BF proposed to me but....

[annie24]

no. i think you lower yourself by staying with a man who is not serious about marrying you.

 

and again, this isn't about having a fabulous rock, you can get a cheap ring from Walmart for all I care. but rather, that he's putting things into motion to make you his wife....

[lovinggirl]

no. i think you lower yourself by staying with a man who is not serious about marrying you.

 

and again, this isn't about having a fabulous rock, you can get a cheap ring from Walmart for all I care. but rather, that he's putting things into motion to make you his wife....

 

Thanks Annie, I'll try to talk to him again, maybe we can look around online first and decide together.

[abitbroken]

I agree...I'm tired 'demanding' for the ring. The more demanding I am, the more I lower myself. I think I'm worth it with or without a ring. I can really picture myself grow old with him. I think there's nothing I can do now but waiting for him.

 

Then you need to tell him that a ring doesn't matter - its the marriage that matters. The other important matter is if you are announcing your engagement together, or are you in the state of a do-over and keeping it to yourself?

 

But really - ask yourself - are you really okay with living with his parents are you hoping to change him?

[annie24]

I agree...I'm tired 'demanding' for the ring. The more demanding I am, the more I lower myself. I think I'm worth it with or without a ring. I can really picture myself grow old with him. I think there's nothing I can do now but waiting for him.

 

So you can announce the engagement to your family without the ring?

[lovinggirl]

Then you need to tell him that a ring doesn't matter - its the marriage that matters. The other important matter is if you are announcing your engagement together, or are you in the state of a do-over and keeping it to yourself?

 

But really - ask yourself - are you really okay with living with his parents are you hoping to change him?

 

There's no do-over, I asked him if he's going to ask me again when he has the ring, he said he won't.

We have to announce our engagement, otherwise I'd be so mad at him, but of course I'll wait for the ring first. I did tell some of my best friends--because they asked and I couldn't lie to them, their first reaction was looking at my finger! And I told them, "Oh yeah, he's still looking for the perfect ring." some of them just shook their head, some of them were really supporting and ask me to be patient and wait.

 

Living with his parents is like 50/50 for me. I do it because I love him. I'm not hoping to change him, I'm hoping his parents can't stand live with us, and finally ask us to move out LoL...

[lovinggirl]

So you can announce the engagement to your family without the ring?

 

On my side, I probably would announce it in a couple weeks with or without a ring. Luckily in Asian culture, there's no engagement ring tradition. Usually the guy's family need to "ask" the girl's family if they can marry thus bring the girl to their home. (That's why in Asian, marriage means girl move into guy's family). Then they can exchange ring or just go plan the wedding.

[annie24]

Now that he has confirmed that proposal was official, how long do you think it is reasonable to go without a ring? And if there is no engagement ring, will you be able to step up and announce your engagement anyway to family and friends?

 

Has he told his parents yet?

[lovinggirl]

Now that he has confirmed that proposal was official, how long do you think it is reasonable to go without a ring? And if there is no engagement ring, will you be able to step up and announce your engagement anyway to family and friends?

 

Has he told his parents yet?

 

That's a question I need to ask for your and other ENAs opinion. I'd give him 1-2 months, what do you think?

 

No, he hasn't told his parents yet. We're not going to have this situation if his parents approve us and love me. His mom seriously has issue with LETTING GO. I don't think she's going to give her approval easily.

[annie24]

If parental approval is so important to him, why did he not ask permission to propose to you from his parents first? What it they say no? Is the marriage off? Will you two elope? I think the ring is a secondary issue, but if, as he said, that was the official marriage proposal.... Then it's time to officially tell the parents. That's my logic anyway.

[Batya33]

If he's not ready to tell his parents and if their disapproval would mean no marriage then I wouldn't consider this an official engagement. He's basically told you he'd like to marry you under certain conditions.

[Lonewing]

You may be the woman who finally "grows him up"...it'll be good for him. Do be firm about what you can and can't tolerate.

[annie24]

I realize that this is none of my business so you don't need to answer me. but i'm kind of curious about his finances and if you're going to be his wife, you should know what is up too. The average dentist makes about $142,000 a year, according to google. The range is about $110,000-190,000 a year. I guess that depends on where you live. If he's making $142,000 a year, and he lives with his parents, but he doesn't have $4000 in a savings account to buy you a ring today ...... just where is his money going? Especially if you consider the conventional wisdom, at least in the US, is that an engagement ring should be 2 months' salary.... which for him is about $24,000. Now, I'm not saying he needs to buy you a $24,000 ring. but between the lack of ring, and the 5% tip at restaurants, where, exactly, does he spend his money??

[abitbroken]

That's another problem, my parents don't approve us either. Because my mom hates the way he had treated me. But I don't live with my parents and my parents are back in Asia. I was thinking if we get engaged (with a ring!), I can finally tell my parents about us. I know my parents can't do anything if I told them I love him. With him it's a different story, I doubt he would stand up for me if his parents get in the way.

 

How did he treat you? Did you blab to your mom about the ring thing? Or is it something else?

 

Okay, this may sound harsh -- but this is my take right now...so excuse my bluntness...

 

I think that its not healthy going into a marriage with lies and secrets. You are hiding him from your parents, yet expect him to declare his love to the world. He is not wanting to marry you unless his parents approve of you, so that there is no major friction and you can have a happy marriage (and if your parents know you, and you are still in the picture then they are probably more likely to approve but if they are traditional may want to talk to your parents, right?_) But you are out and out going out of your way to deceive your parents and say "okay, you can't do anything about it now!"

 

Did you ever try to soften things with your folks, to stop complaining to them about him, or to prove that he treats you right now, by even him making the gesture of visiting them or even sharing news with them about how good he is too you and everyone made mistakes?

 

I am beginning to think because you are both of similar culture, with traditional parents, that he is not hesitating and having false starts because he doesn't love you. If the way you were both raised is for the parents to approach the other parents, etc, there could be a feeling of "wait, i know our friends do things this way, but are we supposed to be doing differently?"

 

If you are following asian culture and are not revealing him to your parents so they can't disapprove and you are so hung up on their disapproval that you are hiding him instead of revealing him and telling them that you are in love and you are going against their will, then you can't really complain about him and his parents. He is being more careful with them because they are there. Your parents are not. You are both concerned with your parent's opinion in a major way but are expressing it differently. You expect him to follow the same behavior you are, and he won't. And maybe that is why you are upset.

 

I think you want the big engagement so you can drop the bomb on your folks that they have no choice rather than a "promise to marry" with no big fanfare that they can get into a snit about.

 

I think that if you are complaining that he can't grow up, you are just as guilty - otherwise as a strong, mature and confident woman you would have told your mom and dad a LONG time ago "I am dating a wonderful man. He makes me happy and he respects me. He has a good job and honors his parents. I know you objected at first, but he has changed. Mom, dad, I hope you can be happy for me." And then let them eventually come around and mention periodically the nice thing he did, or how successful he is. But you chose to treat the relationship like you are dating an armed robber and must hide it.

 

So, are you ready to be honest? To your folks, but to yourself too. Are you going to tell him to leave his folks at the curb just because thats the way you feel about yours? Are you going to be honest if you can't see yourself living with them or are you going to keep it to yourself and let it grow into animosity? I would say lay off on the rng - if he feely gives it, accept it, but don't push him into getting a ring if you haven't thought about this stuff.

[abitbroken]

Especially if you consider the conventional wisdom, at least in the US, is that an engagement ring should be 2 months' salary..

 

a myth that keeps jewelers in business and it is what they advertised. - it is NOT something that should be strived to. An emergency fund for the new couple and a more modest ring are more like it in today's age.

[DN]

I proposed to my wife without a ring and we went to choose it together later. But then we were focused on the marriage and spending the rest of our lives together. If she had complained about there being no ring the proposal would have been immediately rescinded.

[annie24]

Especially if you consider the conventional wisdom, at least in the US, is that an engagement ring should be 2 months' salary..

 

a myth that keeps jewelers in business and it is what they advertised. - it is NOT something that should be strived to. An emergency fund for the new couple and a more modest ring are more like it in today's age.

 

I do agree that it's wacky to spend so much money on a ring if the couple doesn't have their other basics paid for (and yes, it's how jewelers stay in business!).... $24K is like a down-payment on a house. But I'm just wondering why a 41 year old dentist who lives with this parents and makes roughly $12,000 a month needs to "save up" for a $2-4K ring? His story is bunk. Unless he has gambling debts or student loans up the wazoo....

 

I agree that it's time to come clean to both sets of parents.... that is.... if they are serious about getting married.

[abitbroken]

I disagree. My bf makes decent money but never allocated money towards a ring. There is money he saves up for retirement, for an emergency fund, an account for medical expense, etc, and a safety net in case his business goes under. that he has been doing before i was even in the picture. Most guys don't save for a ring the second they meet someone. For a ring, it would be my bf's mad money or walking around money that he would be putting aside for it and it would take time. If your boyfriend is 40ish, old habits die hard and he might also support his folks somewhat. It is romantic to think that he will just instantly pull money out from somewhere. but guys don't think like that always.

 

I think the bigger issue is the personal stuff, not the ring.

[Batya33]

"only 2-4k for a ring?" I would think the word "only" perhaps belongs with "only $20-40 for a ring" considering that most date nights at least cost that much if you go out for dinner or even just a movie and dessert/coffee. We all have our limits but I think it's unfair for you to expect a 10k ring from this guy -what I think is that you're using the amount of money he is willing to spend as a way to distract yourself from the real, serious issues you have in your relationship when it comes to agreeing on what the next step(s) is. I love my engagement ring - I always have. I get it, I can relate, at how nice it is to wear an engagement ring. It pales in comparison to how important it is to love each other and the commitment you are making. Focus on that, ok?

[annie24]

I disagree. My bf makes decent money but never allocated money towards a ring. There is money he saves up for retirement, for an emergency fund, an account for medical expense, etc, and a safety net in case his business goes under. that he has been doing before i was even in the picture. Most guys don't save for a ring the second they meet someone. For a ring, it would be my bf's mad money or walking around money that he would be putting aside for it and it would take time. If your boyfriend is 40ish, old habits die hard and he might also support his folks somewhat. It is romantic to think that he will just instantly pull money out from somewhere. but guys don't think like that always.

 

I think the bigger issue is the personal stuff, not the ring.

 

meh, i still don't buy it. the OP and her bf have been dating for 4 years. Even if he gets her a $4,000 ring, that's not even 2 weeks of his salary. Unless he has some other debts/expenses/issues/student loans she hasn't stated, I think he easily has that kind of money in a "mad money" account. And he did find money to buy her a designer purse for her bday.

 

I do agree that the ring is secondary to the major issues in the relationship.

[camus154]

I'm with Annie here. It's one thing to say money and the ring don't matter, but there's a point where you have to admit this just doesn't add up.

 

Not to mention--ever hear of credit? I seriously doubt most ring-buyers plop down thousands of dollars in cash for their ring.

[Batya33]

I guess I'll modify my response to agree that it's a bit suspicious given what bday gifts he bought to claim he doesn't have a few thousand in his account or available on credit, but I don't think he's required to spend that amount on a ring.

[abitbroken]

We don't know - she could have asked for or hinted at the purse. So he put money aside and bought it. And maybe feelings overwhelmed him and he decided to ask her without a ring. We don't really know. But if everyone was 100% perfect in their relationship, she wouldn't care if the ring was now or later. Or if he put a stick of gum around her finger.

[camus154]

We don't know - she could have asked for or hinted at the purse. So he put money aside and bought it. And maybe feelings overwhelmed him and he decided to ask her without a ring. We don't really know. But if everyone was 100% perfect in their relationship, she wouldn't care if the ring was now or later. Or if he put a stick of gum around her finger.

 

I have to disagree respectfully. I feel like everyone's trying so hard to show how non-materialistic and idealistic they themselves are that they're refusing to use some good old common sense and call it like it is.

 

If money and the ring don't matter, then it might as well be a $19.95 ring from Costco, and every woman here would be proud and not the least bit embarrassed to flash that ring to her friends and family, right? Even if your fiance is a neurosurgeon, that wouldn't matter. And no one could ever, ever call him a cheapskate for buying that $19.95 ring even though he makes more than 3 middle class families combined because, hey, the money doesn't matter, right?

 

I don't buy it. Everything in its proper context. The whole point behind the 2 months' salary rule is symbolic. It's saying, the engagement ring is a symbol of your intention. You save up 2 months' worth of your hard-earned cash because that's how serious your intent is to marry this woman. It's not about the money, but it IS about the sacrifice--financial or otherwise--that you're willing to make for this symbol. That's why this rule is based on salary rather than some hard dollar amount. 2 months' worth whether you're a cashier or a dentist is roughly equivalent.

[abitbroken]

Yeah, you have a good point. Even a Ring Pop Sucker would suffice. I have the feeling though if he feels what he could give wasn't good enough, maybe she normally displays behavior about things never being up to par. But in my case, I'd be over the moon if my bf gave me a ring he carved out of wood, a Ring sucker, or even tied a string around my finger. But that's just me. I can't speak for them.

[Batya33]

I would not have liked being engaged without a ring. In this situation I think her focus on the ring is an excuse to herself to avoid focusing on the real issues. The real issue is that ring or no ring they're not engaged. He proposed but with major strings attached - what's the point of being engaged if he wouldn't be ready to marry her tomorrow (even if they both decided to delay to plan a party or to save some money, etc).