BF proposed to me but....

[lovinggirl]

Thank you all girls for all your advice...it's almost 6 AM in LA. I feel much better now after I vented on this forum. Need to sleep now I have birthday celebration with friends in couple of hours.

 

I know I love him but really mad at him now. But I think I just let it go and act nothing happened tonight.

[Batya33]

I'm the old fashioned type I guess who doesn't view an engagement as official without a ring and a wedding date (or, at least a "we're getting married in April" even though there's not a specific date). If my husband had proposed to me without a ring because he hadn't picked it out yet I would have been excited, happy and might have waited to tell everyone else once we had the ring. I should add though that I would have made it very clear before the proposal that I didn't expect a ring outside of his budget so your situation likely would not have happened. I would not want an engagement delayed because he couldn't afford a ring because we would have found another way (i.e. my chipping in for it or using a family ring for the time being). I would have focused on his and my emotions and the look on his face and in his eyes. Once again I do agree that it's not "official" without a ring but that doesn't mean you get mad at the person who's proposing.

 

You have plenty of time to share the news with your friends and family, right?

[lovinggirl]

I agree with you. Honestly, if he didn't propose tonight, I might be as disappointed as I am now. And I think I'm not willing to wait for another year, but really don't know how to tell him my expectation without sounding "controlling" and "giving him ultimatum".

 

Problem with my bf is, he's been controlled by his parents so long, so the only to escape is by telling lies. I hate when he lies to me, but I think he lies because he feels like I'm too controlling and he's not able to say 'No' to me.

[android]

No offence on this comment... I think you should ask him to find a better girl who he deserves to be with. This is not to insult you. Remember there are only a few lucky people who get loved truly. Dont waste that thinking and getting humiliated on something lame, after all he did so much to make you feel special. You need to go apologize to him and go get urself a life!

[SapphireNoir10]

I would be dissapointed with no ring. If your going to propose its meanna be a once in a lifetime thing, but you should have given him the time to do it how he wanted and in his timescale then you may have got the ring.

 

It isn't bad to want a ring, mines not expensive but to me its the symbol of being engaged and looking down at it and remembering the moment he asked me.

[FYI]

I don't know your relationship as well as you do, but what I do know is that at 41 years old and still living at home with mom talking about marriage and having you move in? Epic fail. I don't think that sounds like a very healthy practice and I wouldn't encourage that. Personally I'm very traditional about the thought of an engagemet being with a ring, I've never heard of someone proposing without one before. Right, wrong or indifferent, I can understand why you felt kind of shot down when he proposed and didn't present a ring. But, I do think that you acted really out of character with all the "you ruined my birthday," and that you felt "embarrassed" and "humilated". I think you went too far with the insults, calling him cheap and things like that. Not really a nice way to talk to your other half. Your feelings were hurt out of disappointment and his because of your insults and antagonizing comments.

 

I still think that the more important issue (way more important than a ring) is the fact that he's 41 years old and still living at home with his mother. Now, is there something else going on that we don't know about. Misfortune strikes, I'm aware of that. Meaning that I might not be so critical of him living at home if he lost his job to the economy, house caught on fire, illness, those kind of things are understandable and they happen. How long have you two been together?

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's a whole lot more to engagement to successful marriage than it is a shiny gold or sterling silver ring. Even if he did have a ring to give to you that night, there's still a lot of turmoil in this relationship. And I get this feeling that you both are under the assumption that this engagement is going to "fix" the problems that are already there. Or that when you get married the problems will suddenly disappear, but those problems will still be there. So, I understand that you really had your heart set on this ring, but what you really need to have your heart set on is whether this relationship has enough.... nutrients to really prosper. Right now, it doesn't sound like it does. It sounds like a false reality by two people who are in love with love itself and are not very in tune to what's happening around them. If you really love this guy and want this relationship than you two need to come together and figure out how to get yourselves on the right track. Do this BEFORE you get married.

 

Good luck.

[annie24]

What pisses me off is that he found the time and money to buy you a designer purse but not an e ring. It feels like he "proposed" to follow through on a promise to propose on your birthday but does that mean its real??? Hm. I think you guys have far larger issues here. I wish you guys would confront them rather than sweeping them under the rug.

[pippy longstocking]

I apologise I didn't read the full story either and you just came accross as one high maintance bird ..

 

I do remember this man now, the dentist been controlled by mum ...I think you have a lot to think about here

[Lonewing]

Great things come in time to those who are patient.

 

Nuture and nourish...but don't go hungry.

 

It sounds to me like whatever plan he put together, it came together too late. But then, he's likely never actually planned something like this, and actually done it. Follow through is harder than it looks, for the inexperienced.

 

 

 

He has to learn that he can be honest with you. He can't be honest with his parents, because they "own" him. That can be changed.

 

He only leaves 5%? He can improve, but he's probably unaware he's undertipping, or why tipping is appropriate in the first place. People who have never worked service aren't always the most informed on such issues.

[ValGirl28]

Good luck with what you decide. When he asked you to move in with his parents and him.... a huge red flag. If you get married you dont want to live with someone. I know there are probably apartments out where you guys live that are affordable and in a good location.

 

I think you need to move on. If he is 41 and still is at home...one day without you in his life...he is going to be a very lonely person . You need to live a life with someone that makes you happy . One that you dont need to talk to a therapist about all the time.

[annie24]

to me, along with many of my friends, the engagement period is the time when you are actively planning your wedding and lives together. i had one friend, her bf of 3 years popped the question with a lovely ring. they had a beautiful engagement party, lots of gorgeous photos.... but after a year, she broke off the engagement and the relationship altogether. why? because, she told me later, when it came time to sit down and start planning the wedding (where, when, how...) he was evasive and kept putting it off. she finally confronted him and he admitted that to him, he thought of the engagement as an "extended dating period" and that he just wasn't completely sure yet. he hoped they could still date, but she called everything off. she's now happily single and back out there.

 

i kind of wonder too, with this half-assed proposal and statements like, "would you marry me..... if i asked?" i mean, blah. seriously?

 

did you guys have any kind of real conversation about concrete marriage issues? ie - i guess you are moving in with him and his mother. when is the move in date? are you going to get married in a church or city hall or destination wedding? big wedding or small wedding? summer wedding or winter wedding? if he is evasive about these issues in the next few weeks or months, i think you need to have a serious hard look at the events that happened. engagement ring or not.

[lovinggirl]

Great things come in time to those who are patient.

 

Nuture and nourish...but don't go hungry.

 

It sounds to me like whatever plan he put together, it came together too late. But then, he's likely never actually planned something like this, and actually done it. Follow through is harder than it looks, for the inexperienced.

 

 

 

He has to learn that he can be honest with you. He can't be honest with his parents, because they "own" him. That can be changed.

 

He only leaves 5%? He can improve, but he's probably unaware he's undertipping, or why tipping is appropriate in the first place. People who have never worked service aren't always the most informed on such issues.

 

OMG, are you my bf? Coz you really sound like him. I really don't understand the part 'He can't be honest with his parents because they "own" him'

It doesn't make sense at all.

 

And what do you mean by nurture and nourish but don't go hungry?

[abitbroken]

He asked if you got married, would you be okay living with his folks. You said yes. He asked you this before he proposed. He asked if he proposed would you say yes. You said yes to both. Now you are upset that you said "yes" more or less. Don't set yourself up for misery - speak up now.

 

I think you just want to get married and are willing to compromise a few things to do so.

 

I would have an honest convo with him. Talk to him. Say that you have been thinking about living with his folks and you have been thinking it might be good, especially when you are first married, to live by yourselves so that you can have some privacy as newlyweds and can establish yourselves as a couple. Then you would find out what his true hangups are whether he is afraid of mom and dad's health getting bad, the house is deeded to him or he just can't live any other way. I have know people that live with their folks but are eager to move in with their new spouse once married - but that is a little weird. Is he from a culture where that's normal?

 

I think the engagement period will tell you a lot about everything.

[lovinggirl]

Update :

Well, after a very disappointing Friday night, I called him on Sat morning because I didn't receive any text from him that morning. I asked if he's OK, he apologized to me for ruining the night, proposing without a ring. He said he kept thinking it'd probably better if he didn't ask at all. He said honest to God, he felt so bad that night he stayed up until 2.30 AM looking around for a ring, and he had to wake up at 7.30 for work.

Again, part of me still very upset, but part of me just felt so much love for him--especially after he said he stayed up late to look for a ring, which only God knows if it's the truth.

 

Sat night he came to see me again, we had a good time together, affectionate to each other. I couldn't stop kissing and touching him. I don't know why, when he looks tired from work (because he works on Sat) and he drove 40 miles to my place just to spend couple of hours to see me, my heart melts and I want to show him how much I love him by behaving very affectionate.

I asked him again while we're making out, if he meant to propose to me that night or he just did it because he felt forced to. He said he meant it and said he wants to give a nice ring, a ring that I'm going to be proud of. He said that he knows I don't mind about the value, but he JUST CAN'T give me a cheap ring because I'm going to wear it for the rest of my life.

 

I asked him a lot about budget, how much he could afford, what if I go with him and pick my own ring, and finally even suggested that he buy the ring at Costco. His reaction was, "You really want your ring come from Costco?", and I said "Why not? Costco has good quality engagement rings and they're good deal." He said he'd think about it.

 

That Saturday night, one of my GF wanted to celebrate my bday at the club at Downtown LA, my BF left around 10.30pm, I wasn't sure if the plan was on, so I didn't tell my bf anything. The plan was cancelled, on, cancelled and finally on again. So I called my bf asked him if I could go. First he said, "babe, you don't need to ask me if you can go or not." and I said, "Well, I want to ask you first if you're OK." He said it's late already but I can go if I want to. So I went. I had a feeling my bf wasn't totally OK, so I couldn't have a good time and very glad we left the club early. I text him as soon as I'm home, he text me once around 1 AM said he wants to take a shower and sleep, but when I got home around 2AM, I text him, and he replied, so he's not asleep at all.

 

What happened on Sunday night really bothers me. We talked on the phone and he asked about the clubbing thing etc. He said he didn't understand why I still went when I told him I was tired and didn't feel to go. I told him because my gf wanted to celebrate my bday and I felt bad if I said No. And we're back talking about ring again, this time he changed his mind again and again. He said he needs to save money, he doesn't have enough money, first he said soon, then he said he needs a few months, first he said he wants his parents approval, then he said no matter his parents approve or not he still get me a ring.

I asked him what kind of ring he thinks a "nice ring", he said around $2K-$4K. I said to him :

"Babe, when you said you need few months to save up, I really thought you want to buy me at least 10K ring. You know I have $4000 in my bank now."

What I was trying to tell him, the nice ring he wants it's not expensive at all, it's just an excuse for him to delay. Btw, he's a dentist and have his own clinic, so I don't think money is the issue at all, especially when it's only 2K-4K.

I was so upset and accusing him for not being serious at all.

 

I asked him, "so are we engaged or not?" he said, "in my heart, we're engaged." and I told him what's the difference between now and before? I reminded him, he asked me several times if I'd marry him before my bday. At least 2 times, in that case, what validates those words? I was so mad that I was talking about breaking up.

I told him I couldn't take it anymore, he's a sweet talker and I believed him, kept asking me to have faith, believe in him, but I didn't see any actions at all. Finally I said to him, "you depend on your parents so much, I don't think you're capable of being in relationship, I don't think you're capable of building your own family, I don't think you're capable of being a father." then he was silent....and he asked me, "so you think you're capable of being a good mother?" I asked him what he meant, he said, "because you judge me not capable of being a good father, I'm asking you if you're going to be a good mother?", and I said, "I think I will be a loving mother."

him : can you set a good example for your kids?

me : what do you mean?

him : you think wanting to go to the club is a good example for your kids?

me : OMG, i knew it. I knew you're still bothered that I went to the club last night. It's not my fault that you had to go home, it's not my fault that you're being controlled by your family and not able to go to the club.

him : Even if my parents allowed me to go, I wouldn't want to go. Why would I want to go if it's late and I'm tired? I'd rather stay home. Why go just to please your friends?

me : I told you, my gf wanted to celebrate my bday, yes I'm tired but I didn't have a heart to tell her that. If it makes you happy, I didn't have a good time last night. I swear to God, I didn't dance with other guys, I didn't flirt, I didn't do anything!

him : Yes, but you're wearing a sexy dress and guys at the club would gave you attention and girls flatter when guys do that.

me : I don't have to go to the club to get guys attention, you know that right?

 

Finally I understand what this is all about.

me : I think you never trust me, that's why you're hesitant to buy me a ring. You keep telling me your parents don't approve, I think you never even working on their approval. You keep asking me to be patient, I think it's you who want to wait and see, see if I'm a wife material, see if I'm faithful to you. On the other side, I don't trust you, I don't believe if you're serious with me and I need a 'ring' to validate that. Basically we just don't trust each other.

 

him : (he was silent) what should we do then?

 

me: I don't know, I think only time can tell. I just can't believe after all these years, you still think I keep looking around for a better guy. I don't have dual personalities. I love you and want to have a family with you, I don't want to be with anyone else. I'm willing to live with your parents, follow their rules, even I know it's going to be hard for myself. Even my friends and family warn me about that, but I'm willing to sacrifice, as long as we together.

 

He said sorry and kept telling he loved me so much. He brought up his doubts because at the beginning of our relationship. I wasn't completely closed to those guys who interested in me. Well, because I did want to feel that I'm still wanted and attractive, and I didn't think I cheated (exchanged texts and msn with guys who interested in me, nothing sexual!) but I learned now and I don't even make eye contact with any guys anymore.

 

He also said he's bothered I'm on facebook! Can you believe that? He hates facebook and he said anyone can see my profile and pictures on fb, and he thinks I put my profile on FB to get guys attention.

and I told him, "you know babe, I'm doing my best to show you I only want you and be with you. I think only time can tell."

 

I have peace of mind now, maybe because I'm pretty sure, he doesn't have bad intention--like playing around with me, he's just not sure if I'm not going to break his heart. Somewhat I feel, my fear is also his fear. I know he's worried if I leave him when things go bad. Like I said only time.

How fool I was to think "one ring" can solve my insecurity.

 

Thank you so much for reading. I'm going to be on ENA for a while as long as I'm still with him! LoL...

[lovinggirl]

Yeah, he said his parents both are very old (80 and 70 yrs old), and he concerns of their health and kept telling me, "my parents are not going to be around forever.", the house is deeded to him, and his parents are wealthy, have many properties, and I have a feeling that he's very obedient because he doesn't want to be left out from their will. He does tell me all the time to be patient with him and it's all gonna be worth it. I just hate the fact that my bf is so comfortable with his parents wealthiness that he would dumped me if his parents ask him (even though he said otherwise like he's willing to let all go if his parents are against us)

 

Yeah, that's what my therapist told me, in US it's not common. In Asia it's very common before but less and less people want to live with their in-laws now. my bf born and grew up in the US and very american, I guess his parents still follow the culture.

[lovinggirl]

Oh yeah, we talked about the wedding all the time. We know where we want to have it, it's spring wedding in 2013, our first dance songs, who our bridal party is, we fantasizing all of these. But the reality is, we're missing dots. The family involvement in our marriage and wedding is very crucial, we basically can't do anything without family support.

 

I feel bad for your friend, but she had a big courage to do that. I know engagement doesn't guarantee anything, even a wedding. My bf's older brother actually had a lavish wedding, paid by his parents. But the marriage lasted only 2 years. Guess what, the ex was living with his parents and didn't get along with his mom. I'm dreadful thinking about that, my bf said he's not his brother and I'm not his ex, still I'm so afraid our marriage would fail. Right now, I love him so much that I'm willing to sacrifice and I only hope for the best.

[annie24]

so maybe the next order of business is for you and him to announce to your parents your engagement....? do your parents live in the same city? can you do it over dinner?

[PetiteGirl]

Yeah, that's what my therapist told me, in US it's not common. In Asia it's very common before but less and less people want to live with their in-laws now. my bf born and grew up in the US and very american, I guess his parents still follow the culture.

 

Well that makes sense then. I was suspecting if they were since my family background is Asian. It also makes sense why you held onto this relationship for so long, and you're okay with your boyfriend treating you a certain way. I gotta say, you're either very brave or very foolish to be in a relationship with this man and his parents (yes, in a way you're dating them too since they "rule" their son). I know a lot of cases, if the parents don't approve of the boyfriend or girlfriend, they will push their child to break off the relationship. If you married into this family, I can guarantee you his parents will give you a hard time. It will only get worse until either you leave or they leave. Your boyfriend is 41, dictated by his parents all his life. He will not grow a backbone, and I'm sure you know that if his parents bully you, he'll not stand up for you. However, if this is what you're comfortable with, then I wish you the best.

[ValGirl28]

you have way too much drama in your life. If you are fighting this much now what makes you think it is going to get any better.

 

If he suggest the ring thing again tell him you want to go with him and pick it out with him. therefore , you will get what you like and he can stay within his budget...that would push the engagement issue. If he is serious he will be happy to take you to look at different rings. If he keeps giving you that same line of crap about wanting to find you the perfect one... then he is procrastinating...is he waiting for his parents to die or something?

[abitbroken]

Forget the ring for now - decide if you really want to spend the rest of your life with him? If the answer is "no" then be honest with him and break up with him rather than having a situation where he can't do right by you. If you do, then give him a little space on the ring thing - a little less pressure about the dollar value and go straight to wedding bands or decide what your priorities are on that.

[lovinggirl]

so maybe the next order of business is for you and him to announce to your parents your engagement....? do your parents live in the same city? can you do it over dinner?

 

That's another problem, my parents don't approve us either. Because my mom hates the way he had treated me. But I don't live with my parents and my parents are back in Asia. I was thinking if we get engaged (with a ring!), I can finally tell my parents about us. I know my parents can't do anything if I told them I love him. With him it's a different story, I doubt he would stand up for me if his parents get in the way.

[annie24]

well, if you are engaged you have to tell your parents. i mean, unless you guys are going to elope. but then the plan is to live with his parents, no?

 

if the ring is the issue, i suggest you two go shopping together, so you find something you both like, that is in his budget. go do that this weekend.

 

i guess this is how you're going to know if the engagement is real or not - is he putting the wedding plans into motion?

 

ok, your parents don't like him but if you like him and you want to marry him, what are your options? you can either tell your parents he is a great guy, they will see that as they get to know him.... or you can break up with him. i mean, that's it - those are your options. same goes for your guy. he either stands up to his parents and says, "too bad, lovinggirl is going to be my wife" or he does nothing and breaks up.

[annie24]

ps - if he doesn't stand up to his parents if they complain......... then this man is not your future husband and it's time to break up and move on.

[lovinggirl]

Forget the ring for now - decide if you really want to spend the rest of your life with him? If the answer is "no" then be honest with him and break up with him rather than having a situation where he can't do right by you. If you do, then give him a little space on the ring thing - a little less pressure about the dollar value and go straight to wedding bands or decide what your priorities are on that.

 

I agree...I'm tired 'demanding' for the ring. The more demanding I am, the more I lower myself. I think I'm worth it with or without a ring. I can really picture myself grow old with him. I think there's nothing I can do now but waiting for him.

[lovinggirl]

Do you think I lower myself if I told him, "Hey babe let's shop for the ring this weekend." ?