in person.... right?????

[lovinggirl]

I'm curious about your friend Annie. Is she happier because she found a new guy? Does she think about the "what if" part?

[annie24]

I'm curious about your friend Annie. Is she happier because she found a new guy? Does she think about the "what if" part?

 

I don't know - She lives accross the country so I do not talk to her very often. I see facebook photos of her and she looks very happy. I'll probably see her in a few months, so I'll ask. I don't know if she has a new man, but I can tell you, she's better off. Because although this guy proposed, with a gorgeous diamond ring, when push came to shove, he didn't want to talk about the wedding, even though they had a beautiful engagement party. After 1 year, she broke up, and now she can meet (if she hasn't already met) her future husband. She has high enough self esteem to know she is worth a man who loves her and wants to marry her.

 

Do you know the saying, "poop or get off the pot?" yeah, that's what you need to say to your "fiance."

[lovinggirl]

Annie, Abitbroken, can you help me with my scenario?

 

Me : Babe, remember when you said that you mean it when you proposed to me right? I know we talked about we can't plan the wedding without your parents blessing and you don't know when your parents are going to bless us because they can't be pressured. And with my parents, they will only bless us if you come to ask them in person. What do you think if we plan how to get both our parents blessing and wedding?

 

Him : (hesitant and giving excuses) I'm working on my parents. I can feel that they're getting used of the idea already. If I keep asking them, they will feel pressure, they're not going to be happy about it. You know my parents, they're older generation, they don't like to be told. You know I love you and I want us to get married but please be patient.

 

Me : I need something to look forward to. If you're not sure when you can get your parents blessing, (this is the part where I really don't know what to say anymore....please help)

[annie24]

Me I am so happy you proposed to me. I cannot wait to be your wife and start our lives together.[/b] I know we talked about we can't plan the wedding without your parents blessing. Thus, it is imperative that we announce our intent to marry to them soon and get their blessing. And if they do not give us their blessing, we have to decide whether to go ahead and get married against their wishes, or if we should break up. And with my parents, they will only bless us if you come to ask them in person. And again, if they say no, shall we get married against their wishes, or shall we break up? We need to decide ASAP. Afterall, that is why you proposed marriage to me - so we can get married.

 

Him : (hesitant and giving excuses) I'm working on my parents. I can feel that they're getting used of the idea already. If I keep asking them, they will feel pressure, they're not going to be happy about it. You know my parents, they're older generation, they don't like to be told. You know I love you and I want us to get married but please be patient.

 

Me I need to have a real timeline, we have been dating for 5 years, we're not young anymore. The time is now. [/b]If you're not sure when you can get your parents blessing, then you need to decide what is more important to you - abiding by your parents wishes, or being my husband. If you choose your parents, then we are through. If you choose me, then I will stand by your side forever. Even if your parents don't love me now, they will soften once the children come.

[Batya33]

I would say "I'm not comfortable with your decision to marry me being so dependent on your parents' approval. I need to know how long you think it will take before you're ready to be engaged to me and plan a wedding. I'm uncomfortable with the answer being "it depends on my parents" -I need to see that you want to marry me and are capable of deciding when you think you will be ready".

[lovinggirl]

Thank you Annie, Batya! I need to memorize this and be prepared, and change some words (to my ESL level) so it won't look like I got it from someone else! I bet he would ask me, "Who did you talk to?"

 

What if he said, "I know my parents. They will give us the blessings. It just a matter of time. Please have faith and their blessings will come soon or later."

 

and usually I would be inpatient and bring up the age thing :

Me : Yes, but when? A few months? A few years? We're not young anymore!

Him : I'm very aware of that. I hope it's not few years, hopefully in few months. Please just give me some time.

 

That's him. Never give exact date. Basically he can't make a decision. I need to find some words that make him finally decide on the time, not only, "soon" or "few months", "some time".

[annie24]

Remember - you have a say too. it's not all on him. you can decide if you do not have their blessing by x date, you are walking away, with or without his permission. Whether it's July 31 or September 1 or whatever, if it's going to be much longer than that, then forget it. He's had 5 years to get his parents' permission on you. He proposed to you. It's time to get into action or break it off.

 

Him : I'm very aware of that. I hope it's not few years, hopefully in few months. Please just give me some time.

 

You: I will give you 1 more month, but if we have not announced our engagement to your parents by then, I am breaking up for good. I've given you 5 years. I've been patient enough. Why would you propose if you are not ready to marry, ASAP?

[poetryandlyrics]

If he still urges to wait for his parents' permission, you need to be firm. Say like: "That's not what I'm saying. I'm asking when to announce our engagement in order to find their blessing to see how we can go from here. If you prefer to make your parents a pirority to just to wait, then having a marriage and a life with me is not your pirority." if he still spins like an old record, that's when you know it's a dead end with him.

[annie24]

^^ I agree.

 

Your other option is to say something like this: You proposed to me without a ring, without asking for your parents' blessing, and without asking for my parents' blessing. This was not a real proposal. I have a strong desire to be married and have children, and if you are not ready for that, I think we should cancel our engagement and casually see each other. In the meantime, I will start actively looking for other men who are ready to get married - I'll join a dating site and if I meet a man while out and about, and he asks me out, I will say yes.

If you decide you are ready to marry, if you get your parents' blessing, and my parents' blessing and you have a ring, then I will consider your proposal. If I haven't already met someone by then.

 

 

This might get a real reaction out of him. I'm not saying this to play games, but if you aren't ready to walk away from him for good, your other option is to start dating other men (actively!!!) until this one gets his act together, or you meet a man you like even better.

[DN]

It's never a good idea to try to pressure a man into marriage, especially in an acrimonious way, it is sure to backfire. Simply say that if he can't commit you are going to leave. That isn't pressure, it is stating a position and leaving the decision up to him.

[abitbroken]

I think the argument of "we are not getting any younger" or fertility should not be used. It is better to have fertility treatment with the man of your dreams who is crazy about you and can't wait to start a life with you than a guy that is dragging his feet, and can't even spend his own money. Or a relationship that is rocky. It is attractive to say that to get a fire under him if he wants kids, too, but the other issues are bigger.

 

I really really think that you need to absolutely 150% need to not gloss over what I said before: Can you have a happy life living WITH his parents, etc. In the several hours a week that you see him, you see him only at his very best. Do you know him well enough and really how he is day to day under that arrangement? YOu might think no problem - we will get a place of our own when me marry - but are you the only person in this relationship thinking that way? He seems to think that you will move in with his folks.

 

Decide those things first before you give him more conditions. This way, you will know the outcome that is best for you. Once you are officially engaged there might be a lot of assuming and no time to negotiate this stuff and when you are married - it is more set in stone if he assumes nothing less of you than doing what he wants or what mom wants.