BF proposed to me but....

[lovinggirl]

Well, I'm a little bit embarrassed to tell my story, but I'm so confused right now and I love and hate my BF at the same time.

 

Last night was my bday, and as I said on my previous post, my bf has been giving hints about proposing to me. I doubted he would propose, because we're having so many problems lately and I could see that he's not ready because his parents don't approve us (yet).

 

Anyway, I prepared myself so I won't be so disappointed, I wanted to be grateful he's in my life, but of course I was still hoping a lot that he would propose because :

1. It would prove to me that he's serious and want to take us to the next step

2. He promised

 

The night went smooth, except I was being nervous and a little bit upset because he was 1 hour late (work, traffic, etc)! I was waiting anxiously for the proposal and didn't have any appetite that I barely ate my food.

 

When we finished our dinner he told me he couldn't wait to show me my present but asked about what perfume I like so I was losing hope, disappointed, but tried to hide it and kept telling myself, "it's okay, he's not ready, tonight is not the night, I should be grateful he's in my life..."

While waiting for the vallet, he looked nervous, we kissed and he kept telling me he loved me and I just smiled (because I still felt disappointed)

 

Suddenly he said, "Baby, would you marry me?" and then I think there's like 3 seconds pause he said, "If I asked you?" But just heard the first part, my heart was like stopping already. I was so happy and I kissed him and said, "yes baby, I would", and wondering why he said "would you" with "If I asked you"

 

So when we're in the car, we talked about light things but my mood changed, my hope was back, and when we got into our place, we made out in the car and he again asked me, "Baby I love you and you're the one for me, will you marry me?" I was so happy and I hugged him and I said yes. He said he wanted to give me my present, which I thought must been an engagement ring. So he went to his trunk, came back with a huge shopping bag.

He saw my reaction and said, "Ok, here's part 1, there's part 2." and I opened it, it's a branded purse. I thanked him and he kissed me again. I was waiting for the "part 2", and he said, "babe, part 2 is on the way ok."

I was so disappointed, my head was spinning, and I said, "babe, you're joking right?" and after that I can't remember clearly what our conversation because I was upset and mad at him. I remember kept telling him it's so embarrassing and I feel humiliated. His excuse was he's still looking for the right ring, he said he wants to give me a nice ring but it's not cheap, then I asked, "why did you propose then?" he said because he promised and he wanted to keep his promise. I was accusing him he didn't mean it. He asked me, "Is a ring really important to you? Some people do propose without a ring." and I said, "Yes babe, if it's spontaneous! You knew you were going to propose, so you planned not to have the ring. It's a big difference!"

 

I didn't know why I started to cry--which I realized now I actually cried because I wanted to make him feel bad for humiliating me. I don't really feel sad--because somewhat I had a feeling he would do this kind of thing.

 

Finally I was tired and asked him, "so are we engaged or not?" and he said, "to me, we're engaged, I just want to show you that you're going to be my wife and I love you, believe me, I'm planning to give you a ring. But if you think you need a ring for us to be engaged, then it's ok, we're engaged when I have the ring." and I asked him, "What should I tell my family and my best friends, that you propose without a ring?" and he's accusing me want a ring because I want to show it off! He said, "I see, now it makes sense to me why you're so upset. You need a ring to show it off to your family and friends." He sounded like I was so materialistic!

 

I didn't say anything anymore, just mixed feelings in my heart and I told him, "I love you babe, even if you're cheap." and he said I hurt his feeling. I told him, "But I said I still love you!" and he said, "but you didn't have to label me cheap, no guy will like it when his gf said he's cheap." and I said, "I'm sorry babe, but you seriously don't know that you're cheap?" and he told me he's cheap because he earns his money hard, and he wants to be more generous like giving tips from 5% to 12% now. I didn't want to keep arguing so I apologized because I knew he's sensitive about his money, it's really wasting time.

 

Finally, we talked on the phone while he's driving home, I basically told him, I couldn't believe that he would do this to me, he ruined my birthday, I mentally prepared if he didn't proposed, but I didn't expect he would propose without a ring! He said he's sorry and wants me to forget about tonight but I told him I can't, what he's done, can't be undone, I will always remember this.

 

I love my bf with all my heart and I'm taking his good with his bad, and I never considered myself a materialistic girl but why I felt so disappointed and humiliated?

I really don't know if we're officially engaged or not, he said it's up to me. What should I do? What should I tell him can make him understand? Every word I say now makes him think I'm a materialistic girl.

[Applewhite]

I think you ARE materialistic. I think he did everything to try to please you and still failed (because there is no satisfying you). I'm sorry but this is honestly what I think. Can you explain to us why the ring was so important?

[sara-pezzini]

I think you ARE materialistic. I think he did everything to try to please you and still failed (because there is no satisfying you). I'm sorry but this is honestly what I think. Can you explain to us why the ring was so important?

 

i agree, i read your other threads about him not being able to give you what you want because you are so insecure and clingy and need attention...

now he actually proposes and it is still not enough? i don't get that, at all..

if my BF would propose i would be thrilled, excited, and i wouldn't care about any ring, cause that stuff is just not important.....it really is'n't if you think about it

and then to call him cheap, wow this is not fair and if i were him i would be pissed and regretted the whole thing if i am honest

[pnoy]

I agree with the 2 above posts you are Materialistic i thought that was really mean to call him cheap how would you like it if he called you cheap find yourself a millionare if your not happy with him

[Applewhite]

I also agree with one of the above posters. If the man I loved proposed to me I would be on cloud #9 (and I've never even been a big fan of marriage all these years! I would be thrilled to be asked DESPITE that). Forget the ring I wouldn't even care for a fancy wedding/dress etc. (What a waste of money, seriously). Instead you were asking for the presents...Then to call him cheap! How horrible. Poor guy. Honestly I think you are the cheap one. If you want a ring so bad, why not chip in and share the cost with him?

[Applewhite]

And what presents have you bought him?

[Silverbirch]

I think you treated him very unfairly. More importantly, if you really loved him, you wouldn't have made such a big deal about the ring. He obviously thinks that he must spend a lot of money on a ring, but I personally don't share the big deal about all of that. Diamond manufacture nearly always involves exploitive child labor so why should an expensive ring be so important?

[pippy longstocking]

I had to stop reading

 

I am shocked at your behaviour .

 

what do you think love is all bout ?

 

 

good luck op !!

[Blue92]

Love is priceless and should not be soley be based on.... a ring. It's just a big shiny "rock" on your finger and "rock" cannot love you. My bf could propose to me with a ring pop for all I care! It is the love and offering of a lifelong commitment that counts and the ring of course comes second. He'll surprise you with it in time, but you should apologize for over reacting to the situation. Personally, I think a dude who is willing to spend the rest of his life with me is worth the world and more

[sara-pezzini]

just read it again and wow it still dazzles me.....you say to him he humiliated you he ruined you bday, all because he proposed without a ring...wow you have some learning and growing up to do, he said he wants you to forget about the night, well if i were him i would seriously forget about the proposal, you even got him convinced he did something wrong....wow again, i cannot believe what i read.......poor, poor guy! think you need to seriously re-read your post and think about it really.....and yes YOU owe him a huge appology!!! not the other way around

[pippy longstocking]

My bf could propose to me with a ring pop for all I care

 

me too blue ...

 

I could be knee deep in cow poop , with my combats on and the ducks as witnesess and it would be the happiest day

of my life ...

 

I feel sorry for this fella I really do , and to actually cry becuase you didnt get what you want ..omg

 

you say to him he humiliated you he ruined you bday

 

what ?????? you have to be joking

[LoveHurts89]

Wow. This thread should have been signed off by your boyfriend complaining about YOU. He got you presents, and he proposed!! I couldn't care less if my boyfriend got me a ring or not. I love him for him. Not a piece of shiny metal.

[pippy longstocking]

loving girl I just saw a post I actually quoted of yours in the suicide section when you wrote to max the cat ..

 

 

such kindness and compassion and you really really cared about him .....

 

your boyfriend needs this compassion , he needs this side of you ... you have shown that you value life ..just for life ..

you have shown that other peoples pain causes you pain ...your boyfriend doesnt need pain when he was trying to make

you happy ...

 

lovinggirl with all the respect I can muster ..do you know you sound a like a spoilt little girl , yet I know from just max's thread alone how much love and compassion you have for people ...

 

please ..give that lovely man of yours this kind of love and attention ..he loves you ..that my darling ...is priceless

[Coconut Twin]

The way you are going on is materialistic. Sorry love. Someone who you supposedly "love" proposes to you and all you can think about is why he didn't cement it with a ring. I'm sorry, this may sound harsh, but he doesn't deserve you. Love isn't measured by a stupid ring - get over yourself.

 

Oh and then you say YOU feel humiliated - I find that quite laughable.

[lovinggirl]

I think the ring is like a symbol that he means it and serious when he proposed to me. What accountability he has when he asked me to marry him? Is it because he promised it would happen on my bday? Just to keep his promise? I'm disappointed because I felt like he's not taking this seriously and manipulated me.

 

He gave hints since 4 months ago, 4 months! If he meant it, he would do it right--on his knee and when I said yes, show the world that we're engaged with a symbol.

I feel humiliated because he's half-hearted and not being honest with me. He led me to believe he's ready to go to the next step, when the truth is he's not ready.

 

This is a moment in my life I'd probably going to have it once, did I not deserve to be treated like I'm worthy?

 

I said I was mentally prepared if he didn't propose, but I didn't expect him to propose that way.

 

Also I said, it's really really understandable if he proposed spontaneously without a ring, but that's not the case. I might sound cruel and materialistic, but if you put yourself in my position, you would understand my feelings.

 

I don't expect an expensive ring. He told me, "do you remember 2 years ago, you don't mind if the ring comes from the toy machine? But I don't want to give you that babe, I want to give you a nice ring."

 

He knew I would be happy with inexpensive ring, so "giving me a nice ring" feels to me like a lame excuse. I'm really really torn by his thoughtless action.

 

But, my actions tonight were really unnecessary. I should have been more mature and calm. I wanted him to understand how disappointed I was, but I think I did give him wrong impression. I wanted to tell him it's not about the 'value' of the ring, but it's the symbol. I wanted to tell him, I'd rather to wait 1 more year or as long as he's ready to propose, not like this.

[annie24]

Actually I'm on your side based on the precious threads. He still lives with his mon at 41. If you guys get married, do you have to move in with his parents? I think the whole would you marry me if I asked and the fact there is no ring make me feel like he's not 100%. I don't necessarily think a ring us what makes the proposal but in this case I think it's another sign things aren't right.

[annie24]

He's a dentist and he leaves a 5% tip!?!?

[sara-pezzini]

having read all your threads just now and how you keep wanting to break up with him, and doubt the whole relationship i don't think it was wise to say yes at all, i see many red flags in all of this, from both of you....you want to end the relationship in one way, he is controlled by his mom and lives with his parents at age 41, i don't see this as a really loving, healthy relationship, you stay cause you are insecure and want to be with someone, he may want a way out of his house and situation right now, the way he asked you for help with it and asked for patience

i don't know, to me it doesn't all feel right and i see many red flags....make sure you actually WANT this and LOVE THIS MAN and not te idea of a relationship and a man in your life, marriage and all the fairytales, if you have doubts it is not wise to get married now, you will only regret it later on.

and i don't really hear the love screaming from your posts....so think about this, do you love HIM, really love him??

i agree with annie, it doesn't sound right, at all

[lovinggirl]

Actually I'm on your side based on the precious threads. He still lives with his mon at 41. If you guys get married, do you have to move in with his parents? I think the whole would you marry me if I asked and the fact there is no ring make me feel like he's not 100%. I don't necessarily think a ring us what makes the proposal but in this case I think it's another sign things aren't right.

 

Yes, actually I already accepted that we have to live with his parents when we're married. He asked me last weekend, "would you still marry me if we have to live with my parents?" and I told him, "Of course babe, you told me already you need to take care of your parents. I just hope your mom is nice to me." and he said his mom sometimes NOT nice to him.

 

I accepted a lot of his weaknesses, because I see a lot of good qualities in him. I love him so much, even in my relationship, I've been very patient..

 

I just couldn't believe he'd do this to me...really...very disappointed.

[Coconut Twin]

Ok s I've had to back track and read some of your threads...Could have saved me getting snappy if you'd linked it, but hey what's done is done.

 

I think your relationship is a bit flakey - You seem not 100% into it even though you say you love him and him being 41 and at mums is a little worrying. Seem's all a bit imbalanced.

 

Time for a talk with him me thinks..

[sara-pezzini]

two months ago he promised to do this on your bday, and now he has, but to me it feels more like he did so to avoid making you angry or annoyed...just keeping a promise with minimum effort.....having read through all your threads i can see why you are disappointed, now don't get me wrong, a ring is not necesary and makes you sound very materialistic, but there is something wrong with this picture, where is the love, the romance whehn someone has to make promise to propose on a bday? and then do it as promised....i wouldn't like it that way either....i don't want to force him to propose or feel like he has to or promise to propose, i would want him to do it spontaneously, when HE wants it, if he wants it, and not feel obliged to do so out of fear that the relationship will end otherwise

[Blue92]

Maybe this isn't so much an issue with the ring as the experience you were hoping to have? Most girls always dream of when their man proposes it should be in a hot air balloon and feel magical. Maybe you just feel cheated out of the traditional experience of a man kneeling on one knee and presenting a ring? Just because presenting a ring is the traditional way to do it, does not mean it has to be done. The reality is that this guy loves you and I don't think anyone would propose just to keep a promise. The promise is in with the proposal to always want to be together. He said an expensive ring is on the way, but I just think he wanted to be sweet and propose on your bday anyway.

[lovinggirl]

i don't know, to me it doesn't all feel right and i see many red flags....make sure you actually WANT this and LOVE THIS MAN and not te idea of a relationship and a man in your life, marriage and all the fairytales, if you have doubts it is not wise to get married now, you will only regret it later on.

and i don't really hear the love screaming from your posts....so think about this, do you love HIM, really love him??

i agree with annie, it doesn't sound right, at all

 

To be honest with you, I'm working with my therapist on WHY I love him so much. Do I love him? Or it's just my 'sick' personalities? He's very smart, good at talking and he's so sweet...he's been doing a good job creating our perfect future at the beginning of the relationship, which later I found they're only words no actions. But part of me, keep telling me, "You'll never know if you leave the relationship." I'm afraid the "what if" will haunt me for my whole life, that's why I always try to be patience and wait.

 

Like what happened tonight, part of me really want to leave the relationship...but part of me want to wait and see...

[lovinggirl]

He's a dentist and he leaves a 5% tip!?!?

 

That's why I said I take his good with his bad. He's very cheap, he knows it, he just doesn't want me to say it. I guess I was being immature tonight by say that to him, coz I know it'd hurt him.

[penelope13]

Some things to think about:

 

Firstly, claiming to 'be prepared', doesn't actually make it so. From your OP, it doesn't sound at all that you were prepared and accepting that a proposal may not occur that night, because with every passing minute you got more anxious and upset. You equally said that you would be happy to wait for another year, if he would just propose properly - but both of these are actually not true to your emotions and emotional expectations. So you need to start to be completely honest with yourself and with him what your expectations are. You can't claim to be willing to wait, yet then have a meltdown and 'making him suffer for it' when he doesn't fulfill those expectations.

 

Secondly, an engagement can be as easily broken with or without a ring. I'm not sure why so many people believe that having that ring is any sort of guarantee in the face of many issues in a relationship. There are probably a number of guys who feel pressured to go through the motions of a proposal with a ring, just because it seems the most important goal for many women, without taking the time and energy to think about what else in the relationship is amiss. No ring or proposal will be able to give you the emotional confidence/guarantee that all the other issues will be magically resolved now. The issues will still be there and they still need to be dealt with in order to make the relationship and a potential marriage work.